I feel disgusting.
I could shower for days and still feel gross.

I hate letting people under my skin.
I hate regretting giving people certain emotions of mine.

Being with a random isnt like this because I could care less and there's a part of my emotions turned off.
Being with someone I care about means alot to me. Ive always given it significance.  My bad.

I always hate when I end up wishing I hadnt done it with attached emotion.

I'm having a completely miserable day and I feel disgusting.
Noone ever wants to stay around after a little while.
I'm tired of having to try to make people stay.
Just  would like someone who whole heartedly, undoubtedly wants to stay.

Yeap

Im feeling good personally.
Towards myself.

But thats it.
I feel very alone in every aspect and its even worse than seriously being single and alone.
What makes this worse is the fact that im suppose to have someone else with me, but they're absent. So I'm alone in everything when I shouldnt be.

So much worse than being alone when I should be alone.

So many damn red flags.
Ya know,  I do actually know that I'm stupid for 'ignoring' all of them.

I date too strongly for wbat seems like everyone. I'll eventually find someone who dates just as hard in return, has no problem with compromise and looks at things as a 'we' or 'us' instead of him by himself.

Ohhhlife.

Quotes of the night

"I use to like, fully turn him on and now i just annoy him"

Seasonal changes

Read posts from late July and early August.

I'm always so positive,  and hopeful

And dumb.

Those posts make me laugh in a really sad letdown way. I've let myself down again.

PostScript

NSometimes I have to write things out so they can stop bouncing around in my mind.

I miss having a motivator in life, and having that person be there to really help push me to where I needed to be, even if it was just by telling me they believed I could do something.

That person mightve been one of the shittiest people I ever met, and evem though I never believed anything else said, I really 120% know that person meant those things said that helped push me to get better and be better.

Only person I ever let read, edit and give input towards the stuff I was writing. It was terrifying the first time but I knew the person was able to be "trusted" not to rip it apart and give constructive criticism,  or tell me what parts where strong. I knew this person cared about it too, didnt just read it because I forced it on them.

this i need

Writingmakesmestopcrying

Its pretty devastating when things go south very quickly and the person who felt like home and seemed to fit so perfectly most likely isnt going to be the one who stays in your life.

Im already extremely upset and heartbroken.  Its fucking stupid i know.

So sick of trying, or feeling like im failing at trying. I understand having patience and giving things time, but I dont understand how to do that when there seems to be barely anything there to begin with, and really having no idea if things will ever be different.

I definitely left a different person when I went back to school, than who Ive got now. Thats rude to say isnt it?  It is. But seriously I cant even find one thing thats even slightly the same. That sucks because everything I had before was exactly what I wanted, and needed. And now its like some twisted sick game of "lets combine everything shitty about her exes and put them into one"

Now that's rude.

Thats harsh. Because situations and people are very different, but oooooh this feeling ive been stuck with for almost a month now is all too familiar in the worst ways.  Im biting my tongue everytime I want to say something ive said before, and I get so on edge everytime i get the same responses ive gotten before.

One of the things thats got me really worried is I feel I've been left without any pros, and just a bunch of cons whereas in previous times ive had small things to hold on to.
The only reassurance I have now is a simple "If I wanted to leave, I would."

At the same time I also know I get all cry-y, upset, ready to leave and very guarded hen I'm put in the position of feeling these ways again because it never ends well.

Maybe its just a bad phase and some of what I had before will come back?  Maybe im just overly dwelling on all of this and considering it a million and one reasons to run fast and never look back because the last time I felt this strongly for someone, but went without any kind of intimacy, unreassured, unappreciated and taken for granted I lost everything about who I was to try and change everything just so it could work even 2%

I can handle phases, and moods, and people getting stuck in funks, but if its a constant state it completely ruins me.

Just already tired of feeling alone and not like a girlfriend. Like im fighting a lost cause.

Im also tired of feeling like im pushing too much, like I just need more patience. I feel like ive turned into my ex and just overcrowding.
And that makes me think I finally understand how he felt, which is shitty, and I wouldnt want him to feel like this, but I also know how I felt while he was like this and he really needed to chill.

My mind is constantly filled and its so hard to stay positive when ive got nothing to go off of really. Tired of feeling like im constantly walking in eggshells and having to watch what I say, or how I come off, but at the same time still be able to fill a small ounce of my voids.
Ive gotta just calm down and chill, but I feel like I cant because I refuse to be the person standing saying "I didnt see this coming".

Story of my life

I refuse to be in a relationship where my partner isnt best friend material.

How many times do I have to say this to people. And why in the world does it not make sense to them?

Things may have ended badly for both, but I do know what a super duper best friend is like, and I know what dating someone for 4 years is like.

And it was an incredible 3 years. There's nothing more satisfying than dating someone and being able to say they're youre bestfriend.
Even one despite my ex being a terrible awful douchey mindfuck of a guy, I wish I still had him as a friend. Because I had 0 problem saying anything or doing anything around him. 130% comfortable and it was amazing to be myself. It was also nice to get the support I needed, motivation through anything. I do miss hearing good job or you got this. Its dumb, but its an amazing feeling to feel that someone believes in you and is in your corner.

Im selfish in the way that I want to be able to go to my partner with an issue and have them care, and voice that they care. I want them to even try something,  no matter how dumb, to even make me smile. Be my rock, be my person.

Im unselfish in the way that even if i have a ton of shit going on with me and I cant keep it together for myself, if someone comes to me and theyre falling apart, my shit gets put in hold until I can atleast get that person to smile or feel temporarily better.

I wouldn't change a damn thing about myself in those ways. I think im always let down people most people dont care or love the way I do.

Its a terrible struggle to be a hopeless romantic and super amazing love believer in a world filled with doubtful selfcentered people.

I'll just go continue to be upset now. Its cool bro.

posts removed

I really shouldn't post when ive been drinking.

**removes a few previous posts from a week or so ago**

Jesus. Who lets me drink tequila and blog?!

Writer's block

Ive been very blocked lately.

And I cant stand not being able to write.

Its not just this, its anything. Zero desire to write papers, notes, letters, or this. Im completely full of writers block and its killing me.

But at the same time I feel I have nothing to write. Nothing I havent written a dozen times before pertaining to various people who have came in and out of my life.
Im feeling very unemotional, nothing good, nothing bad. Just very neutral, and that bothers me.

It bothers me that I have tried to write a couple different things and I feel as if im forcing emotions to come out to put down. I dont like feeling as if im forcing things. I dont force things, I give up and move on. There's zero sense in forcing something.
What am I talking about again?

I found something that has caused me to go into over analyzing mode and just think about it. I do not care who wrote it, but I care how much feeling there seems to be. But yet, nothing about that person radiated any of it. And I think its absolutely disgusting and repulsive. I hate, and I mean Haaatteee people who spew shit and abuse the English language to get what they want, or to appear different.
If you are going to he a big talker, you better have some super large actions to back yourself up. Nothing about this writing ever excited me or made me smile. Its disgusted me since the day I got it, and ive finally been able to talk about it.

I hate that people can write such "wonderful" things without even meaning it, and yet im fucking sitting here trying to write something meaningful and im completely blank.

I feel its because im going forward, and then stepping back. Nothing is consistent right now, and maybe that says something.

Oreally

This is me taking steps backwards.

It'll be for my own good in the long run, better to happen now.

Gottago

Absolutely hate where I'm at right now and I hate myself even more for that.

The fuck is wrong with me?

This time of year always fucking blows but I have no idea why it blows this time around?

This seriously has gotta stop, because I refuse to let myself stay in bed all the time.
Im just so blahhh about everything. So unhappy and confused and its super annoying to the point I keep breaking grammar rules by using unnecessary 'ands' and run on sentences.

Ive gotta go, and it cant happen soon enough.

Somethings gotta give.

IG

Insane

I've gone through every single emotion today for no reason.

Im very drained

and in a dull state.

Im gunna go watch House on the fetal position now. Ugh.

This Rabbit Hole.. hm?

For realz, give me some patience and some sense of mind?

Because I've got absolutely none right now and I cannot stand the way I'm feeling

Or the things I'm thinking.

This blows to the maxxxx right now.

Karma Bitches

I remembered something I thought I'd never forget.

Its just another reminder that I may not be that far in life, but im passed so much bullshit I didnt deserve.
Its another reminder that life is good, and no matter the shitty day im having, I'm happier than what I was.

I did not ruin your life. Not even a little bit. It was not my fault you were clearly spiraling and needed help. It was not my fault you got fucking plastered and started making an ass out of yourself and becoming unsafe. I was doing what a fucking friend, let alone girlfriend, should do. I was trying to keep things under control because not only were your parents there, but you wanted to be able to have more get togethers.
Your parents didnt deserve the things you said to them, and I sure as hell didnt. But im glad you ripped me apart, and screamed at me like you did. And even better when you started throwing beer cans. Because your friends finally saw that it wasnt me who was a controlling bitch.
And incase you forgot how you made it safely to bed that night? This life ruining controlling bitch assisted your ass to bed, and made sure to catch your tv and halfstack when you knocked them over. Also, the reason you didnt vomit all over yourself and your bed? I made sure to ignore your very foul language towards me and got you a garbage can.
And even after you demanded I leave, get the fuck out, and drunkenly refused to let me in bed, I made sure you fell asleep ayeokay by sitting on your floor and answering your phone texts that kept going off because your buddy was hammered and still wanted to party.

I may have done all that for you when I shouldn't have. But the best thing I did that night was grabbing my stuff and leaving. I didnt deserve to find out you were still lying and hiding things when I messaged your friend back to tell him you were asleep. And I sure as hell didnt deserve to be treated the way I was in front of everyone, let alone have to sit there and listen to you talk about sex with your ex.

Im so much happier these days.
I dont even know who I was back then or what was wrong with me. All I know is im so glad that night happened, because without it I really wouldnt be where I am.

And oh i didnt forget about memorial day either, I still havent forgotten I never finished thatttt post on here.

So fuck you and your morals,
Because from where I'm standing, you've completely lost who you are and you hate it.

Karma bitches.

Back at it.

Vday
Allies
UAB
CampusFest
Ernie
Read4the Cure
English Club
Relay 4 Life
Community Service Days
Special Olympics
Classes

This is my life, and I'm super excited.

Nightime madness

Broken

Fell in love with this.

Latenight

Something is wrong.

Now to figure out what.

Instapic

I sure hope not.

Used?

Yes. You can describe me as "used", and I take no offence to that.

It's not my fault you used me time and time again, alwayd putting me in shitty situations.

But its okay, while I'm currently building myself up, with the help of a very wonderful man, you've got noone to fall back on, or to help you when you've got noone else.

That's the thing about a relationship, you cant use people, or allow yourself to be used. There needs to be an even pull from both sides. You cant demand someone respect and be there whenever you want/need them to be, without doing the same thing for that person.
And you sure as hell cant ask them to stick around time and time again when youre giving them absolutely no reason to.

Ive never really expected or demanded respect from my significant others. I think thats where Ive failed for so long. I give then my utmost attention and respect, I bend over backwards to do anything for them, and I wanted the same in return, but when they didnt or refused, I gave in and said "ya sure, dont worry thats okay." And then lowered my standards to meet something that they could give.

I was selling myself short.

Then again, a real man doesnt leave his woman begging for these things, or lowering her standards. It seems as if there's actually people out there who give attention, respect, and appreciation like I need.

Ive been feeling like the luckiest girl in the world lately.

Here's to a positive outlook on the coming semester, and finally not letting anyone drag me down.

Heart

Yes. Yes and more yes.

Highfive

Couldnt post this on facebook or instagram because of family. Buuuutttt this is my life.

Yes.

Really bothered

I need to get the ffffuuuuccckkkk out of this town. Summer is always too long to stay here.

Im probably being super paranoid for no reason, but people here are shady, and fake as fuck.

And im not just saying that. I understand everyone is entitled to their own secrets, or dirty pasts, but people need to remember those things when it comes to wanting to talk shit on other people.

Like I said, I could be super beyond paranoid, but ive got every reason to be.

I guess im just not use to exes becoming "friends" or hanging out, especially right after a break up.

What makes it even worse is both hate me more than anything, for different reasons. But none that wasnt caused from their own issues. So now im stuck with the idea that theyre sitting around a living room, talking shit and swapping stories. Which would be fine, im not perfect, ive donr shitty things, especially to the one ex, and ive done some muthhaaafuckinnn crazy psycho girl things before. I own up to them, I have no intentions of ever appearing perfect to anyone.

What I dont want is all the lies thats going to fly during those "bitch about her" fests. And theyre both fantastic bullshitters, I know this first hand. The one could easily write a book about how to be a bullshitter.

I just hate how twisted stories get. I love when they get back to me, and theyre so skewed its ridiculous.

And on top of it, other bullcrap was added in. The ohsogoos bullshitter never ceases to amaze me, but actually does exactly what I figure he would do.
It disgusts me so much knowing these things. I love how apparently im the liar and fake, when ive been able to call every move ever made despite him saying it wasnt true.

People need to really realize who they are, if youre lying about almost every thing just to prevent people from judging you, or making people mad, then youre fake. Keeping some things quiet is fine, But when your whole life is a lie, dont sit there and try and pass the blame off on someone else. Especially someone who never did anythinggggg to you.

I care too much about what people think of me. And I know youre not suppose to, but at the same time I feel you should. Why would you want to go around and have people hate you or think youre a bad person? You wouldnt.
But whatever. There's so much exciting good going on in my life lately, that im really trying not to let the bullshit get in the way.

This town needs to go though. I realized today that ive got a veryyyy small few attachements here still, but I need to find new surroundings, with one of those new attachments I have to this town.

He's gotta come with, because I couldn't give him up.
Things are stupid exciting right now... cannot wait to see where things are headed.

giggling.

"Bras are so unnatural and confining... its like a boobie zoo"

                  How I Met Your Mother makes me giggle.

ayediosmio.whattttt

I've already been worn out; used.

 i'm broken in.

build me up, don't tear me down.

boy,

do

not

take

more

than

you

can

give

i'm scared.



hashtag worthy? yes.
#DoNotBreakmyHeart  

From the other day

not sure where to really start, but then again isnt that how most of these things start?

i'd like to say i'm done being angry, that i've moved on and past everything that i've had to deal with in the past few months, but i honestly feel like it'll never be done and over with.
i think the biggest issue that i cant seem to let go is the fact that someone like him actually exists in this world.
i use to feel sorry for him, and think that he was just misunderstood and had a bad hand in life, now i understand that he really goes looking for his issues.

i've dated some really shitty guys in life, but i honestly feel as if this one gets the award of crappiest ever.
im not saying i was perfect, and that i never did anything wrong and didnt deserve some of the stuff that happened but i dont ever believe that i deserved everything that i had happen to me not even close.

i cant wait until the day i can sit here and say that all the crap ive dealt with in the past year or so has made me a stronger person.

Things have been seemingly different lately. Chosen a completely different rabbit hole, and this version if wonderland seems pretty promising.

Then again, who knows. Believing in impossible things leaves you open to perceive things very differently. Something that appears to be fantastic could change at any moment.  Thats life though.

Ending this here. Guess we'll just wait and see.
Here's hoping for the best, and expecting the worst.

Yup

"Excuse me, Sir,
But I have plans to die tonight
And you are in my way.
You make it sound so easy to be alive,
But how am I supposed to seize this day when everything inside me has died?"
                                           
"Trust me girl,                 
I know your legs are pleading to leap
But I offer you this easy choice-
Instead of dying, living with me.
I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
but my offer stands and you must choose"
                 
"Alright, but I only give you one night to prove yourself
to be better than my attempt at flight.    
I swear to god if you hurt me I will leap,
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming"

"Settle, precious, I know what you're going through.
Just ten minutes before you got here
I was gonna jump too"
          Self Conclusion

pushing past you

" Back the fuck at you.. Now go back to not talking to me, it's been nice not feeling how you used to make me feel and realizing you weren't my friend at all. Just using me till something came along. And I was gonna make sure you left feeling good after that? Fuck no, fuck you.
You're fake and poisonous to those around you. And the honest truth, I don't care in what you say or believe it anymore.. The hooks you had in me that blinded me to anything but what you said are gone. And let me tell you, I'm truly happy you're gone. So just stay there.
And it's real easy to just block you from everything. So if you manage not to be you till my money (which was settled) comes in I'll pay you. But if not, your actions will continue to buy my stalling.. Cause I know my friends enjoyed the bar on the money I was ready to hand you the other night. I have no problem pushing you off anymore. You've officially relived me of guilt on that matter. Done trying to prove or do anything for you. So when I want, you'll get. Till then, C R fannies is hiring. Go live that dream"

because I need this as a strong reminder as to who you are. I huge slap to the face everytime I want to ever give you the benefit of the doubt, when ever I want to think youre just misunderstood and lashing out dur to being hurt.

I wish I wouldve done this before with the conversations where you told me that xbox was more important to you than my future or my life. or the conversation where you told me all about how you have needs and youll find them else where if I dont start fulfilling them.

you sir, are a piece of shit, and its you sir who is the fake one. you can pull punches when its just me, but the second othet people are around, you turn into a differe t person completely. are you afraid they'll find out how cold hearted and selfish you really are? because it's too late for that, everyone knows and theyre no longer playing your game.

you disgust me in ways I never thought were possible. im absolutely disgusted I ever let you even touch me, let alone get into my head the way you did.
you say I'm poisonous and whatnot, but last time I checked you were the one mentally abusing me with you "I have needs" bullshit.
Ive said it, ive screamed it, and ive typed it:
if you need to bribe or guilt your girlfriend into having sex or doing anything sexual,  then maybe you have a selfish problem.
you only seemed to give a shit about what you wanted and when you wanted it, not the fact I was having problems and was being pressured. and please, dont sit there and tell me you've changed when you pulled the same cards just a couple weeks ago.

i tried to leave you last June, band then in October. and Then I tried to leave in December, and then nonstop up until April when I finally did.
maybe that shouldve told you something...

What's this?!

I'm oddly being surprised by life right now,
Maybe this is a sign, of some sort, even if it's not what it's appearing to be.

I'll take it, I'll take any form of hope these days.

I'm missing myself, and it's not up to anyone else to help me find the pieces.

I love my job, tutoring kids, making a difference in their lives is so rewarding. The smallest breakthrough I have with a kid is the best thing in the whole world.
I love seeing their face light up when the lightbulb clicks on and they realize they understand something.
I love knowing im helping mold their future; that one day these children will be in my shoes, and they might not remember my name, or even think about having a tutor, but knowing I'll be preparing them for some future events, is all I need.

I'm feeling like I belong in the world again.

I can't wait for life to work itself out, I'm getting impatient,  I feel like my life hasn't started yet. I wanna teach, I wanna be married, I want my 2 kids.
I cannot wait to be a small human's 'Mommy'.
And I want that fairytale happiness.

My aunt's wedding/relationship gives me a newfound hope somehow. Unfortunately it also reminds me of the tough choices Ive had to make in life, and I seriously just want to cry.
I feel like im rushing myself a bit,  I wont let myself cry about it anymore, despite wanting to. I start to like, well up, seconds away and BAM I get mad at myself and tell myself to lock it down, and carry on.

Someone once called me chaos.
It has stuck with me since, I bring chaos, my live is havoc and I live in shambles.

Im one strong fucking bitch though, knock me down, I promise you, I'll get right back up.

At least now my motivation is fighting my depression, steps forward of any kind is good.
I cannot wait for things to come, whatever they may be.

Yes. <3

Maybe

I'm just sick of feeling like I'm only good at/for one thing.

Its disgusting.

Bond?

Someone really got into my head at one point of my life.

They said there'd always be a bond between us, something that noone else could ever fill.

A bond that wouldnt ever be matched or even come close. That no matter how hard we tried, we'd fail miserably

I'm constantly trying to match and exceed beyond that bond, because wht have a bond like that with someone in your past?
I'm sure its possible, I believe in impossible things, so why do I find this one so hard?

Someone got in my head at one point of my life, and theyve really got me believing that I'll never have a bond like that ever again,
I'm believing it and I think its stupid.
I hate fighting with myself over trivial things, but I cant help but think about this one often.

The sad part is, I'm sure it was just something casually said to me; not something that person honestly believed.
So im stuck believing and focusing on it while that person has no thoughts about it.

I feel like I'm always the one left behind, despite the fact I'm always the one who leaves.
No one thinks twice after I'm gone, and its sort of a sad thing, to know I'm so easy to leave.

Bonds dont last forever, they break, fall apart and get forgotten about. I cannot wait...

advice i could never forget.

i think one of the best pieces of advice i was ever given was by my very unintelligent alcoholic uncle.

i was about 16, and i'm really not one to pay much attention to things he says, but this one made sense to me, and i absolutely love it.

Why are you wasting your emotions and time on someone trying and almost forcing your relationship to work?

There's a million some people in the world, there's gotta be at least one person out there where you won't have to force or try,

it will just work.

r.e.s.p.e.c.t

i really cannot stand people
who DEMAND respect from others,
who out right call other people names, talk about how people around them are shady, and losers,
and how dare people not give respect,

when that person doesn't do the same in return.
the world gives what you put out, for the most part.
you cannot get respect, unless you give it.


and demanding respect is a 100% sure way to get ignored and treated even worse.


please become a respectful individual before you get pissy people aren't treating you nicely.

just reapplying them to life.

This is me writing you off...

giving you the chance to fuck off.


not sure where i'm going with this, or what im even feeling, or waht i want to write
this seems to keep happening in my life, and im really just tired.

i feel like everytime i go forward even a little bit, i get pushed back.
maybe i'm asking for it?

     but maybe i'm not.
maybe he's just someone who doesnt really understand love, and how it's suppose to be done?
let alone normal relationships.

im not looking for love.
 oh helll naww. not what i need, because i really feel as if it's just something that's been made up, something thats been created to make people feel 'safer' in their life.

i absolutely hate how cynical i've become, because if you go back a bunch of posts, i ramble on and on about how much i love rawness, and the person underneath what they put out to society, that i have ultimate feelings, and believe that people in the world are good.

i even remember laying in bed with an ex one time, going back and forth about how beaten down by the world they seemed, how i couldn't grasp his concept of believing people were out for themselves, and that love didnt exist and that he was just tired of the world.


and now here i am, fully understanding, and believing every single word he said. people are out for themselves, they'll do and lie about whatever they have to to get further ahead in life, and to keep themselves from looking bad.

now i'm not perfect, at all. far from it. i've got flaws. i've lied to professors, my parents, and even friends. i've done things i regret in life, and continue to do so. but something i can be proud of is that, every morning when i wake up and every night when i go to bed, i can honestly love myself.
i can look in the mirror and believe, and know, that i am a good person, who has, and will drop anything, and any time to help out someone. i've helped numerous exes who've needed someone, i've talked to random strangers about their problems. i almost always let people cut me in line if they have less items, or if we got there at the same time. I've given people, even complete strangers, money if they're at the register and they come up short, or people needing to print stuff for class, but they forgot the ID on campus.

i don't care, i put others before my self constantly, because I enjoy other peoples' happiness. If i can make someone's day, i will, no questions asked. If i can make someone feel better about themself, i will.

i feel there have been few actual times in life that i've honestly put myself first. and the reactions of these times?
i've had people yell at me, tell me i was a completely shitty person, mentally insane in need of serious psychward help, had friends of 10+ years drop me like i was nothing, and had a guy completely geek the fuck out and tell me he would no longer help me and be there for me. even though he really wasnt in the first place.

i really need these selfish moments in life, i've been deprived of them for a really long time, and i dont think i'm undeserving of them. but it doesnt mean i'm personally out for myself and throwing everyone else's feelings to the side.


i still give a shit
im completely human, and i have fucking feelings to.
and let me tell you, i'm grasping at straws when it comes to having those feelings.
nothing truly makes me happy anymore.

except for my cat. i stare at him, and trace his face for hours. he's the only person/thing i feel i have any connection to anymore. i tell him a bazillion times a day how much i love him, i kiss him whenever i can, and i even tell him how much i care about him when he's asleep. i dont just do things for people when they're watching and looking,
i've layed awake staring at someone i was in love with, and told them how much they meant to me.
when i love, i love rawly and completely unguarded,
unfortunately, no one else seems to.

everyone else is out for themselves, and i cant help but to start swaying that way, and i hate it.


ive recently taken a hiatus from relationships, for the first time since i was about 13. and it's seriously needed. i need to find myself. i've lost it completely within the past year. i had found myself for a little bit, and it felt so fucking wonderful,
but then army guy became a douchecrazybag, and i lost myself quickly.

but thats the thing. i'm sick of finding myself based on who i'm with. i need to be myself alone.
i wanted to experience things others had talked about, and i knew i needed to do before i was ready to settle down.

let me tell you i've done them. i'm satisfied. it was really good, it was really fun, the only regret i have, honest to god, is going backwards and sleeping with someone i shouldn't have. it's done nothing but send me right back in to the depression i barely crawled my way out of.

lemmeput it out there for myself, i slept with people since i've been home, before that, i wanted nothing to do with anyone. i was put in nonstop situations with different guys, and i did nothing. at all. i dont even have their cellphone numbers.
why? because i told people out there, i was still seeing someone. why? becasue it made it easier to have people stay away, and because i wasnt ready to be done yet.

now, i DID make the very concious decision to go ahead and sleep with someone, and then i knew there was no more going forward.
and i knew this before any thing even happened. i sat there, literally talking it out with the poor fucking person, seriously killing any vibe that might've been present. i geeked. my anxiety shot through the roof and i even started nervously retardely flapping my hands. i have a weird tendency to do that when my anxiety is at it's worse and i cant feel my hands.
i was terrified, and for numerous reasons.
i was terrified of sex in general, i had created such a bad mental connection to it, of unhappiness, and guilt.
i also knew what it meant, it meant i would no longer have any connection to my most recent ex.
why?
because i'm not that kind of a person. everytime i fuck someone new, i completely move on whether i want to or not. i dont go back, i cant. it's unfair to the other person and it would give me nothing but guilt.

and i did end up going through with it. not to end a connection with an ex like i had done in the past, but because i needed to. i needed to completely end the awful stigma i placed on sex and because, i'm ready to just move forward. i had made it known numerous times to my ex that me sleeping with someone else was a possibility, and that if i were to get back with him, it wouldn't be for a long time.

so i do my thing, whatever. the where, who, and how are all irrelevant, the thing i can't stop focusing on is the fact i ended up then fucking my GODDAMN EX.

now who does that? other people, not me. i am now a "other person" and i hate that.
no matter how many times a person says "no strings, or emotions" it's complete bullshit, for either party. these things happen. its human nature.

did i enjoy sleeping with my ex? of course i did, was i able to categorize him as just like the others i had fucked? yes. i honestly did. what FUCKING FUCKED ME was the hanging out part. it was at those times i thought of everything and anything and i clung to the comfortable idea of a relationship. and thats what fucked me, and left me open, and has now royally set me back.

how am i set back?

because blogger, despite asking this said ex a dozgillion times if he had slept with anyone else, in a very friendly manner, i wasn't going to be mad at all, he felt the need to lie.
and people lie all the tinme, over facebook, over texts, emails. these things unfortunately happen.
does not make it okay though

and neither does LYING TO MY GODDAMN FACE A DOZEN TIMES.
 i dont appreciate scumbags, who can straight out lie to me and not think twice about it.
i can't lie, i do, i have, but i absolutely hate it. and when its about something as guilt stricking as fuckign someone else, it eats away at my very core. i just CANNOT DO IT. i've tried, and it just makes me sick.

so, okay. he slept with someone, while i was still away at school.
now. i knoooowwww i knnoowww, we're both single. we can both do whatever we please, we honestly can.
it's not that at all though, its the fact that he sat there, telling me things about how much he loved me, and how much i was his world. that he couldn't stand being apart from me, knowing i wasn't his. that it made him physically sick, and it upset him to no end. he told me things like how he couldnt imagine being with anyone but me, that he was still clinging to the possibility that i'd come back, and that he was doing everything every single day to put himself closer to being the man i had asked him to be.

now, lets stop right here.
tell me that doesnt just hitcha in the soft spots? it does, and it really freakin did. it was hard acting like i didnt care, it was picturing myself being out with other people. the situations i was put in one on one alone with guys, all i could think about is how i wished he was there, i see stupid happy people dating, and all i think about are the select few good times we had. he really, insanely hurt me a few months back, to the point where my entire family and most of my friends are slightly pissed that he was still on my facebook. that they wanted nothing to do with him, and even threatened to go kick the living shit out of him if i needed them to. he really hurt me to the point where i started becoming very cynical. this is when that all started.

but, i couldn't help but still believe those things he said. up until today, i still had stupid lame text messages from him saved on my dumbphone. why? because i read them from time to time, and thought about how i'd eventually find my way back to him.  (and yes, i knew that would all be over after i had had sex with someone else, i never expected to be able to go back)

so he's sayin all this stuff, AND he slept with someone else. and then LIED AND HID IT FROM ME for almost a month.
i cant even begin to explain how much that honestly didnt hurt me when he first told me.
the night he told me, i felt a slight punch in the stomach, but i was actually okay with it.
and then i started remembering all the stuff he had been saying to me.
and it hit me, i don't believe a thing this kid has been saying anymore. i can't. not at all.
he completely ripped out every emotion i had for him.
i cannot fathom someone saying all that to someone, meaning it, while sticking their dick in someone else.

nd yes, im being very blunt about it, because its what happened, its really emphazises what happened.

oh. and so, get this blogger,
i asked him who it was, because i honestly wanted to know, as long as i didnt know them. if i did, i wouldn't of asked. but i was told i didnt know them at all.
so i pushed to know who. i was being a 'bro' i wanted deets. i was really objectifying sex, and really just trying to have a buddybuddy moment with my ex, since we were trying to just be friends.
he told me.
and ya know what, i didnt give a shit, not at all. i didn't look her up on facebook, or google her, i thought about it, but then realized i didn't give a rats ass at all who she was. she couldve been mad super pretty, and i wouldn't know. why?? because i didn't care.

being curious i ended up checking her fb a few dys or so later, and still didnt care no threatened feeling, no jealousy. absolutely nada.

until i really caught the feelings again for my ex. like, harddddfuckingcore. i feel lucky in a sense that i didn't talk to him about dating again like i had thought about. i feel like i dodged a bullet.

why?

because i finally caught the jealousy bug, and realized that i didnt trust him anymore, based on the fact he had lied to me numerous times about not sleeping with someone, when he really had.
single or not, he slept with her, and then hid it from me, and continued to tell me loveydovey bullshit. like he felt he could have both, a one night fuck, and then me. like he never was going to tell me.

i really don't believe he ever was going to tell me he slept with someone. and if he would've approached me with this info right when we were really about to get seriously back together, he'd be sadly mistaken.
the sooner the better. no need to lie, or hid things, or withhold for a time. makes anyone look super shady and very doubtful.


anyways, i end up finding out that the girl's name he gave me? yaaaaaa, he hasnt seen her in years. she doesnt even really like him, and would never ever do anything with him.
okay sooooooo. just keeping track.

he lied about sleeping with someone in general
he lied about who he slept with.

WHY OH WHHHYYYY BLOOOGGGERRRR
his reasoning?

"i didn't want to have to give her up as a friend"

please tell me everyone recognizes this sentance.
its the same bullshit line he gave me when he always put Randi before me.
it's just extremely disheartening that its from the exact same person,
atleast its about a different chick 'friend'

this guy, i feel everyone should avoid him.
i feel like he's just out to wreck and hurt people.
why lie about sleeping with someone in the first place, especially when i was asking him if he had and even telling him to?
would it of hurt me? yes. BUT i would've dealt with it accordingly,
just like im dealing with this accordingly.


want to know how i've been feeling all day after all this?
i really need to seriously punch him in the goddamn face.
and people sayyyyy that, i know. but i really would.
without even thinking about it.


i may have flaws, and do stupid things in life, but i do not feel like i deserve these kinds of things from anyone in the world. especially from someone i swear i've been there from day one trying to help out in every way i could, even when 1. i didnt need to 2. he had seriously hurt me.

i'm hurt. because he lied to me.
i'm let down. because he's not who i wanted him to be.
i'm disgusted. because he fucked me, knowing he had lied to me.

but i think i'm the most upset, because i blame myself.

i'm hurt. because I trusted him.
i'm let down. because I really believed in him.
i'm disgusted. because I willingly had sex with him.

i'm really just angry at myself.
i could've prevented all of this. i should've walked away like i planned to, and never looked back.
i really let someone fill my head with crap, and i completely believed them again.


i'm done. i'm broken.

i said that ed broke me the other night.
i meant it in a good positive way;
he really opened my mind, and i've become accepting of things.


but matt broke me.
i mean that in a really negative way.
he's used up every ounce of pure innocent 'goodness' i had.
he's turned me into this very angry, emotionless, cynical person.



i'm 23 years old, and i'm already tired of life.
i'll be sure to buy every white lighter ever made when i'm 27.

these bones, this body, and especially this heart are beyond tired.

I Repeat:

This is how you lose her. 
You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you:
your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality,
your silence when you’re about to ask a question
but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly,
your mindless humming when it is too quiet,
your handwriting when you sign your name on blank sheets of paper,
your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite,
and more and more of what you are,
which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget.
You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is.
-When you make her feel that she is replaceable,
She wants to feel cherished.
-When you make her feel that you are fleeting,
She wants you to stay.
-When you make her feel inadequate,
She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you,
nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her.
You must know the reason why she is silent.
You must trace her weakest spots.
You must write to her.
You must remind her that you are there.
You must know how long it takes for her to give up.
You must be there to hold her when she is about to.
You must love her because many have tried and failed.
And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved,
that she is worthy to be kept.
And, this is how you keep her.

dear everyone: fuck off.

Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom who said he was in love

He said, "Don't worry about a thing, baby doll, I'm the man you've been dreamin' of."

But three months later he said he won't date her or return her call

And she sweared, "God damn if I find that man I'm cuttin' off his balls."

And then she heads for the clinic and she gets some static walkin' through the door.

They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner, and they call her a whore

God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes

'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose

Then you really might know

what it's like

i convict myself.

i think i've honestly avoided writing because i dont want to REALLY have to think about thingsthat have been bothering me.





-stares at screen for 15minutes-








apparently talking to a friend is easier than talking to myself,
i wish i didn't feel this lost while despising myself so much,
it makes it harder to actually care about finding myself.



i'd be doing the world justice if i just let myself remain lost.





i deserve this
i was asking for it
this is what i get
what did i think was going to happen

too much of a good thing

i think it's extremely possible for one single human being to have too much empathy,
and let me tell you it's not a good thing

i have this problem where i'm constantly trying to make other people's problems my own, so i can help them to the fullest extent, and im so happy that they're recieving help, that someone is there for them through everything, going above and beyond

that i forget and lost myself completely.

if i could drop everything in life and travel to a suffering country and help, i would.
that sounds normal, who wouldnt want to help if they could?

i just feel like i take on other peoples' pain too easily, and too frequent. any hint of any sadness and someone being alone, makes me extremely upset.



i think this post is done. i absolutely hate it, for no reason at all.

it is, what it is.