What's this?!

I'm oddly being surprised by life right now,
Maybe this is a sign, of some sort, even if it's not what it's appearing to be.

I'll take it, I'll take any form of hope these days.

I'm missing myself, and it's not up to anyone else to help me find the pieces.

I love my job, tutoring kids, making a difference in their lives is so rewarding. The smallest breakthrough I have with a kid is the best thing in the whole world.
I love seeing their face light up when the lightbulb clicks on and they realize they understand something.
I love knowing im helping mold their future; that one day these children will be in my shoes, and they might not remember my name, or even think about having a tutor, but knowing I'll be preparing them for some future events, is all I need.

I'm feeling like I belong in the world again.

I can't wait for life to work itself out, I'm getting impatient,  I feel like my life hasn't started yet. I wanna teach, I wanna be married, I want my 2 kids.
I cannot wait to be a small human's 'Mommy'.
And I want that fairytale happiness.

My aunt's wedding/relationship gives me a newfound hope somehow. Unfortunately it also reminds me of the tough choices Ive had to make in life, and I seriously just want to cry.
I feel like im rushing myself a bit,  I wont let myself cry about it anymore, despite wanting to. I start to like, well up, seconds away and BAM I get mad at myself and tell myself to lock it down, and carry on.

Someone once called me chaos.
It has stuck with me since, I bring chaos, my live is havoc and I live in shambles.

Im one strong fucking bitch though, knock me down, I promise you, I'll get right back up.

At least now my motivation is fighting my depression, steps forward of any kind is good.
I cannot wait for things to come, whatever they may be.

Yes. <3