Writingmakesmestopcrying

Its pretty devastating when things go south very quickly and the person who felt like home and seemed to fit so perfectly most likely isnt going to be the one who stays in your life.

Im already extremely upset and heartbroken.  Its fucking stupid i know.

So sick of trying, or feeling like im failing at trying. I understand having patience and giving things time, but I dont understand how to do that when there seems to be barely anything there to begin with, and really having no idea if things will ever be different.

I definitely left a different person when I went back to school, than who Ive got now. Thats rude to say isnt it?  It is. But seriously I cant even find one thing thats even slightly the same. That sucks because everything I had before was exactly what I wanted, and needed. And now its like some twisted sick game of "lets combine everything shitty about her exes and put them into one"

Now that's rude.

Thats harsh. Because situations and people are very different, but oooooh this feeling ive been stuck with for almost a month now is all too familiar in the worst ways.  Im biting my tongue everytime I want to say something ive said before, and I get so on edge everytime i get the same responses ive gotten before.

One of the things thats got me really worried is I feel I've been left without any pros, and just a bunch of cons whereas in previous times ive had small things to hold on to.
The only reassurance I have now is a simple "If I wanted to leave, I would."

At the same time I also know I get all cry-y, upset, ready to leave and very guarded hen I'm put in the position of feeling these ways again because it never ends well.

Maybe its just a bad phase and some of what I had before will come back?  Maybe im just overly dwelling on all of this and considering it a million and one reasons to run fast and never look back because the last time I felt this strongly for someone, but went without any kind of intimacy, unreassured, unappreciated and taken for granted I lost everything about who I was to try and change everything just so it could work even 2%

I can handle phases, and moods, and people getting stuck in funks, but if its a constant state it completely ruins me.

Just already tired of feeling alone and not like a girlfriend. Like im fighting a lost cause.

Im also tired of feeling like im pushing too much, like I just need more patience. I feel like ive turned into my ex and just overcrowding.
And that makes me think I finally understand how he felt, which is shitty, and I wouldnt want him to feel like this, but I also know how I felt while he was like this and he really needed to chill.

My mind is constantly filled and its so hard to stay positive when ive got nothing to go off of really. Tired of feeling like im constantly walking in eggshells and having to watch what I say, or how I come off, but at the same time still be able to fill a small ounce of my voids.
Ive gotta just calm down and chill, but I feel like I cant because I refuse to be the person standing saying "I didnt see this coming".