"It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards"

it's getting harder and harder to find quotes that go with what the post is going to be about.
i'll have to slowly start incorporating Through the Looking Glass and other Carroll works.
<3

Anyways, on to why i've yet again came here-
moving on from someone who once meant everything.

i talk way too much about my relationships. but then again, they're always what means the most to me.

i came across my memory card for my old cell phone, i wanted to see what was on it, boyyyy it was hilarious the text messages i found.
a bunch from old friends of mine, who i don't talk to anymore.
a ton from a girl i once considered to be my other half.
2 that made me cry instantly when i saw them.
and then a couple i just HAD to save from a man that was everything i needed at the time.

out of all the texts on that memory card, i only talk to 1 of those "old friends" i referred to. i was surprised though that i didn't even find them bitter sweet. i don't really consider myself to have a ton of friends, i call them aquaintances. they're come or go, and i guess i'm better off that way, since i don't talk to any of them anymore.

the girl who i considered my other half, her texts made me smile and i even burst out laughing at some of those texts. now those were bittersweet. they definitely tugged on my heart and made me want to forget everything bad that has happened between her and i in the past year and a half. but i know better. I'm not one for holding grudges, but this girl has shown me that sometimes grudges do need to be kept. for as close as we were, which anyone would've been able to see in those conversations i re-read last night, she really screwed stuff up just because she couldn't have what she wanted, couldn't get her way. i'm still unsure of which person she wanted the most, but either way, any real friend would've never pulled those stunts. there's only 3 people in this world that i've ever wanted to royally punch in the face, and she's on that list.
i'll ramble about her a little later on. Off with her head! because she needs to stay out of my way, out of the path that i want, needs to just go away. so much anger, it's maddening.

i instantly saved the 2 that made me cry the second i saw the phone number.
He's been gone for 2 years now, and im not over it, but i'm not upset about it. how is that possible?
because i don't think about it. i believe he's still alive out there, living his life, thinking about me from time to time. I miss this man with every ounce of my soul, and if i could get him back, bring him back, i wouldn't hesitate it. I talk to him outloud every day, i blame him for all my misfortunes, because he always wanted me to face the hard things in life. He believed in me, he got me through the worst fall down the rabbit hill i've had to face in my 22 years, and if he were around today, i know he would've whooped my ass last winter with all the shit i was doing.
but he was so forgiving, he helped me face my dark passenger [lets reference dexter] and helped it go away for thee longest time. like i said though, i believe he's still out there, with me. and boy when i finally get to where ever he went, that boy is getting a royal ass beating for making me face all this hard shit in life by my self.
keep resting easy michael, i love you with all my heart, always. i miss you.

and last, but definitely not least, were the texts i had to save, which, will get lost and deleted with years to come.
when i say what we had was innocent, i truly mean that.
our love knew no boundaries, knew no brick walls, no real hurt, it was pure innocence and i wouldn't of changed a thing.

"Morning Gorgeous! 2 days and we wont have to text each other morning cuz we'll be next to each other :)"
"It's always slammin, under me, on me, next to me, or bent over in front of me ;)"
"I miss you baby"
and of course, my favorite;

"Your just everything to me. your nice, caring smart, funny, beautiful, fun, loving. i love talking to you and doing pretty much anything with you. your serious about us just as much as i am and i love knowing you feel the same way about me as i do about you. i love you"

now comeeee on. who wouldn't want to hear those things?
i do. it's an incredible feeling when someone can express their true feelings to another person.
it's raw, unguarded and true. and that is another thing i live for.

Now, we didn't work out, for reasons that were a long time coming, but after almost 4 years with that man, i'll never forget him. But after going through the texts last night, i realized there were things i had forgotten.
i forgot about the bad that we went through. i've been claiming that him and i never fought, we always got along and this and that.
but last night i remembered the time i walked away, and the only thing i heard was him punching the trailer, and him speeding off in his civic, and not caring if i ever talked to him again.
i remember the time i really thought he was cheating on me, and i sat him down like a little kid, and confronted, and demanded, and was the biggest bitch i've ever been.
i remember another fight we got into, i was furious, and he was furious, and we didn't talk for days.
i remembered the time i texted him and said this was his "get out of jail free" pass and to take it if he wanted out, no questions asked.
i won't say he was always in the wrong, but i wont say i was always either.
i took alot out on him and man he took alot out on me.

but there was something that always got us through, and it wasn't always love, or our feelings.
it was the fact we knew exactly how to handle eachother at any given moment.

i remember we went to florida for vacation one time, we drove in my little 94 toyota corolla, packed with lots of stuff. that 18 hour drive was hell when we were both awake. he was a total asshole, which i NEVER once in my life called him to his face. he hated the word and i respected that.
but how did i handle it? i took a nap. and slept. when i woke up, i told him i loved him and that was that.

we celebrated new years in florida during that time, it was just him and i in my moms house down there, we were having fun enjoying florida and disney/universal and the zoo. i'm a huge fan of watching the ball drop on new years, i haveee to see it, or i feel like i've missed something, like it cant be the next year until i see it.
dumb sounding, i know, but still. ugh. i love it.

we were tired from a day of disney, and i was laying on a chair in the living room, him being of age, had bought us beer, but we didn't really drink it. i told him that if i fall asleep, he needed to wake me up before they started counting down. we set phone alarms and everything.

when i finally woke up, it was to him sleeping in the other chair, and the tv already celebrating the new year.
me, being half asleep, bitchy and knowing i missed the ball dropped, threw the remote at him, woke him up, said some extremely foul things at him, and stormed off into the bedroom, where i proceeded to find the ball dropping online somewhere.
i didn't want him near me, i told him to not even try to sleep in the same bed as me that night.
you know what he did while i was being theeee biggest bitch in the world?
he said he was sorry, he said he didn't understand, but that he was extremely sorry. and he sat in the living room for a little bit. he texted me saying he loved me, and he wanted to sleep in bed with me that night.
when i finally let him go to sleep with me, i told him not to even come near me, or touch me.
he did it anyway. he knew that was the way to get me over it.

some would say that boy was whipped, or took shit he shouldn't have, or was a puppy dog and did whatever i said. thats now how him and i ever viewed it. we understood when we needed space, we understood that people will lash out, be angry and irrational over dumb things, and that it will pass.

the biggest thing he learned about me, was when i said i never wanted to see him, or talk, or this or that
he knew the way to calm me down, was to do it anyway.

its girl logic, that no one EVER thinks makes sense, and i suppose it doesn't, but if i'm mad at you, and you've screwed up, or done something to make me mad, then apologize, whether you believe you did wrong or not, sorrys are best, and then showing your sorry. love me even though i'm angry. kiss me even when i pull away, hug me when i say don't touch me.
this man was everything that i needed in my life back then,
we were best friends, we were inseperable, not because we were whipped or untrustworthy, but because we were a team. we consulted eachother before making a decision, and we confided in eachother for everything.

we'd spend time together and not talk, just because eachothers company was all we needed. he'd be studying, while i sat on the computer playing games.
i'd be typing a paper, while he sat there with guitar hero at a low volume.
he'd help me study with flashcards, and i proof read his papers.
i'd take the tires off, while he was mounting them,
i'd drain the oil while he was getting what i needed.
i'd go on any tow, no matter the distance, and talk to anyone we met.
i'd drive to his school just to say hi, and he'd use his lock out kit to leave flowers on my dashboard for me to find after my night class.
i once filled his bedroom with 300+ sticky notes for valentines day,
and he sat in the ER waiting room all night and morning when we first met to make sure i was okay.

we were a team. complimented eachother to a T, and everything was good.
but sometimes, people grow out of that, just get bored, need more fight, need someone to put them in their place when they're wrong.

let me tell you, i found it when i wasn't even looking.
but it wasn't what i wanted either. i'd like to combine the two, take a little from that man years ago, and mix it with a whole lot of this newer one. Rough edges are nice.
rough edges with understanding and team work would be perfect.

lets end this.

“I could tell you my adventures—beginning from this morning,”

said Alice a little timidly; “but it’s no use going back to yesterday,

because I was a different person then.”