Rambles, nott shambles!

i'm not sure which direction this is going to go in yet. i usually can sit down and be like. LETS WRITE ABOUT THIS TODAY.
but i have so much i need written down.
i think i said this the other day. just been so busy with the past week being Thanksgiving break from school.
i spend my time with friends til late/early in the morning, and slept, and repeated.
it was extremely nice.
but what was even nicer was knowing i was leaving, coming back to my apartment.
MY apartment. not my moms house, his house, my dad's house, whatever.
i didn't have to deal with bullshit shenanigains or shambles.

my life is less shambley lately. and there's someone that should be thanked for that.
i will thankkkkk himm tremendously whenever i see him next, lemme tell ya.

but yes. things are going better.
people realized i'm not dealing with their bullshit this weekend, and i'm not just talking about my mother&stepfather.

i'm now the person that when you ask how things are going, or how life is,
how school is, how my relationship is, etc
i no longer sit there bitching or rolling my eyes.
things are rough with school, life is rough and there's so much distance in my relationship its scary

but i have stuff i light up about again.
not just drone on about and shit.

things happen when you least expect it.

this had to be said.

because i think about it constantly when it comes to someone.

i never saw it coming.

i never saw him coming.

isn't that a taylor swift song?

lets quote that shizz.

So you were never a saint
And I’ve loved in shades of wrong
And I never saw you coming
And I'll never be the same.

anyways. someone makes me happy, and it was completely COMPLETELY unexpected.

it started out as a joke, something i never really meant. and now i'm no longer bitching about someone who i can't MAKE THINGS work with.

ya know, i did this once before with a previous. i tried and tried. it got the best of me and put me with my demons, until one very special person said to me

"why try and make it work with someone, when there's someone out there things will just work with?"

 

i stood by that question for thee longest time. i've repeated it, used it as advice for others, and believed in it wholeheartedly.  but for the past year or so i've completely overlooked that, been strong headed and thought i could make something work that was long past due. there was too much bad.

i've been saying that there was too much bad since last November.

jezus christ. Last November what was i doing? Well last thanksgiving i spent mad at my ex because he refused to come to my grandmother's with me to visit my family. he "didn't feel like being around people" so i was spending yet again [because B never was around either] another Thanksgiving by myself.

guilt didn't work either, he was strong headed, if that boy didn't wanna do something, he didnt. NO MATTER WHAT.

the entire time at my cousin's i got questioned about why he wasn't around and this and that. i hate that shit, especially when there's not a legitimate reason. whatever. i quickkllyyy stopped being mad at him when my dad pulled the whole "i'm the best dad in the world" card.

ALRIGHT. FATHER OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO THE MANNNN who has never been there for me at all, ever. i've gone MONTHS without talking to my father, and then when he DOES call me he says "hey where's your brother, i wanna talk to him.." and thats it.

thank you dad, for making it extremely known to me that you didn't want a girl, you didn't want me. my sincerest apologies.

i ended up at my ex's. walked in, sat on our bed and bawled and got handed my bottle of Jaegermeister that went down way too fast, and wayyy too easy.  by this time it was after midnight, making it black friday.

and our dumb asses decided we wanted bacon. we alwayyyss craved bacon on the weirdest times. so i grabbed the second bottle of jaeger and headed out to his car. double fisted and bitched about my father the entire drive to walmart. when we walked into walmart, i felt like i was the saddest girl anyone had ever seen.

i looked bangin, not to brag, but i know i looked hot as shit. but i was trashed and in heels, in a busy walmart. i was so friggen paranoid. hah. i'll neverrrr forget how i felt haha!.

that's really all there is to that story. bought bacon, drank more, got home, crycuddled, and we passed out.

one of the better memories i have.

so that's what i was doing around this time last year.

also i was reminded tomorrow is hunting season or something.

andd bear season was recently, or is still going right now.

know what that means?

that means this time last year i was sitting in that same ex's kitchen, getting told "this will fuck you up, small hit.."

and let me tell you, NO ONE EVER TELLS ME how much to hit. i do what i want.

and what i wanted, and did, FUCKED MY LIFE.

he wanted to call our friend who was away in the army. so he called him because we were already starting to feel good. he should've neverrrr trusted me to listen! he came back, sat at the counter with me, put the phone in between us on speaker so i could say hi, and in middddd sentence, i remember we both stopped, and just went
"oh fuck."

i'd say it was a good trip we went on, but i remember yelling for him to carry me into his room because i thought i was dying. i was so cold, and so hot at the same time.

i remember tryinngggg to make myself throw up because i felt so sick, but sitting there pretty much choking myself, and thinking i was going to just choke and die in the bathroom.

i remember him using the heat vent on the floor to heat up the blanket because i COULD NOT AT ALLLLLLL stop shaking.

i also remember convincing him i was pregnant. that was one of the funniest conversations with him ever.

and when his mom knocked, i knew i wouldn't be able to be chill, so i told him to tell her i was dead.

WHAT A FUCKING NIGHT.

i don't realllyyy remember how we ended up at the diner, and what happened after that.

but just like the first time, the next day, everything was beautiful and amazing.

that was the first time i actually sat there and watched spongebob and didn't geek.

that sponge is the devil for anyone who doesn't know; i absolutely despise that spongey-bob. but that's anotherrrrr post. haha.

but yes.

that was another good time. 

so much has changed in a year. people i considered my best friends, my brothers, my boyfriend, are all different now. it's a little disheartening really. when i look at the small picture, i feel as if i've failed something.

but when i step back, and look at everything, it wasn't a fail, i didn't lose.

it simply wasn't my job to fix things. it wasn't something to 'win' or succeed at. i had been trying to do it all alone the entire time. i'm succeeding more now by finally realizing all that, and walking away.

a little good doesn't, and will never make up for a truckload of bad. i wish the blame was all on other people too, but i'll own up to my bad choices and failed promises as well. there's really no trueee excuse for why i kept making the same mistake,

but i honestly kept saying "why not"

i ask for the same respect i give to others, no matter who they are. i ask for the same understandings, feelings, etc. if you want me to stop talking to someone, to stop bitching, or whatever, i expect the other person to also do a few small things i ask for. apparently things aren't a two way street with someone people, and they think they can continue doing what they want, yet demand stuff from me.

mine might've been worse, but honestly, i didn't care. it was out of character for me completely,

but i was nothing since day one and barely wanted me around, why would i just sit there waiting.

i wouldn't, sorry. not who i am, so i found it in another place.

whatever.

ya know what.

i don't even know how i got on that topic, but its depressing me something fierce, and its 4am, i'm sick as a fucking dog and i don't need depressing shit in my head.

would you like me to ramble about the person who DOES make me smile just by simply looking at me?

well. he has a name, and a face, 2 hands, 2 feet, realllyyy tall, 2 blue eyes, and this smile that honnnestttlyyy makes my day.

he puts me in my place, but in a good way. things just, feel promising for once in a long time. things are easy.

i'm not use to easy anymore. i'm not use to going more than 3 days without a screaming match.

i'm not at ALL use to someone texting me goodmorning randomly.

but i'm also not as ALL use to the person who makes me happy living more than 5 hours away from me.

5 hours isn't TOO bad.

10 hours isn't awful.

14 hours seems a little rough.

this boy is about 18 hours away from me, and it kills me everyday. i'd love to wake up, roll over and BAM have that fineeeee boy be sleeping next to me.

or walk in after class and have him sitting on my couch playing video games.

or just playing around. i'd love all of it. i'd love to have a phone call that says "alright baby, i'll see you soon!"

but, i don't get that

but ya know what, that's okay because i haven't really gone a day without skyping him in FOREVER and my phone is constantly saying i have a new text,

and i know deep down that i will see him again eventually, and when i do, it will honestly be like he never left in the first place.

the ONLY thing i dread about those times he does come and visit, are those terrible goodbyes.

i've only had 1 so far. i knew i'd miss him, i knew i'd be lonely, but i never knew it was going to be so terrible.

who in the WORLD chooses this sort of life? the constant waiting, the constant wondering when you'll see them again, be near them, hug them, and talk to them face to face.

it takes some strong ass people to do this sort of thing, and i've never considered myself a strong person at all.

i'm patient. i'll wait for something and work towards it if its something thats really wanted, but strong i am not.

but i'm going to try to be. i'm going to have to, no option given. i made my decision and i knew what i meant.

i'm standing by that as much as i can. it's only been 2 weeks, but its something i haven't doubted for a second once. those times i'm feeling a little lonely, or i'm out with my friends and i realllyyyy wish he was with me, everything gets better the second he texts me or calls.

i've got this. i'm hoping for the best, because i really like this boy. it seems promising, i'm hoping i'm not wrong. lets see where things progress to, it'll be interesting, and i'm excited. i'm loving being happy. i'm loving knowing that there's no bad to fight through, there's no stress really, there's no baggage and bad mistakes really.

i'm really liking this boy.

it's time to end this on that note, i'm sick and i have class at 11.

i'm starting to look forward to every next day, i'm excited to see what it brings, but i know it brings me closer to being near boy again.

brown.eyed.girlllll.