Seems i've Lost my way.

this one goes out to the ones i've lost, i've put aside and never given a chance because i'm so strong willed, and never know when to give up.

names aren't importanrt, i know who those men are,
and i'll quote my wonderful friend John Paul whose continued to stand by me no matter how many times i let him down,

"Valerie, you're true. Truly a Certified Heartbreaker"

he's been calling me that for YEARS now. and i never understood it, i figured it was him just saying it because he's wanted a chance to date me since we were in 6th grade, but i friendzoned him always.

now, i understand it a lot more. by putting another person in that box, that friend zone, that "not right now" its him not you, spot.

i can't even begin to think of all the chances i've had to make the last year and a half of my life better and i always ignore it. Hell, it could've ended up badly with any of them, thats a risk anyone faces, but instead i chose my "safer" route. i knew he'd continue to hurt me, let me down and not even care, it's something i can call and see ahead of time, so i stay.

lets use a perfect word and its definition right now..

Definition for masochist:

someone who obtains pleasure from receiving punishment.

i suppose most people see being a masochist as someone who enjoys physical pain, punishment, hurt. But not many people think about someone being a emotional, psycological masochist.  and i don't enjoy it, so i suppose the word doesnt REALLY fit what i'm trying to get across, but i'm stuck here. in this unhealthy relationship, there's no physical abuse, i've never been hit by this one, or pushed around in an unhealthy manner. it's gotten damn close i feel though, when those times come with anyone for some reason i stand my ground and openly ask if they're going to hit me, and if they're going to, to go right ahead. i don't mean to push buttons, but i'd rather know what they're capable of, then to find out unexpectedly one day.

he swears he never could, and i've seen him have some incredible self control before. but i doubt any man atleast a little when they say they could never hit a woman. i've seen it, had it, it happens. everyones got their demons, and their breaking points when they're not themselves anymore and they see nothing but red. it happens, i've been there.

i'm getting off track a little. lets go back to the ones i've turned down, the ones that have turned me into the Certified Heartbreaker, because those men all deserve some sort of recognition.

I've burned my bridges with them, unfortunately. They're the good ones, the ones that finish last, the ones everyone oversees and doesn't pay attention to. Girls pick assholes. I'll be the first to openly admit it, i'll go on the record and fight all women on it. We like men that treat us like shit. No idea why.

Then again, we also like a man who can help us pick up our pieces and make us a better person. Ive had my share of both, I've picked the Nice guy before, and it was perfect. there's no better word to use.

I've also chose the asshole who, i also added to, but treated me like another number.

Men, if you're going to treat us like another number, you shouldn't expect more out of us when you start to "start feeeling more" for us. You treated me like just another girl, why would i want to treat you with more respect, like you're someone special to me? Exactly, I shouldn't.

Sometimes shit happens though, i've learned that too many times in the last year and a half. People make mistakes, i've made my fair share of them. But i'll be the first one to try and fix it.

I keep getting off my path.
this post is for them, not me.

This one simply goes out to all of them that I've ignored.
all of them that i went to when i needed help, but never took the advice.
the guys that offered me everything, including a way out, and i didn't take it-

this one is for the one i used to  fill a void.

this is for the one who still tries and doesn't know better.

this line is for the one that will always be standing by.

this ones for the one whose seen me cry the most.

i'll make this one for the one that was willing to go against everything.

i make this one definitely for the unexpected.

this ones for the one who still promises to pick up my pieces.

this is for the ones who think i deserve better.

the ones who think the sun shines out my ass.

making this for the guys who never say 'i told you so'

the ones that just want me to be happy

i wanted advice, i needed a friend. none of them could simply give me that without wanting more.
i've ruined some good things with people because they've given up on trying to help me out.
but at the same time, they completely understand, the admire how i am, and seem to only want the best for me.

If i believe in it, even if there's no logical reasoning behind it, i go for it.
One of those impossible things i believe before breakfast.

those people deserved recognition.
they've always stood by, came whenever i needed just to talk or guy advice, or to tell me what i was doing wrong.
they watched me continuously make the wrong decisions and still talked to me about how to fix it.
they continues to be there for me despite knowing, it wasn't ever going to be them.

John Paul, whether you ever see this or not,
i never understood what you meant when you'd call me that. Every relationship i was ever in, i honestly cared for the other person, and saw myself with them for a long time. I'm very optimistic about everything, i don't date people to play games, or to hurt them.
I've never been your Certified Heartbreaker until this past year, where the nice guys, or the devious guys, the guys who wanted to 'save me' or simply make me laugh, finished last.
there's always going to be that 'what-if' with anyone.
i've made my bed, and i'll lay in it, i don't really regret much, except maybe not trying harder.


I'm still fighting for what i believe in. And i'm still hurting people.
Somethings got to give.

there is this boy though, he's new, makes me smile ConstAntly. Most pEople Really dON't know.
somethings gotta give. 

i think its time to give.