just give me a little ecstasy and this brunette will be set for a wonderlandish adventure.
now, getting to the point of this post!
somethings are going right for me. and i'm not understanding why. maybe i'm pure idiot for even questioning it, but its too much, all at once. i'd love to enjoy it, but i'm too busy standing guarded being scared.
this isn't me. i blame him. i've always been raw, unguarded, no walls, an open book. but the last guy really did a number on me, just like i'm sure i did a number on him. i regret a lot, but regret doesn't get anyone anywhere in life. i just know that this time around, i'm doing things differently; i know what i'm capable of and why i didn't do it this last time i'll never really know. i'd hate him for those times he swore everything, just for me to find out he was lying, and i hate him for those nights i needed someone and he was never there. but i also hate myself for always running to dave, i hate myself for always giving in and taking him back. but i'm hating myself even now for the changes he's made to me.
he has a note somewhere stashed away in his nightstand next to a cardboard petco box, stuffed behind otterbox cases, my lighters, and his 420 pipe cleaner,
probably crumbled up, burned and torn a little. it'll probably never see the light of day again but on that paper is everything that i was before last June. everything i loved about myself, and everything that i stood for, wanted out of life, everything i was, and still wish i could be.
even if that paper doesn't exist to anyone else, it existed to us. even though he never saw that person on that paper, i know for a fact i can be, i am capable of being that person.
let me explain a little more, since that is so vague. you're probably lost.
i've always been good with words, good with writing, good with expressing myself, explaining and being openly honest with people in writing. it's the easiest way for me to express myself. and i did it for my ex a few times. he'd wake me up, i'd watch him get ready for work, he'd kiss me, say goodbye and he'd leave for work around 4am every morning. it was our routine, and i loved it. i'd fall back to sleep, and depending on the day i'd wake up, go to work, or wake up, talk to his mom, play video games and wait for him to get home.
but a few times, i laid in bed and wrote him long notes about how much i cared, or how much i wanted this or that for us, what i wanted out of our relationship, and how i felt we could get there. i'd then make our bed, leave the note on his side, and leave for work.
the note that's stashed away in his night stand described me perfectly, before i let him and other things get the best of me.
something he hated about me, something he always called me out on, and wanted to change about me;
"life isn't a fairytale, love isn't a fairytale, when you stop thinking it is, we'll actually work"
he was wrong, on so many levels. he never understood a damn fucking word i meant. he understood me on so many levels, but he never understood me on that one.
let me explain even MORE-
i've had bad relationships, and i mean, terrible, even putting my most recent ex aside.
i've been hurt, i've cried, i once made the decision to date my bestttt friend [who was a guy] just to have him cheat on me 3 days into the relationship. i've dealt with guys who pushed my limits, and tried to get me to do things i didn't want to. i've been with a guy who i shared with my 2 good friends at the same time. i've dealt with guys who thought hitting me was the answer, and guys who thought lying was the only way.
but i've had guys who thought the sun shined out of my ass, that thought i was amazing, gorgeous, wonderful. guys who swore they loved me, and guys who would do absolutely anything for me.
i've also had amazing relationships where it was an equal balance of power, a great understanding of eachother, and relationships that seemed perfect.
i'm a sucker for that happy romance shit. i believe in it wholeheartedly and that's something my ex always tried to get me to let go of. that paper thats wrinked and written in my best handwriting simply states things such as
i believe in the innocence of love. i believe love IS patient, and kind, and the right kind can make the world better. i believe that people are good, the world is good, that positive energy and people can make a person's bad day better.
that note goes on to say things such as:
i believe in love. i believe in putting someone else before myself, i live for making other people happy, their happiness is my happiness. i live for being cute, and being passionate with the right people. i enjoy sex just like many other people, but i hold sex to a high standard and unfortunately not many people my age see it my way. i don't believe in sex with just one person, but i also don't believe sex should be spread around, should be open game with anyone. i respect myself, and wish guys to respect me as well. I'm not going to sleep with randoms just for 10 minutes of feeling great. i'll hate myself after. i'd rather spend countless 10 minutes with 1 person who makes me feel amazing about myself. i'd like to be settled and married and done before i hit double digits, if it doesn't happen, oh well, but i pride myself on only being with certain people. also, sex is not it for me. i enjoy it, its a wonderful thing, but that doesn't build what i want with a partner. what i live for, what i need is that playing around, is handholding, is being cute together. i absolutely love just cuddling and watching movies. and i love watching boyfriends play video games, or work on cars. i love taking a lot of stupid pictures, and i love things like random texts, random notes left places, i love forehead and tummy kisses, i love flowers, and when a guy stands behind me and wraps his arms around me. I believe in having fun together, believe in trusting eachother, loving eachother, being there for eachother. i'm the person that enjoys just listening to the other person's heartbeat. that is bliss for me. knowing that at that very moment, the other person is alive, is existing and i'm the person their choosing to spend their existence with.
i also went on to explain that i trust with no fear, i have no exterior walls to break down, i like and love and move forward without a care in the world. that there are no hurdles to jump over, or tests to pass just to get to know me. i'm an open book, i'm the person who will tell you the worst part about myself right off the bat, because i'd rather cut to the bullshit and either have the person run away right away, or know what they're getting themselves into.
and that's me. or atleast who i was. who i'd love to be again.
it breaks my heart, and honestly has me ready to cry knowing he told me that was all dumb. that that sort of stuff isn't real. it's fairy tale.
alright, so, i want something, i believe in something that doesn't seem achievable, something that seems movieonly, but i've had it, a few times, i know its out there. so for him to sit there and tell me i was trying to live a fairytale was utter bullshit.
he just couldn't give me that. he told me that numerous times. i don't think he tried hard enough, or wanted to. his loss, majorly.
let me continue about who i am.
i believe in moving forward. what one boy did wrong to me, i tried to never blame the next one for.
ryan's mistakes weren't bryan's issues.
just like ed's shouldn't be cameron's.
but i'm not sure how i went about forgetting the shit ryan put me through, and never taking it out on bryan.
ryan did some mean things, but i suppose it never compared to the things i dealt with the past year.
i'm big on lying. do not lie to me.
i'd rather hear the awful, hurtful truth from that person, so i can handle it, than hear a lie and find out later on.
----If i had a dollar for everytime i said, or screamed, this this past year, i'd be rich.
some people don't get the point.
"i was thinking of your feelings, i didn't want to hurt you, so i lied."
THIS IS BULLSHIT. no.no.no.no.no.
i won't even get started on that because i'm so over it.
i just want to move forward. i want things to be innocent and happy again. this new boy has done nothing wrong, to my knowledge, so far, and i'm loving it. do i doubt him? i'm wishing i wasn't. i'm hoping he proves the doubtful side of me wrong. i hope he shows me up, shows me there was no reason to ever doubt him, or this in the first place.
i'm loving the possibility of this. even if things crash, burn, and its a horrific scene, i atleast know how i felt right now, in the beginning. and that will make it, in the end, worth it.
now my ex didn't HATE who i was, but he never agreed with how i felt about love, sex, and the world.
he's been hurt a lot before, and he doesn't trust anyone. he's negative fucking nancy, wet blanket willy, he's debby downer, whatever. sex is a game to him, if he can get it, he will. he says he respects the fact the other person is giving him their body, but i think he's just saying that to make himself feel better. he's definitely fucked a decent amount of people, including girls he didn't even know. and he talks so negatively. the way i explain it, is i feel he believes the world is a bad place, people are out to get one another, there's always a hidden motive. that no one is who they say they are, that you always need to watch your back, and only watch out for yourself.
that's nothing like who i am. i understand being hurt, and being afraid it's going to happen again, but i think it's a waste of time worrying about allll of the bad, because a person who worries and is scared the bad will happen is usually missing out on all the good, or pushing away the person who is trying to show them nothing but good.
he pushed me away hardcore after i wrote that note to him. he made it known that who i was was a sort of fantasy, that no one really thinks like that, that i'm naive and have my head up my ass pretty much.
i don't believe i'm naive, i like to think of myself as optimistic. i'm not going to be angry and pissed off all the time. As the great movie American History X says, Hate Is Baggage. it's a waste to be pissed off all the time. I could easily be guarded, and put my walls with trust issues, and other problems, and make people break them down, and push through them just to get to know me, but i feel i'd be missing out on a lot of wonderful people by doing that.
i'm not perfect at all, but i don't make myself out to be perfect. as i stated before, when i'm interested in someone, and it seems to be headed in a relationship direction, i make the worst things about me known.
1. i have severe anxiety. it controls my life pretty badly.
2. i self harm. i've been doing it for over 10 years now. i'll openly talk about it if you ask.
3. i've cheated on a lot of my boyfriends. i don't sleep around, but i've kissed my fair share of people. when i cheat, i leave. no questions asked. i don't try and talk the person into taking me back, or giving me another chance, i leave and thats it.
thats pretty much all my bad in simple terms. i'm damn near crazy at times, and i cant seem to help it. everything stems off of those 3 things. i can be a bitch just like anyone else, but i can also be the best damn girlfriend in the entire world.
sometimes those 3 things scare a person off, and that's fine, atleast no one wasted their time, sometimes people thing i'm exaggerating those 3 things, and then they get a rude awakening when they find out how serious i am.
and then there's those few who sit down, talk to me indepthly and try and understand each one of those 3 things. and say, alright, everyone has their demons, i might not get or completely understand yours, but i'm willing to face them with you as they come. when i act out or my anxiety gets the best of me, people need to learn to work with me, not fight me or go hard against me. its a personality flaw i have and controlling it doesnt seem possible. i cant explain how i get when i get like that. i hate it myself. there was plenty of times this past year during those horrendous fights, that 5 minutes after the fight, and he'd leave, i sat there bawling hating myself.
i did that for an hour once. thats one of the times i knew i needed a change.
when you find yourself sitting in the corner of your kitchen floor, screaming, crying, and legit yelling at yourself because of the way you're actng and the physical thing you've just done to yourself
you know you need change in your life.
i needed it badly. life roulette became way to common. i remember those nights i'd take and consume anything not really knowing if i'd wake up, while mike would text me throughout the night to see if i was still coherent.
when people work against me and my anxiety, when they feed it, it gets out of control. i always feel like im fighting myself, and i hate it.
sometimes you meet someone who doesnt fight it, but tries and works with you. thats wonderful.
and i've only ever had that once or twice, but those are the people who meant the most to me.
i'm hoping things are good from here on out with Cameron. it's hard getting to know someone when they're 17 hours away from you all the time. but it teaches patience, and not to take the moments we are together for granted.
2 things i live for.
it's late, and i'm tired. im feeling more hopeful now that i've written all this down.
even though they'll never see it;
edward, i am sorry for never showing you i'm everything i wrote on that paper. i'm sorry for lying and kissing dave all those times. i regret that everyday and i know alot of our issues were stemmed from me. im sorry i couldn't make it work with you. i'm sorry i gave up. but i'm also sorry you never once took the time to talk to me about those 3 things. i'm sorry you told me i was faking all those times i had an anxiety attack, and those times you smacked my new bruises and said i needed to stop being an emo fag. i'm sorry you never stuck around and helped me face my issues. i'm sorry i always felt alone. i'm sorry you considered what i believe in as fake, and that everything i wanted was a fairytale. you always said you couldn't give me any of that, that its not who you are. i'm still wondering if thats true, or if you didn't care enough to try. you didn't deserve that person i wrote down and described in that letter, not once or a little bit. so i suppose i'm sorry i'm not sorry at all you never got the best of me.. i'm sorry we're nothing but "a lesson" now.
the.one.who.makes.my.heart.skip.beats, you're not him. atleast you don't seem it even a little bit. i have my short comings, and i'm hard to handle at times. work with me, not against me, and we'll never really have issues. i'll question things constantly, not because i dont believe it, because i need reassurance. i honestly don't feel like i deserve anyone's affection and it'll show. i can be one of the nicest and sweetest girls you'll ever meet. the kind of person you'll want in your life for a long time. but i can also be the nastiest, play-that-game-too sort of chick, but it takes a lot to get me there. i'm hoping we never get to that point, because you've got me happy, and i'd like to stay there. <3
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