everything to me, the unrequited dream.

1.) real name: NOPE. TOO PRIVATE.
2.) nickname: DiaBlo, Valley
3.) zodiac sign: Virgo!
4.) male/female: Female
5.) elementary school: Arlington
6.) middle school: Sburg & Ptown
7.) high school: Ptown
8.) natural hair color: brownnn.
9.) tall or short: uh, average? 5'6
10.) sweats or jeans: jeans
11.) 5 best friends: Courtney, Erika, Joey, Nick,
12.) phone or camera: phone with a camera duhh
13.) health freak: nope.
14.) orange or apple: oranges
15.) do you have a crush on someone? pretty much.
16.) eat or drink: drink water.
17.) piercings: 22.
18.) pepsi or coke: pepsi, if i have to choose.

Have you ever?
19.) been in an airplane: never, but 13 days!
20.) been in a relationship: ya
21.) been in a car accident:  yes. totaled my car.
22.) been in a fist fight: nope
23.) first piercing: ears
24.) first best friend: Caroline
25.) first award: uh? iunno.
26.) first crush: Travis
27.) last person you talked to in person: erika
28.) last person you text: cameron
29.) last person you watched a movie with: erika
30.) last food you ate: buffalo chicken pizza
31.) last movie you watched: magic mike for the 10th time.
32.) last song you listened to: slipknot.
33.) last thing you bought: jeans
34.) last person you hugged: i think i ran and jumped on Lee?

Favorites!
35.) favorite food: tie between mac and cheese and liver.
36.) drink: waterrrr, or rum.
37.) bottoms: jeans.
38.) flower: daisies win my heart.
39.) animal: ratties and kitties.
40.) color: true blue!
41.) movies: alice, breakfast at tiffanys, eternal sunshine, beauty and the beast
42.) subject: Writing

Put an "x" in the bracket if yes
43.) [x] fallen in love
44.) [x] celebrated halloween
45.) [x] had your heart broken
46.) [x] went over minutes/texts on your cell phone
47.) [x] had someone like you
48.) [ ] got pregnant
49.) [ ] had an abortion
50.) [x] did something you regret
51.) [x] broke a promise
52.) [x] hid a secret
53.) [x] pretended to be happy
54.) [x] met someone who change your life
55.) [x] pretended to be sick
56.) [ ] left the country
57.) [x] tried something you normally wouldnt do and liked it
58.) [x] cried over the silliest thing
59.) [x] ran a mile
60.) [x] went to the beach with your best friends
61.) [x] got into an agruement with your friend
62.) [x] hated someone
63.) [] stayed single for two years

Currently:
64.) eating: nada
65.) drinking: peace tea!
66.) listening to: vermillion pt2
67.) sitting or laying: on erika's couch.
68.) plans for today: nada.
69.) waiting: to go to kansas.

Your future:
70.) want kids: atleast 2.
71.) want to get married: yes.
72.) career: trying to make a difference in a teen's life.

Relationships:
73.) Lips or eyes: Eyes
74.) shorter or taller: definitely taller.
75.) romantic or spontaneous: spontaneously romantic
76.) hook-up or relationship: as said by kelly clarkson, "I do not hook up, I fall deep"
77.) interracial or same race: doesn't matter to me.
78.) long distance or near you: near would be preferable, but you can't help who you want to be with.
79.) look or personality: i have to be physically attracted to the person, but they havee to have a decent personality

Have you ever?
80.) lost glasses/ contacts: i still don't know where my glasses are.
81.) snuck out of the house: yesss
82.) held a gun/knife in self defense:  yess.
83.) killed somebody: no.
84.) broken someones heart: yes.
85.) been in love: mm.
86.) cried when someone died: i still cry.

Do you believe in?
87.) yourself: i try to.
88.) miracles: no.
89.) love at first sight: no
90.) santa claus: i wish.
91.) aliens: sure
92.) ghosts/ spirits: yep

Truthfully:
93.) is there one person you want to be with right now?: cam.
94.) do you know who your real friends are? i keep finding out who they are everyday.
95.) have you ever been cheated on? yea.

give them hell.

1. THE BASICS... Name?  
private

2. Gender?  
 lady.

3. Sexuality?  
 i like men.

4. Age?  
 22

5. Height?  
 license says 5'6

6. Weight?  
gotta get rid of 20lbs and then we'll talk.

7. Eye color?  
 brownbrownbroowwnnn with green.

8. Hair color?  
 ugly crapbrown color.

9. Race?  
 i don't run.

10. Piercings?  
 22 as of right now.

11. Where?  
right ear: 4 lobe, industrial, tragus.
left ear: 4 lobe, 2 helix, rook.
random: tongue, navel, 3 dermals on each hip.

12. Tattoos?  
 none yet, one planned.

13. YOUR CRUSH... How long have you known this person?  
known of him? a while.
started liking him? October.

14. How did you meet this person?  
mall run in.

15. What made you like him/her?  
really not sure.

16. Does (s)he have any piercings?  
 nahh.

17. Does (s)he have any tattoos?  
 one.

18. Smoker or nonsmoker?  
 "quitting."

19. Favorite thing about this person?  
his smile. ddefffinitely.
and his laugh.

20. Does (s)he know you like him/her?  
 i suppose he does.

21. Does (s)he like you, too?  
 i hope so.

22. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE... Color?  
 alice and tiffany blue.

23. Flower?  
 daisies own my heart.

24. Type of pants?  
 jeans

25. Type of shoes?  
 sneakers is where its at.

26. Tv show?  
 aye. uhh, its a good tie between true blood and greys anatomy.

27. Song?  
 well, that would be a tie also. Wish you were here-Pink Floyd, Breakfast at Tiffanys-Deep Blue Something

28. Movie?  
 tietietie. Alice In Wonderland disney version, Breakfast at Tiffanys, Beauty and the Beast, Eternal Sunshine and Casablanca

29. Food?  
  anything edible. i favor mac and cheese and liver the most though.

30. Game?  
  i really like poker.

31. Candy?  
  eh, not so much at all.

32. Book?  
  White Fang, Through the Looking Glass, In Cold Blood

33. Place to go?  
 the lake.

34. Website?  
 most visited is facebook and this blog.

35. THIS OR THAT... Burger King or McDonald's?  
 ew, mcdonalds hands down.

36. Subway or Firehouse Subs?  
 subway

37. KFC or Popeye's?  
 hmm. kkfffcccc

38. Pizza Hut or Domino's?  
 oivay. uhh. little ceasers!

39. Chocolate or vanilla?  
 chocolate.

40. PINK TEAM OR BLUE TEAM?  
 blue.

41. White or black?  
 little racist arent we?

42. Dark or light?  
 both.

43. Right or left?  
 right, always right.

44. Wet or dry?  
 depends what we're talking about. ^_^

45. Cold or hot?  
 hot.

46. Sunny or rainy?  
 sunnnnyyyyyyy

47. On or off?  
 depends.

48. Top or bottom?  
 ^_^ knees.

49. Up or down?  
 i like it when my moods up.

50. Against a wall or against a door?  
 WHICH EVER ;)

51. In the closet or out?  
 i'm in.

52. Covered or uncovered?  
 covered.

53. Radio or cd?  
 depends.

54. Sony PSP or Nintendo DS Lite?  
 psp

55. AIM or MSN?  
 aim.

56. Laptop or desktop?  
 laptop always.

57. Private or public?  
 private.

58. Rich or poor?  
 either, as long as im happy.

59. Love or money?  
 love. no doubt.

60. Sharp or dull?  
 sharp.

61. Hard or soft?  
 depends.

62. Thick or thin?  
 this is getting out of hand

63. Long or short?  
 enough.

64. Water or fire?  
 water.

65. Crayola or Rose Art?  
 this shouldnt even be a question, crayola always wins.

66. Emails or letters?  
 letters.

67. Sidekick or Blackberry?  
 sidekick

68. Prepaid or monthly?  
 prepaidmonthly

69. MTV or BET?  
 bet

70. LAST... Picture you took?  
me sitting here taking this survey.

71. Thing you bought?  
 the jeans i'm wearing.

72. Person you talked to?  
 verbally, erika. non verbally, cameron

73. Person you called?  
 not sure. joey?

74. Person who called you?  
 not sure.

75. Text message you received?  
":)" from boy.

76. Text message you sent?  
 "Awe. God damn. Too cute."

77. Clothes you wore?  
 cookie monster shirt, mismatched zebra socks and skinny jeans.

78. Type of underwear you wore?  
 none.

79. Thing you said?  
  thanks erika.

80. Show you watched?  
 GLEE

81. Place you went?  
  jcpenneys.

82. Thought you had?  
 THIS NEEDS TO END.

83. Dream you had?  
 too fucking weird. NO.

84. HOW MANY DO YOU OWN?
Cell phones?  
 lol. just 1 now. they keep breaking.
SOMEONE BUY ME A CELLPHONE.

85. TVs?  
1

86. Computers?  
 1

87. Dvd players?  
 2 if you count my xbox.

88. VCRs?  
1

89. CDs?  
 too many to keep track of.

90. DVDs?  
 haha, im not counting.

91. Pairs of shoes?  
 a few.

92. Belts?  
 2 i'm always wearing and 2 that have a sentimental meaning to me.

93. Watches?  
 none =[

94. Rings?  
 a promise ring, a pre engagement ring, and a claudaugh ring. wear these three every day.
others i have are nothing important.

95. Necklaces/chains?  
 i wear the one edward gave me every day. wonderlandish.
but i own a bunch, guitar picks, a 'bestill&know7.22" and a heart from bryan.

96. Bracelets/wristbands?  
 hairties.

97. AND FINALLY... Do you regret taking this survey?  
 yes.

98. Are you glad it's almost over?  
 kinda.

99. Would you do it all over again?  
 probably, i have nothing else to do.

100. Will you post it on your page?  
 ya.

we've always been headed seperate ways.

become i'm MAD bored, and i came across these and NEEDED to change my answers.
i needdd to update my life.


SURVEYS RULE.

Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love with?
i had some growing up to do. and the general consensus between us two, is we need to stay separate.

What was your last text about?
quitting smoking.

Could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life?
not quite sure whose hurt me the most in life. s-no way.  e-no way. r-we're friends now.

The person you last kissed finds someone new, what is your reaction?
i'd be pretty hurt honestly.

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?
no. =[ got another 13 days.

Person of the opposite sex you can tell everything too?
Edward Layne knows absolutely everything, Jared Allen knows a lot too.

What is the background on your cell?
Cameron in a beanie and sweatshirt.

How about your computer?
Cameron smoking a cigarette.

Has someone that you liked told you that you are a waste of time?
one person told me i was truly fucked up and needed serious help.
the other person told me i should just kill myself.
these were two people i loved very much.

Is there someone of the opposite sex that means a lot to you?
my brother means everything and the world to me.

Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
we talk as much as we can. i'm sure we'll be texting tonight.

Have you consumed alcohol in the past 24 hours?
drink.drank.drUnked last night.

Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that started with D?
ya, a few.

Will you be up before 7 AM tomorrow?
not at all. no class, no work. nuffin. i'm SLEEPING.

Who is the last person you were in a car with?
Myself.

What were you doing at 8am this morning?
opening a text from Cameron that made me smile :D

What will you be doing in 3 hours?
maybe going out with the ladies?

How often do you straighten your hair?
a lot

What are you currently looking forward to?
classes being over, and winter break.


OH AND SEEING CAMERON IN KANSAS!

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day?
hoping its better than today was.

What are you going to do?
nothing. maybe clean and work on some school stuff.

Have you dated the person you texted last?
i am right now. its been 3 weeks, yay us.

Are you satisfied with your life as of now?
i wouldn't change much.

What do you miss about your past?
i didn't care so much about things.

What do you carry with you at all times?
myheart.

Where was the last place you went besides your house?
jcpennys.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
Cameron or Sam, not sure.

Did you feel awkward at all today?
not today, last night yes, but not today.

In the next 6 months, what are you looking forward to most?
right now all i can focus on is going to Kansas.

Are you planning on seeing any movies in theatre?
nope.

Have you ever gone out of your way to make someone happy?
always.

Is there someone who can ALWAYS make you smile?
Nick Bock, and Sam, those boys are wonderful.
Dinah always made me smile. i miss her so much.

Have you fallen apart before?
i'm never together.

If you had the chance to travel back in time, would you?
i'd like to see mike and my grandfather again. yesyesyes. please?

What’s on your mind?
writing.

How late did you stay up last night?
went to bed at 7am.

Is there anything you want to tell someone but you can’t?
i wouldn't know where to start.

Does it bother you when people respond with one word texts?
yes.

Is there anyone who hates you?
I'm sure.

Are you thinking about anyone?
yes.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
Sometimes.

Your last kiss, on a bed or standing?
standing, on the side of the road. #SaddestThingEver

Have you ever had to spend the night at a hospital?
yes. ugh.

Are you currently trying to get over someone?
 neh.

Have you dated someone with longer hair than yours?
nope.

Which room in your house tends to be the coldest in the winter time?
my living room.

Who were you with the last time you went out for food?
Joey, Eli, Devlin, George. love them boys.

Have you ever fallen asleep on someone’s shoulder?
yes.

Have you stayed up past 3 AM in the past week?
a lot.

Are you single?
not even a little bit. so don't even try.

Someone tells you you’re beautiful, what do you say?
you're funny.

Is it okay to kiss people when you’re single?
i have no room to judge anyone about this. at all. wrong person to ask.

Can money buy happiness?
even if it could, i'm broke.

How many people do you trust one hundred percent?
none. everyone hurts me and lets me down somehow.
if they haven't, they will eventually.
i don't even trust myself with myself.

Do you ignore people when you’re mad/upset with them?
only when i'm extremely hurt.

Do you sleep with a fan on?
fans and i don't mix.
a boy got kicked, and called awful names, and afan got turned off RIGHT before it was about to go out the window.
and they remind me of that boy. fans? no thanks.

What if you dropped your phone in a puddle?
nope. worse, piss filled toilet.

Are you a heart breaker?
certified. apparently.

Is it ever too late to apologize?
never too late to do it, but it can be too late for it to mean anything.

Who was the last person who left your life and hurt you?
 left and hurt me? honestly? edward.

Do you know any of your neighbors?
at my momma's house? YES!
apt? nahh.

Where is the person who has your heart?
heart is where i am.

Are you in a complicated relationship?
not anymore.

Have you ever felt like you literally needed someone?
yes.

Does anyone disgust you?
yes.

If you could, would you punch the last person to hold your hand?
not at all.

If your ex was in trouble and you were the only one that could help him/her, would you?
without a doubt.

When is the next time you will kiss someone on the lips?
13 days?

Would you rather kiss someone 5 years older or 5 years younger than you?
Older.

I bet you miss somebody right now?
too much it's disgusting.

Do you believe ex’s can be friends?
sometimes, maybe.

Have you ever let someone be your everything?
yes. it was wonderful.

Have you cried today at all?
it's been 3 weeks, and i'm liking that.

Do you eat raw cookie dough?
Yes!

Do you have a job?
not really.

Your relationship status?
how many times do i have to state that i'm in a relationship.

Are you currently jealous?
always. of everything. right now, i'm jealous of Kansas.

Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yerp.

Does your hair have layers?
it does.

Do you tend to hold grudges?
i try, real hard sometiems because i should, but i really can't.

When you say you don’t care do you mean it?
depends.

Do you want to start over with anyone?
deep down, not at all.

Do you believe in second chances?
aye mio. i do. i hand out extra chances like they're on sale.

Have you kissed anyone this year that actually meant something?
meant more than anything.

Have you ever kissed an ex after you two have broken up?
yes.

Do you trust all of your friends?
No.

Done anything illegal in the past month?
no, but its crossed my mind.

Is there someone you wouldn’t mind kissing right now?
Mr. Johnny Depp would be quite nice.

What do you want to be when your older?
besides be happy, i want to make a difference in student's lives.

Favorite color?
blue.

When was the last time you saw your father?
a week or so ago.

How fast does your mood change?
pretty darn fast.

3 words

and  it's not that whole

be still and know 

crap he use to feed me.

nope. not him. getting on...

"like a champ."

love when things are described as doing them 'like a champ'.

this has made my day. lmfao.

moving on quickly...

drink me, eat me.

i recently talked about not being able to see my boy until hopefully January, but definitely March.
and how i'd love to have the phone call that says "See you Soon baby."
and how it'd be forever until i get that.

apparently i was wrong.

in 15 days
December 13th i'll be getting on a plane with my best friend
and flying to Atlanta, GA for a layover, waiting an hour,
and then getting on another plane and landing in Kansas City.
My bestie and I will be met at the airport by a wonderful ginger friend [who i believe does have a soul]
and then driven 2.5 hours away to

SEEEEEE MMMYYY BOYYYFRIENNDDD!

oh.my.god.
aye.dios.mio.
what good karma did i give out lately that i'm getting this handed back to me?
i'm excited for a whole bunch of reasons.

1. i didn't plan on seeing him for over a month, maybe even 3 months, let alone only 2 weeks.
2. I get to travel with my best friend. she's lovely.
3. i've never ever everrrr been on a plane before. it's pretty scary shit, but something i've wanted to do.
4. i've never been outside of the East Coast.
5. did i mention i get to see my boyfriend for 3 days?

i'd say that these 15 days are going to go by so damn slow and take forever,
but the next week of school is all last minute work, and then the week leading up to seeing him i have finals to focus on.
so these 15 days aren't going to be so bad after all. i'll be busy with school work, and there's even a few days he goes to the field to do somethings. so we'll both be kept busy.

i'm happy. at this moment, no. since october, i've had this sort of happiness just sitting near me. i never saw it coming, but sometimes when you least expect it, something shows up and changes everything.

one question i've been left pondering though is, why him?
which sounds god awful, but i don't mean it in a bad way.
for the past year i've been focused on my ex, but have had numerous guys try and show me a better time, try and get me over my ex, and try to get my attention.
dave pulled every stunt he could, corey tried countless times, gregg took me on the whole formal date status, mike was always there for my dark times, joey always was there to help me, and i'm sure there was a couple others that never backed down.

dave and mike filled voids for me. mike was just for attention, and dave i cared about and appreciated every little thing including the showing up random places to see me. gregg was too nice and didn't talk enough, i like a guy to be outgoing and grab my attention, he didn't at all. hmm,. corey? i'm not sure why, there's just something i don't like about him. i think he believes he's better than most people, and i don't like that at all. huge turnoff. joey, well we dated a long time ago, and i think ever since then i dont see him the same. he's my brother, and i'd do anything for him, he's hurt me tremendously and done things to me no bestbrotherfriend should, but there's history, i can't walk away from that just yet.

so why cameron? absolutely no idea. maybe because he didn't push to be with me. he didn't see it going in that direction ever, and he was just there to talk to towards the end.
hell, it's not even like i talked to him ever up until this past september.
all i really knew him as was the person my ex would skype with while i did the dirty with him off camera.
i have a twisted sense of humor, don't judge me.
anyways, when i did start talking to Cameron on my own, it meant nothing to me, and i don't think it meant much to him either. it was casual talking, that lead to a drunken skype night, which lead to jokingly marrying on facebook, which then lead to me hitting on him, and then him coming here, and us dating.

he sort of gave me something all the other guys didn't,
he gave me nothing. he gave me my space, he was just a friend talking to me with no extra motive
with no intention or desire to date me. he heard the shit i had to rant about, and gave me unbiased answers.
he made me not want to even talk about my ex. i found myself not wanting to waste time talking to him about stupid things, and i wanted to talk about other things.

crazy how things work, yet again.

i cannot wait to see him in 15 days.
i'm happy.
that's all. that's the only word i can really keep using. i'm having trouble describing how i feel,
and that rarely ever happens. any boy that makes it hard for me to explain how i feel is dangerous.
[i'll reference simba yet again]
I LAUGH IN THE FACE OF DANGER. ha-ha-ha.!


i got stuff i gotta do. and i'm hungry. i'm feeling better today, and i slept good last night.
my last anxiety attack during my sleep was at my dad's house.
maybe we can keep this going hmm? no anxiety ftw?

ravens, writing desks, tea parties and a white rabbit.

just give me a little ecstasy and this brunette will be set for a wonderlandish adventure.

now, getting to the point of this post!
somethings are going right for me. and i'm not understanding why. maybe i'm pure idiot for even questioning it, but its too much, all at once. i'd love to enjoy it, but i'm too busy standing guarded being scared.
this isn't me. i blame him. i've always been raw, unguarded, no walls, an open book. but the last guy really did a number on me, just like i'm sure i did a number on him. i regret a lot, but regret doesn't get anyone anywhere in life. i just know that this time around, i'm doing things differently; i know what i'm capable of and why i didn't do it this last time i'll never really know. i'd hate him for those times he swore everything, just for me to find out he was lying, and i hate him for those nights i needed someone and he was never there. but i also hate myself for always running to dave, i hate myself for always giving in and taking him back. but i'm hating myself even now for the changes he's made to me.

he has a note somewhere stashed away in his nightstand next to a cardboard petco box, stuffed behind otterbox cases, my lighters, and his 420 pipe cleaner,
probably crumbled up, burned and torn a little. it'll probably never see the light of day again but on that paper is everything that i was before last June. everything i loved about myself, and everything that i stood for, wanted out of life, everything i was, and still wish i could be.
even if that paper doesn't exist to anyone else, it existed to us. even though he never saw that person on that paper, i know for a fact i can be, i am capable of being that person.

let me explain a little more, since that is so vague. you're probably lost.
i've always been good with words, good with writing, good with expressing myself, explaining and being openly honest with people in writing. it's the easiest way for me to express myself. and i did it for my ex a few times. he'd wake me up, i'd watch him get ready for work, he'd kiss me, say goodbye and he'd leave for work around 4am every morning. it was our routine, and i loved it. i'd fall back to sleep, and depending on the day i'd wake up, go to work, or wake up, talk to his mom, play video games and wait for him to get home.
but a few times, i laid in bed and wrote him long notes about how much i cared, or how much i wanted this or that for us, what i wanted out of our relationship, and how i felt we could get there. i'd then make our bed, leave the note on his side, and leave for work.

the note that's stashed away in his night stand described me perfectly, before i let him and other things get the best of me.
something he hated about me, something he always called me out on, and wanted to change about me;
"life isn't a fairytale, love isn't a fairytale, when you stop thinking it is, we'll actually work"

he was wrong, on so many levels. he never understood a damn fucking word i meant. he understood me on so many levels, but he never understood me on that one.

let me explain even MORE-
i've had bad relationships, and i mean, terrible, even putting my most recent ex aside.
i've been hurt, i've cried, i once made the decision to date my bestttt friend [who was a guy] just to have him cheat on me 3 days into the relationship. i've dealt with guys who pushed my limits, and tried to get me to do things i didn't want to. i've been with a guy who i shared with my 2 good friends at the same time. i've dealt with guys who thought hitting me was the answer, and guys who thought lying was the only way.
but i've had guys who thought the sun shined out of my ass, that thought i was amazing, gorgeous, wonderful. guys who swore they loved me, and guys who would do absolutely anything for me.
i've also had amazing relationships where it was an equal balance of power, a great understanding of eachother, and relationships that seemed perfect.

i'm a sucker for that happy romance shit. i believe in it wholeheartedly and that's something my ex always tried to get me to let go of. that paper thats wrinked and written in my best handwriting simply states things such as

i believe in the innocence of love. i believe love IS patient, and kind, and the right kind can make the world better. i believe that people are good, the world is good, that positive energy and people can make a person's bad day better.

that note goes on to say things such as:

i believe in love. i believe in putting someone else before myself, i live for making other people happy, their happiness is my happiness. i live for being cute, and being passionate with the right people. i enjoy sex just like many other people, but i hold sex to a high standard and unfortunately not many people my age see it my way. i don't believe in sex with just one person, but i also don't believe sex should be spread around, should be open game with anyone. i respect myself, and wish guys to respect me as well. I'm not going to sleep with randoms just for 10 minutes of feeling great. i'll hate myself after. i'd rather spend countless 10 minutes with 1 person who makes me feel amazing about myself. i'd like to be settled and married and done before i hit double digits, if it doesn't happen, oh well, but i pride myself on only being with certain people. also, sex is not it for me. i enjoy it, its a wonderful thing, but that doesn't build what i want with a partner. what i live for, what i need is that playing around, is handholding, is being cute together. i absolutely love just cuddling and watching movies. and i love watching boyfriends play video games, or work on cars. i love taking a lot of stupid pictures, and i love things like random texts, random notes left places, i love forehead and tummy kisses, i love flowers, and when a guy stands behind me and wraps his arms around me. I believe in having fun together, believe in trusting eachother, loving eachother, being there for eachother. i'm the person that enjoys just listening to the other person's heartbeat. that is bliss for me. knowing that at that very moment, the other person is alive, is existing and i'm the person their choosing to spend their existence with.


i also went on to explain that i trust with no fear, i have no exterior walls to break down, i like and love and move forward without a care in the world. that there are no hurdles to jump over, or tests to pass just to get to know me. i'm an open book, i'm the person who will tell you the worst part about myself right off the bat, because i'd rather cut to the bullshit and either have the person run away right away, or know what they're getting themselves into.

and that's me. or atleast who i was. who i'd love to be again.
it breaks my heart, and honestly has me ready to cry knowing he told me that was all dumb. that that sort of stuff isn't real. it's fairy tale.
alright, so, i want something, i believe in something that doesn't seem achievable, something that seems movieonly, but i've had it, a few times, i know its out there. so for him to sit there and tell me i was trying to live a fairytale was utter bullshit.

he just couldn't give me that. he told me that numerous times. i don't think he tried hard enough, or wanted to. his loss, majorly.

let me continue about who i am.

i believe in moving forward. what one boy did wrong to me, i tried to never blame the next one for.
ryan's mistakes weren't bryan's issues.
just like ed's shouldn't be cameron's.

but i'm not sure how i went about forgetting the shit ryan put me through, and never taking it out on bryan.
ryan did some mean things, but i suppose it never compared to the things i dealt with the past year.
i'm big on lying. do not lie to me.

i'd rather hear the awful, hurtful truth from that person, so i can handle it, than hear a lie and find out later on.
----If i had a dollar for everytime i said, or screamed, this this past year, i'd be rich.
some people don't get the point.
"i was thinking of your feelings, i didn't want to hurt you, so i lied."
THIS IS BULLSHIT. no.no.no.no.no.
i won't even get started on that because i'm so over it.

i just want to move forward. i want things to be innocent and happy again. this new boy has done nothing wrong, to my knowledge, so far, and i'm loving it. do i doubt him? i'm wishing i wasn't. i'm hoping he proves the doubtful side of me wrong. i hope he shows me up, shows me there was no reason to ever doubt him, or this in the first place.

i'm loving the possibility of this.  even if things crash, burn, and its a horrific scene, i atleast know how i felt right now, in the beginning. and that will make it, in the end, worth it.


now my ex didn't HATE who i was, but he never agreed with how i felt about love, sex, and the world.
he's been hurt a lot before, and he doesn't trust anyone. he's negative fucking nancy, wet blanket willy, he's debby downer, whatever. sex is a game to him, if he can get it, he will. he says he respects the fact the other person is giving him their body, but i think he's just saying that to make himself feel better. he's definitely fucked a decent amount of people, including girls he didn't even know. and he talks so negatively. the way i explain it, is i feel he believes the world is a bad place, people are out to get one another, there's always a hidden motive. that no one is who they say they are, that you always need to watch your back, and only watch out for yourself.

that's nothing like who i am. i understand being hurt, and being afraid it's going to happen again, but i think it's a waste of time worrying about allll of the bad, because a person who worries and is scared the bad will happen is usually missing out on all the good, or pushing away the person who is trying to show them nothing but good.

he pushed me away hardcore after i wrote that note to him. he made it known that who i was was a sort of fantasy, that no one really thinks like that, that i'm naive and have my head up my ass pretty much.

i don't believe i'm naive, i like to think of myself as optimistic. i'm not going to be angry and pissed off all the time. As the great movie American History X says, Hate Is Baggage. it's a waste to be pissed off all the time. I could easily be guarded, and put my walls with trust issues, and other problems, and make people break them down, and push through them just to get to know me, but i feel i'd be missing out on a lot of wonderful people by doing that.

i'm not perfect at all, but i don't make myself out to be perfect. as i stated before, when i'm interested in someone, and it seems to be headed in a relationship direction, i make the worst things about me known.
1. i have severe anxiety. it controls my life pretty badly.
2. i self harm. i've been doing it for over 10 years now. i'll openly talk about it if you ask.
3. i've cheated on a lot of my boyfriends. i don't sleep around, but i've kissed my fair share of people. when i cheat, i leave. no questions asked. i don't try and talk the person into taking me back, or giving me another chance, i leave and thats it.

thats pretty much all my bad in simple terms. i'm damn near crazy at times, and i cant seem to help it. everything stems off of those 3 things. i can be a bitch just like anyone else, but i can also be the best damn girlfriend in the entire world.
sometimes those 3 things scare a person off, and that's fine, atleast no one wasted their time, sometimes people thing i'm exaggerating those 3 things, and then they get a rude awakening when they find out how serious i am.
and then there's those few who sit down, talk to me indepthly and try and understand each one of those 3 things. and say, alright, everyone has their demons, i might not get or completely understand yours, but i'm willing to face them with you as they come. when i act out or my anxiety gets the best of me, people need to learn to work with me, not fight me or go hard against me. its a personality flaw i have and controlling it doesnt seem possible. i cant explain how i get when i get like that. i hate it myself. there was plenty of times this past year during those horrendous fights, that 5 minutes after the fight, and he'd leave, i sat there bawling hating myself.
i did that for an hour once. thats one of the times i knew i needed a change.
when you find yourself sitting in the corner of your kitchen floor, screaming, crying, and legit yelling at yourself because of the way you're actng and the physical thing you've just done to yourself
you know you need change in your life.
i needed it badly. life roulette became way to common. i remember those nights i'd take and consume anything not really knowing if i'd wake up, while mike would text me throughout the night to see if i was still coherent.
when people work against me and my anxiety, when they feed it, it gets out of control. i always feel like im fighting myself, and i hate it.
sometimes you meet someone who doesnt fight it, but tries and works with you. thats wonderful.
and i've only ever had that once or twice, but those are the people who meant the most to me.

i'm hoping things are good from here on out with Cameron. it's hard getting to know someone when they're 17 hours away from you all the time. but it teaches patience, and not to take the moments we are together for granted.
2 things i live for.

it's late, and i'm tired. im feeling more hopeful now that i've written all this down.

even though they'll never see it;

edward, i am sorry for never showing you i'm everything i wrote on that paper. i'm sorry for lying and kissing dave all those times. i regret that everyday and i know alot of our issues were stemmed from me. im sorry i couldn't make it work with you. i'm sorry i gave up. but i'm also sorry you never once took the time to talk to me about those 3 things. i'm sorry you told me i was faking all those times i had an anxiety attack, and those times you smacked  my new bruises and said i needed to stop being an emo fag. i'm sorry you never stuck around and helped me face my issues. i'm sorry i always felt alone. i'm sorry you considered what i believe in as fake, and that everything i wanted was a fairytale. you always said you couldn't give me any of that, that its not who you are. i'm still wondering if thats true, or if you didn't care enough to try. you didn't deserve that person i wrote down and described in that letter, not once or a little bit. so i suppose i'm sorry i'm not sorry at all you never got the best of me.. i'm sorry we're nothing but "a lesson" now.


the.one.who.makes.my.heart.skip.beats, you're not him. atleast you don't seem it even a little bit. i have my short comings, and i'm hard to handle at times. work with me, not against me, and we'll never really have issues. i'll question things constantly, not because i dont believe it, because i need reassurance. i honestly don't feel like i deserve anyone's affection and it'll show. i can be one of the nicest and sweetest girls you'll ever meet. the kind of person you'll want in your life for a long time. but i can also be the nastiest, play-that-game-too sort of chick, but it takes a lot to get me there. i'm hoping we never get to that point, because you've got me happy, and i'd like to stay there. <3

not myself you see!

i'm sick.
it's probably from this past week where i stayed out til 4am everynight, wore nothing but jeans and long sleeve shirts on below 30 weather, smoked too many cigarettes and shared a few with friends.

i was pretty much ASKING to get sick.
so now i'm coughing too much, sneezing always and sleeping in bed not only with my usual 7 pillows, barney, laptop and cellphone, now i have 2 boxes of tissues.
a bed made for 2 people is easily taken over by just me. no room for anyone else.
so access denied to anyone who would want to join me.
unless your initials are crm, 22 years old and in the army, then you're allowed anyday, any time, always.
<3

but seriously, fuck this being sick shit. it makes it hard to breathe to the point where i take my tongue ring out because its easier, but then it hurts like a bitch to shove that damn barbell back in. if it was a normal 14g i wouldn't be bitching, but the fact i'm between a 4g and 2g, within a few hours of having it out its definitely some work to shove it back in.
whys my tongue on its way to being a 2gauge? because i get bored with my piercings. i have 22 of them, and i'd absolutely love more. last year i got a good 6? in a month. i just keep going back. but its not cheap to get pierced all the time, even though my piercer is an ex and a friend, who gives me discounts, it still adds up. so to keep my occupied from getting new ones, i started gauging my tongue with someones help. with my future plans of teaching i refuse to gauge my ears despite how much i like girls with them.
so my tongue is almost a 2 gauge. which means i can fit things like pens, and straws through it.
not as bad as eds though, hah, we got his tongue to a 00g, and our besttttt party trick was showing people that my pinky finger fit through his tongue hole. we were always good with party tricks, hah.

so yes, sickkkkk and currently with a swollen tongue. i'm going to feel like helll in the morning.
someone come make me tea, rub my back and kiss the side of my forehead while i lay down watching beauty and the beast.
i need my boy. he's too far away. someone fix this.

Rambles, nott shambles!

i'm not sure which direction this is going to go in yet. i usually can sit down and be like. LETS WRITE ABOUT THIS TODAY.
but i have so much i need written down.
i think i said this the other day. just been so busy with the past week being Thanksgiving break from school.
i spend my time with friends til late/early in the morning, and slept, and repeated.
it was extremely nice.
but what was even nicer was knowing i was leaving, coming back to my apartment.
MY apartment. not my moms house, his house, my dad's house, whatever.
i didn't have to deal with bullshit shenanigains or shambles.

my life is less shambley lately. and there's someone that should be thanked for that.
i will thankkkkk himm tremendously whenever i see him next, lemme tell ya.

but yes. things are going better.
people realized i'm not dealing with their bullshit this weekend, and i'm not just talking about my mother&stepfather.

i'm now the person that when you ask how things are going, or how life is,
how school is, how my relationship is, etc
i no longer sit there bitching or rolling my eyes.
things are rough with school, life is rough and there's so much distance in my relationship its scary

but i have stuff i light up about again.
not just drone on about and shit.

things happen when you least expect it.

this had to be said.

because i think about it constantly when it comes to someone.

i never saw it coming.

i never saw him coming.

isn't that a taylor swift song?

lets quote that shizz.

So you were never a saint
And I’ve loved in shades of wrong
And I never saw you coming
And I'll never be the same.

anyways. someone makes me happy, and it was completely COMPLETELY unexpected.

it started out as a joke, something i never really meant. and now i'm no longer bitching about someone who i can't MAKE THINGS work with.

ya know, i did this once before with a previous. i tried and tried. it got the best of me and put me with my demons, until one very special person said to me

"why try and make it work with someone, when there's someone out there things will just work with?"

 

i stood by that question for thee longest time. i've repeated it, used it as advice for others, and believed in it wholeheartedly.  but for the past year or so i've completely overlooked that, been strong headed and thought i could make something work that was long past due. there was too much bad.

i've been saying that there was too much bad since last November.

jezus christ. Last November what was i doing? Well last thanksgiving i spent mad at my ex because he refused to come to my grandmother's with me to visit my family. he "didn't feel like being around people" so i was spending yet again [because B never was around either] another Thanksgiving by myself.

guilt didn't work either, he was strong headed, if that boy didn't wanna do something, he didnt. NO MATTER WHAT.

the entire time at my cousin's i got questioned about why he wasn't around and this and that. i hate that shit, especially when there's not a legitimate reason. whatever. i quickkllyyy stopped being mad at him when my dad pulled the whole "i'm the best dad in the world" card.

ALRIGHT. FATHER OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO THE MANNNN who has never been there for me at all, ever. i've gone MONTHS without talking to my father, and then when he DOES call me he says "hey where's your brother, i wanna talk to him.." and thats it.

thank you dad, for making it extremely known to me that you didn't want a girl, you didn't want me. my sincerest apologies.

i ended up at my ex's. walked in, sat on our bed and bawled and got handed my bottle of Jaegermeister that went down way too fast, and wayyy too easy.  by this time it was after midnight, making it black friday.

and our dumb asses decided we wanted bacon. we alwayyyss craved bacon on the weirdest times. so i grabbed the second bottle of jaeger and headed out to his car. double fisted and bitched about my father the entire drive to walmart. when we walked into walmart, i felt like i was the saddest girl anyone had ever seen.

i looked bangin, not to brag, but i know i looked hot as shit. but i was trashed and in heels, in a busy walmart. i was so friggen paranoid. hah. i'll neverrrr forget how i felt haha!.

that's really all there is to that story. bought bacon, drank more, got home, crycuddled, and we passed out.

one of the better memories i have.

so that's what i was doing around this time last year.

also i was reminded tomorrow is hunting season or something.

andd bear season was recently, or is still going right now.

know what that means?

that means this time last year i was sitting in that same ex's kitchen, getting told "this will fuck you up, small hit.."

and let me tell you, NO ONE EVER TELLS ME how much to hit. i do what i want.

and what i wanted, and did, FUCKED MY LIFE.

he wanted to call our friend who was away in the army. so he called him because we were already starting to feel good. he should've neverrrr trusted me to listen! he came back, sat at the counter with me, put the phone in between us on speaker so i could say hi, and in middddd sentence, i remember we both stopped, and just went
"oh fuck."

i'd say it was a good trip we went on, but i remember yelling for him to carry me into his room because i thought i was dying. i was so cold, and so hot at the same time.

i remember tryinngggg to make myself throw up because i felt so sick, but sitting there pretty much choking myself, and thinking i was going to just choke and die in the bathroom.

i remember him using the heat vent on the floor to heat up the blanket because i COULD NOT AT ALLLLLLL stop shaking.

i also remember convincing him i was pregnant. that was one of the funniest conversations with him ever.

and when his mom knocked, i knew i wouldn't be able to be chill, so i told him to tell her i was dead.

WHAT A FUCKING NIGHT.

i don't realllyyy remember how we ended up at the diner, and what happened after that.

but just like the first time, the next day, everything was beautiful and amazing.

that was the first time i actually sat there and watched spongebob and didn't geek.

that sponge is the devil for anyone who doesn't know; i absolutely despise that spongey-bob. but that's anotherrrrr post. haha.

but yes.

that was another good time. 

so much has changed in a year. people i considered my best friends, my brothers, my boyfriend, are all different now. it's a little disheartening really. when i look at the small picture, i feel as if i've failed something.

but when i step back, and look at everything, it wasn't a fail, i didn't lose.

it simply wasn't my job to fix things. it wasn't something to 'win' or succeed at. i had been trying to do it all alone the entire time. i'm succeeding more now by finally realizing all that, and walking away.

a little good doesn't, and will never make up for a truckload of bad. i wish the blame was all on other people too, but i'll own up to my bad choices and failed promises as well. there's really no trueee excuse for why i kept making the same mistake,

but i honestly kept saying "why not"

i ask for the same respect i give to others, no matter who they are. i ask for the same understandings, feelings, etc. if you want me to stop talking to someone, to stop bitching, or whatever, i expect the other person to also do a few small things i ask for. apparently things aren't a two way street with someone people, and they think they can continue doing what they want, yet demand stuff from me.

mine might've been worse, but honestly, i didn't care. it was out of character for me completely,

but i was nothing since day one and barely wanted me around, why would i just sit there waiting.

i wouldn't, sorry. not who i am, so i found it in another place.

whatever.

ya know what.

i don't even know how i got on that topic, but its depressing me something fierce, and its 4am, i'm sick as a fucking dog and i don't need depressing shit in my head.

would you like me to ramble about the person who DOES make me smile just by simply looking at me?

well. he has a name, and a face, 2 hands, 2 feet, realllyyy tall, 2 blue eyes, and this smile that honnnestttlyyy makes my day.

he puts me in my place, but in a good way. things just, feel promising for once in a long time. things are easy.

i'm not use to easy anymore. i'm not use to going more than 3 days without a screaming match.

i'm not at ALL use to someone texting me goodmorning randomly.

but i'm also not as ALL use to the person who makes me happy living more than 5 hours away from me.

5 hours isn't TOO bad.

10 hours isn't awful.

14 hours seems a little rough.

this boy is about 18 hours away from me, and it kills me everyday. i'd love to wake up, roll over and BAM have that fineeeee boy be sleeping next to me.

or walk in after class and have him sitting on my couch playing video games.

or just playing around. i'd love all of it. i'd love to have a phone call that says "alright baby, i'll see you soon!"

but, i don't get that

but ya know what, that's okay because i haven't really gone a day without skyping him in FOREVER and my phone is constantly saying i have a new text,

and i know deep down that i will see him again eventually, and when i do, it will honestly be like he never left in the first place.

the ONLY thing i dread about those times he does come and visit, are those terrible goodbyes.

i've only had 1 so far. i knew i'd miss him, i knew i'd be lonely, but i never knew it was going to be so terrible.

who in the WORLD chooses this sort of life? the constant waiting, the constant wondering when you'll see them again, be near them, hug them, and talk to them face to face.

it takes some strong ass people to do this sort of thing, and i've never considered myself a strong person at all.

i'm patient. i'll wait for something and work towards it if its something thats really wanted, but strong i am not.

but i'm going to try to be. i'm going to have to, no option given. i made my decision and i knew what i meant.

i'm standing by that as much as i can. it's only been 2 weeks, but its something i haven't doubted for a second once. those times i'm feeling a little lonely, or i'm out with my friends and i realllyyyy wish he was with me, everything gets better the second he texts me or calls.

i've got this. i'm hoping for the best, because i really like this boy. it seems promising, i'm hoping i'm not wrong. lets see where things progress to, it'll be interesting, and i'm excited. i'm loving being happy. i'm loving knowing that there's no bad to fight through, there's no stress really, there's no baggage and bad mistakes really.

i'm really liking this boy.

it's time to end this on that note, i'm sick and i have class at 11.

i'm starting to look forward to every next day, i'm excited to see what it brings, but i know it brings me closer to being near boy again.

brown.eyed.girlllll.

It's Britney, Bitchh!

You try to feel me, but I'm so out of touch
I won't be falling-
You won't have to pick me up
I don't feel the way you do
I won't turn around

Think that I might have doubts but I don't
Think that you know me now but you don't
Think that I can't stand on my own
Won't you just let me be?

I used to be your girlfriend and I know I did it well
All you had to do was yell
And I'd be there for you

From time to time I'd try to tell just what was on my mind.
You'd tell me not today.
So try to forgive me
I've had enough
I'm not gonna stay

I'm sorry to say, i'm runnin' away now

   i won't return to thee.   

 

To think I'm so naive; how dare you play with me

I gave you heart and soul
why you screwing with my head?
I don't think you understand
I won't take your huh no more
don't knock on my door 

not this time because I recognize
I've heard it all before-

Think of all the times you made me sick
I used to think, I couldn't handle it
what were you thinkin when you lost my trust?
You had it all now you're left with nothing
 now I know you want my touch
and now you're lonely and you still want me

ayyeeeeeeediosssmioo.

gotmehomesafe.

Minions: Apply within..

there's so much i want to say.
its like, screaming its so bad.
about everything. from my mommabear, to my daddy, to my nieces, my step brother and the new guy thats got me goin.

i cannot contain myself honestly.
but its 4:13am where i am, and i haveeee to be up before 11am. ugh.

there's just so much i want to talk about.
and write, and get out there.
and just run around and tell everyone.



i should not be the only one feeling as good as i have been lately.
this.must.be.shared.

BUT HOW.
hah.
so tired. dont wanna get indepth.
but it all needs indepth.
surface scratching wouldnt do justice or be fair.

I'D LOVE TO WATCH ALICE IN WONDERLAND RIGHT NOW.

aliceinwonderland in kansas, snuggled.
this.is.needed.
WHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY.


because. i dont know, rambles.

anyways, i need minions to go insiddeeee my mind and write this stuff out for me. so i can stop collecting things that i neeeeddd to write down. stuff i want to write down.
why is it that when things are going good in my life, i write less. the shittier, the more i write.

keepsmesane!

im crashing.

i sound dumb with all the stupid lyrics ive been posting.
but im just glad things are in a better direction.
i'm happy.
head in the clouds, dont bring me down.


waitin for something awful to knock me on my ass.

REALITY CHECKKK!


!<3

you said it in a simple way
4 AM, the second day;
stumbled through the long goodbye
one last kiss, then catch your flight [drive away]

right when I was just about to

                                                 fall

And this is when the feeling sinks in
I don't wanna miss you like this;

I guess you're in Kansas today.
I don't wanna need you this way.

This is falling in love in the cruelest way,
This is falling for you & you are w.o.r.l.d.s  a.w.a.y.

Come back... Be here

he lights a cigarette, his eyes half open
he won't be home tonight, but she keeps hopin'
drinking himself to sleep is his only way of copein'
she waits for him every night-

she leaves the front door open

 

Engaged?! WHHHATTTT!

anyways. now that i've gotten everyyyone's attention,
i just wanted to state that i had the best weekend i've had in a very long time.

This is what i needed, this is what cleared my head, got me stronger, and where i'd like to be.

I acedddddd my paper i wrote the other night too by the way.

Just this past wednesday i really thought Karma and life, and everything else was out to get me, really show me how shitty things can be.
but just like i've alllwayss told anyone who ever needed advice,
when you're at your lowest, the only place to go from there is up.

and i'm up. Not as up and perfect as i'd like to be. but, i will not complain at this time about things.
I'm still taking in all the positive i've got right now.

oh. i'm not engaged either. just wanted to get the attention this post deserves. ha. >.< sorryi'mnotsorry.

it's 6am where i'm at. and i've been up since 3am. within the past few hours i've felt the saddest, not angry annoyed pissed off letdown or whatnot, just truely sad that i've been in a while as well. but, it was expected and i just misjudged exactly how upset i'd be,

but its alright, i got this. I'm a strong person, i know that, and i'll hold it down over here for as long as i have to.. <3

i wish i could explain exactly what my weekends been like..
i'm glad the weekend went so perfect, so well, because a lot of unnecessary stress and bullycrap is going to happen i'm sure. and i'm not just talking about bullshit as in stupid dumb stuff, i'm also talking about bullycrap, the whole bullying someone because of something and its just crap.

bullycrap i tell ya. but it's alright. this girl doesn't care anymore.

I'm needing sleep in the worst way. I've been reallyyyy sleep deprived this past weekend from all the adventures. and i got class at 11am today. letsssgo 4 more hours of sleep.


<33 yesssiirrrrr.

Not Myself You See..

you tried to lie and say that i was everything.

i remember when i said i'm nothing without you.

you always thought that i left myself open

but you didn't know that i was always broken.

pulling away is taking everything i have.

somehow i found a way to get lost in you.

let me inside, let me get close to you.

change your mind.

i'll get lost if you want me to.

Seems i've Lost my way.

this one goes out to the ones i've lost, i've put aside and never given a chance because i'm so strong willed, and never know when to give up.

names aren't importanrt, i know who those men are,
and i'll quote my wonderful friend John Paul whose continued to stand by me no matter how many times i let him down,

"Valerie, you're true. Truly a Certified Heartbreaker"

he's been calling me that for YEARS now. and i never understood it, i figured it was him just saying it because he's wanted a chance to date me since we were in 6th grade, but i friendzoned him always.

now, i understand it a lot more. by putting another person in that box, that friend zone, that "not right now" its him not you, spot.

i can't even begin to think of all the chances i've had to make the last year and a half of my life better and i always ignore it. Hell, it could've ended up badly with any of them, thats a risk anyone faces, but instead i chose my "safer" route. i knew he'd continue to hurt me, let me down and not even care, it's something i can call and see ahead of time, so i stay.

lets use a perfect word and its definition right now..

Definition for masochist:

someone who obtains pleasure from receiving punishment.

i suppose most people see being a masochist as someone who enjoys physical pain, punishment, hurt. But not many people think about someone being a emotional, psycological masochist.  and i don't enjoy it, so i suppose the word doesnt REALLY fit what i'm trying to get across, but i'm stuck here. in this unhealthy relationship, there's no physical abuse, i've never been hit by this one, or pushed around in an unhealthy manner. it's gotten damn close i feel though, when those times come with anyone for some reason i stand my ground and openly ask if they're going to hit me, and if they're going to, to go right ahead. i don't mean to push buttons, but i'd rather know what they're capable of, then to find out unexpectedly one day.

he swears he never could, and i've seen him have some incredible self control before. but i doubt any man atleast a little when they say they could never hit a woman. i've seen it, had it, it happens. everyones got their demons, and their breaking points when they're not themselves anymore and they see nothing but red. it happens, i've been there.

i'm getting off track a little. lets go back to the ones i've turned down, the ones that have turned me into the Certified Heartbreaker, because those men all deserve some sort of recognition.

I've burned my bridges with them, unfortunately. They're the good ones, the ones that finish last, the ones everyone oversees and doesn't pay attention to. Girls pick assholes. I'll be the first to openly admit it, i'll go on the record and fight all women on it. We like men that treat us like shit. No idea why.

Then again, we also like a man who can help us pick up our pieces and make us a better person. Ive had my share of both, I've picked the Nice guy before, and it was perfect. there's no better word to use.

I've also chose the asshole who, i also added to, but treated me like another number.

Men, if you're going to treat us like another number, you shouldn't expect more out of us when you start to "start feeeling more" for us. You treated me like just another girl, why would i want to treat you with more respect, like you're someone special to me? Exactly, I shouldn't.

Sometimes shit happens though, i've learned that too many times in the last year and a half. People make mistakes, i've made my fair share of them. But i'll be the first one to try and fix it.

I keep getting off my path.
this post is for them, not me.

This one simply goes out to all of them that I've ignored.
all of them that i went to when i needed help, but never took the advice.
the guys that offered me everything, including a way out, and i didn't take it-

this one is for the one i used to  fill a void.

this is for the one who still tries and doesn't know better.

this line is for the one that will always be standing by.

this ones for the one whose seen me cry the most.

i'll make this one for the one that was willing to go against everything.

i make this one definitely for the unexpected.

this ones for the one who still promises to pick up my pieces.

this is for the ones who think i deserve better.

the ones who think the sun shines out my ass.

making this for the guys who never say 'i told you so'

the ones that just want me to be happy

i wanted advice, i needed a friend. none of them could simply give me that without wanting more.
i've ruined some good things with people because they've given up on trying to help me out.
but at the same time, they completely understand, the admire how i am, and seem to only want the best for me.

If i believe in it, even if there's no logical reasoning behind it, i go for it.
One of those impossible things i believe before breakfast.

those people deserved recognition.
they've always stood by, came whenever i needed just to talk or guy advice, or to tell me what i was doing wrong.
they watched me continuously make the wrong decisions and still talked to me about how to fix it.
they continues to be there for me despite knowing, it wasn't ever going to be them.

John Paul, whether you ever see this or not,
i never understood what you meant when you'd call me that. Every relationship i was ever in, i honestly cared for the other person, and saw myself with them for a long time. I'm very optimistic about everything, i don't date people to play games, or to hurt them.
I've never been your Certified Heartbreaker until this past year, where the nice guys, or the devious guys, the guys who wanted to 'save me' or simply make me laugh, finished last.
there's always going to be that 'what-if' with anyone.
i've made my bed, and i'll lay in it, i don't really regret much, except maybe not trying harder.


I'm still fighting for what i believe in. And i'm still hurting people.
Somethings got to give.

there is this boy though, he's new, makes me smile ConstAntly. Most pEople Really dON't know.
somethings gotta give. 

i think its time to give.

Not Alice; Not even A little Bit.

and i thought i'd just wait there

so i heard you come up the stairs

and i pretended i was sleeping

and i was hopin you would creep in.

people need to back off. completely. just go away, leave me the fuck alone.
just because you need to be up someones ass constantly, doesn't mean it has to be mine.
when i'm in my apartment, chillin, and i tell you i'm busy, or i dont want to get up and let anyone in
its usually a hint to just leave me alone.
i've told you a million times i have a stupid paper i need to write thats due tuesday. this paper isn't long at all, but its tedious. i have to take a work from before 1860, and create 15 foot notes for it with 15 citations.
granted its only saturday, and i dont have classes on tuesday, and until Midnight to turn it in, but i'm STILL NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD TO BE BOTHERED.
if you can't tell that by the fact i close and lock my door everytime you leave, you're clearly dense.

like its clearly the weekend, and i've clearly spent every day with you pretty much for the past 2-3 weeks.
I NEED SPACE. back the FUCK UP. and just let me chill in my apartment, doing whatever i want.

if you know i have a migraine, and you KNOW i'm sleeping trying to get rid of it, STOP coming up here just to wake me up to say hi.
WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT.
when you have an issue, no one messes with you, we leave you alone, the second someone even asks something of you when you're not in the mood, YOU FLIP THE FUCK OUT.
but you have every right to use my spare key to come in, wake me up from sleeping 7 times within an hour to tell me hello, see what i was doing, and to tell me you ate a hotdog.

no fucks given.
at all.
this face, is the face of someone who doesn't give a fuck.
take your fucks, and fuck yourself with them
away from my apartment.

i'm angry today. at everything. so people.
go away.

Current Mood: Elevated

i'll let this title slide from being apart of my Alice In wonderland Theme
giving how i'm feeling, well, elevated. ^.^


i need to c.h.i.l.l out with everything thats been going on.
so i did.
and now i'm remembering everything good that happened during these moments of my life.
wine.boy.mac&cheese.cigarettes.love.naked.alfonzo.
'you're always doin somehting dumb in my driveway'

and let me tell you, i need that stuff so bad agian.

i really have nothing else to say.
i just needed to write sdown a list of things i could remeer at this time.
i always hated this linger feeling though, and how i can just feel my body slowly falling asleep.

atleast i'll fall asleep and get on a good sleep schedule.

i looked up my stats earlier, and people actually come across this page.
i wontder if they actually stick around and read any of it, or just end up here, and click off.

but what i'm really curious about is if anyone who knows me in real life reads this.
and wonders why i'm so fucked up.


making a quick list of something.. don't ask.

B.c.v.n.n.k.s.a.t.j.m.m.r.d.r.k.m.s.b.e.j.d.j.n.t.k.s.s.b.l.n.b.j.j.
dayymmmm.
lot o j's.

wE're all maD Here

"It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards"

it's getting harder and harder to find quotes that go with what the post is going to be about.
i'll have to slowly start incorporating Through the Looking Glass and other Carroll works.
<3

Anyways, on to why i've yet again came here-
moving on from someone who once meant everything.

i talk way too much about my relationships. but then again, they're always what means the most to me.

i came across my memory card for my old cell phone, i wanted to see what was on it, boyyyy it was hilarious the text messages i found.
a bunch from old friends of mine, who i don't talk to anymore.
a ton from a girl i once considered to be my other half.
2 that made me cry instantly when i saw them.
and then a couple i just HAD to save from a man that was everything i needed at the time.

out of all the texts on that memory card, i only talk to 1 of those "old friends" i referred to. i was surprised though that i didn't even find them bitter sweet. i don't really consider myself to have a ton of friends, i call them aquaintances. they're come or go, and i guess i'm better off that way, since i don't talk to any of them anymore.

the girl who i considered my other half, her texts made me smile and i even burst out laughing at some of those texts. now those were bittersweet. they definitely tugged on my heart and made me want to forget everything bad that has happened between her and i in the past year and a half. but i know better. I'm not one for holding grudges, but this girl has shown me that sometimes grudges do need to be kept. for as close as we were, which anyone would've been able to see in those conversations i re-read last night, she really screwed stuff up just because she couldn't have what she wanted, couldn't get her way. i'm still unsure of which person she wanted the most, but either way, any real friend would've never pulled those stunts. there's only 3 people in this world that i've ever wanted to royally punch in the face, and she's on that list.
i'll ramble about her a little later on. Off with her head! because she needs to stay out of my way, out of the path that i want, needs to just go away. so much anger, it's maddening.

i instantly saved the 2 that made me cry the second i saw the phone number.
He's been gone for 2 years now, and im not over it, but i'm not upset about it. how is that possible?
because i don't think about it. i believe he's still alive out there, living his life, thinking about me from time to time. I miss this man with every ounce of my soul, and if i could get him back, bring him back, i wouldn't hesitate it. I talk to him outloud every day, i blame him for all my misfortunes, because he always wanted me to face the hard things in life. He believed in me, he got me through the worst fall down the rabbit hill i've had to face in my 22 years, and if he were around today, i know he would've whooped my ass last winter with all the shit i was doing.
but he was so forgiving, he helped me face my dark passenger [lets reference dexter] and helped it go away for thee longest time. like i said though, i believe he's still out there, with me. and boy when i finally get to where ever he went, that boy is getting a royal ass beating for making me face all this hard shit in life by my self.
keep resting easy michael, i love you with all my heart, always. i miss you.

and last, but definitely not least, were the texts i had to save, which, will get lost and deleted with years to come.
when i say what we had was innocent, i truly mean that.
our love knew no boundaries, knew no brick walls, no real hurt, it was pure innocence and i wouldn't of changed a thing.

"Morning Gorgeous! 2 days and we wont have to text each other morning cuz we'll be next to each other :)"
"It's always slammin, under me, on me, next to me, or bent over in front of me ;)"
"I miss you baby"
and of course, my favorite;

"Your just everything to me. your nice, caring smart, funny, beautiful, fun, loving. i love talking to you and doing pretty much anything with you. your serious about us just as much as i am and i love knowing you feel the same way about me as i do about you. i love you"

now comeeee on. who wouldn't want to hear those things?
i do. it's an incredible feeling when someone can express their true feelings to another person.
it's raw, unguarded and true. and that is another thing i live for.

Now, we didn't work out, for reasons that were a long time coming, but after almost 4 years with that man, i'll never forget him. But after going through the texts last night, i realized there were things i had forgotten.
i forgot about the bad that we went through. i've been claiming that him and i never fought, we always got along and this and that.
but last night i remembered the time i walked away, and the only thing i heard was him punching the trailer, and him speeding off in his civic, and not caring if i ever talked to him again.
i remember the time i really thought he was cheating on me, and i sat him down like a little kid, and confronted, and demanded, and was the biggest bitch i've ever been.
i remember another fight we got into, i was furious, and he was furious, and we didn't talk for days.
i remembered the time i texted him and said this was his "get out of jail free" pass and to take it if he wanted out, no questions asked.
i won't say he was always in the wrong, but i wont say i was always either.
i took alot out on him and man he took alot out on me.

but there was something that always got us through, and it wasn't always love, or our feelings.
it was the fact we knew exactly how to handle eachother at any given moment.

i remember we went to florida for vacation one time, we drove in my little 94 toyota corolla, packed with lots of stuff. that 18 hour drive was hell when we were both awake. he was a total asshole, which i NEVER once in my life called him to his face. he hated the word and i respected that.
but how did i handle it? i took a nap. and slept. when i woke up, i told him i loved him and that was that.

we celebrated new years in florida during that time, it was just him and i in my moms house down there, we were having fun enjoying florida and disney/universal and the zoo. i'm a huge fan of watching the ball drop on new years, i haveee to see it, or i feel like i've missed something, like it cant be the next year until i see it.
dumb sounding, i know, but still. ugh. i love it.

we were tired from a day of disney, and i was laying on a chair in the living room, him being of age, had bought us beer, but we didn't really drink it. i told him that if i fall asleep, he needed to wake me up before they started counting down. we set phone alarms and everything.

when i finally woke up, it was to him sleeping in the other chair, and the tv already celebrating the new year.
me, being half asleep, bitchy and knowing i missed the ball dropped, threw the remote at him, woke him up, said some extremely foul things at him, and stormed off into the bedroom, where i proceeded to find the ball dropping online somewhere.
i didn't want him near me, i told him to not even try to sleep in the same bed as me that night.
you know what he did while i was being theeee biggest bitch in the world?
he said he was sorry, he said he didn't understand, but that he was extremely sorry. and he sat in the living room for a little bit. he texted me saying he loved me, and he wanted to sleep in bed with me that night.
when i finally let him go to sleep with me, i told him not to even come near me, or touch me.
he did it anyway. he knew that was the way to get me over it.

some would say that boy was whipped, or took shit he shouldn't have, or was a puppy dog and did whatever i said. thats now how him and i ever viewed it. we understood when we needed space, we understood that people will lash out, be angry and irrational over dumb things, and that it will pass.

the biggest thing he learned about me, was when i said i never wanted to see him, or talk, or this or that
he knew the way to calm me down, was to do it anyway.

its girl logic, that no one EVER thinks makes sense, and i suppose it doesn't, but if i'm mad at you, and you've screwed up, or done something to make me mad, then apologize, whether you believe you did wrong or not, sorrys are best, and then showing your sorry. love me even though i'm angry. kiss me even when i pull away, hug me when i say don't touch me.
this man was everything that i needed in my life back then,
we were best friends, we were inseperable, not because we were whipped or untrustworthy, but because we were a team. we consulted eachother before making a decision, and we confided in eachother for everything.

we'd spend time together and not talk, just because eachothers company was all we needed. he'd be studying, while i sat on the computer playing games.
i'd be typing a paper, while he sat there with guitar hero at a low volume.
he'd help me study with flashcards, and i proof read his papers.
i'd take the tires off, while he was mounting them,
i'd drain the oil while he was getting what i needed.
i'd go on any tow, no matter the distance, and talk to anyone we met.
i'd drive to his school just to say hi, and he'd use his lock out kit to leave flowers on my dashboard for me to find after my night class.
i once filled his bedroom with 300+ sticky notes for valentines day,
and he sat in the ER waiting room all night and morning when we first met to make sure i was okay.

we were a team. complimented eachother to a T, and everything was good.
but sometimes, people grow out of that, just get bored, need more fight, need someone to put them in their place when they're wrong.

let me tell you, i found it when i wasn't even looking.
but it wasn't what i wanted either. i'd like to combine the two, take a little from that man years ago, and mix it with a whole lot of this newer one. Rough edges are nice.
rough edges with understanding and team work would be perfect.

lets end this.

“I could tell you my adventures—beginning from this morning,”

said Alice a little timidly; “but it’s no use going back to yesterday,

because I was a different person then.”