Seems i've Lost my way.

this one goes out to the ones i've lost, i've put aside and never given a chance because i'm so strong willed, and never know when to give up.

names aren't importanrt, i know who those men are,
and i'll quote my wonderful friend John Paul whose continued to stand by me no matter how many times i let him down,

"Valerie, you're true. Truly a Certified Heartbreaker"

he's been calling me that for YEARS now. and i never understood it, i figured it was him just saying it because he's wanted a chance to date me since we were in 6th grade, but i friendzoned him always.

now, i understand it a lot more. by putting another person in that box, that friend zone, that "not right now" its him not you, spot.

i can't even begin to think of all the chances i've had to make the last year and a half of my life better and i always ignore it. Hell, it could've ended up badly with any of them, thats a risk anyone faces, but instead i chose my "safer" route. i knew he'd continue to hurt me, let me down and not even care, it's something i can call and see ahead of time, so i stay.

lets use a perfect word and its definition right now..

Definition for masochist:

someone who obtains pleasure from receiving punishment.

i suppose most people see being a masochist as someone who enjoys physical pain, punishment, hurt. But not many people think about someone being a emotional, psycological masochist.  and i don't enjoy it, so i suppose the word doesnt REALLY fit what i'm trying to get across, but i'm stuck here. in this unhealthy relationship, there's no physical abuse, i've never been hit by this one, or pushed around in an unhealthy manner. it's gotten damn close i feel though, when those times come with anyone for some reason i stand my ground and openly ask if they're going to hit me, and if they're going to, to go right ahead. i don't mean to push buttons, but i'd rather know what they're capable of, then to find out unexpectedly one day.

he swears he never could, and i've seen him have some incredible self control before. but i doubt any man atleast a little when they say they could never hit a woman. i've seen it, had it, it happens. everyones got their demons, and their breaking points when they're not themselves anymore and they see nothing but red. it happens, i've been there.

i'm getting off track a little. lets go back to the ones i've turned down, the ones that have turned me into the Certified Heartbreaker, because those men all deserve some sort of recognition.

I've burned my bridges with them, unfortunately. They're the good ones, the ones that finish last, the ones everyone oversees and doesn't pay attention to. Girls pick assholes. I'll be the first to openly admit it, i'll go on the record and fight all women on it. We like men that treat us like shit. No idea why.

Then again, we also like a man who can help us pick up our pieces and make us a better person. Ive had my share of both, I've picked the Nice guy before, and it was perfect. there's no better word to use.

I've also chose the asshole who, i also added to, but treated me like another number.

Men, if you're going to treat us like another number, you shouldn't expect more out of us when you start to "start feeeling more" for us. You treated me like just another girl, why would i want to treat you with more respect, like you're someone special to me? Exactly, I shouldn't.

Sometimes shit happens though, i've learned that too many times in the last year and a half. People make mistakes, i've made my fair share of them. But i'll be the first one to try and fix it.

I keep getting off my path.
this post is for them, not me.

This one simply goes out to all of them that I've ignored.
all of them that i went to when i needed help, but never took the advice.
the guys that offered me everything, including a way out, and i didn't take it-

this one is for the one i used to  fill a void.

this is for the one who still tries and doesn't know better.

this line is for the one that will always be standing by.

this ones for the one whose seen me cry the most.

i'll make this one for the one that was willing to go against everything.

i make this one definitely for the unexpected.

this ones for the one who still promises to pick up my pieces.

this is for the ones who think i deserve better.

the ones who think the sun shines out my ass.

making this for the guys who never say 'i told you so'

the ones that just want me to be happy

i wanted advice, i needed a friend. none of them could simply give me that without wanting more.
i've ruined some good things with people because they've given up on trying to help me out.
but at the same time, they completely understand, the admire how i am, and seem to only want the best for me.

If i believe in it, even if there's no logical reasoning behind it, i go for it.
One of those impossible things i believe before breakfast.

those people deserved recognition.
they've always stood by, came whenever i needed just to talk or guy advice, or to tell me what i was doing wrong.
they watched me continuously make the wrong decisions and still talked to me about how to fix it.
they continues to be there for me despite knowing, it wasn't ever going to be them.

John Paul, whether you ever see this or not,
i never understood what you meant when you'd call me that. Every relationship i was ever in, i honestly cared for the other person, and saw myself with them for a long time. I'm very optimistic about everything, i don't date people to play games, or to hurt them.
I've never been your Certified Heartbreaker until this past year, where the nice guys, or the devious guys, the guys who wanted to 'save me' or simply make me laugh, finished last.
there's always going to be that 'what-if' with anyone.
i've made my bed, and i'll lay in it, i don't really regret much, except maybe not trying harder.


I'm still fighting for what i believe in. And i'm still hurting people.
Somethings got to give.

there is this boy though, he's new, makes me smile ConstAntly. Most pEople Really dON't know.
somethings gotta give. 

i think its time to give.

Not Alice; Not even A little Bit.

and i thought i'd just wait there

so i heard you come up the stairs

and i pretended i was sleeping

and i was hopin you would creep in.

people need to back off. completely. just go away, leave me the fuck alone.
just because you need to be up someones ass constantly, doesn't mean it has to be mine.
when i'm in my apartment, chillin, and i tell you i'm busy, or i dont want to get up and let anyone in
its usually a hint to just leave me alone.
i've told you a million times i have a stupid paper i need to write thats due tuesday. this paper isn't long at all, but its tedious. i have to take a work from before 1860, and create 15 foot notes for it with 15 citations.
granted its only saturday, and i dont have classes on tuesday, and until Midnight to turn it in, but i'm STILL NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD TO BE BOTHERED.
if you can't tell that by the fact i close and lock my door everytime you leave, you're clearly dense.

like its clearly the weekend, and i've clearly spent every day with you pretty much for the past 2-3 weeks.
I NEED SPACE. back the FUCK UP. and just let me chill in my apartment, doing whatever i want.

if you know i have a migraine, and you KNOW i'm sleeping trying to get rid of it, STOP coming up here just to wake me up to say hi.
WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT.
when you have an issue, no one messes with you, we leave you alone, the second someone even asks something of you when you're not in the mood, YOU FLIP THE FUCK OUT.
but you have every right to use my spare key to come in, wake me up from sleeping 7 times within an hour to tell me hello, see what i was doing, and to tell me you ate a hotdog.

no fucks given.
at all.
this face, is the face of someone who doesn't give a fuck.
take your fucks, and fuck yourself with them
away from my apartment.

i'm angry today. at everything. so people.
go away.

Current Mood: Elevated

i'll let this title slide from being apart of my Alice In wonderland Theme
giving how i'm feeling, well, elevated. ^.^


i need to c.h.i.l.l out with everything thats been going on.
so i did.
and now i'm remembering everything good that happened during these moments of my life.
wine.boy.mac&cheese.cigarettes.love.naked.alfonzo.
'you're always doin somehting dumb in my driveway'

and let me tell you, i need that stuff so bad agian.

i really have nothing else to say.
i just needed to write sdown a list of things i could remeer at this time.
i always hated this linger feeling though, and how i can just feel my body slowly falling asleep.

atleast i'll fall asleep and get on a good sleep schedule.

i looked up my stats earlier, and people actually come across this page.
i wontder if they actually stick around and read any of it, or just end up here, and click off.

but what i'm really curious about is if anyone who knows me in real life reads this.
and wonders why i'm so fucked up.


making a quick list of something.. don't ask.

B.c.v.n.n.k.s.a.t.j.m.m.r.d.r.k.m.s.b.e.j.d.j.n.t.k.s.s.b.l.n.b.j.j.
dayymmmm.
lot o j's.

wE're all maD Here

"It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards"

it's getting harder and harder to find quotes that go with what the post is going to be about.
i'll have to slowly start incorporating Through the Looking Glass and other Carroll works.
<3

Anyways, on to why i've yet again came here-
moving on from someone who once meant everything.

i talk way too much about my relationships. but then again, they're always what means the most to me.

i came across my memory card for my old cell phone, i wanted to see what was on it, boyyyy it was hilarious the text messages i found.
a bunch from old friends of mine, who i don't talk to anymore.
a ton from a girl i once considered to be my other half.
2 that made me cry instantly when i saw them.
and then a couple i just HAD to save from a man that was everything i needed at the time.

out of all the texts on that memory card, i only talk to 1 of those "old friends" i referred to. i was surprised though that i didn't even find them bitter sweet. i don't really consider myself to have a ton of friends, i call them aquaintances. they're come or go, and i guess i'm better off that way, since i don't talk to any of them anymore.

the girl who i considered my other half, her texts made me smile and i even burst out laughing at some of those texts. now those were bittersweet. they definitely tugged on my heart and made me want to forget everything bad that has happened between her and i in the past year and a half. but i know better. I'm not one for holding grudges, but this girl has shown me that sometimes grudges do need to be kept. for as close as we were, which anyone would've been able to see in those conversations i re-read last night, she really screwed stuff up just because she couldn't have what she wanted, couldn't get her way. i'm still unsure of which person she wanted the most, but either way, any real friend would've never pulled those stunts. there's only 3 people in this world that i've ever wanted to royally punch in the face, and she's on that list.
i'll ramble about her a little later on. Off with her head! because she needs to stay out of my way, out of the path that i want, needs to just go away. so much anger, it's maddening.

i instantly saved the 2 that made me cry the second i saw the phone number.
He's been gone for 2 years now, and im not over it, but i'm not upset about it. how is that possible?
because i don't think about it. i believe he's still alive out there, living his life, thinking about me from time to time. I miss this man with every ounce of my soul, and if i could get him back, bring him back, i wouldn't hesitate it. I talk to him outloud every day, i blame him for all my misfortunes, because he always wanted me to face the hard things in life. He believed in me, he got me through the worst fall down the rabbit hill i've had to face in my 22 years, and if he were around today, i know he would've whooped my ass last winter with all the shit i was doing.
but he was so forgiving, he helped me face my dark passenger [lets reference dexter] and helped it go away for thee longest time. like i said though, i believe he's still out there, with me. and boy when i finally get to where ever he went, that boy is getting a royal ass beating for making me face all this hard shit in life by my self.
keep resting easy michael, i love you with all my heart, always. i miss you.

and last, but definitely not least, were the texts i had to save, which, will get lost and deleted with years to come.
when i say what we had was innocent, i truly mean that.
our love knew no boundaries, knew no brick walls, no real hurt, it was pure innocence and i wouldn't of changed a thing.

"Morning Gorgeous! 2 days and we wont have to text each other morning cuz we'll be next to each other :)"
"It's always slammin, under me, on me, next to me, or bent over in front of me ;)"
"I miss you baby"
and of course, my favorite;

"Your just everything to me. your nice, caring smart, funny, beautiful, fun, loving. i love talking to you and doing pretty much anything with you. your serious about us just as much as i am and i love knowing you feel the same way about me as i do about you. i love you"

now comeeee on. who wouldn't want to hear those things?
i do. it's an incredible feeling when someone can express their true feelings to another person.
it's raw, unguarded and true. and that is another thing i live for.

Now, we didn't work out, for reasons that were a long time coming, but after almost 4 years with that man, i'll never forget him. But after going through the texts last night, i realized there were things i had forgotten.
i forgot about the bad that we went through. i've been claiming that him and i never fought, we always got along and this and that.
but last night i remembered the time i walked away, and the only thing i heard was him punching the trailer, and him speeding off in his civic, and not caring if i ever talked to him again.
i remember the time i really thought he was cheating on me, and i sat him down like a little kid, and confronted, and demanded, and was the biggest bitch i've ever been.
i remember another fight we got into, i was furious, and he was furious, and we didn't talk for days.
i remembered the time i texted him and said this was his "get out of jail free" pass and to take it if he wanted out, no questions asked.
i won't say he was always in the wrong, but i wont say i was always either.
i took alot out on him and man he took alot out on me.

but there was something that always got us through, and it wasn't always love, or our feelings.
it was the fact we knew exactly how to handle eachother at any given moment.

i remember we went to florida for vacation one time, we drove in my little 94 toyota corolla, packed with lots of stuff. that 18 hour drive was hell when we were both awake. he was a total asshole, which i NEVER once in my life called him to his face. he hated the word and i respected that.
but how did i handle it? i took a nap. and slept. when i woke up, i told him i loved him and that was that.

we celebrated new years in florida during that time, it was just him and i in my moms house down there, we were having fun enjoying florida and disney/universal and the zoo. i'm a huge fan of watching the ball drop on new years, i haveee to see it, or i feel like i've missed something, like it cant be the next year until i see it.
dumb sounding, i know, but still. ugh. i love it.

we were tired from a day of disney, and i was laying on a chair in the living room, him being of age, had bought us beer, but we didn't really drink it. i told him that if i fall asleep, he needed to wake me up before they started counting down. we set phone alarms and everything.

when i finally woke up, it was to him sleeping in the other chair, and the tv already celebrating the new year.
me, being half asleep, bitchy and knowing i missed the ball dropped, threw the remote at him, woke him up, said some extremely foul things at him, and stormed off into the bedroom, where i proceeded to find the ball dropping online somewhere.
i didn't want him near me, i told him to not even try to sleep in the same bed as me that night.
you know what he did while i was being theeee biggest bitch in the world?
he said he was sorry, he said he didn't understand, but that he was extremely sorry. and he sat in the living room for a little bit. he texted me saying he loved me, and he wanted to sleep in bed with me that night.
when i finally let him go to sleep with me, i told him not to even come near me, or touch me.
he did it anyway. he knew that was the way to get me over it.

some would say that boy was whipped, or took shit he shouldn't have, or was a puppy dog and did whatever i said. thats now how him and i ever viewed it. we understood when we needed space, we understood that people will lash out, be angry and irrational over dumb things, and that it will pass.

the biggest thing he learned about me, was when i said i never wanted to see him, or talk, or this or that
he knew the way to calm me down, was to do it anyway.

its girl logic, that no one EVER thinks makes sense, and i suppose it doesn't, but if i'm mad at you, and you've screwed up, or done something to make me mad, then apologize, whether you believe you did wrong or not, sorrys are best, and then showing your sorry. love me even though i'm angry. kiss me even when i pull away, hug me when i say don't touch me.
this man was everything that i needed in my life back then,
we were best friends, we were inseperable, not because we were whipped or untrustworthy, but because we were a team. we consulted eachother before making a decision, and we confided in eachother for everything.

we'd spend time together and not talk, just because eachothers company was all we needed. he'd be studying, while i sat on the computer playing games.
i'd be typing a paper, while he sat there with guitar hero at a low volume.
he'd help me study with flashcards, and i proof read his papers.
i'd take the tires off, while he was mounting them,
i'd drain the oil while he was getting what i needed.
i'd go on any tow, no matter the distance, and talk to anyone we met.
i'd drive to his school just to say hi, and he'd use his lock out kit to leave flowers on my dashboard for me to find after my night class.
i once filled his bedroom with 300+ sticky notes for valentines day,
and he sat in the ER waiting room all night and morning when we first met to make sure i was okay.

we were a team. complimented eachother to a T, and everything was good.
but sometimes, people grow out of that, just get bored, need more fight, need someone to put them in their place when they're wrong.

let me tell you, i found it when i wasn't even looking.
but it wasn't what i wanted either. i'd like to combine the two, take a little from that man years ago, and mix it with a whole lot of this newer one. Rough edges are nice.
rough edges with understanding and team work would be perfect.

lets end this.

“I could tell you my adventures—beginning from this morning,”

said Alice a little timidly; “but it’s no use going back to yesterday,

because I was a different person then.” 

"at least I mean what I say--that's the same thing, you know."

does anyone else save texts on their phone?
i'm extremely guilty of this; somethings that are said just take me so offguard, in a good way, and really melt my heart that i need to save them.
and i re read them over and over. even months later, never losing how they made me feel the first time.

i got one of those save-worthy texts last night, real late, in the middle of bickering with the person.
i know he did it to shut me up, but my god it worked.
right in the middle of going back and forth about completely dumb shit, i get this:

"Know one time I loved? I loved when I was drawing on your leg and the reaction you had when you see it was the Cheshire Cat."

any sort of, tension, or slight annoyance i had, left completely at the sight of that text.
this boy doesn't ever tell me things like this. I go day-to-day wondering and guessing what he enjoyed or if he knows when he's made me truly happy.

and yes, the time he mentioned was an absolute favorite of mine too. i thought the world of him at that moment when i first saw what he had taken an hour to draw on my leg, and the rest of the day i felt no one in the world could ever compare to him.
i can't explain why exactly, there's that loss of words again, but i appreciate the small things, the things people put their time and effort into that involve something they know will be liked. if he would've sat there for an hour and drew an in-depth version of genatalia, or something i don't remotely like, i would've felt like he doesn't understand me, connection doesn't exist, and that he only had himself in his mind.
he could've drew zombies like he often does, or some skulls because he's talented at that, and i would've been accepting and even liked it.
but the fact he chose the Cheshire Cat, he was thinking about me, what i like, what i would appreciate.
I was a little kid on christmas morning- all because he drew a detailed Cheshire Cat on my leg in pen.

I'm unique i tell ya. Easy to please is some aspects. I love the simple, i love the considerate, the thoughtful, the action not the word. If you love someone, show it, don't sit there repeating words, or screaming it, get your ass up, figure something out, and put it in motion. Don't do it because you might get something out of it. no no no. Do it just because you want to see the other person happy, you want to know it effected the other person positively.
i live my life like this as much as i can. i believe in this more than anything in the world.
I just want to make people, especially my significant others, happy. Their Happiness, is my Happiness.
don't get me wrong though, I'd like, and somewhat expect the same in return. I treat people how they treat me for the most part. sometimes i'm too nice to people who really just deserve a nice curb stomp, but that's just who i am.
and that sounds messy.


it's almost 1:30, i really need to sleep for a little bit before my next class.
this isn't done yet. how i hate not finishing before i post. whatev,

I almost wish I hadn't gone down the rabbit-hole..and yet..

lemme tell ya. this rabbit hole is coming to an end quickly.
this alice has to choose which way to go. and asking the cheshire cat which way is best
is only going to get me even more lost.

i know what i want.
but it's so hard.
i have nothing in my favor at all.
i need a job. i need money. i need that new<3boy. i need my mom. i need my brother.
i need my dinah.
<3

i don't know what actually gets me out of bed in the morning, its that little bit of hope i have left.
i'd rather die trying, than in a piss/shit ridden bed.

i need to not be sober.
but i also need to be sober.

what's a girl to do, is equivalent to asking 'whys a raven like a writing desk?'

no one knows. maybe if Carroll would've given an answer, a girl would know what to do.

i'm lost. i cannot find my way. and my dinah has gone, and my mad hatter has left me for good.
i deserve what was coming to me though, just like alice deserved to be lost.
if she would've just listened and not been so damn curious.
curiousity killed the SEE-AYE-TEE ya know?
[what about tea? hah.]

i need some lovin in my life. i'd go and get it, but i don't know where to start.
probably at the beginning. but that's way past now.

i can't write much more. i'm way to down even to write.

lets end it on this...

“It'll be no use their putting their heads down and saying "Come up again, dear!"
I shall only look up and say "Who am I then? Tell me that first, and then,
if I like being that person, I'll come up.

if not, I'll stay down here till I'm somebody else"

but, oh dear!' cried Alice, with a sudden burst of tears,

'I do wish they WOULD put their heads down! I am so VERY tired
of being all alone here!”

Whats a Book if it doesn't have any pictures?

if this story had pictures to add to the ones i already have in my memory
i'd be batshit crazy.
i wouldn't be able to handle it.

I've got to write it down finally because it crosses my mind everyday, and no matter what i do, i can't get it to go away. I've got demons, and my demons are birthing demons. and Everything I've felt i ever stood for is locked in the box.

The same box i feel those men i mentioned earlier are in.

I made the decision last June to leave someone who honestly cared for me. Cared nonstop for almost 4 years. I have my reasons, and they make sense, whether they are completely rational or not, i never questioned because, whats done is done. There's no going back. Those nights i'm alone and wasted are the only times i think about it, and i don't like what i say. I live with the decision i made, and lets move on.

I met someone else and started hanging out with him right away all through the month of June. He had a girlfriend, and i didn't think anything of it, because we were just hanging out. New friends are always nice to have. We discussed how we weren't looking for anything really, and maybe its partially my fault for saying that. I'm always up for a relationship if i like the person enough, When i feel a certain way, i act on it. let me tell you, i tried and i failed this time.

We did what we did together, and it was the first time i went for strange. and it happened a few times, the only reason it happened at all was because he left his girlfriend, made it known to me that he left her, he seemed interested in me and everything. he'd spend time with me constantly, doing whatever and he told me i was the only one he was interested in. All in june, I have dates and everything memorized. I hate that. I started to like him and felt comfortable enough to do what we did.

The SECOND i knew it either had to end completely, or move on to the next level, i did what anyone would do, i made it known.

I told him; well, i texted it to him because i'm a shy person in the beginning.

I'll never forget that day at all. It was one of the best, and one of the worst and i'll never be able to fully come to terms with exactly how i feel.

Elephants Never Forget.

                     and neither do i.

It was June 28th. We drove a few hours away for a job interview he had at a place his best friend [at the time] worked. I remember being happy he had told me he really wanted me to take the ride and spend the day with him. I'll never forget how i felt on that ride down there, or the ride back. I remember how happy i was. How i felt i made the right decision, how this guy was really starting to grow on me, and he surely seemed like he was about me. From the things he said before that day, on that day, and the stupid small gestures he had towards me, i couldn't help but really start to like him.

I sat in the lobby with his friend that day, bored as hell, while he friend wouldn't leave me alone. He kept trying to get my attention, and make me laugh, if you knew the kind of person he was, you'd understand what i meant. He was just being his typical self. When we left, we went to hangout with his friend and his friends family. Boy was picking on me a little too much like usual, i see now that it was because he didn't hold me in the same spot i held him. It was always the "just a friend" comment, which, technically we were. This is when i started realizing i needed to do something.

Even during that day, his friend said and did stuff, that i ignored, didn't pick up on. Let go. Thought was just him trying to be funny. His friend, that's another story. I hate him. rot for all i care in some aspects.

 anyways. we finally left to come home, and i was so happy with the day i had had with him. I knew i liked him, and i really felt he liked me too. I was only a few hours then from finding out how terribly wrong i was.

      i wish someone could stop the story now. just stop it. let me recreate it, or just make me so oblivious, because it sits on my chest everyday, this feeling and i don't know why i can't let it go. i feel betrayed by someone i considered my other half, and this guy i was really liking. but, lets carry on, lets get it out there...

we pulled over on the way home, we were only minutes from my house, but i didn't want to go home yet. so we hungout on the side of the road and spent time together that i wholeheartedly now, wish never happened. it was raw, unguarded, meant completely everything to me at the time, but so little to the other person. lets skip over this quick because i'm already ready to cry.

when i got home, we hungout for a little. Watched some movie, that i've watched with another boy since then and realized i actually want to like the movie, but i feel i'll always hate it. I knew who he was texting, i had over seen a few of the texts, and i didn't think toooo much of it, but i knew i didn't want him to leave yet.

So i convinced him to stay, just a little while longer. I should've either just let him leave, or told him right then and there how i felt. Because everything was about to be ruined so fast, and no one saw it coming, and i was the last to know. like usual.

when he left, i knew where he was going, and i was okay with it. we were all friends, and i really felt he was being honest and open with me. I remember typing that text, and i even remember some of the lines in it.

Elephants Never Forget.

and i can't forget what i texted him.

i laid it all out. put the ball 100% in his court, made it known where i stood, why i stood there, what i wanted out of it all, and how i completely understood if this, if i, wasn't what he wanted.

I told him i was sorry for starting to feel the way i did, that i couldn't help it, i explained how he made me feel, how happy i had been lately, how special of a person i thought he was. I mentioned that i knew this isn't what was suppose to happen, and i asked him to either tell me where he saw this going, and if he agreed with me even a little. I left it completely open, i mentioned that unfortunately with how i'm feeling, things need to either progress, or simply end. That it wouldn't be fair to me or him to do something him and i saw differently.

It was a very long text. Not long enough to be a MSM text, but it was about 6-7 pages. I remember laying on my bed, which was where he left me when he left, and i texted that all to him. I was happy because i felt i had found something i wanted to continue, but i was also holding my breathe because i knew this might not go in my favor.

Unfortunately for me, the reply i got from my 7 page text, was just a "He says Okay".

i was very confused. i didn't understand. I knew she had his phone, because when i initially texted him "Hey" she responded saying he was inside buying cigarettes or whatever, but to keep texting and she'll let him know what i say. So i continued, because i loved this girl like my family. She had never done me wrong, and i had never done her wrong. We were essentially 'bitches' together, but i didn't know she was playing her own game.

So what confused me when i got that text that said "He says Okay" was the fact that, it didn't answer any of my questions. It didn't really put the ball anywhere, it didn't give me anything i was looking for. I guess it's my fault for assuming that that meant he understood where i was coming from, and such.

I'll always blame myself. It's easier.

I fell asleep that night, so confused. I didn't get out of bed from that text, i fell asleep no blanket or anything. But i was relieved i had told him where i stood, and it seemed like he might've wanted the same thing.

This is where we fast forward through the next couple weeks into July. He started doing things i really didn't agree with. and he started letting them interfere with 'us' time. Granted we weren't dating. lets skip past that, because that's got no bearing on this story.

This is also where this Elephant DOES actually get a little hazy, i knew everything, every day, every order, and i liked it that way. But now i've broken my cellphone, and i cant remember the order of things.

Lets just skip to the phone call I got on a Saturday night, around 2am, when i had work inthe morning at 10am. It was his friend, that one, calling me, drunk like usual, to talk. He was pulling the whole "i hate myself and want to die" lines that he had been pulling everytime he called me since early July. Rambled on about how i needed to chose him, how i deserved better, how my boy wasn't even close to what i needed, how i didn't know how shitty of a person he was, and i was so blind to everything. Somewhere in between there he pulled the whole "here's my address, i'm going to do something stupid, come stop me if you care" line.

I hated that line. I always wanted to fucking punch him in the face when he said it. but as a friend, i did the whole, try and talk him down sorta thing. whatever..continue on..

He told me boy had slept with girl recently, and was lying to me about it. that because he cared about me and thought i deserved better, he would tell me. i was already annoyed at his drunken phone call, and other things he was saying, that i didn't believe him at all. not an ounce of me believed him. i got in a fight with him, told him he needed to stop making things up, that hes causing problems. that he was drunk and please go to bed. he pulled some cocky remark out of his ass about how he was just trying to be nice, but he'll leave me alone.

I layed in bed being so mad at his friend for making up such a bullshit story. Boy had told me everything...

but one does start to wonder. when someone plants a seed like that, a person can't help but wonder what the real story is.

i didn't want to alarm boy, and make him think i was some crazy girl who didn't trust him, and being that Girl was a good friend of mine, i texted her.

I simply texted her "i have a random question for you. don't get mad, or take it the wrong way, i'm just curious about something, no matter what the answer is, i'm not mad at you."

Girl told me the truth...but didn't stop at a simple "the night he left your house to get me"

she told me things i shouldn't of ever known. details that should've been omitted. i didn't say, "tell me about it, in detail, indepth, how was it, for how long, or where."

but let me tell you, i could answer those fucking questions if i had to.

like she was rubbing my face in it. like she wanted to get under my skin. and she didn't stop there either.

she went on to tell me how he had lied to her too about being 'with' me that night. but how she knew...because of things she should've never described or went into. fucking cunt.

and how she didn't want me to be mad at her, how unfortunately it's who he is, and what he always does, how she was mad at him too for lying to her about it. She kept asking me to please not be mad at her, she didn't know, and she would never do anything like that to me.

eat.shit.and.die.bitch.

well what did i do next? i called Boy, and had a lovely 5 minute chat with him.

"Hey babe, whats up?"

-he was clearly high or whatever.

i went on to ask him what i didn't know. he said i knew everything.

"Whose the last Person you had Sex with besides me?"

"Nikki, you know that, we've talked about it."

"Are you sure?"   he told me he was sure. i called him a liar and hung up. i gave him 5 minutes to tell me.

he never once broke down, felt guilty, felt i deserved to know.

fuck.that.noise.

he called back of course. I answered. I told him i knew he was lying. he pulled the whole "i thought you meant last girlfriend, which was nikki" NO ASSHOLE. PERSON YOU HAD SEX WITH.

when i told him i knew, i hung up again. he called back, trying to sound all apologetic, with a few i'm sorrys, but what i'm sure he doesn't remember, is the fact HE GOT MAD AT ME.

said it was before we were dating, and i shouldn't care. can't be mad. whatever.

i had to go to work. i didn't sleep at all that night, i didn't know who i hated more, him, or the fucking cunt who tried to shove it in my face while telling me it wasn't her fault.

i really shouldn't of done what i did that sunday, but i needed it, i wanted different, but i couldn't find it anywhere, so i settled with what i could get.

I picked my friend up at his house after PT and we got our stuff, and went to our old spot down by the lake.

And i let every promise i made to numerous people go. No matter what, if i was on Cloud 9 or even slightly elevated, I remember the conversation me and my friend had at the lake. I hold on to those words today like i hold onto the necklace my grandfather gave me.

this friend always knew how to calm me down, from the first time we hung out in elementary, to the lucky number 7, and the breakup we had, he always knew how to handle me. That kind of friend that you felt would always be there, especially when times got rough. No matter what wrong he does to me today, or how many bullshit things he pulls on me, i love him. He's my brother. lets move on, he's another post. hah.

I don't remember how i even found it in me to talk to Boy again. I wanted to be the bigger person, to move forward, i thought i could slowly let go of that Girl and things she said, and just move forward with Boy.

I didn't realize she'd keep coming back. and i didn't realize his friend had other plans as well.

I can't say after that day, i didn't contribute to the mess we're in now.

but i will say, i have the biggest hate towards my friend, and his. Its like those two talked, devised a plan and set it in motion. If She said enough to him, and he said enough to me, Boy and I would just crumble, fall apart, let demons take hold. It happened.

After everything we've been through we shouldn't be standing. or kneeling, or even laying on the ground near eachother. But we are, for some unknown reason, i have nothing left in me, no hope, no trust, no will to move forward really, but i can't let it go.

i need to end this here. because i'm still lost. and repeating myself won't help me find my way.

i needed to get that story off my chest, even though its not in its entirety, there's details i hold for myself, and words and feelings i won't share. but its enough to maybe understand how i felt at the time.

i've got myself composed.

lets end it on this.