.could you love me?
could you love mine?
i absolutely hate that i write less and less the better things are in my life.
i have a bunch of composition notebooks that are filled from cover to cover in pure writing all from when i was younger, they're all so angst-y.
i was angry, i was messed up, i was on drugs, i was hurting myself, and i was making bad decisions.
but those things still stand true for some things.
i'm still messed up, i still choose drugs sometimes, and i'm still hurting myself.
the anger has subsided for now, and the bad decisions, well they gave me some wonderful stories to tell during drunken nights.
like the time CiCi and i got all dolled up and ready to go out, then acted like we were sleeping until the parentals were asleep and thought we were sleeping.
then we sat by the window and waited for the neon to park on the corner up the road and flash its headlights.
we responded by using the flashlight. next thing we knew, myyyy boy Ricky was using the 'code' whistle to get our attention. we snuck out and boyyy we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into.
i JUST turned 15, so i barely remember the order of happenings.
but i remember it was 3 nights of naps, drugs, alcohol, and boys. CiCi, how did we survive?
i'll never forget going to walmart with the neon packed with people. too many people that you and i sat on laps in the backseat. hah.
i'll also never forget when i heard the walkie talkie of the employee go off saying about "the white boy" and i knew instantly it was ricky. Passion, You and I quick headed outside, while Frank got the car, and the others went to look after ricky. I remember pulling up along side the road behind the walmart while ricky quick jumped in and we took off as fast as we could. i remember sitting on rickys lap in the car and asking why he was wet.
i laughed so hard when he said it was because the cops chased in through the creek behind walmart. haha.
i'll also never forget when we ended up at rickys. we were so damn young. they were so much older. things shouldn't of happened but they did. ayediosmio.
i remember when they finally went to drive us home, we had to get there soon because CiCi's mom was gunna wake up soon... someone the driver took a wrong turn and we ended up in NJ, paying the toll in all friggen pennies.
i remember the time we hid our one friend Nick in the closet while he rolled for us, because CiCi's dad woke up and came to check on us in the room.
after nick left, i remember smokingggggg up that room, and then we went to make brownies and drinks.
when we came back we realized CiCi's poor dog, KC was left in the room. that dog haddddd to be highhh on our level.
i remember the night Passion, CiCi, and I moved as many matresses into CiCi's bedroom as we could, we filled the whole floor with beds, and just rolled all over. and then we started drinking, and we got into a fight with Easy Cheese. we had that cheesy pastey shit EVERYWHERE. our hair, in the toilet, on the walls. EVERYWHERE.
i remember a lot of good stuff.
but i also remember a lot of stuff a 14-15yr old girl shouldn't of done or had to deal with.
i remember how angry ricky got towards me, i remember Biggie making me worried.
i remember being afraid i got mono, and thinking about how i'd have to tell everyone i kissed that week, and not knowing some of their names, let alone how to get ahold of them.
i remember laying in bed waiting to get a call. we werent sure if it was going to be from Passion, Viper or the cops first. i'll never forget the crying when Viper got locked, and I'll never forget being cold, scared, and wondering what we were going to do.
i remember finding twigs and rocks to mark where the car tires were in the drive way, so when we 'borrowed' CiCi's mom's car, we knew exactly where to put it.
those were the good times. the happy times. but at that same time i was a wreck on the inside.
i always have been for no reason. my anxiety, my ocd, my constant stress has ran my life since i was little.
despite all those good times, i was still locking myself in my bedroom hurting myself in anyway possible.
i drank, i smoked, i cut, i burned myself, i snorted things, i took things, and did whatever i could to not focus on how much i hated things.
in a strange way, i think drama club saved me.
but i know who really saved me.
I give my surviving those years to Ryan my ex, and my deceased friend Mike.
ryan and i started getting serious a few weeks after the whole winterbreak with CiCi thing, and he gave me one person to focus on. i feel like if it wasn't for him, i'd honestly of been pregnant with some random guy's baby. ryan also helped with my life a little bit. it was the first time i ever cared that much about someone. he'll always be that person i look to, i talk to, the one i know i was honestly crazy about. because things were innocent. vcards were lost and such, but not until after a year of being crazy about eachother. things were good in the beginning, but things got really bad towards the end.
see, he's bipolar, and i have ocd and anxiety. we were good for eachother because we understood our issues, but we also let eachother take our problems on one another. he let me do my ocd stuff, and he never talked my anxiety out with me, he let me do what i needed to, which wasn't good. and he took his mood swings out on me something fierce. which caused my shit to go out of wack, and towards the end of our relationship i was in an awful state of mind. and ryan was saying the nastiest things to me that i had ever heard [until i met ed], but ryan really had me feeling bad about myself. it was awful. it took a lot to get out of that relationship, i don't know how i did it.
mike, well, he was always there for me, no matter what i was doing. i have him to thank for my riddlen addiction, and for encouraging me to try and start taking new things, but i also have him to thank for getting my shit under control and for putting my ass in gear, and getting me to deal with my dark passenger and handle my demons. i love him more and more everyday despite him no longer being on this earth. there's honestly not a day that doesn't go by that i don't talk to him, or think about him. <3resteasybabyboy.
this is a pretty emo post, lemme tell ya. but it was bound to come out, i was bound to sit down and discuss things that sit in the back of my mind.
i was doing good for a few years, and then sometime within the past year, last August to be exact, i let things start again, but this time i feel i have a better handle on things. i remember sitting and asking my ex to keep my ass in line, that i'm known to get out of hand, i take things too far and i get myself in bad places. he promised to make sure i wouldn't go back to how i was. i'm happy to know i can control my shit on my own these days, because it ended up turning out that it was me trying to keep his ass in line. he changed so much, and i hope one day he realizes things, and gets things better for himself. I can't say i blame him for getting a little out of control with those things, i did the same thing when i was 14 and i did them for the first time, he didn't do anything of those sorts until this past year, and he acted just like i did when i was 14. by the age of 22 though, i think i'm past the losing control of my stuff, and going off the deep end. there's a time and place for those things, and there's a bigger picture now, its time to get my affairs in order and take care of my responsibilites before i go and snort or light up.
drugs don't run my life. and i'm proud to say that. i don't fiend much, and i dont go crazy when someone around me is doing them and i can't. its whatever. i've grown up.
my self harm is not who i am either. it's a choice i make, and it doesn't hurt anyone but myself. i don't let that negative part of my life define who i am. if you met me, you'd have no idea, trust me, there's still some people who have no idea, and they've known me for a long time. i don't want to die, and i don't want attention, it calms me down, puts my anxiety away, and gives me something to focus on. it's something i can control, and i've heard countless times about how dumb, stupid, teenager, and emo it is. i've also heard how awful it is, how i should stop, how this and that, but i've only met 1 person who honestly got me to stop for a little bit. it wasn't because that person asked me to, or demanded it from me, it's because that person understood my issues and helped me deal with and handle them in other ways, that person is amazing. i'm glad i met them and had the honor of having them in my life at one point.
i've been doing it since i was 7, it being 15 years since the first time, it's just normal for me now, and i'm still alive, and as i stated before, it doesnt hurt anyone else, i really see no wrong in it. but everyone has their own opinion.
i don't shove it in people's faces and say HEY LOOK AT WHAT I DO TO MYSELF.
its a personal choice, and something i do to myself.
there's someone i've been missin,
i think that they could be, the better half of me.
they're in the wrong place,
so i'll say
"come home, come home, because i've been waiting for you for so long"
baby i'm just dreamin' out loud;
come home.
i'm not sure what else there is to really write about right now.
i've put down a lot of things in one post.
see how much i write when i talk about bad things?
but when things are going fantastic i don't have much to write.
twisted?
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