i feel other people should as well.
dont like something
fucking do something about it.
stop complaining about it; that is unless its out of your control entirely.
sometimes there are things we just need to learn to deal and cope with.
but if you feel you're complaining and unhappy for the majority of your relationship with a significant other,
please do everyone and yourself a favor,
honestly, just leave.
working on things can be done, but there's only so much you can do for yourself and your relationship.
it being christmas eve and all, im left thinking about the past year, and years before it.
this past year, as i've stated numerous times, was not the best.
the years before that were pretty good, with some rough patches.
but this year really knocked me down, and continued to kick me even when i said stop.
some people just don't listen.
but i was asking for it as well this past year. i'm to blame for a lot of what happened, and i'm over it.
i can't take back what i've done, and i wouldn't. i wish i would've met a few people under different circumstances, so we could continue to be friends, and so i didn't feel like i had to be cautious about certain people showing up places.
but whats done is done, and even though i still feel like i'm sitting on the ground, on a very dirty sidewalk
no ones kicking anymore, and i'm not asking for it to be 'harder' either.
i'm not one for regrets at all, and who knows, in a week i could feel completely different,
but my sister got me thinking about something recently.
she recently broke up with her boyfriend, and they're 15/17 yrs old, and they have had states seperating them for a long time. which, doesnt mean anything, Cam and I have states seperateing us, and i dont want people judging us,
but what always bothered me about my sister's relationship is that she was 14/15 planning her whole life out to be with this one boy, who was a good 4-5 states away. i knew that meant she'd go to homecoming dances alone, proms alone, and always feel lonely when she went to parties, or other get togethers. i know that feeling all too well from a past relationship. and thats not how i wanted my sister to spend her highschool years. a lot of people hated highschool and never would go back. i loved my highschool years, i was friends with everyone, everyone liked me, i did amazing in school, and my boyfriend at the time was just, genuinely incredible. i knew how perfect homecomings could be with a boyfriend, and i knew how amazinggg my prom was because of him as well. When prom came around, i wasn't sure if he was going to be able to go, because of his age and the school's rules about older, graduated guests. and those few days while i was waiting to get approval from the school, i felt like i was holding my breath. prom would have been nothing if i would've went by myself, or with a guy/girl friend, i would've felt like something was missing.
i didn't want my sister's highschool years to be like that.
and now they won't be. and she's devestated that they broke up. and he's with his ex already, and so on and such. all that highschool stuff.
so i sat down to talk with her about how i dealt with my first major break up.
ryan! that boy, haha. i ran into him just 2 days ago, sat and talked with him for a little bit. i've never stopped talking to that boy, and i hope i never do. him and I, we've got our demons, and mannn do we clash. but he was my world when i was 15. him and i, we were going to get married, definitely. haha. or so we talked about when we were 15, just like my sister and her ex.
leaving him was hard, because i so badly wanted that relationship to fix itself and work out. but i felt like i was the only one trying, putting forth effort. i got ignored time and time again, and yelled and screamed at.
he once flipped out so bad on me, he up and smashed his guitar against a brick wall in public while yelling at me.
it was terrible.
i stayed with him longer than i should have, honestly. the things that boy said to me, when i was just 16 years old, were some really hurtful things, that still cross my mind once in a while. he had me believing i was the worst person in the entire world, and i was better off dead. thank you ryan, for being a wonderful boyfriend in the beginning, but turning out to be so veryyy bad for me in the end.
how did i move on from my first major boyfriend? i broke up with him, and the next day my mom took me to the beach for a few days. i wasn't allowed to text or call ryan at all. but i had bryan in my life at that point.
he was what helped me leave ryan, to be completely honest.
he was a person i befriended, and friend zoned, and would just listen to me talk.
he gave me completely unbiased answers, and just helped me talk things out, until i came to a conclusion on my own.
bryan? i dated that boy for 3 months shy of 4 years. those 4 years were the best. i was the healthiest, i was the happiest, i was the most driven, on track person i've ever been. i didn't drink, i didn't smoke, i didn't party, i got straight A's, everything was perfect.
but i felt like i was 40 years old, when i was only 20.
we were going to get married. that's how serious i was about Bryan. Maroon was the color, and Sept. 28th, 2013 was the date. and we weren't even engaged yet, but it was coming. and i think that's why i ran,
fast,
in the other direction
non stop
did i mention fast?
i broke up with him in June 2011, and i knew, for a fact, by December 2011, we were going to of been engaged. "by the end of the year babe, but i'm not telling you when"
i'm sure it was going to be in November though, he was awful at hiding things when he was excited.
but whatever, where am i going? i don't know.
i loved him, honestly. but i wasn't even 21 yet, and i wanted to party, i wanted to be wild, and have fun like i did when i was 14.
that wasn't bryan's scene. and i got a phone call from a friend saying to go to Joey's house because him and his girlfriend just split, and he was upset.
i've told myself so many times this past year, i wish i wouldn't of went. i should've fought my friend, and just stayed asleep in bed.
the fact that that i remember everything, down to the exact bedsheets i had on my bed when i got that call,
i should've known things were going to change.
i met ed. and from there, i stopped caring about anything and everything. he had me crying within the first week of officially dating him.
i suppose friends with bens, should stay friends with bens sometimes.
i should've known from me crying within the first week,
and the fact that i kissed his friend, on his birthday, in a bar, while he was blackout drunk passed out in his friend's car, that it wasn't the relationship i was looking for.
did i mention he asked me out the day after his birthday, and i said yes?
i never said i was perfect, or that i didn't do terrible things.
and i'm no longer going to sit here and say "well he did this, so i did this back"
because that's dumb. things shouldn't work that way. we should've never made it past August, let along got back together in October.
i didn't fess up about kissing his best friend until October, want the exact date?
the 17th, when his friend left for Basic training.
by october, his friend and i had kissed a bunch of times since my ex's birthday. bad situations, bad feelings, and a lot of...conning was done.
i won't say i didn't willingly kiss his friend, but i will say, that friend can be no good. he did a lot of conning and setting things up, to get me right where he wanted me. between drunken 2am phone calls from him, suicide attempts on his end, and showing up when i least expected him,
he made it hard for me not to notice him, and i was just someone who wanted attention, since my boyfriend at the time wanted nothing more but to up and leave me alone at every party, friends house, get together, or bar we went to.
i remember the time ed took me to joe's house, and him and the boys started smoking, which was something i had asked him not to do in front of me.
the only person i ever felt cared about me, was his best friend.
dave and i killed a case by ourselves that night, and i was sick.
i, somehow?, walked down off the porch, and sat in the grass, and threw up.
...i never said i was classy either.
and when i was done being sick, i sat there, and yelled for ed. and got no response.
did that a few times within the next 10 minutes, until his friend finally told me he left, to bring danielle? home
to this day, i don't want to know if anything happened or not, im still bothered by the fact he knowingly left his girlfriend in the yard, plastered, sick, and calling for him, to give another girl a ride home, without even TELLING his girlfriend he'd "be right back"
that was one of the many nights dave saved me.
where was i going with this?
ah. that's right.
so ya, this past year, was packedddd with lots of wild, and lots of fun, and wild parties, trippy drugs, hard booze, heavy rock n roll, and unmentionable sex.
and now i'd like to just, move on from it.
slightly?
i want an inbetween. i'd like to feel responsible, but have fun at the same time. i don't care if i have to be single to achieve that, but that's what i'm striving for for the next year.
i've been in shambles for over a year now, and i don't like it.
i mentioned regret somewhere up there didn't i?
i regret the things i shared with my most recent ex.
i've heard a few people wish they would've given their vcard to someone else, or not dated this person, or done that in their life,
but i try not to regret many things in my life.
ryan? he can keep that vcard i gave him, he got me through my rough teenage years, and im glad i shared it with him, even if things got rocky.
bryan? i wouldn't change much, at all. no regrets here. he showed me amazing guys exist.
ed? there really were good times, but they weren't major, or long lasting. the longest we ever went without fighting was honestly a week. i kept track. with him, i appreciate the "losing control" i had with him, it was fun to not give a damn for a little bit. but i regret sharing things with him, information, stories, things about me. he shouldn't know any of it. he knows things i couldn't bring to tell or even consider sharing with anyone else. then again, i'm the only one that knows a few of his things too. i just wish i would've kept a few of my personal secrets, well, a secret. people don't need to know everything about you,
everyone has things they chose never to tell anyone.
he doesn't know all, but he knows most, i regret that.
maybe there was a reason for it.
there's a lesson here, but i'm not even worried about figuring it out.
i've got new, better, happier things to focus on these days.
not sure how i got writing any of this.
my sister!
thanks sissy, because what i really wanted to do at 230 am is write a long post. haha.
i picked my own happiness for once,
and everyday, from the first text i get from Cam,
to the ones where he's telling me to get sleep,
i'm reminded why i needed to finally put myself first.
it's christmas eve!
in less than 24 hours, i'll be watching A nightmare before Christmas, as it's a personal tradition,
and maybe i can get boy to skype with me.
someone bring him to me for christmas?
it's really all i want.
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