im really sick and tired of being sick.
not cold sick, flu sick or vomiting sick,
actual health problems sick.
i've had hypoglycemia all my life, which isn't medication controlled, i just make sure i consume enough complex sugars to keep me going. but when my anxiety acts up, when im nervous, scared, or pushing myself, my body eats away at whatever sugar level i have, and i crash. i end up pale faced, throwing up, and passing out. its not a very good scene when this happens.
i've had anemia for awhile too, this is just sort of a side effect to my hypoglycemia. my iron deficiency isn't THAT big of an issue, but it really gets out of whack during my period. i sleep constantly.
i've dealt with broncitis about a million times in my life, and even suffered through Toxic Shock Syndrome, which was one of the worst sicknesses i've ever had.
at 13 i started throwing up in the morning whenever i had to wake up early; which was alot because i was in school. even on weekends, or holidays, if i was up before 10:30am, i was bathroom bound until i threw up. never food, just stomach bile. no matter what i did. and food? i could even watch anyone else eat food, without feeling sick. there were mornings i'd try and not throw up, but then i was sick for the rest of the day. it became routine, wake up, force myself to throw up, and then go about my day. i always felt better when i threw up.
i did this whole, throw up in the morning routine for 6 years. finally things seemed to subside during my freshman year of college. even now though, if i wake up real early, i'm sick to my stomach and have the need to throw up. i've found ways around trying to control it though, but honestly, there's still times i force myself to throw up just to feel better.
morning sickness with no baby, for 6 years. its been awful.
there's christmas and easter videos where my stepdad thought it was funny to record my morning throw up routine. haha.
by 14 i was having abdominal pain, and finally went to the doctor to find out i had an ovarian cyst the size of a lemon. THING WAS HUGE. and extremely painful. was put on birth control instantly to try and get rid of the cysts that weren't disappearing. i lucked out, and they went away without surgery.
the birth control became an issue though. my body was still changing hormonally at 13, so to add the pill on top of it caused issues. ontop of throwing up in the morning, i was now throwing up throughout the day. then finally when my body adjusted to it, and i stopped feeling sick from the pill, it'd give my headaches.
the last time i took birthcontrol was about 2-3 years ago, when i was 19. from 14-19, i had been on 3 or 4 different brands of pills. one that made me sick, one that gave me headaches, one that didn't work, and the last one i just stopped taking because im fed up with extra hormones.
that's right, a birth control didn't work like it was suppose to. i was on YAZ for awhile, and no headaches, no sickness, it seemed perfect! until a late night, hot and heavy session with my boyfriend at the time, led to me sitting on his bathroom floor, throwing up crying. my body was in severe pain and i couldnt even stand up or move. he carried me home, and i went to the ER to find out i had an ovarian cyst burst, and it had been so large that the fluid from inside it was all the way up in my chest/rib area. that led to me being on tons of antibiotics and pain meds. that was some awful pain as well.
that also just meant i needed to find ANOTHER birth control that would prevent my cysts.
i gave up when i was about 19. i was on a pill that made me sick, but was bearable, and seemed to work, but after 5 years, i was sick of taking my pill, and dealing with missed pills, and this and that. its just too much work. the patch sucks, nuva ring is dumb, and the shots are complicated. i gave up on birth control. and took a chance at getting ovarian cysts again.
i haven't had any ovarian cysts since then, by i had one in my tata shortly after that. it scared the SHIT out of me when i found it. my ex asked me if that was normal...i felt it, and ran home crying. i was terrified, worried and thought i was going to be bald and die. i went through surgery, and had to take time off of work to heal and such. that was painful too. but luckily, it wasn't cancerous and i haven't any issues since.
but i'm checking constantly.
breast cancer runs in my family wayyy too much, and at early ages, so its something thats always in the back of my mind.
what other health issues am i missing?
my migraines.
LORD IF YOU EXIST, PLEASE MAKE THEM GO AWAY FOR GOOD.
i wish i could say i just had headaches like a normal person, but i don't.
there's rarely a day, or time that i don't have a headache, but it's become so common, i just live with them.
but my migraines? i cry. and sit in the dark. and cry. and try to sleep.
i have medication for them when they get bad, but it doesn't always help, and i cant drive when i take them, so if i'm out and i get one, im screwed.
they're so bad, i throw up, lose my vision and just can't do anything.
when i have them i honestly feel that slamming my head against the wall would feel better, but i've yet to actually try it.
it's unbelievable how bad my headaches can get. it makes me thankful that i only have small headaches constantly, if they were always migraines, i'd honestly kill myself.
i've also had random bladder infections, urinary tract infections, dealt with an unwanted infection i got from an ex, and other various sicknesses, but now i'm feeling like i got kicked in my fucking back.
the other night i was laying watching netflix, and my back was killing me, but i thought it was from moving a pallet of dog food at work; shit ain't light after awhile. so i put a heating pad on it, and took ibuprofen and hoped it would just subside.
nothing, the heat did nothing for it.
i tried to sleep, and hope it would go away, all i did was lightly sleep, and dream about being in pain. i woke up, tried to stretch, thinking it was the bed i was sleeping on, and i was in pain. not normal muscle pain either.
finally fell asleep, just to wake up a few hours later.
at this point i was so nauseous i had to get up and go to the bathroom. well, it being 5am, my sister was in the bathroom closest to me getting ready for school. when i went to walk downstairs, i realized my pain wasn't any better, but about 10x worse.
i had to be thee saddest scene, i was sitting on my bathroom floor, trying to throw up, while crying because of the pain i was in. i just wanted it to freakin stop. and there was nothing i could do.
i've become accustomed to carrying my phone with my EVERYWHERE from back when Cam went into the field, i didn;t wanna ever miss his calls, so i had it in the bathroom with me, so i called my sister [who was right above me in the upstairs bathroom] and had her wake my step dad up.
after various phone calls to my mom, who is a night RN at a well-known hospital, my step dad drove me to the ER.
after IV's, CAT scans, and various pain meds, they found NOTHING FUCKING WRONG WITH ME.
no kidney stones, not pregnant, nothing abnormal in my urine or blood. so they gave me oxycodone, my antibiotic, and another med to keep both of those pills from making me sick.
i'm a few days in, and im not feeling any better. the pain is bearable, i'm able to move about and work,
but it's getting to the point where i'm wanting to start crying again. something is wrong, and i cant stand it.
they said if the pain doesn't go away, they want me back, to do more CAT scans to see if my kidneys are working correctly, or if there's blood clotting or failure somewhere.
i always think the worst of everything too, so i swear i'm looking at my left kidney going through some sort of failure. hah.
i just wanna be able to eat, without feeling sick. i want to be able to sleep, and walk, and work without feeling like someone had me on the ground and kicked me in the back.
i'm also developing pains where my ovarian cyst pain normally is. i can't handle all this body pain. haha.
remember in the movie Old Yeller, where the dog had rabies or something, and the dad went out and shot him to put him out of his misery?
Someone needs to put me out of my misery. haha. My body needs to stop attacking itself, its really becoming a pain in the ass.
<3 i'm tired from Christmas Festivities, i'm gunna go crash.
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