im really sick and tired of being sick.
not cold sick, flu sick or vomiting sick,
actual health problems sick.
i've had hypoglycemia all my life, which isn't medication controlled, i just make sure i consume enough complex sugars to keep me going. but when my anxiety acts up, when im nervous, scared, or pushing myself, my body eats away at whatever sugar level i have, and i crash. i end up pale faced, throwing up, and passing out. its not a very good scene when this happens.
i've had anemia for awhile too, this is just sort of a side effect to my hypoglycemia. my iron deficiency isn't THAT big of an issue, but it really gets out of whack during my period. i sleep constantly.
i've dealt with broncitis about a million times in my life, and even suffered through Toxic Shock Syndrome, which was one of the worst sicknesses i've ever had.
at 13 i started throwing up in the morning whenever i had to wake up early; which was alot because i was in school. even on weekends, or holidays, if i was up before 10:30am, i was bathroom bound until i threw up. never food, just stomach bile. no matter what i did. and food? i could even watch anyone else eat food, without feeling sick. there were mornings i'd try and not throw up, but then i was sick for the rest of the day. it became routine, wake up, force myself to throw up, and then go about my day. i always felt better when i threw up.
i did this whole, throw up in the morning routine for 6 years. finally things seemed to subside during my freshman year of college. even now though, if i wake up real early, i'm sick to my stomach and have the need to throw up. i've found ways around trying to control it though, but honestly, there's still times i force myself to throw up just to feel better.
morning sickness with no baby, for 6 years. its been awful.
there's christmas and easter videos where my stepdad thought it was funny to record my morning throw up routine. haha.
by 14 i was having abdominal pain, and finally went to the doctor to find out i had an ovarian cyst the size of a lemon. THING WAS HUGE. and extremely painful. was put on birth control instantly to try and get rid of the cysts that weren't disappearing. i lucked out, and they went away without surgery.
the birth control became an issue though. my body was still changing hormonally at 13, so to add the pill on top of it caused issues. ontop of throwing up in the morning, i was now throwing up throughout the day. then finally when my body adjusted to it, and i stopped feeling sick from the pill, it'd give my headaches.
the last time i took birthcontrol was about 2-3 years ago, when i was 19. from 14-19, i had been on 3 or 4 different brands of pills. one that made me sick, one that gave me headaches, one that didn't work, and the last one i just stopped taking because im fed up with extra hormones.
that's right, a birth control didn't work like it was suppose to. i was on YAZ for awhile, and no headaches, no sickness, it seemed perfect! until a late night, hot and heavy session with my boyfriend at the time, led to me sitting on his bathroom floor, throwing up crying. my body was in severe pain and i couldnt even stand up or move. he carried me home, and i went to the ER to find out i had an ovarian cyst burst, and it had been so large that the fluid from inside it was all the way up in my chest/rib area. that led to me being on tons of antibiotics and pain meds. that was some awful pain as well.
that also just meant i needed to find ANOTHER birth control that would prevent my cysts.
i gave up when i was about 19. i was on a pill that made me sick, but was bearable, and seemed to work, but after 5 years, i was sick of taking my pill, and dealing with missed pills, and this and that. its just too much work. the patch sucks, nuva ring is dumb, and the shots are complicated. i gave up on birth control. and took a chance at getting ovarian cysts again.
i haven't had any ovarian cysts since then, by i had one in my tata shortly after that. it scared the SHIT out of me when i found it. my ex asked me if that was normal...i felt it, and ran home crying. i was terrified, worried and thought i was going to be bald and die. i went through surgery, and had to take time off of work to heal and such. that was painful too. but luckily, it wasn't cancerous and i haven't any issues since.
but i'm checking constantly.
breast cancer runs in my family wayyy too much, and at early ages, so its something thats always in the back of my mind.
what other health issues am i missing?
my migraines.
LORD IF YOU EXIST, PLEASE MAKE THEM GO AWAY FOR GOOD.
i wish i could say i just had headaches like a normal person, but i don't.
there's rarely a day, or time that i don't have a headache, but it's become so common, i just live with them.
but my migraines? i cry. and sit in the dark. and cry. and try to sleep.
i have medication for them when they get bad, but it doesn't always help, and i cant drive when i take them, so if i'm out and i get one, im screwed.
they're so bad, i throw up, lose my vision and just can't do anything.
when i have them i honestly feel that slamming my head against the wall would feel better, but i've yet to actually try it.
it's unbelievable how bad my headaches can get. it makes me thankful that i only have small headaches constantly, if they were always migraines, i'd honestly kill myself.
i've also had random bladder infections, urinary tract infections, dealt with an unwanted infection i got from an ex, and other various sicknesses, but now i'm feeling like i got kicked in my fucking back.
the other night i was laying watching netflix, and my back was killing me, but i thought it was from moving a pallet of dog food at work; shit ain't light after awhile. so i put a heating pad on it, and took ibuprofen and hoped it would just subside.
nothing, the heat did nothing for it.
i tried to sleep, and hope it would go away, all i did was lightly sleep, and dream about being in pain. i woke up, tried to stretch, thinking it was the bed i was sleeping on, and i was in pain. not normal muscle pain either.
finally fell asleep, just to wake up a few hours later.
at this point i was so nauseous i had to get up and go to the bathroom. well, it being 5am, my sister was in the bathroom closest to me getting ready for school. when i went to walk downstairs, i realized my pain wasn't any better, but about 10x worse.
i had to be thee saddest scene, i was sitting on my bathroom floor, trying to throw up, while crying because of the pain i was in. i just wanted it to freakin stop. and there was nothing i could do.
i've become accustomed to carrying my phone with my EVERYWHERE from back when Cam went into the field, i didn;t wanna ever miss his calls, so i had it in the bathroom with me, so i called my sister [who was right above me in the upstairs bathroom] and had her wake my step dad up.
after various phone calls to my mom, who is a night RN at a well-known hospital, my step dad drove me to the ER.
after IV's, CAT scans, and various pain meds, they found NOTHING FUCKING WRONG WITH ME.
no kidney stones, not pregnant, nothing abnormal in my urine or blood. so they gave me oxycodone, my antibiotic, and another med to keep both of those pills from making me sick.
i'm a few days in, and im not feeling any better. the pain is bearable, i'm able to move about and work,
but it's getting to the point where i'm wanting to start crying again. something is wrong, and i cant stand it.
they said if the pain doesn't go away, they want me back, to do more CAT scans to see if my kidneys are working correctly, or if there's blood clotting or failure somewhere.
i always think the worst of everything too, so i swear i'm looking at my left kidney going through some sort of failure. hah.
i just wanna be able to eat, without feeling sick. i want to be able to sleep, and walk, and work without feeling like someone had me on the ground and kicked me in the back.
i'm also developing pains where my ovarian cyst pain normally is. i can't handle all this body pain. haha.
remember in the movie Old Yeller, where the dog had rabies or something, and the dad went out and shot him to put him out of his misery?
Someone needs to put me out of my misery. haha. My body needs to stop attacking itself, its really becoming a pain in the ass.
<3 i'm tired from Christmas Festivities, i'm gunna go crash.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Monday, December 24, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
I choose to be happy.
i feel other people should as well.
dont like something
fucking do something about it.
stop complaining about it; that is unless its out of your control entirely.
sometimes there are things we just need to learn to deal and cope with.
but if you feel you're complaining and unhappy for the majority of your relationship with a significant other,
please do everyone and yourself a favor,
honestly, just leave.
working on things can be done, but there's only so much you can do for yourself and your relationship.
it being christmas eve and all, im left thinking about the past year, and years before it.
this past year, as i've stated numerous times, was not the best.
the years before that were pretty good, with some rough patches.
but this year really knocked me down, and continued to kick me even when i said stop.
some people just don't listen.
but i was asking for it as well this past year. i'm to blame for a lot of what happened, and i'm over it.
i can't take back what i've done, and i wouldn't. i wish i would've met a few people under different circumstances, so we could continue to be friends, and so i didn't feel like i had to be cautious about certain people showing up places.
but whats done is done, and even though i still feel like i'm sitting on the ground, on a very dirty sidewalk
no ones kicking anymore, and i'm not asking for it to be 'harder' either.
i'm not one for regrets at all, and who knows, in a week i could feel completely different,
but my sister got me thinking about something recently.
she recently broke up with her boyfriend, and they're 15/17 yrs old, and they have had states seperating them for a long time. which, doesnt mean anything, Cam and I have states seperateing us, and i dont want people judging us,
but what always bothered me about my sister's relationship is that she was 14/15 planning her whole life out to be with this one boy, who was a good 4-5 states away. i knew that meant she'd go to homecoming dances alone, proms alone, and always feel lonely when she went to parties, or other get togethers. i know that feeling all too well from a past relationship. and thats not how i wanted my sister to spend her highschool years. a lot of people hated highschool and never would go back. i loved my highschool years, i was friends with everyone, everyone liked me, i did amazing in school, and my boyfriend at the time was just, genuinely incredible. i knew how perfect homecomings could be with a boyfriend, and i knew how amazinggg my prom was because of him as well. When prom came around, i wasn't sure if he was going to be able to go, because of his age and the school's rules about older, graduated guests. and those few days while i was waiting to get approval from the school, i felt like i was holding my breath. prom would have been nothing if i would've went by myself, or with a guy/girl friend, i would've felt like something was missing.
i didn't want my sister's highschool years to be like that.
and now they won't be. and she's devestated that they broke up. and he's with his ex already, and so on and such. all that highschool stuff.
so i sat down to talk with her about how i dealt with my first major break up.
ryan! that boy, haha. i ran into him just 2 days ago, sat and talked with him for a little bit. i've never stopped talking to that boy, and i hope i never do. him and I, we've got our demons, and mannn do we clash. but he was my world when i was 15. him and i, we were going to get married, definitely. haha. or so we talked about when we were 15, just like my sister and her ex.
leaving him was hard, because i so badly wanted that relationship to fix itself and work out. but i felt like i was the only one trying, putting forth effort. i got ignored time and time again, and yelled and screamed at.
he once flipped out so bad on me, he up and smashed his guitar against a brick wall in public while yelling at me.
it was terrible.
i stayed with him longer than i should have, honestly. the things that boy said to me, when i was just 16 years old, were some really hurtful things, that still cross my mind once in a while. he had me believing i was the worst person in the entire world, and i was better off dead. thank you ryan, for being a wonderful boyfriend in the beginning, but turning out to be so veryyy bad for me in the end.
how did i move on from my first major boyfriend? i broke up with him, and the next day my mom took me to the beach for a few days. i wasn't allowed to text or call ryan at all. but i had bryan in my life at that point.
he was what helped me leave ryan, to be completely honest.
he was a person i befriended, and friend zoned, and would just listen to me talk.
he gave me completely unbiased answers, and just helped me talk things out, until i came to a conclusion on my own.
bryan? i dated that boy for 3 months shy of 4 years. those 4 years were the best. i was the healthiest, i was the happiest, i was the most driven, on track person i've ever been. i didn't drink, i didn't smoke, i didn't party, i got straight A's, everything was perfect.
but i felt like i was 40 years old, when i was only 20.
we were going to get married. that's how serious i was about Bryan. Maroon was the color, and Sept. 28th, 2013 was the date. and we weren't even engaged yet, but it was coming. and i think that's why i ran,
fast,
in the other direction
non stop
did i mention fast?
i broke up with him in June 2011, and i knew, for a fact, by December 2011, we were going to of been engaged. "by the end of the year babe, but i'm not telling you when"
i'm sure it was going to be in November though, he was awful at hiding things when he was excited.
but whatever, where am i going? i don't know.
i loved him, honestly. but i wasn't even 21 yet, and i wanted to party, i wanted to be wild, and have fun like i did when i was 14.
that wasn't bryan's scene. and i got a phone call from a friend saying to go to Joey's house because him and his girlfriend just split, and he was upset.
i've told myself so many times this past year, i wish i wouldn't of went. i should've fought my friend, and just stayed asleep in bed.
the fact that that i remember everything, down to the exact bedsheets i had on my bed when i got that call,
i should've known things were going to change.
i met ed. and from there, i stopped caring about anything and everything. he had me crying within the first week of officially dating him.
i suppose friends with bens, should stay friends with bens sometimes.
i should've known from me crying within the first week,
and the fact that i kissed his friend, on his birthday, in a bar, while he was blackout drunk passed out in his friend's car, that it wasn't the relationship i was looking for.
did i mention he asked me out the day after his birthday, and i said yes?
i never said i was perfect, or that i didn't do terrible things.
and i'm no longer going to sit here and say "well he did this, so i did this back"
because that's dumb. things shouldn't work that way. we should've never made it past August, let along got back together in October.
i didn't fess up about kissing his best friend until October, want the exact date?
the 17th, when his friend left for Basic training.
by october, his friend and i had kissed a bunch of times since my ex's birthday. bad situations, bad feelings, and a lot of...conning was done.
i won't say i didn't willingly kiss his friend, but i will say, that friend can be no good. he did a lot of conning and setting things up, to get me right where he wanted me. between drunken 2am phone calls from him, suicide attempts on his end, and showing up when i least expected him,
he made it hard for me not to notice him, and i was just someone who wanted attention, since my boyfriend at the time wanted nothing more but to up and leave me alone at every party, friends house, get together, or bar we went to.
i remember the time ed took me to joe's house, and him and the boys started smoking, which was something i had asked him not to do in front of me.
the only person i ever felt cared about me, was his best friend.
dave and i killed a case by ourselves that night, and i was sick.
i, somehow?, walked down off the porch, and sat in the grass, and threw up.
...i never said i was classy either.
and when i was done being sick, i sat there, and yelled for ed. and got no response.
did that a few times within the next 10 minutes, until his friend finally told me he left, to bring danielle? home
to this day, i don't want to know if anything happened or not, im still bothered by the fact he knowingly left his girlfriend in the yard, plastered, sick, and calling for him, to give another girl a ride home, without even TELLING his girlfriend he'd "be right back"
that was one of the many nights dave saved me.
where was i going with this?
ah. that's right.
so ya, this past year, was packedddd with lots of wild, and lots of fun, and wild parties, trippy drugs, hard booze, heavy rock n roll, and unmentionable sex.
and now i'd like to just, move on from it.
slightly?
i want an inbetween. i'd like to feel responsible, but have fun at the same time. i don't care if i have to be single to achieve that, but that's what i'm striving for for the next year.
i've been in shambles for over a year now, and i don't like it.
i mentioned regret somewhere up there didn't i?
i regret the things i shared with my most recent ex.
i've heard a few people wish they would've given their vcard to someone else, or not dated this person, or done that in their life,
but i try not to regret many things in my life.
ryan? he can keep that vcard i gave him, he got me through my rough teenage years, and im glad i shared it with him, even if things got rocky.
bryan? i wouldn't change much, at all. no regrets here. he showed me amazing guys exist.
ed? there really were good times, but they weren't major, or long lasting. the longest we ever went without fighting was honestly a week. i kept track. with him, i appreciate the "losing control" i had with him, it was fun to not give a damn for a little bit. but i regret sharing things with him, information, stories, things about me. he shouldn't know any of it. he knows things i couldn't bring to tell or even consider sharing with anyone else. then again, i'm the only one that knows a few of his things too. i just wish i would've kept a few of my personal secrets, well, a secret. people don't need to know everything about you,
everyone has things they chose never to tell anyone.
he doesn't know all, but he knows most, i regret that.
maybe there was a reason for it.
there's a lesson here, but i'm not even worried about figuring it out.
i've got new, better, happier things to focus on these days.
not sure how i got writing any of this.
my sister!
thanks sissy, because what i really wanted to do at 230 am is write a long post. haha.
i picked my own happiness for once,
and everyday, from the first text i get from Cam,
to the ones where he's telling me to get sleep,
i'm reminded why i needed to finally put myself first.
it's christmas eve!
in less than 24 hours, i'll be watching A nightmare before Christmas, as it's a personal tradition,
and maybe i can get boy to skype with me.
someone bring him to me for christmas?
it's really all i want.
dont like something
fucking do something about it.
stop complaining about it; that is unless its out of your control entirely.
sometimes there are things we just need to learn to deal and cope with.
but if you feel you're complaining and unhappy for the majority of your relationship with a significant other,
please do everyone and yourself a favor,
honestly, just leave.
working on things can be done, but there's only so much you can do for yourself and your relationship.
it being christmas eve and all, im left thinking about the past year, and years before it.
this past year, as i've stated numerous times, was not the best.
the years before that were pretty good, with some rough patches.
but this year really knocked me down, and continued to kick me even when i said stop.
some people just don't listen.
but i was asking for it as well this past year. i'm to blame for a lot of what happened, and i'm over it.
i can't take back what i've done, and i wouldn't. i wish i would've met a few people under different circumstances, so we could continue to be friends, and so i didn't feel like i had to be cautious about certain people showing up places.
but whats done is done, and even though i still feel like i'm sitting on the ground, on a very dirty sidewalk
no ones kicking anymore, and i'm not asking for it to be 'harder' either.
i'm not one for regrets at all, and who knows, in a week i could feel completely different,
but my sister got me thinking about something recently.
she recently broke up with her boyfriend, and they're 15/17 yrs old, and they have had states seperating them for a long time. which, doesnt mean anything, Cam and I have states seperateing us, and i dont want people judging us,
but what always bothered me about my sister's relationship is that she was 14/15 planning her whole life out to be with this one boy, who was a good 4-5 states away. i knew that meant she'd go to homecoming dances alone, proms alone, and always feel lonely when she went to parties, or other get togethers. i know that feeling all too well from a past relationship. and thats not how i wanted my sister to spend her highschool years. a lot of people hated highschool and never would go back. i loved my highschool years, i was friends with everyone, everyone liked me, i did amazing in school, and my boyfriend at the time was just, genuinely incredible. i knew how perfect homecomings could be with a boyfriend, and i knew how amazinggg my prom was because of him as well. When prom came around, i wasn't sure if he was going to be able to go, because of his age and the school's rules about older, graduated guests. and those few days while i was waiting to get approval from the school, i felt like i was holding my breath. prom would have been nothing if i would've went by myself, or with a guy/girl friend, i would've felt like something was missing.
i didn't want my sister's highschool years to be like that.
and now they won't be. and she's devestated that they broke up. and he's with his ex already, and so on and such. all that highschool stuff.
so i sat down to talk with her about how i dealt with my first major break up.
ryan! that boy, haha. i ran into him just 2 days ago, sat and talked with him for a little bit. i've never stopped talking to that boy, and i hope i never do. him and I, we've got our demons, and mannn do we clash. but he was my world when i was 15. him and i, we were going to get married, definitely. haha. or so we talked about when we were 15, just like my sister and her ex.
leaving him was hard, because i so badly wanted that relationship to fix itself and work out. but i felt like i was the only one trying, putting forth effort. i got ignored time and time again, and yelled and screamed at.
he once flipped out so bad on me, he up and smashed his guitar against a brick wall in public while yelling at me.
it was terrible.
i stayed with him longer than i should have, honestly. the things that boy said to me, when i was just 16 years old, were some really hurtful things, that still cross my mind once in a while. he had me believing i was the worst person in the entire world, and i was better off dead. thank you ryan, for being a wonderful boyfriend in the beginning, but turning out to be so veryyy bad for me in the end.
how did i move on from my first major boyfriend? i broke up with him, and the next day my mom took me to the beach for a few days. i wasn't allowed to text or call ryan at all. but i had bryan in my life at that point.
he was what helped me leave ryan, to be completely honest.
he was a person i befriended, and friend zoned, and would just listen to me talk.
he gave me completely unbiased answers, and just helped me talk things out, until i came to a conclusion on my own.
bryan? i dated that boy for 3 months shy of 4 years. those 4 years were the best. i was the healthiest, i was the happiest, i was the most driven, on track person i've ever been. i didn't drink, i didn't smoke, i didn't party, i got straight A's, everything was perfect.
but i felt like i was 40 years old, when i was only 20.
we were going to get married. that's how serious i was about Bryan. Maroon was the color, and Sept. 28th, 2013 was the date. and we weren't even engaged yet, but it was coming. and i think that's why i ran,
fast,
in the other direction
non stop
did i mention fast?
i broke up with him in June 2011, and i knew, for a fact, by December 2011, we were going to of been engaged. "by the end of the year babe, but i'm not telling you when"
i'm sure it was going to be in November though, he was awful at hiding things when he was excited.
but whatever, where am i going? i don't know.
i loved him, honestly. but i wasn't even 21 yet, and i wanted to party, i wanted to be wild, and have fun like i did when i was 14.
that wasn't bryan's scene. and i got a phone call from a friend saying to go to Joey's house because him and his girlfriend just split, and he was upset.
i've told myself so many times this past year, i wish i wouldn't of went. i should've fought my friend, and just stayed asleep in bed.
the fact that that i remember everything, down to the exact bedsheets i had on my bed when i got that call,
i should've known things were going to change.
i met ed. and from there, i stopped caring about anything and everything. he had me crying within the first week of officially dating him.
i suppose friends with bens, should stay friends with bens sometimes.
i should've known from me crying within the first week,
and the fact that i kissed his friend, on his birthday, in a bar, while he was blackout drunk passed out in his friend's car, that it wasn't the relationship i was looking for.
did i mention he asked me out the day after his birthday, and i said yes?
i never said i was perfect, or that i didn't do terrible things.
and i'm no longer going to sit here and say "well he did this, so i did this back"
because that's dumb. things shouldn't work that way. we should've never made it past August, let along got back together in October.
i didn't fess up about kissing his best friend until October, want the exact date?
the 17th, when his friend left for Basic training.
by october, his friend and i had kissed a bunch of times since my ex's birthday. bad situations, bad feelings, and a lot of...conning was done.
i won't say i didn't willingly kiss his friend, but i will say, that friend can be no good. he did a lot of conning and setting things up, to get me right where he wanted me. between drunken 2am phone calls from him, suicide attempts on his end, and showing up when i least expected him,
he made it hard for me not to notice him, and i was just someone who wanted attention, since my boyfriend at the time wanted nothing more but to up and leave me alone at every party, friends house, get together, or bar we went to.
i remember the time ed took me to joe's house, and him and the boys started smoking, which was something i had asked him not to do in front of me.
the only person i ever felt cared about me, was his best friend.
dave and i killed a case by ourselves that night, and i was sick.
i, somehow?, walked down off the porch, and sat in the grass, and threw up.
...i never said i was classy either.
and when i was done being sick, i sat there, and yelled for ed. and got no response.
did that a few times within the next 10 minutes, until his friend finally told me he left, to bring danielle? home
to this day, i don't want to know if anything happened or not, im still bothered by the fact he knowingly left his girlfriend in the yard, plastered, sick, and calling for him, to give another girl a ride home, without even TELLING his girlfriend he'd "be right back"
that was one of the many nights dave saved me.
where was i going with this?
ah. that's right.
so ya, this past year, was packedddd with lots of wild, and lots of fun, and wild parties, trippy drugs, hard booze, heavy rock n roll, and unmentionable sex.
and now i'd like to just, move on from it.
slightly?
i want an inbetween. i'd like to feel responsible, but have fun at the same time. i don't care if i have to be single to achieve that, but that's what i'm striving for for the next year.
i've been in shambles for over a year now, and i don't like it.
i mentioned regret somewhere up there didn't i?
i regret the things i shared with my most recent ex.
i've heard a few people wish they would've given their vcard to someone else, or not dated this person, or done that in their life,
but i try not to regret many things in my life.
ryan? he can keep that vcard i gave him, he got me through my rough teenage years, and im glad i shared it with him, even if things got rocky.
bryan? i wouldn't change much, at all. no regrets here. he showed me amazing guys exist.
ed? there really were good times, but they weren't major, or long lasting. the longest we ever went without fighting was honestly a week. i kept track. with him, i appreciate the "losing control" i had with him, it was fun to not give a damn for a little bit. but i regret sharing things with him, information, stories, things about me. he shouldn't know any of it. he knows things i couldn't bring to tell or even consider sharing with anyone else. then again, i'm the only one that knows a few of his things too. i just wish i would've kept a few of my personal secrets, well, a secret. people don't need to know everything about you,
everyone has things they chose never to tell anyone.
he doesn't know all, but he knows most, i regret that.
maybe there was a reason for it.
there's a lesson here, but i'm not even worried about figuring it out.
i've got new, better, happier things to focus on these days.
not sure how i got writing any of this.
my sister!
thanks sissy, because what i really wanted to do at 230 am is write a long post. haha.
i picked my own happiness for once,
and everyday, from the first text i get from Cam,
to the ones where he's telling me to get sleep,
i'm reminded why i needed to finally put myself first.
it's christmas eve!
in less than 24 hours, i'll be watching A nightmare before Christmas, as it's a personal tradition,
and maybe i can get boy to skype with me.
someone bring him to me for christmas?
it's really all i want.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Speak The Truth Hemingway!
already miss him saying goodnight.
and he alsoooo suckered me realll fast
by kissing me everytime he left me,
even if it was only for a few minutes.
this is the first time i've had someone like this.
WHAT IS THIS.
whatever it is,
i'm loving it.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
The Best Words I've Heard In Forever.
"See you tomorrow baby"
yes.
the day is here.
GOING TO VISIT MY BOYFRIEND.
<3
yes.
the day is here.
GOING TO VISIT MY BOYFRIEND.
<3
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
when the curious girl gets lost.
somethings sitting in me and i dont like it.
there's nothing really there, but its one of those times where i cant seem to figure out what is going on.
i honestly hate feeling like this.
especially when its so close to being so very happy.
i've got less than 48 hours until i see the person who makes me the happiest,
and here i am at 5am not able to turn off my mind of anything and everything.
i wish i could say it was something in particular, or something bothering me
but its not.
its just noise. its like the fucking weather channel, its nothing really important, or life changing, but its still there. still on.
demons are birthing demons.
i need to calm myself down and i really don't know how.
well, i do.
but i wont.
or will i.
i hate this.
why is wonderland so...tricky?
there's nothing really there, but its one of those times where i cant seem to figure out what is going on.
i honestly hate feeling like this.
especially when its so close to being so very happy.
i've got less than 48 hours until i see the person who makes me the happiest,
and here i am at 5am not able to turn off my mind of anything and everything.
i wish i could say it was something in particular, or something bothering me
but its not.
its just noise. its like the fucking weather channel, its nothing really important, or life changing, but its still there. still on.
demons are birthing demons.
i need to calm myself down and i really don't know how.
well, i do.
but i wont.
or will i.
i hate this.
why is wonderland so...tricky?
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Things I'll Never Forget.
it's incredible how images of objects bring back so many memories.
let the good times roll, and good vibes fllooowww.
let the good times roll, and good vibes fllooowww.
Summer '11 Dave was the only one who could beat me.
good party, long night, lots of drama. Dave saved me.
This was my 21st birthday weekend.
I ran into my house after work on friday
[my birthday wasn't until the following tuesday]
and got drunk. Rat Pack started this night. <3 love them.
Minutes after Joey left for basic.
left me with a lot of tears and promises. bahah.
did these shots with the Rat Pack boys.
Sneaking shots behind my ex's back with my bestie.
this was a random monday night.
unplanned, but very successful.
girl's night. with the girls. ha.
the day randomly bought him our love child.
rest in piece goliath. i loved you lots.
missing my old bedroom.
sniff.here
my mom draws the best sad faces
in notes when she's mad at me.
this boy means a lot to me.
lovinnn life.
random adventure with Nick.
my lizard's crickets were sticking to eachother.
the sulcata tortoise at my work.
with a house on her shell. <3
"we can have more fun sober"
2 of my boys and i spent all night driving around
we broke the sliding door at Weis,
played hunger games at walmart
and then bought packages of army gummyguys
and set up our battle stations at a local gas station.
we asked customers to play with us too.
it was 3am, and they did.
my ex knew how to do a few things right,
making me a Cheshire Cat easter egg was one of them.
I absolutely adore my dermals.
the day i got them.
lots of food means 1 thing:
Courtneys coming over and we're having a girls night.
Nick is honestly my best friend.
This was my pet rat Dinah [named after Alice]
I miss her everyday of my life.
my 21st birthday presents from my brother.
my momma loves snowmen. tooo much.
my ex didn't set them up right, and she tweaked.
hookah bar night.
we had a group of 16 people, including my parents.
[miss my android with Cpt. America sticker]
this describes some of my summer.
reddd mustang.
trip out to visit my bestie at college, with her cat.
awful. awful drive. terrible events.
because i love the cheshire cat
and he loved me, somedays.
i'm amazing at surprises.
happy valentines day to an old ex.
over 300 sticky notes.
because i'm boss at multimedia when i want to be.
happy 20th birthday to me.
i will get back to Baltimore, MD if its the last thing i do.
i love it there.
Bryan and I took a trip to Disney.
first grown up thing ever.
my prom, bryan's civic
and the wonderful car plate i bought him.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Numbers.
jusstttttt in case anyone was wondering how many more days until i finally get to see Cameron.
figured everyone should be as excited as i am.
<3
Long Distance Relationship Problems.
sdfasfsdfss
1,029 miles between us, and he still finds a way to make this happen. this boy, i tell ya.
how did i get this lucky?
1,029 miles between us, and he still finds a way to make this happen. this boy, i tell ya.
how did i get this lucky?
Monday, December 3, 2012
something that reminded me of boy!
but he's quitting smoking.
i still won't forget it. <3
did i tell you he reads too?
who honest to god reads these days?
and when i say he reads, his answer isn't limited to superstreet magazine, or the satanic bible.
he named authors, and books.
this is a definitely a big deal no matter how dumb it sounds.
i'm in such a good mood. let's end the post here.
<3CAMERON!
Sunday, December 2, 2012
be still and know...for the last time.
this is hopefully going to be the last post that is essentially based around my exboyfriend.
i have, as i've mentioned before, a new man that makes me smile, does beyond wonderful things, and is honestly the first and last thing i think of every day. but i suppose a few things need to get put down, get out there. things that still weigh on my chest and cross my mind, especially since a friend asked me for some advice today, and after i thought the conversation was over, i walked away from my computer and went on with my night filled with skyping my boyfriend and playing Alice: Madness Returns.
when i finally went back to the conversation i had with this friend hours prior, i saw she had left one last comment that i had left before reading.
my advice? if anyone has that as their relationship song, or anything like it, fucking run. there's nothing wrong with being still and knowing something, but like i've written and yelled a thousand times this past year- a person cannot be still and know ALL THE DAMN TIME. a person needs to see action, needs to have witnessed or actually believe in what they're "suppose to know". fuck that 'be still' nonsense. make it known, put some action towards the person you're in like, or in love with. show them as much, as often and however you can. objects and material things are bullshit, little fucking things count and make the biggest impact. keep your word, keep a promise, swap stories, discuss what you're afraid of, what you want in life, kiss them, hug them, surprise them, write notes on napkins, and take a million pictures. be afraid to lose that person.
do not tell them "you should know i love you. you should just know that."
i was asked to be still and know without any of those things mentioned above. i was given lies, broken promises, broken dates, blown offs, forgotten phone calls, with a few good moments, and told i should just know how much he loved me.
am i the only one that finds that even a little insane?
for anyone who is completely lost with the whole "Be Still and Know" line, let me try and break it down for you:
it's a bible verse, "Be Still and know that i am god..."
but its also common in songs, and the title of a wonderful song by Machinehead.
the basis is that a person should "be still" as in, stay calm, don't worry, don't stress out, don't get their panties in a bunch, don't over react. "and Know" as in, well, know that whatever the subject is, is true. it should not be doubted and questioned. it is a given.
so all in all, relax, don't worry or stress because it is true, it is fact.
ya, it's also a crock of bullshit when you don't or aren't given a reason to fully believe the subject is fact.
what did i tell my friend that is having issues?
i told her to cry, i told her to scream, yell, be upset. to stay in bed all day if she has to. i told her to take some time and let herself feel and understand what is happening and what this means. but i told her to only act like that for a few days, and after those few days, she needs to pick her self up and move on.
things won't be easy, she's going to think about him, and wonder about all the what if's that shes missing out on. but anyone could do that, hell, sometimes it crosses my mind about how things would be if even Ryan and i would've worked out and stayed together. there's a million things i could question, and double think and wish i would've done differently with Edward, but all that shit isn't going to get me anywhere in life. im unhappy with how my life has been since last June for the most part, why would i want things to stay the same?
i don't. not even a little bit, so i'm moving forward. and i'm loving life now. i do not believe in destiny, but i believe if things are truly meant to be, they will eventually happen. and him and i just weren't suppose to. there's only so much work a person can put into something before they're ran down. i was run down, i was nothing, i was not myself, and i hated it.
so now i'm letting go of things, the good and the bad. i want to remember the good times, just like i do with anyyyone else, but they're being kept as memories, not as hope or something to strive towards, because they were few and far apart, i've had more constant happy times since November 8th, than i have with him in the past year.
i came across a song that totalllyyy reminded me of my ex and I. and it made me so much happier knowing that i have a new person sleeping next to me [when we're around eachother hah], and a new person who has me smiling from the second i wake up, to the second i go to sleep.
i have, as i've mentioned before, a new man that makes me smile, does beyond wonderful things, and is honestly the first and last thing i think of every day. but i suppose a few things need to get put down, get out there. things that still weigh on my chest and cross my mind, especially since a friend asked me for some advice today, and after i thought the conversation was over, i walked away from my computer and went on with my night filled with skyping my boyfriend and playing Alice: Madness Returns.
when i finally went back to the conversation i had with this friend hours prior, i saw she had left one last comment that i had left before reading.
"You are a very strong person."
that conversation i had with her has stayed with me throughout the day, i've been wondering if there's anything more i could say, or any other way to help her; also her comment sticks with me.
i'm a strong person? i don't believe so at all.
she sounds like me a few months ago with her issues pertaining to her and her on again off again boyfriend.
i wish i wouldn't of had to think about my ex and i again, but in a way i'm glad i did.
i've realized i'm moving forward, and that's what's best.
she's crying, my friend, because someone told her that her ex is whoring around and just getting with who ever he can. that seems to always be the hardest part when something you wanted so bad, doesnt work out.
to my knowledge my ex isn't whoring it up, and honestly i feel like he hasn't slept with anyone yet, or its just been 1 other person. i know how much he cared about me, and he always swore on everything it'd take him awhile to actually move on from me.
he also swore he'd continue to wear that necklace of mine he hid behind his rams head necklace.
and i know for a fact he's not wearing it, so his word is false. like usual.
i've moved on, and he's not the one sleeping next to me at night,
when i hear or find out he has someone new in his bed, it won't bother me.
and i know for a fact he's not wearing it, so his word is false. like usual.
i've moved on, and he's not the one sleeping next to me at night,
when i hear or find out he has someone new in his bed, it won't bother me.
but if i were him, i'd never wear it again either. i'd want to get rid of it, never see it again. but i know personally i'd just hide it somewhere. Those words, and that date, i'd never want to be associated with again, and that's why i'm using them for the post title.
Be Still
& Know
those words are false on so many levels. that song makes me want to vomit. Thank you Edward Layne for ruining one of my favorite Machinehead songs because it makes you "think of us".my advice? if anyone has that as their relationship song, or anything like it, fucking run. there's nothing wrong with being still and knowing something, but like i've written and yelled a thousand times this past year- a person cannot be still and know ALL THE DAMN TIME. a person needs to see action, needs to have witnessed or actually believe in what they're "suppose to know". fuck that 'be still' nonsense. make it known, put some action towards the person you're in like, or in love with. show them as much, as often and however you can. objects and material things are bullshit, little fucking things count and make the biggest impact. keep your word, keep a promise, swap stories, discuss what you're afraid of, what you want in life, kiss them, hug them, surprise them, write notes on napkins, and take a million pictures. be afraid to lose that person.
do not tell them "you should know i love you. you should just know that."
i was asked to be still and know without any of those things mentioned above. i was given lies, broken promises, broken dates, blown offs, forgotten phone calls, with a few good moments, and told i should just know how much he loved me.
am i the only one that finds that even a little insane?
for anyone who is completely lost with the whole "Be Still and Know" line, let me try and break it down for you:
it's a bible verse, "Be Still and know that i am god..."
but its also common in songs, and the title of a wonderful song by Machinehead.
the basis is that a person should "be still" as in, stay calm, don't worry, don't stress out, don't get their panties in a bunch, don't over react. "and Know" as in, well, know that whatever the subject is, is true. it should not be doubted and questioned. it is a given.
so all in all, relax, don't worry or stress because it is true, it is fact.
ya, it's also a crock of bullshit when you don't or aren't given a reason to fully believe the subject is fact.
what did i tell my friend that is having issues?
i told her to cry, i told her to scream, yell, be upset. to stay in bed all day if she has to. i told her to take some time and let herself feel and understand what is happening and what this means. but i told her to only act like that for a few days, and after those few days, she needs to pick her self up and move on.
things won't be easy, she's going to think about him, and wonder about all the what if's that shes missing out on. but anyone could do that, hell, sometimes it crosses my mind about how things would be if even Ryan and i would've worked out and stayed together. there's a million things i could question, and double think and wish i would've done differently with Edward, but all that shit isn't going to get me anywhere in life. im unhappy with how my life has been since last June for the most part, why would i want things to stay the same?
i don't. not even a little bit, so i'm moving forward. and i'm loving life now. i do not believe in destiny, but i believe if things are truly meant to be, they will eventually happen. and him and i just weren't suppose to. there's only so much work a person can put into something before they're ran down. i was run down, i was nothing, i was not myself, and i hated it.
so now i'm letting go of things, the good and the bad. i want to remember the good times, just like i do with anyyyone else, but they're being kept as memories, not as hope or something to strive towards, because they were few and far apart, i've had more constant happy times since November 8th, than i have with him in the past year.
i came across a song that totalllyyy reminded me of my ex and I. and it made me so much happier knowing that i have a new person sleeping next to me [when we're around eachother hah], and a new person who has me smiling from the second i wake up, to the second i go to sleep.
Now lay your head down on the bed
We're back to back with nothing said again
This happens every night
Don't talk while he's turning off the light
And it's dark, he's breathing hard
And "sorry"s what he never says
"€œdo you still love me?"
We're back to back with nothing said again
This happens every night
Don't talk while he's turning off the light
And it's dark, he's breathing hard
And "sorry"s what he never says
"€œdo you still love me?"
"€œyeah I guess" he speaks as he's rolling in his sheets
The address says we're sleeping at your house
Then why are you sleeping on the couch
The address says we're sleeping at your house
Then why are you sleeping on the couch
Lets just get drunk and watch stars tonight
And this black sky is a blanket it keeps us warm for you
And this black sky is a blanket it keeps us warm for you
we fought at night a lot, even after he lost his job and didn't have to be to sleep early.
but we hated sleeping without each other to the point i remember him showing up at my house at midnight one night just to fall asleep next to me.
but we hated sleeping without each other to the point i remember him showing up at my house at midnight one night just to fall asleep next to me.
but those lyrics say sooo many true things.
i knew when he turned off the tv, and the lights that if i tried talking to him, he got angry.
i remember asking him a few times if he still loved me, and i guess was the answer i got.
he slept on his couch a few times, we'd fight, and he'd grab his pillow and extra blanket and go into the other room to try and sleep.
he had such a nasty temper, when he was angry he'd say anything, whether he meant it or not.
i knew when he turned off the tv, and the lights that if i tried talking to him, he got angry.
i remember asking him a few times if he still loved me, and i guess was the answer i got.
he slept on his couch a few times, we'd fight, and he'd grab his pillow and extra blanket and go into the other room to try and sleep.
he had such a nasty temper, when he was angry he'd say anything, whether he meant it or not.
one night we fought while laying in bed and he told me it was over, that in the morning he wanted me out, wanted my shit packed and wanted to never see me again, that i was worthless, a bitch, crazy, and our relationship was a joke.
that morning i woke up to him draggging me across the bed like he always did, kissing my shoulder and telling me he was glad i was still there when he woke up, that he loved me and was just angry the night before....he was crazy i tell you.
and that last stanza about the stars and drinking reminds me of the times he refused to lay on the top of my car with me and watch meteor showers.
which i'm in love with. meteor showers=own my heart.
which i'm in love with. meteor showers=own my heart.
he never even slightly tried to give a shit about things i liked. its okay. he lost me, its his loss, and my gain.
i've gained a wonderful person in his screwup.
i've gained a wonderful person in his screwup.
there were good times, but those good times turned bad.
all the good times were only ever had because i fought for them, i yelled, i cried, i bitched until they happened.
that makes me sound like an awful demanding bitch, but i'm talking about going to the movies, going to the zoo, a day trip to the beach, visiting my family, playing uno etc.
little things like that only ever happened because i fought for them.
i'm really done with this whole post. i've got nothing left to say about my ex really. just my friend had me shocked when she said she thought i was a strong person. i never saw myself like that before.
i'm sure i cross his mind.
i'm sure i cross his mind.
i'm almost positive he hates the things he did, and wishes i would've done things differently as well.
i know he wanted it to work, but i hope he understands there wasn't a way, he couldn't give me things i needed. and i'm hoping he knows this is honest to god what's best.
if i could sit down and talk with him, honest talk, nothing nasty, face to face, i probably would.
i'd take that opportunity to talk things out, and let him know, without rubbing his face in it or bragging,
that i am happy now.
i'm happy with the decision i've made and with the man i've decided to call my boyfriend. how i feel i've found the things i've been looking for.
i'd take that opportunity to talk things out, and let him know, without rubbing his face in it or bragging,
that i am happy now.
i'm happy with the decision i've made and with the man i've decided to call my boyfriend. how i feel i've found the things i've been looking for.
my ex once admitted last December that he can't be who i need, who i deserve, he told me that and said i should go and find it.
now, things are still new with my boyfriend now, but he's already given me things i was asking for from my ex for over a year. My Boy seems really promising; maybe one day my ex will man up and just be happy i'm happy, even if it is with Cam.
i'm ending this, i've got better things to write about..
Memories.
This Is All.
Have a Wonderful Saturday.
Have a Wonderful Saturday.
 | |||
| goodmemories.goodvibes. FeetontheGround HeadintheClouds Don'tBringmeDown. |
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Sleepless Nights Alone.
everyone's got a dark side ;;
.could you love me?
could you love mine?
i absolutely hate that i write less and less the better things are in my life.
i have a bunch of composition notebooks that are filled from cover to cover in pure writing all from when i was younger, they're all so angst-y.
i was angry, i was messed up, i was on drugs, i was hurting myself, and i was making bad decisions.
but those things still stand true for some things.
i'm still messed up, i still choose drugs sometimes, and i'm still hurting myself.
the anger has subsided for now, and the bad decisions, well they gave me some wonderful stories to tell during drunken nights.
like the time CiCi and i got all dolled up and ready to go out, then acted like we were sleeping until the parentals were asleep and thought we were sleeping.
then we sat by the window and waited for the neon to park on the corner up the road and flash its headlights.
we responded by using the flashlight. next thing we knew, myyyy boy Ricky was using the 'code' whistle to get our attention. we snuck out and boyyy we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into.
i JUST turned 15, so i barely remember the order of happenings.
but i remember it was 3 nights of naps, drugs, alcohol, and boys. CiCi, how did we survive?
i'll never forget going to walmart with the neon packed with people. too many people that you and i sat on laps in the backseat. hah.
i'll also never forget when i heard the walkie talkie of the employee go off saying about "the white boy" and i knew instantly it was ricky. Passion, You and I quick headed outside, while Frank got the car, and the others went to look after ricky. I remember pulling up along side the road behind the walmart while ricky quick jumped in and we took off as fast as we could. i remember sitting on rickys lap in the car and asking why he was wet.
i laughed so hard when he said it was because the cops chased in through the creek behind walmart. haha.
i'll also never forget when we ended up at rickys. we were so damn young. they were so much older. things shouldn't of happened but they did. ayediosmio.
i remember when they finally went to drive us home, we had to get there soon because CiCi's mom was gunna wake up soon... someone the driver took a wrong turn and we ended up in NJ, paying the toll in all friggen pennies.
i remember the time we hid our one friend Nick in the closet while he rolled for us, because CiCi's dad woke up and came to check on us in the room.
after nick left, i remember smokingggggg up that room, and then we went to make brownies and drinks.
when we came back we realized CiCi's poor dog, KC was left in the room. that dog haddddd to be highhh on our level.
i remember the night Passion, CiCi, and I moved as many matresses into CiCi's bedroom as we could, we filled the whole floor with beds, and just rolled all over. and then we started drinking, and we got into a fight with Easy Cheese. we had that cheesy pastey shit EVERYWHERE. our hair, in the toilet, on the walls. EVERYWHERE.
i remember a lot of good stuff.
but i also remember a lot of stuff a 14-15yr old girl shouldn't of done or had to deal with.
i remember how angry ricky got towards me, i remember Biggie making me worried.
i remember being afraid i got mono, and thinking about how i'd have to tell everyone i kissed that week, and not knowing some of their names, let alone how to get ahold of them.
i remember laying in bed waiting to get a call. we werent sure if it was going to be from Passion, Viper or the cops first. i'll never forget the crying when Viper got locked, and I'll never forget being cold, scared, and wondering what we were going to do.
i remember finding twigs and rocks to mark where the car tires were in the drive way, so when we 'borrowed' CiCi's mom's car, we knew exactly where to put it.
those were the good times. the happy times. but at that same time i was a wreck on the inside.
i always have been for no reason. my anxiety, my ocd, my constant stress has ran my life since i was little.
despite all those good times, i was still locking myself in my bedroom hurting myself in anyway possible.
i drank, i smoked, i cut, i burned myself, i snorted things, i took things, and did whatever i could to not focus on how much i hated things.
in a strange way, i think drama club saved me.
but i know who really saved me.
I give my surviving those years to Ryan my ex, and my deceased friend Mike.
ryan and i started getting serious a few weeks after the whole winterbreak with CiCi thing, and he gave me one person to focus on. i feel like if it wasn't for him, i'd honestly of been pregnant with some random guy's baby. ryan also helped with my life a little bit. it was the first time i ever cared that much about someone. he'll always be that person i look to, i talk to, the one i know i was honestly crazy about. because things were innocent. vcards were lost and such, but not until after a year of being crazy about eachother. things were good in the beginning, but things got really bad towards the end.
see, he's bipolar, and i have ocd and anxiety. we were good for eachother because we understood our issues, but we also let eachother take our problems on one another. he let me do my ocd stuff, and he never talked my anxiety out with me, he let me do what i needed to, which wasn't good. and he took his mood swings out on me something fierce. which caused my shit to go out of wack, and towards the end of our relationship i was in an awful state of mind. and ryan was saying the nastiest things to me that i had ever heard [until i met ed], but ryan really had me feeling bad about myself. it was awful. it took a lot to get out of that relationship, i don't know how i did it.
mike, well, he was always there for me, no matter what i was doing. i have him to thank for my riddlen addiction, and for encouraging me to try and start taking new things, but i also have him to thank for getting my shit under control and for putting my ass in gear, and getting me to deal with my dark passenger and handle my demons. i love him more and more everyday despite him no longer being on this earth. there's honestly not a day that doesn't go by that i don't talk to him, or think about him. <3resteasybabyboy.
this is a pretty emo post, lemme tell ya. but it was bound to come out, i was bound to sit down and discuss things that sit in the back of my mind.
i was doing good for a few years, and then sometime within the past year, last August to be exact, i let things start again, but this time i feel i have a better handle on things. i remember sitting and asking my ex to keep my ass in line, that i'm known to get out of hand, i take things too far and i get myself in bad places. he promised to make sure i wouldn't go back to how i was. i'm happy to know i can control my shit on my own these days, because it ended up turning out that it was me trying to keep his ass in line. he changed so much, and i hope one day he realizes things, and gets things better for himself. I can't say i blame him for getting a little out of control with those things, i did the same thing when i was 14 and i did them for the first time, he didn't do anything of those sorts until this past year, and he acted just like i did when i was 14. by the age of 22 though, i think i'm past the losing control of my stuff, and going off the deep end. there's a time and place for those things, and there's a bigger picture now, its time to get my affairs in order and take care of my responsibilites before i go and snort or light up.
drugs don't run my life. and i'm proud to say that. i don't fiend much, and i dont go crazy when someone around me is doing them and i can't. its whatever. i've grown up.
my self harm is not who i am either. it's a choice i make, and it doesn't hurt anyone but myself. i don't let that negative part of my life define who i am. if you met me, you'd have no idea, trust me, there's still some people who have no idea, and they've known me for a long time. i don't want to die, and i don't want attention, it calms me down, puts my anxiety away, and gives me something to focus on. it's something i can control, and i've heard countless times about how dumb, stupid, teenager, and emo it is. i've also heard how awful it is, how i should stop, how this and that, but i've only met 1 person who honestly got me to stop for a little bit. it wasn't because that person asked me to, or demanded it from me, it's because that person understood my issues and helped me deal with and handle them in other ways, that person is amazing. i'm glad i met them and had the honor of having them in my life at one point.
i've been doing it since i was 7, it being 15 years since the first time, it's just normal for me now, and i'm still alive, and as i stated before, it doesnt hurt anyone else, i really see no wrong in it. but everyone has their own opinion.
i don't shove it in people's faces and say HEY LOOK AT WHAT I DO TO MYSELF.
its a personal choice, and something i do to myself.
.could you love me?
could you love mine?
i absolutely hate that i write less and less the better things are in my life.
i have a bunch of composition notebooks that are filled from cover to cover in pure writing all from when i was younger, they're all so angst-y.
i was angry, i was messed up, i was on drugs, i was hurting myself, and i was making bad decisions.
but those things still stand true for some things.
i'm still messed up, i still choose drugs sometimes, and i'm still hurting myself.
the anger has subsided for now, and the bad decisions, well they gave me some wonderful stories to tell during drunken nights.
like the time CiCi and i got all dolled up and ready to go out, then acted like we were sleeping until the parentals were asleep and thought we were sleeping.
then we sat by the window and waited for the neon to park on the corner up the road and flash its headlights.
we responded by using the flashlight. next thing we knew, myyyy boy Ricky was using the 'code' whistle to get our attention. we snuck out and boyyy we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into.
i JUST turned 15, so i barely remember the order of happenings.
but i remember it was 3 nights of naps, drugs, alcohol, and boys. CiCi, how did we survive?
i'll never forget going to walmart with the neon packed with people. too many people that you and i sat on laps in the backseat. hah.
i'll also never forget when i heard the walkie talkie of the employee go off saying about "the white boy" and i knew instantly it was ricky. Passion, You and I quick headed outside, while Frank got the car, and the others went to look after ricky. I remember pulling up along side the road behind the walmart while ricky quick jumped in and we took off as fast as we could. i remember sitting on rickys lap in the car and asking why he was wet.
i laughed so hard when he said it was because the cops chased in through the creek behind walmart. haha.
i'll also never forget when we ended up at rickys. we were so damn young. they were so much older. things shouldn't of happened but they did. ayediosmio.
i remember when they finally went to drive us home, we had to get there soon because CiCi's mom was gunna wake up soon... someone the driver took a wrong turn and we ended up in NJ, paying the toll in all friggen pennies.
i remember the time we hid our one friend Nick in the closet while he rolled for us, because CiCi's dad woke up and came to check on us in the room.
after nick left, i remember smokingggggg up that room, and then we went to make brownies and drinks.
when we came back we realized CiCi's poor dog, KC was left in the room. that dog haddddd to be highhh on our level.
i remember the night Passion, CiCi, and I moved as many matresses into CiCi's bedroom as we could, we filled the whole floor with beds, and just rolled all over. and then we started drinking, and we got into a fight with Easy Cheese. we had that cheesy pastey shit EVERYWHERE. our hair, in the toilet, on the walls. EVERYWHERE.
i remember a lot of good stuff.
but i also remember a lot of stuff a 14-15yr old girl shouldn't of done or had to deal with.
i remember how angry ricky got towards me, i remember Biggie making me worried.
i remember being afraid i got mono, and thinking about how i'd have to tell everyone i kissed that week, and not knowing some of their names, let alone how to get ahold of them.
i remember laying in bed waiting to get a call. we werent sure if it was going to be from Passion, Viper or the cops first. i'll never forget the crying when Viper got locked, and I'll never forget being cold, scared, and wondering what we were going to do.
i remember finding twigs and rocks to mark where the car tires were in the drive way, so when we 'borrowed' CiCi's mom's car, we knew exactly where to put it.
those were the good times. the happy times. but at that same time i was a wreck on the inside.
i always have been for no reason. my anxiety, my ocd, my constant stress has ran my life since i was little.
despite all those good times, i was still locking myself in my bedroom hurting myself in anyway possible.
i drank, i smoked, i cut, i burned myself, i snorted things, i took things, and did whatever i could to not focus on how much i hated things.
in a strange way, i think drama club saved me.
but i know who really saved me.
I give my surviving those years to Ryan my ex, and my deceased friend Mike.
ryan and i started getting serious a few weeks after the whole winterbreak with CiCi thing, and he gave me one person to focus on. i feel like if it wasn't for him, i'd honestly of been pregnant with some random guy's baby. ryan also helped with my life a little bit. it was the first time i ever cared that much about someone. he'll always be that person i look to, i talk to, the one i know i was honestly crazy about. because things were innocent. vcards were lost and such, but not until after a year of being crazy about eachother. things were good in the beginning, but things got really bad towards the end.
see, he's bipolar, and i have ocd and anxiety. we were good for eachother because we understood our issues, but we also let eachother take our problems on one another. he let me do my ocd stuff, and he never talked my anxiety out with me, he let me do what i needed to, which wasn't good. and he took his mood swings out on me something fierce. which caused my shit to go out of wack, and towards the end of our relationship i was in an awful state of mind. and ryan was saying the nastiest things to me that i had ever heard [until i met ed], but ryan really had me feeling bad about myself. it was awful. it took a lot to get out of that relationship, i don't know how i did it.
mike, well, he was always there for me, no matter what i was doing. i have him to thank for my riddlen addiction, and for encouraging me to try and start taking new things, but i also have him to thank for getting my shit under control and for putting my ass in gear, and getting me to deal with my dark passenger and handle my demons. i love him more and more everyday despite him no longer being on this earth. there's honestly not a day that doesn't go by that i don't talk to him, or think about him. <3resteasybabyboy.
this is a pretty emo post, lemme tell ya. but it was bound to come out, i was bound to sit down and discuss things that sit in the back of my mind.
i was doing good for a few years, and then sometime within the past year, last August to be exact, i let things start again, but this time i feel i have a better handle on things. i remember sitting and asking my ex to keep my ass in line, that i'm known to get out of hand, i take things too far and i get myself in bad places. he promised to make sure i wouldn't go back to how i was. i'm happy to know i can control my shit on my own these days, because it ended up turning out that it was me trying to keep his ass in line. he changed so much, and i hope one day he realizes things, and gets things better for himself. I can't say i blame him for getting a little out of control with those things, i did the same thing when i was 14 and i did them for the first time, he didn't do anything of those sorts until this past year, and he acted just like i did when i was 14. by the age of 22 though, i think i'm past the losing control of my stuff, and going off the deep end. there's a time and place for those things, and there's a bigger picture now, its time to get my affairs in order and take care of my responsibilites before i go and snort or light up.
drugs don't run my life. and i'm proud to say that. i don't fiend much, and i dont go crazy when someone around me is doing them and i can't. its whatever. i've grown up.
my self harm is not who i am either. it's a choice i make, and it doesn't hurt anyone but myself. i don't let that negative part of my life define who i am. if you met me, you'd have no idea, trust me, there's still some people who have no idea, and they've known me for a long time. i don't want to die, and i don't want attention, it calms me down, puts my anxiety away, and gives me something to focus on. it's something i can control, and i've heard countless times about how dumb, stupid, teenager, and emo it is. i've also heard how awful it is, how i should stop, how this and that, but i've only met 1 person who honestly got me to stop for a little bit. it wasn't because that person asked me to, or demanded it from me, it's because that person understood my issues and helped me deal with and handle them in other ways, that person is amazing. i'm glad i met them and had the honor of having them in my life at one point.
i've been doing it since i was 7, it being 15 years since the first time, it's just normal for me now, and i'm still alive, and as i stated before, it doesnt hurt anyone else, i really see no wrong in it. but everyone has their own opinion.
i don't shove it in people's faces and say HEY LOOK AT WHAT I DO TO MYSELF.
its a personal choice, and something i do to myself.
there's someone i've been missin,
i think that they could be, the better half of me.
they're in the wrong place,
so i'll say
"come home, come home, because i've been waiting for you for so long"
baby i'm just dreamin' out loud;
come home.
i'm not sure what else there is to really write about right now.
i've put down a lot of things in one post.
see how much i write when i talk about bad things?
but when things are going fantastic i don't have much to write.
twisted?
Friday, November 30, 2012
everything to me, the unrequited dream.
1.) real name: NOPE. TOO PRIVATE.
2.) nickname: DiaBlo, Valley
3.) zodiac sign: Virgo!
4.) male/female: Female
5.) elementary school: Arlington
6.) middle school: Sburg & Ptown
7.) high school: Ptown
8.) natural hair color: brownnn.
9.) tall or short: uh, average? 5'6
10.) sweats or jeans: jeans
11.) 5 best friends: Courtney, Erika, Joey, Nick,
12.) phone or camera: phone with a camera duhh
13.) health freak: nope.
14.) orange or apple: oranges
15.) do you have a crush on someone? pretty much.
16.) eat or drink: drink water.
17.) piercings: 22.
18.) pepsi or coke: pepsi, if i have to choose.
Have you ever?
19.) been in an airplane: never, but 13 days!
20.) been in a relationship: ya
21.) been in a car accident: yes. totaled my car.
22.) been in a fist fight: nope
23.) first piercing: ears
24.) first best friend: Caroline
25.) first award: uh? iunno.
26.) first crush: Travis
27.) last person you talked to in person: erika
28.) last person you text: cameron
29.) last person you watched a movie with: erika
30.) last food you ate: buffalo chicken pizza
31.) last movie you watched: magic mike for the 10th time.
32.) last song you listened to: slipknot.
33.) last thing you bought: jeans
34.) last person you hugged: i think i ran and jumped on Lee?
Favorites!
35.) favorite food: tie between mac and cheese and liver.
36.) drink: waterrrr, or rum.
37.) bottoms: jeans.
38.) flower: daisies win my heart.
39.) animal: ratties and kitties.
40.) color: true blue!
41.) movies: alice, breakfast at tiffanys, eternal sunshine, beauty and the beast
42.) subject: Writing
Put an "x" in the bracket if yes
43.) [x] fallen in love
44.) [x] celebrated halloween
45.) [x] had your heart broken
46.) [x] went over minutes/texts on your cell phone
47.) [x] had someone like you
48.) [ ] got pregnant
49.) [ ] had an abortion
50.) [x] did something you regret
51.) [x] broke a promise
52.) [x] hid a secret
53.) [x] pretended to be happy
54.) [x] met someone who change your life
55.) [x] pretended to be sick
56.) [ ] left the country
57.) [x] tried something you normally wouldnt do and liked it
58.) [x] cried over the silliest thing
59.) [x] ran a mile
60.) [x] went to the beach with your best friends
61.) [x] got into an agruement with your friend
62.) [x] hated someone
63.) [] stayed single for two years
Currently:
64.) eating: nada
65.) drinking: peace tea!
66.) listening to: vermillion pt2
67.) sitting or laying: on erika's couch.
68.) plans for today: nada.
69.) waiting: to go to kansas.
Your future:
70.) want kids: atleast 2.
71.) want to get married: yes.
72.) career: trying to make a difference in a teen's life.
Relationships:
73.) Lips or eyes: Eyes
74.) shorter or taller: definitely taller.
75.) romantic or spontaneous: spontaneously romantic
76.) hook-up or relationship: as said by kelly clarkson, "I do not hook up, I fall deep"
77.) interracial or same race: doesn't matter to me.
78.) long distance or near you: near would be preferable, but you can't help who you want to be with.
79.) look or personality: i have to be physically attracted to the person, but they havee to have a decent personality
Have you ever?
80.) lost glasses/ contacts: i still don't know where my glasses are.
81.) snuck out of the house: yesss
82.) held a gun/knife in self defense: yess.
83.) killed somebody: no.
84.) broken someones heart: yes.
85.) been in love: mm.
86.) cried when someone died: i still cry.
Do you believe in?
87.) yourself: i try to.
88.) miracles: no.
89.) love at first sight: no
90.) santa claus: i wish.
91.) aliens: sure
92.) ghosts/ spirits: yep
Truthfully:
93.) is there one person you want to be with right now?: cam.
94.) do you know who your real friends are? i keep finding out who they are everyday.
95.) have you ever been cheated on? yea.
2.) nickname: DiaBlo, Valley
3.) zodiac sign: Virgo!
4.) male/female: Female
5.) elementary school: Arlington
6.) middle school: Sburg & Ptown
7.) high school: Ptown
8.) natural hair color: brownnn.
9.) tall or short: uh, average? 5'6
10.) sweats or jeans: jeans
11.) 5 best friends: Courtney, Erika, Joey, Nick,
12.) phone or camera: phone with a camera duhh
13.) health freak: nope.
14.) orange or apple: oranges
15.) do you have a crush on someone? pretty much.
16.) eat or drink: drink water.
17.) piercings: 22.
18.) pepsi or coke: pepsi, if i have to choose.
Have you ever?
19.) been in an airplane: never, but 13 days!
20.) been in a relationship: ya
21.) been in a car accident: yes. totaled my car.
22.) been in a fist fight: nope
23.) first piercing: ears
24.) first best friend: Caroline
25.) first award: uh? iunno.
26.) first crush: Travis
27.) last person you talked to in person: erika
28.) last person you text: cameron
29.) last person you watched a movie with: erika
30.) last food you ate: buffalo chicken pizza
31.) last movie you watched: magic mike for the 10th time.
32.) last song you listened to: slipknot.
33.) last thing you bought: jeans
34.) last person you hugged: i think i ran and jumped on Lee?
Favorites!
35.) favorite food: tie between mac and cheese and liver.
36.) drink: waterrrr, or rum.
37.) bottoms: jeans.
38.) flower: daisies win my heart.
39.) animal: ratties and kitties.
40.) color: true blue!
41.) movies: alice, breakfast at tiffanys, eternal sunshine, beauty and the beast
42.) subject: Writing
Put an "x" in the bracket if yes
43.) [x] fallen in love
44.) [x] celebrated halloween
45.) [x] had your heart broken
46.) [x] went over minutes/texts on your cell phone
47.) [x] had someone like you
48.) [ ] got pregnant
49.) [ ] had an abortion
50.) [x] did something you regret
51.) [x] broke a promise
52.) [x] hid a secret
53.) [x] pretended to be happy
54.) [x] met someone who change your life
55.) [x] pretended to be sick
56.) [ ] left the country
57.) [x] tried something you normally wouldnt do and liked it
58.) [x] cried over the silliest thing
59.) [x] ran a mile
60.) [x] went to the beach with your best friends
61.) [x] got into an agruement with your friend
62.) [x] hated someone
63.) [] stayed single for two years
Currently:
64.) eating: nada
65.) drinking: peace tea!
66.) listening to: vermillion pt2
67.) sitting or laying: on erika's couch.
68.) plans for today: nada.
69.) waiting: to go to kansas.
Your future:
70.) want kids: atleast 2.
71.) want to get married: yes.
72.) career: trying to make a difference in a teen's life.
Relationships:
73.) Lips or eyes: Eyes
74.) shorter or taller: definitely taller.
75.) romantic or spontaneous: spontaneously romantic
76.) hook-up or relationship: as said by kelly clarkson, "I do not hook up, I fall deep"
77.) interracial or same race: doesn't matter to me.
78.) long distance or near you: near would be preferable, but you can't help who you want to be with.
79.) look or personality: i have to be physically attracted to the person, but they havee to have a decent personality
Have you ever?
80.) lost glasses/ contacts: i still don't know where my glasses are.
81.) snuck out of the house: yesss
82.) held a gun/knife in self defense: yess.
83.) killed somebody: no.
84.) broken someones heart: yes.
85.) been in love: mm.
86.) cried when someone died: i still cry.
Do you believe in?
87.) yourself: i try to.
88.) miracles: no.
89.) love at first sight: no
90.) santa claus: i wish.
91.) aliens: sure
92.) ghosts/ spirits: yep
Truthfully:
93.) is there one person you want to be with right now?: cam.
94.) do you know who your real friends are? i keep finding out who they are everyday.
95.) have you ever been cheated on? yea.
give them hell.
1. THE BASICS... Name?
private
2. Gender?
lady.
3. Sexuality?
i like men.
4. Age?
22
5. Height?
license says 5'6
6. Weight?
gotta get rid of 20lbs and then we'll talk.
7. Eye color?
brownbrownbroowwnnn with green.
8. Hair color?
ugly crapbrown color.
9. Race?
i don't run.
10. Piercings?
22 as of right now.
11. Where?
right ear: 4 lobe, industrial, tragus.
left ear: 4 lobe, 2 helix, rook.
random: tongue, navel, 3 dermals on each hip.
12. Tattoos?
none yet, one planned.
13. YOUR CRUSH... How long have you known this person?
known of him? a while.
started liking him? October.
14. How did you meet this person?
mall run in.
15. What made you like him/her?
really not sure.
16. Does (s)he have any piercings?
nahh.
17. Does (s)he have any tattoos?
one.
18. Smoker or nonsmoker?
"quitting."
19. Favorite thing about this person?
his smile. ddefffinitely.
and his laugh.
20. Does (s)he know you like him/her?
i suppose he does.
21. Does (s)he like you, too?
i hope so.
22. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE... Color?
alice and tiffany blue.
23. Flower?
daisies own my heart.
24. Type of pants?
jeans
25. Type of shoes?
sneakers is where its at.
26. Tv show?
aye. uhh, its a good tie between true blood and greys anatomy.
27. Song?
well, that would be a tie also. Wish you were here-Pink Floyd, Breakfast at Tiffanys-Deep Blue Something
28. Movie?
tietietie. Alice In Wonderland disney version, Breakfast at Tiffanys, Beauty and the Beast, Eternal Sunshine and Casablanca
29. Food?
anything edible. i favor mac and cheese and liver the most though.
30. Game?
i really like poker.
31. Candy?
eh, not so much at all.
32. Book?
White Fang, Through the Looking Glass, In Cold Blood
33. Place to go?
the lake.
34. Website?
most visited is facebook and this blog.
35. THIS OR THAT... Burger King or McDonald's?
ew, mcdonalds hands down.
36. Subway or Firehouse Subs?
subway
37. KFC or Popeye's?
hmm. kkfffcccc
38. Pizza Hut or Domino's?
oivay. uhh. little ceasers!
39. Chocolate or vanilla?
chocolate.
40. PINK TEAM OR BLUE TEAM?
blue.
41. White or black?
little racist arent we?
42. Dark or light?
both.
43. Right or left?
right, always right.
44. Wet or dry?
depends what we're talking about. ^_^
45. Cold or hot?
hot.
46. Sunny or rainy?
sunnnnyyyyyyy
47. On or off?
depends.
48. Top or bottom?
^_^ knees.
49. Up or down?
i like it when my moods up.
50. Against a wall or against a door?
WHICH EVER ;)
51. In the closet or out?
i'm in.
52. Covered or uncovered?
covered.
53. Radio or cd?
depends.
54. Sony PSP or Nintendo DS Lite?
psp
55. AIM or MSN?
aim.
56. Laptop or desktop?
laptop always.
57. Private or public?
private.
58. Rich or poor?
either, as long as im happy.
59. Love or money?
love. no doubt.
60. Sharp or dull?
sharp.
61. Hard or soft?
depends.
62. Thick or thin?
this is getting out of hand
63. Long or short?
enough.
64. Water or fire?
water.
65. Crayola or Rose Art?
this shouldnt even be a question, crayola always wins.
66. Emails or letters?
letters.
67. Sidekick or Blackberry?
sidekick
68. Prepaid or monthly?
prepaidmonthly
69. MTV or BET?
bet
70. LAST... Picture you took?
me sitting here taking this survey.
71. Thing you bought?
the jeans i'm wearing.
72. Person you talked to?
verbally, erika. non verbally, cameron
73. Person you called?
not sure. joey?
74. Person who called you?
not sure.
75. Text message you received?
":)" from boy.
76. Text message you sent?
"Awe. God damn. Too cute."
77. Clothes you wore?
cookie monster shirt, mismatched zebra socks and skinny jeans.
78. Type of underwear you wore?
none.
79. Thing you said?
thanks erika.
80. Show you watched?
GLEE
81. Place you went?
jcpenneys.
82. Thought you had?
THIS NEEDS TO END.
83. Dream you had?
too fucking weird. NO.
84. HOW MANY DO YOU OWN?
Cell phones?
lol. just 1 now. they keep breaking.
SOMEONE BUY ME A CELLPHONE.
85. TVs?
1
86. Computers?
1
87. Dvd players?
2 if you count my xbox.
88. VCRs?
1
89. CDs?
too many to keep track of.
90. DVDs?
haha, im not counting.
91. Pairs of shoes?
a few.
92. Belts?
2 i'm always wearing and 2 that have a sentimental meaning to me.
93. Watches?
none =[
94. Rings?
a promise ring, a pre engagement ring, and a claudaugh ring. wear these three every day.
others i have are nothing important.
95. Necklaces/chains?
i wear the one edward gave me every day. wonderlandish.
but i own a bunch, guitar picks, a 'bestill&know7.22" and a heart from bryan.
96. Bracelets/wristbands?
hairties.
97. AND FINALLY... Do you regret taking this survey?
yes.
98. Are you glad it's almost over?
kinda.
99. Would you do it all over again?
probably, i have nothing else to do.
100. Will you post it on your page?
ya.
we've always been headed seperate ways.
become i'm MAD bored, and i came across these and NEEDED to change my answers.
i needdd to update my life.
SURVEYS RULE.
i needdd to update my life.
SURVEYS RULE.
Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love with?
i had some growing up to do. and the general consensus between us two, is we need to stay separate.
What was your last text about?
quitting smoking.
Could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life?
not quite sure whose hurt me the most in life. s-no way. e-no way. r-we're friends now.
The person you last kissed finds someone new, what is your reaction?
i'd be pretty hurt honestly.
Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?
no. =[ got another 13 days.
Person of the opposite sex you can tell everything too?
Edward Layne knows absolutely everything, Jared Allen knows a lot too.
What is the background on your cell?
Cameron in a beanie and sweatshirt.
How about your computer?
Cameron smoking a cigarette.
Has someone that you liked told you that you are a waste of time?
one person told me i was truly fucked up and needed serious help.
the other person told me i should just kill myself.
these were two people i loved very much.
Is there someone of the opposite sex that means a lot to you?
my brother means everything and the world to me.
Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
we talk as much as we can. i'm sure we'll be texting tonight.
Have you consumed alcohol in the past 24 hours?
drink.drank.drUnked last night.
Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that started with D?
ya, a few.
Will you be up before 7 AM tomorrow?
not at all. no class, no work. nuffin. i'm SLEEPING.
Who is the last person you were in a car with?
Myself.
What were you doing at 8am this morning?
opening a text from Cameron that made me smile :D
What will you be doing in 3 hours?
maybe going out with the ladies?
How often do you straighten your hair?
a lot
What are you currently looking forward to?
classes being over, and winter break.
OH AND SEEING CAMERON IN KANSAS!
Is tomorrow gonna be a good day?
hoping its better than today was.
What are you going to do?
nothing. maybe clean and work on some school stuff.
Have you dated the person you texted last?
i am right now. its been 3 weeks, yay us.
Are you satisfied with your life as of now?
i wouldn't change much.
What do you miss about your past?
i didn't care so much about things.
What do you carry with you at all times?
myheart.
Where was the last place you went besides your house?
jcpennys.
Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
Cameron or Sam, not sure.
Did you feel awkward at all today?
not today, last night yes, but not today.
In the next 6 months, what are you looking forward to most?
right now all i can focus on is going to Kansas.
Are you planning on seeing any movies in theatre?
nope.
Have you ever gone out of your way to make someone happy?
always.
Is there someone who can ALWAYS make you smile?
Nick Bock, and Sam, those boys are wonderful.
Dinah always made me smile. i miss her so much.
Have you fallen apart before?
i'm never together.
If you had the chance to travel back in time, would you?
i'd like to see mike and my grandfather again. yesyesyes. please?
What’s on your mind?
writing.
How late did you stay up last night?
went to bed at 7am.
Is there anything you want to tell someone but you can’t?
i wouldn't know where to start.
Does it bother you when people respond with one word texts?
yes.
Is there anyone who hates you?
I'm sure.
Are you thinking about anyone?
yes.
Do you miss the way things used to be?
Sometimes.
Your last kiss, on a bed or standing?
standing, on the side of the road. #SaddestThingEver
Have you ever had to spend the night at a hospital?
yes. ugh.
Are you currently trying to get over someone?
neh.
Have you dated someone with longer hair than yours?
nope.
Which room in your house tends to be the coldest in the winter time?
my living room.
Who were you with the last time you went out for food?
Joey, Eli, Devlin, George. love them boys.
Have you ever fallen asleep on someone’s shoulder?
yes.
Have you stayed up past 3 AM in the past week?
a lot.
Are you single?
not even a little bit. so don't even try.
Someone tells you you’re beautiful, what do you say?
you're funny.
Is it okay to kiss people when you’re single?
i have no room to judge anyone about this. at all. wrong person to ask.
Can money buy happiness?
even if it could, i'm broke.
How many people do you trust one hundred percent?
none. everyone hurts me and lets me down somehow.
if they haven't, they will eventually.
i don't even trust myself with myself.
Do you ignore people when you’re mad/upset with them?
only when i'm extremely hurt.
Do you sleep with a fan on?
fans and i don't mix.
a boy got kicked, and called awful names, and afan got turned off RIGHT before it was about to go out the window.
and they remind me of that boy. fans? no thanks.
What if you dropped your phone in a puddle?
nope. worse, piss filled toilet.
Are you a heart breaker?
certified. apparently.
Is it ever too late to apologize?
never too late to do it, but it can be too late for it to mean anything.
Who was the last person who left your life and hurt you?
left and hurt me? honestly? edward.
Do you know any of your neighbors?
at my momma's house? YES!
apt? nahh.
Where is the person who has your heart?
heart is where i am.
Are you in a complicated relationship?
not anymore.
Have you ever felt like you literally needed someone?
yes.
Does anyone disgust you?
yes.
If you could, would you punch the last person to hold your hand?
not at all.
If your ex was in trouble and you were the only one that could help him/her, would you?
without a doubt.
When is the next time you will kiss someone on the lips?
13 days?
Would you rather kiss someone 5 years older or 5 years younger than you?
Older.
I bet you miss somebody right now?
too much it's disgusting.
Do you believe ex’s can be friends?
sometimes, maybe.
Have you ever let someone be your everything?
yes. it was wonderful.
Have you cried today at all?
it's been 3 weeks, and i'm liking that.
Do you eat raw cookie dough?
Yes!
Do you have a job?
not really.
Your relationship status?
how many times do i have to state that i'm in a relationship.
Are you currently jealous?
always. of everything. right now, i'm jealous of Kansas.
Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yerp.
Does your hair have layers?
it does.
Do you tend to hold grudges?
i try, real hard sometiems because i should, but i really can't.
When you say you don’t care do you mean it?
depends.
Do you want to start over with anyone?
deep down, not at all.
Do you believe in second chances?
aye mio. i do. i hand out extra chances like they're on sale.
Have you kissed anyone this year that actually meant something?
meant more than anything.
Have you ever kissed an ex after you two have broken up?
yes.
Do you trust all of your friends?
No.
Done anything illegal in the past month?
no, but its crossed my mind.
Is there someone you wouldn’t mind kissing right now?
Mr. Johnny Depp would be quite nice.
What do you want to be when your older?
besides be happy, i want to make a difference in student's lives.
Favorite color?
blue.
When was the last time you saw your father?
a week or so ago.
How fast does your mood change?
pretty darn fast.
i had some growing up to do. and the general consensus between us two, is we need to stay separate.
What was your last text about?
quitting smoking.
Could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life?
not quite sure whose hurt me the most in life. s-no way. e-no way. r-we're friends now.
The person you last kissed finds someone new, what is your reaction?
i'd be pretty hurt honestly.
Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?
no. =[ got another 13 days.
Person of the opposite sex you can tell everything too?
Edward Layne knows absolutely everything, Jared Allen knows a lot too.
What is the background on your cell?
Cameron in a beanie and sweatshirt.
How about your computer?
Cameron smoking a cigarette.
Has someone that you liked told you that you are a waste of time?
one person told me i was truly fucked up and needed serious help.
the other person told me i should just kill myself.
these were two people i loved very much.
Is there someone of the opposite sex that means a lot to you?
my brother means everything and the world to me.
Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
we talk as much as we can. i'm sure we'll be texting tonight.
Have you consumed alcohol in the past 24 hours?
drink.drank.drUnked last night.
Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that started with D?
ya, a few.
Will you be up before 7 AM tomorrow?
not at all. no class, no work. nuffin. i'm SLEEPING.
Who is the last person you were in a car with?
Myself.
What were you doing at 8am this morning?
opening a text from Cameron that made me smile :D
What will you be doing in 3 hours?
maybe going out with the ladies?
How often do you straighten your hair?
a lot
What are you currently looking forward to?
classes being over, and winter break.
OH AND SEEING CAMERON IN KANSAS!
Is tomorrow gonna be a good day?
hoping its better than today was.
What are you going to do?
nothing. maybe clean and work on some school stuff.
Have you dated the person you texted last?
i am right now. its been 3 weeks, yay us.
Are you satisfied with your life as of now?
i wouldn't change much.
What do you miss about your past?
i didn't care so much about things.
What do you carry with you at all times?
myheart.
Where was the last place you went besides your house?
jcpennys.
Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
Cameron or Sam, not sure.
Did you feel awkward at all today?
not today, last night yes, but not today.
In the next 6 months, what are you looking forward to most?
right now all i can focus on is going to Kansas.
Are you planning on seeing any movies in theatre?
nope.
Have you ever gone out of your way to make someone happy?
always.
Is there someone who can ALWAYS make you smile?
Nick Bock, and Sam, those boys are wonderful.
Dinah always made me smile. i miss her so much.
Have you fallen apart before?
i'm never together.
If you had the chance to travel back in time, would you?
i'd like to see mike and my grandfather again. yesyesyes. please?
What’s on your mind?
writing.
How late did you stay up last night?
went to bed at 7am.
Is there anything you want to tell someone but you can’t?
i wouldn't know where to start.
Does it bother you when people respond with one word texts?
yes.
Is there anyone who hates you?
I'm sure.
Are you thinking about anyone?
yes.
Do you miss the way things used to be?
Sometimes.
Your last kiss, on a bed or standing?
standing, on the side of the road. #SaddestThingEver
Have you ever had to spend the night at a hospital?
yes. ugh.
Are you currently trying to get over someone?
neh.
Have you dated someone with longer hair than yours?
nope.
Which room in your house tends to be the coldest in the winter time?
my living room.
Who were you with the last time you went out for food?
Joey, Eli, Devlin, George. love them boys.
Have you ever fallen asleep on someone’s shoulder?
yes.
Have you stayed up past 3 AM in the past week?
a lot.
Are you single?
not even a little bit. so don't even try.
Someone tells you you’re beautiful, what do you say?
you're funny.
Is it okay to kiss people when you’re single?
i have no room to judge anyone about this. at all. wrong person to ask.
Can money buy happiness?
even if it could, i'm broke.
How many people do you trust one hundred percent?
none. everyone hurts me and lets me down somehow.
if they haven't, they will eventually.
i don't even trust myself with myself.
Do you ignore people when you’re mad/upset with them?
only when i'm extremely hurt.
Do you sleep with a fan on?
fans and i don't mix.
a boy got kicked, and called awful names, and afan got turned off RIGHT before it was about to go out the window.
and they remind me of that boy. fans? no thanks.
What if you dropped your phone in a puddle?
nope. worse, piss filled toilet.
Are you a heart breaker?
certified. apparently.
Is it ever too late to apologize?
never too late to do it, but it can be too late for it to mean anything.
Who was the last person who left your life and hurt you?
left and hurt me? honestly? edward.
Do you know any of your neighbors?
at my momma's house? YES!
apt? nahh.
Where is the person who has your heart?
heart is where i am.
Are you in a complicated relationship?
not anymore.
Have you ever felt like you literally needed someone?
yes.
Does anyone disgust you?
yes.
If you could, would you punch the last person to hold your hand?
not at all.
If your ex was in trouble and you were the only one that could help him/her, would you?
without a doubt.
When is the next time you will kiss someone on the lips?
13 days?
Would you rather kiss someone 5 years older or 5 years younger than you?
Older.
I bet you miss somebody right now?
too much it's disgusting.
Do you believe ex’s can be friends?
sometimes, maybe.
Have you ever let someone be your everything?
yes. it was wonderful.
Have you cried today at all?
it's been 3 weeks, and i'm liking that.
Do you eat raw cookie dough?
Yes!
Do you have a job?
not really.
Your relationship status?
how many times do i have to state that i'm in a relationship.
Are you currently jealous?
always. of everything. right now, i'm jealous of Kansas.
Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yerp.
Does your hair have layers?
it does.
Do you tend to hold grudges?
i try, real hard sometiems because i should, but i really can't.
When you say you don’t care do you mean it?
depends.
Do you want to start over with anyone?
deep down, not at all.
Do you believe in second chances?
aye mio. i do. i hand out extra chances like they're on sale.
Have you kissed anyone this year that actually meant something?
meant more than anything.
Have you ever kissed an ex after you two have broken up?
yes.
Do you trust all of your friends?
No.
Done anything illegal in the past month?
no, but its crossed my mind.
Is there someone you wouldn’t mind kissing right now?
Mr. Johnny Depp would be quite nice.
What do you want to be when your older?
besides be happy, i want to make a difference in student's lives.
Favorite color?
blue.
When was the last time you saw your father?
a week or so ago.
How fast does your mood change?
pretty darn fast.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)