be still and know
crap he use to feed me.
nope. not him. getting on...
"like a champ."
love when things are described as doing them 'like a champ'.
this has made my day. lmfao.
moving on quickly...
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
drink me, eat me.
i recently talked about not being able to see my boy until hopefully January, but definitely March.
and how i'd love to have the phone call that says "See you Soon baby."
and how it'd be forever until i get that.
apparently i was wrong.
in 15 days
December 13th i'll be getting on a plane with my best friend
and flying to Atlanta, GA for a layover, waiting an hour,
and then getting on another plane and landing in Kansas City.
My bestie and I will be met at the airport by a wonderful ginger friend [who i believe does have a soul]
and then driven 2.5 hours away to
SEEEEEE MMMYYY BOYYYFRIENNDDD!
oh.my.god.
aye.dios.mio.
what good karma did i give out lately that i'm getting this handed back to me?
i'm excited for a whole bunch of reasons.
1. i didn't plan on seeing him for over a month, maybe even 3 months, let alone only 2 weeks.
2. I get to travel with my best friend. she's lovely.
3. i've never ever everrrr been on a plane before. it's pretty scary shit, but something i've wanted to do.
4. i've never been outside of the East Coast.
5. did i mention i get to see my boyfriend for 3 days?
i'd say that these 15 days are going to go by so damn slow and take forever,
but the next week of school is all last minute work, and then the week leading up to seeing him i have finals to focus on.
so these 15 days aren't going to be so bad after all. i'll be busy with school work, and there's even a few days he goes to the field to do somethings. so we'll both be kept busy.
i'm happy.at this moment, no. since october, i've had this sort of happiness just sitting near me. i never saw it coming, but sometimes when you least expect it, something shows up and changes everything.
one question i've been left pondering though is, why him?
which sounds god awful, but i don't mean it in a bad way.
for the past year i've been focused on my ex, but have had numerous guys try and show me a better time, try and get me over my ex, and try to get my attention.
dave pulled every stunt he could, corey tried countless times, gregg took me on the whole formal date status, mike was always there for my dark times, joey always was there to help me, and i'm sure there was a couple others that never backed down.
dave and mike filled voids for me. mike was just for attention, and dave i cared about and appreciated every little thing including the showing up random places to see me. gregg was too nice and didn't talk enough, i like a guy to be outgoing and grab my attention, he didn't at all. hmm,. corey? i'm not sure why, there's just something i don't like about him. i think he believes he's better than most people, and i don't like that at all. huge turnoff. joey, well we dated a long time ago, and i think ever since then i dont see him the same. he's my brother, and i'd do anything for him, he's hurt me tremendously and done things to me no bestbrotherfriend should, but there's history, i can't walk away from that just yet.
so why cameron? absolutely no idea. maybe because he didn't push to be with me. he didn't see it going in that direction ever, and he was just there to talk to towards the end.
hell, it's not even like i talked to him ever up until this past september.
all i really knew him as was the person my ex would skype with while i did the dirty with him off camera.
i have a twisted sense of humor, don't judge me.
anyways, when i did start talking to Cameron on my own, it meant nothing to me, and i don't think it meant much to him either. it was casual talking, that lead to a drunken skype night, which lead to jokingly marrying on facebook, which then lead to me hitting on him, and then him coming here, and us dating.
he sort of gave me something all the other guys didn't,
he gave me nothing. he gave me my space, he was just a friend talking to me with no extra motive
with no intention or desire to date me. he heard the shit i had to rant about, and gave me unbiased answers.
he made me not want to even talk about my ex. i found myself not wanting to waste time talking to him about stupid things, and i wanted to talk about other things.
crazy how things work, yet again.
i cannot wait to see him in 15 days.
i'm happy.
that's all. that's the only word i can really keep using. i'm having trouble describing how i feel,
and that rarely ever happens. any boy that makes it hard for me to explain how i feel is dangerous.
[i'll reference simba yet again]
I LAUGH IN THE FACE OF DANGER. ha-ha-ha.!
i got stuff i gotta do. and i'm hungry. i'm feeling better today, and i slept good last night.
my last anxiety attack during my sleep was at my dad's house.
maybe we can keep this going hmm? no anxiety ftw?
and how i'd love to have the phone call that says "See you Soon baby."
and how it'd be forever until i get that.
apparently i was wrong.
in 15 days
December 13th i'll be getting on a plane with my best friend
and flying to Atlanta, GA for a layover, waiting an hour,
and then getting on another plane and landing in Kansas City.
My bestie and I will be met at the airport by a wonderful ginger friend [who i believe does have a soul]
and then driven 2.5 hours away to
SEEEEEE MMMYYY BOYYYFRIENNDDD!
oh.my.god.
aye.dios.mio.
what good karma did i give out lately that i'm getting this handed back to me?
i'm excited for a whole bunch of reasons.
1. i didn't plan on seeing him for over a month, maybe even 3 months, let alone only 2 weeks.
2. I get to travel with my best friend. she's lovely.
3. i've never ever everrrr been on a plane before. it's pretty scary shit, but something i've wanted to do.
4. i've never been outside of the East Coast.
5. did i mention i get to see my boyfriend for 3 days?
i'd say that these 15 days are going to go by so damn slow and take forever,
but the next week of school is all last minute work, and then the week leading up to seeing him i have finals to focus on.
so these 15 days aren't going to be so bad after all. i'll be busy with school work, and there's even a few days he goes to the field to do somethings. so we'll both be kept busy.
i'm happy.
one question i've been left pondering though is, why him?
which sounds god awful, but i don't mean it in a bad way.
for the past year i've been focused on my ex, but have had numerous guys try and show me a better time, try and get me over my ex, and try to get my attention.
dave pulled every stunt he could, corey tried countless times, gregg took me on the whole formal date status, mike was always there for my dark times, joey always was there to help me, and i'm sure there was a couple others that never backed down.
dave and mike filled voids for me. mike was just for attention, and dave i cared about and appreciated every little thing including the showing up random places to see me. gregg was too nice and didn't talk enough, i like a guy to be outgoing and grab my attention, he didn't at all. hmm,. corey? i'm not sure why, there's just something i don't like about him. i think he believes he's better than most people, and i don't like that at all. huge turnoff. joey, well we dated a long time ago, and i think ever since then i dont see him the same. he's my brother, and i'd do anything for him, he's hurt me tremendously and done things to me no bestbrotherfriend should, but there's history, i can't walk away from that just yet.
so why cameron? absolutely no idea. maybe because he didn't push to be with me. he didn't see it going in that direction ever, and he was just there to talk to towards the end.
hell, it's not even like i talked to him ever up until this past september.
all i really knew him as was the person my ex would skype with while i did the dirty with him off camera.
i have a twisted sense of humor, don't judge me.
anyways, when i did start talking to Cameron on my own, it meant nothing to me, and i don't think it meant much to him either. it was casual talking, that lead to a drunken skype night, which lead to jokingly marrying on facebook, which then lead to me hitting on him, and then him coming here, and us dating.
he sort of gave me something all the other guys didn't,
he gave me nothing. he gave me my space, he was just a friend talking to me with no extra motive
with no intention or desire to date me. he heard the shit i had to rant about, and gave me unbiased answers.
he made me not want to even talk about my ex. i found myself not wanting to waste time talking to him about stupid things, and i wanted to talk about other things.
crazy how things work, yet again.
i cannot wait to see him in 15 days.
i'm happy.
that's all. that's the only word i can really keep using. i'm having trouble describing how i feel,
and that rarely ever happens. any boy that makes it hard for me to explain how i feel is dangerous.
[i'll reference simba yet again]
I LAUGH IN THE FACE OF DANGER. ha-ha-ha.!
i got stuff i gotta do. and i'm hungry. i'm feeling better today, and i slept good last night.
my last anxiety attack during my sleep was at my dad's house.
maybe we can keep this going hmm? no anxiety ftw?
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
ravens, writing desks, tea parties and a white rabbit.
just give me a little ecstasy and this brunette will be set for a wonderlandish adventure.
now, getting to the point of this post!
somethings are going right for me. and i'm not understanding why. maybe i'm pure idiot for even questioning it, but its too much, all at once. i'd love to enjoy it, but i'm too busy standing guarded being scared.
this isn't me. i blame him. i've always been raw, unguarded, no walls, an open book. but the last guy really did a number on me, just like i'm sure i did a number on him. i regret a lot, but regret doesn't get anyone anywhere in life. i just know that this time around, i'm doing things differently; i know what i'm capable of and why i didn't do it this last time i'll never really know. i'd hate him for those times he swore everything, just for me to find out he was lying, and i hate him for those nights i needed someone and he was never there. but i also hate myself for always running to dave, i hate myself for always giving in and taking him back. but i'm hating myself even now for the changes he's made to me.
he has a note somewhere stashed away in his nightstand next to a cardboard petco box, stuffed behind otterbox cases, my lighters, and his 420 pipe cleaner,
probably crumbled up, burned and torn a little. it'll probably never see the light of day again but on that paper is everything that i was before last June. everything i loved about myself, and everything that i stood for, wanted out of life, everything i was, and still wish i could be.
even if that paper doesn't exist to anyone else, it existed to us. even though he never saw that person on that paper, i know for a fact i can be, i am capable of being that person.
let me explain a little more, since that is so vague. you're probably lost.
i've always been good with words, good with writing, good with expressing myself, explaining and being openly honest with people in writing. it's the easiest way for me to express myself. and i did it for my ex a few times. he'd wake me up, i'd watch him get ready for work, he'd kiss me, say goodbye and he'd leave for work around 4am every morning. it was our routine, and i loved it. i'd fall back to sleep, and depending on the day i'd wake up, go to work, or wake up, talk to his mom, play video games and wait for him to get home.
but a few times, i laid in bed and wrote him long notes about how much i cared, or how much i wanted this or that for us, what i wanted out of our relationship, and how i felt we could get there. i'd then make our bed, leave the note on his side, and leave for work.
the note that's stashed away in his night stand described me perfectly, before i let him and other things get the best of me.
something he hated about me, something he always called me out on, and wanted to change about me;
"life isn't a fairytale, love isn't a fairytale, when you stop thinking it is, we'll actually work"
he was wrong, on so many levels. he never understood a damn fucking word i meant. he understood me on so many levels, but he never understood me on that one.
let me explain even MORE-
i've had bad relationships, and i mean, terrible, even putting my most recent ex aside.
i've been hurt, i've cried, i once made the decision to date my bestttt friend [who was a guy] just to have him cheat on me 3 days into the relationship. i've dealt with guys who pushed my limits, and tried to get me to do things i didn't want to. i've been with a guy who i shared with my 2 good friends at the same time. i've dealt with guys who thought hitting me was the answer, and guys who thought lying was the only way.
but i've had guys who thought the sun shined out of my ass, that thought i was amazing, gorgeous, wonderful. guys who swore they loved me, and guys who would do absolutely anything for me.
i've also had amazing relationships where it was an equal balance of power, a great understanding of eachother, and relationships that seemed perfect.
i'm a sucker for that happy romance shit. i believe in it wholeheartedly and that's something my ex always tried to get me to let go of. that paper thats wrinked and written in my best handwriting simply states things such as
i believe in the innocence of love. i believe love IS patient, and kind, and the right kind can make the world better. i believe that people are good, the world is good, that positive energy and people can make a person's bad day better.
that note goes on to say things such as:
i believe in love. i believe in putting someone else before myself, i live for making other people happy, their happiness is my happiness. i live for being cute, and being passionate with the right people. i enjoy sex just like many other people, but i hold sex to a high standard and unfortunately not many people my age see it my way. i don't believe in sex with just one person, but i also don't believe sex should be spread around, should be open game with anyone. i respect myself, and wish guys to respect me as well. I'm not going to sleep with randoms just for 10 minutes of feeling great. i'll hate myself after. i'd rather spend countless 10 minutes with 1 person who makes me feel amazing about myself. i'd like to be settled and married and done before i hit double digits, if it doesn't happen, oh well, but i pride myself on only being with certain people. also, sex is not it for me. i enjoy it, its a wonderful thing, but that doesn't build what i want with a partner. what i live for, what i need is that playing around, is handholding, is being cute together. i absolutely love just cuddling and watching movies. and i love watching boyfriends play video games, or work on cars. i love taking a lot of stupid pictures, and i love things like random texts, random notes left places, i love forehead and tummy kisses, i love flowers, and when a guy stands behind me and wraps his arms around me. I believe in having fun together, believe in trusting eachother, loving eachother, being there for eachother. i'm the person that enjoys just listening to the other person's heartbeat. that is bliss for me. knowing that at that very moment, the other person is alive, is existing and i'm the person their choosing to spend their existence with.
i also went on to explain that i trust with no fear, i have no exterior walls to break down, i like and love and move forward without a care in the world. that there are no hurdles to jump over, or tests to pass just to get to know me. i'm an open book, i'm the person who will tell you the worst part about myself right off the bat, because i'd rather cut to the bullshit and either have the person run away right away, or know what they're getting themselves into.
and that's me. or atleast who i was. who i'd love to be again.
it breaks my heart, and honestly has me ready to cry knowing he told me that was all dumb. that that sort of stuff isn't real. it's fairy tale.
alright, so, i want something, i believe in something that doesn't seem achievable, something that seems movieonly, but i've had it, a few times, i know its out there. so for him to sit there and tell me i was trying to live a fairytale was utter bullshit.
he just couldn't give me that. he told me that numerous times. i don't think he tried hard enough, or wanted to. his loss, majorly.
let me continue about who i am.
i believe in moving forward. what one boy did wrong to me, i tried to never blame the next one for.
ryan's mistakes weren't bryan's issues.
just like ed's shouldn't be cameron's.
but i'm not sure how i went about forgetting the shit ryan put me through, and never taking it out on bryan.
ryan did some mean things, but i suppose it never compared to the things i dealt with the past year.
i'm big on lying. do not lie to me.
i'd rather hear the awful, hurtful truth from that person, so i can handle it, than hear a lie and find out later on.
----If i had a dollar for everytime i said, or screamed, this this past year, i'd be rich.
some people don't get the point.
"i was thinking of your feelings, i didn't want to hurt you, so i lied."
THIS IS BULLSHIT. no.no.no.no.no.
i won't even get started on that because i'm so over it.
i just want to move forward. i want things to be innocent and happy again. this new boy has done nothing wrong, to my knowledge, so far, and i'm loving it. do i doubt him? i'm wishing i wasn't. i'm hoping he proves the doubtful side of me wrong. i hope he shows me up, shows me there was no reason to ever doubt him, or this in the first place.
i'm loving the possibility of this. even if things crash, burn, and its a horrific scene, i atleast know how i felt right now, in the beginning. and that will make it, in the end, worth it.
now my ex didn't HATE who i was, but he never agreed with how i felt about love, sex, and the world.
he's been hurt a lot before, and he doesn't trust anyone. he's negative fucking nancy, wet blanket willy, he's debby downer, whatever. sex is a game to him, if he can get it, he will. he says he respects the fact the other person is giving him their body, but i think he's just saying that to make himself feel better. he's definitely fucked a decent amount of people, including girls he didn't even know. and he talks so negatively. the way i explain it, is i feel he believes the world is a bad place, people are out to get one another, there's always a hidden motive. that no one is who they say they are, that you always need to watch your back, and only watch out for yourself.
that's nothing like who i am. i understand being hurt, and being afraid it's going to happen again, but i think it's a waste of time worrying about allll of the bad, because a person who worries and is scared the bad will happen is usually missing out on all the good, or pushing away the person who is trying to show them nothing but good.
he pushed me away hardcore after i wrote that note to him. he made it known that who i was was a sort of fantasy, that no one really thinks like that, that i'm naive and have my head up my ass pretty much.
i don't believe i'm naive, i like to think of myself as optimistic. i'm not going to be angry and pissed off all the time. As the great movie American History X says, Hate Is Baggage. it's a waste to be pissed off all the time. I could easily be guarded, and put my walls with trust issues, and other problems, and make people break them down, and push through them just to get to know me, but i feel i'd be missing out on a lot of wonderful people by doing that.
i'm not perfect at all, but i don't make myself out to be perfect. as i stated before, when i'm interested in someone, and it seems to be headed in a relationship direction, i make the worst things about me known.
1. i have severe anxiety. it controls my life pretty badly.
2. i self harm. i've been doing it for over 10 years now. i'll openly talk about it if you ask.
3. i've cheated on a lot of my boyfriends. i don't sleep around, but i've kissed my fair share of people. when i cheat, i leave. no questions asked. i don't try and talk the person into taking me back, or giving me another chance, i leave and thats it.
thats pretty much all my bad in simple terms. i'm damn near crazy at times, and i cant seem to help it. everything stems off of those 3 things. i can be a bitch just like anyone else, but i can also be the best damn girlfriend in the entire world.
sometimes those 3 things scare a person off, and that's fine, atleast no one wasted their time, sometimes people thing i'm exaggerating those 3 things, and then they get a rude awakening when they find out how serious i am.
and then there's those few who sit down, talk to me indepthly and try and understand each one of those 3 things. and say, alright, everyone has their demons, i might not get or completely understand yours, but i'm willing to face them with you as they come. when i act out or my anxiety gets the best of me, people need to learn to work with me, not fight me or go hard against me. its a personality flaw i have and controlling it doesnt seem possible. i cant explain how i get when i get like that. i hate it myself. there was plenty of times this past year during those horrendous fights, that 5 minutes after the fight, and he'd leave, i sat there bawling hating myself.
i did that for an hour once. thats one of the times i knew i needed a change.
when you find yourself sitting in the corner of your kitchen floor, screaming, crying, and legit yelling at yourself because of the way you're actng and the physical thing you've just done to yourself
you know you need change in your life.
i needed it badly. life roulette became way to common. i remember those nights i'd take and consume anything not really knowing if i'd wake up, while mike would text me throughout the night to see if i was still coherent.
when people work against me and my anxiety, when they feed it, it gets out of control. i always feel like im fighting myself, and i hate it.
sometimes you meet someone who doesnt fight it, but tries and works with you. thats wonderful.
and i've only ever had that once or twice, but those are the people who meant the most to me.
i'm hoping things are good from here on out with Cameron. it's hard getting to know someone when they're 17 hours away from you all the time. but it teaches patience, and not to take the moments we are together for granted.
2 things i live for.
it's late, and i'm tired. im feeling more hopeful now that i've written all this down.
even though they'll never see it;
edward, i am sorry for never showing you i'm everything i wrote on that paper. i'm sorry for lying and kissing dave all those times. i regret that everyday and i know alot of our issues were stemmed from me. im sorry i couldn't make it work with you. i'm sorry i gave up. but i'm also sorry you never once took the time to talk to me about those 3 things. i'm sorry you told me i was faking all those times i had an anxiety attack, and those times you smacked my new bruises and said i needed to stop being an emo fag. i'm sorry you never stuck around and helped me face my issues. i'm sorry i always felt alone. i'm sorry you considered what i believe in as fake, and that everything i wanted was a fairytale. you always said you couldn't give me any of that, that its not who you are. i'm still wondering if thats true, or if you didn't care enough to try. you didn't deserve that person i wrote down and described in that letter, not once or a little bit. so i suppose i'm sorry i'm not sorry at all you never got the best of me.. i'm sorry we're nothing but "a lesson" now.
the.one.who.makes.my.heart.skip.beats, you're not him. atleast you don't seem it even a little bit. i have my short comings, and i'm hard to handle at times. work with me, not against me, and we'll never really have issues. i'll question things constantly, not because i dont believe it, because i need reassurance. i honestly don't feel like i deserve anyone's affection and it'll show. i can be one of the nicest and sweetest girls you'll ever meet. the kind of person you'll want in your life for a long time. but i can also be the nastiest, play-that-game-too sort of chick, but it takes a lot to get me there. i'm hoping we never get to that point, because you've got me happy, and i'd like to stay there. <3
now, getting to the point of this post!
somethings are going right for me. and i'm not understanding why. maybe i'm pure idiot for even questioning it, but its too much, all at once. i'd love to enjoy it, but i'm too busy standing guarded being scared.
this isn't me. i blame him. i've always been raw, unguarded, no walls, an open book. but the last guy really did a number on me, just like i'm sure i did a number on him. i regret a lot, but regret doesn't get anyone anywhere in life. i just know that this time around, i'm doing things differently; i know what i'm capable of and why i didn't do it this last time i'll never really know. i'd hate him for those times he swore everything, just for me to find out he was lying, and i hate him for those nights i needed someone and he was never there. but i also hate myself for always running to dave, i hate myself for always giving in and taking him back. but i'm hating myself even now for the changes he's made to me.
he has a note somewhere stashed away in his nightstand next to a cardboard petco box, stuffed behind otterbox cases, my lighters, and his 420 pipe cleaner,
probably crumbled up, burned and torn a little. it'll probably never see the light of day again but on that paper is everything that i was before last June. everything i loved about myself, and everything that i stood for, wanted out of life, everything i was, and still wish i could be.
even if that paper doesn't exist to anyone else, it existed to us. even though he never saw that person on that paper, i know for a fact i can be, i am capable of being that person.
let me explain a little more, since that is so vague. you're probably lost.
i've always been good with words, good with writing, good with expressing myself, explaining and being openly honest with people in writing. it's the easiest way for me to express myself. and i did it for my ex a few times. he'd wake me up, i'd watch him get ready for work, he'd kiss me, say goodbye and he'd leave for work around 4am every morning. it was our routine, and i loved it. i'd fall back to sleep, and depending on the day i'd wake up, go to work, or wake up, talk to his mom, play video games and wait for him to get home.
but a few times, i laid in bed and wrote him long notes about how much i cared, or how much i wanted this or that for us, what i wanted out of our relationship, and how i felt we could get there. i'd then make our bed, leave the note on his side, and leave for work.
the note that's stashed away in his night stand described me perfectly, before i let him and other things get the best of me.
something he hated about me, something he always called me out on, and wanted to change about me;
"life isn't a fairytale, love isn't a fairytale, when you stop thinking it is, we'll actually work"
he was wrong, on so many levels. he never understood a damn fucking word i meant. he understood me on so many levels, but he never understood me on that one.
let me explain even MORE-
i've had bad relationships, and i mean, terrible, even putting my most recent ex aside.
i've been hurt, i've cried, i once made the decision to date my bestttt friend [who was a guy] just to have him cheat on me 3 days into the relationship. i've dealt with guys who pushed my limits, and tried to get me to do things i didn't want to. i've been with a guy who i shared with my 2 good friends at the same time. i've dealt with guys who thought hitting me was the answer, and guys who thought lying was the only way.
but i've had guys who thought the sun shined out of my ass, that thought i was amazing, gorgeous, wonderful. guys who swore they loved me, and guys who would do absolutely anything for me.
i've also had amazing relationships where it was an equal balance of power, a great understanding of eachother, and relationships that seemed perfect.
i'm a sucker for that happy romance shit. i believe in it wholeheartedly and that's something my ex always tried to get me to let go of. that paper thats wrinked and written in my best handwriting simply states things such as
i believe in the innocence of love. i believe love IS patient, and kind, and the right kind can make the world better. i believe that people are good, the world is good, that positive energy and people can make a person's bad day better.
that note goes on to say things such as:
i believe in love. i believe in putting someone else before myself, i live for making other people happy, their happiness is my happiness. i live for being cute, and being passionate with the right people. i enjoy sex just like many other people, but i hold sex to a high standard and unfortunately not many people my age see it my way. i don't believe in sex with just one person, but i also don't believe sex should be spread around, should be open game with anyone. i respect myself, and wish guys to respect me as well. I'm not going to sleep with randoms just for 10 minutes of feeling great. i'll hate myself after. i'd rather spend countless 10 minutes with 1 person who makes me feel amazing about myself. i'd like to be settled and married and done before i hit double digits, if it doesn't happen, oh well, but i pride myself on only being with certain people. also, sex is not it for me. i enjoy it, its a wonderful thing, but that doesn't build what i want with a partner. what i live for, what i need is that playing around, is handholding, is being cute together. i absolutely love just cuddling and watching movies. and i love watching boyfriends play video games, or work on cars. i love taking a lot of stupid pictures, and i love things like random texts, random notes left places, i love forehead and tummy kisses, i love flowers, and when a guy stands behind me and wraps his arms around me. I believe in having fun together, believe in trusting eachother, loving eachother, being there for eachother. i'm the person that enjoys just listening to the other person's heartbeat. that is bliss for me. knowing that at that very moment, the other person is alive, is existing and i'm the person their choosing to spend their existence with.
i also went on to explain that i trust with no fear, i have no exterior walls to break down, i like and love and move forward without a care in the world. that there are no hurdles to jump over, or tests to pass just to get to know me. i'm an open book, i'm the person who will tell you the worst part about myself right off the bat, because i'd rather cut to the bullshit and either have the person run away right away, or know what they're getting themselves into.
and that's me. or atleast who i was. who i'd love to be again.
it breaks my heart, and honestly has me ready to cry knowing he told me that was all dumb. that that sort of stuff isn't real. it's fairy tale.
alright, so, i want something, i believe in something that doesn't seem achievable, something that seems movieonly, but i've had it, a few times, i know its out there. so for him to sit there and tell me i was trying to live a fairytale was utter bullshit.
he just couldn't give me that. he told me that numerous times. i don't think he tried hard enough, or wanted to. his loss, majorly.
let me continue about who i am.
i believe in moving forward. what one boy did wrong to me, i tried to never blame the next one for.
ryan's mistakes weren't bryan's issues.
just like ed's shouldn't be cameron's.
but i'm not sure how i went about forgetting the shit ryan put me through, and never taking it out on bryan.
ryan did some mean things, but i suppose it never compared to the things i dealt with the past year.
i'm big on lying. do not lie to me.
i'd rather hear the awful, hurtful truth from that person, so i can handle it, than hear a lie and find out later on.
----If i had a dollar for everytime i said, or screamed, this this past year, i'd be rich.
some people don't get the point.
"i was thinking of your feelings, i didn't want to hurt you, so i lied."
THIS IS BULLSHIT. no.no.no.no.no.
i won't even get started on that because i'm so over it.
i just want to move forward. i want things to be innocent and happy again. this new boy has done nothing wrong, to my knowledge, so far, and i'm loving it. do i doubt him? i'm wishing i wasn't. i'm hoping he proves the doubtful side of me wrong. i hope he shows me up, shows me there was no reason to ever doubt him, or this in the first place.
i'm loving the possibility of this. even if things crash, burn, and its a horrific scene, i atleast know how i felt right now, in the beginning. and that will make it, in the end, worth it.
now my ex didn't HATE who i was, but he never agreed with how i felt about love, sex, and the world.
he's been hurt a lot before, and he doesn't trust anyone. he's negative fucking nancy, wet blanket willy, he's debby downer, whatever. sex is a game to him, if he can get it, he will. he says he respects the fact the other person is giving him their body, but i think he's just saying that to make himself feel better. he's definitely fucked a decent amount of people, including girls he didn't even know. and he talks so negatively. the way i explain it, is i feel he believes the world is a bad place, people are out to get one another, there's always a hidden motive. that no one is who they say they are, that you always need to watch your back, and only watch out for yourself.
that's nothing like who i am. i understand being hurt, and being afraid it's going to happen again, but i think it's a waste of time worrying about allll of the bad, because a person who worries and is scared the bad will happen is usually missing out on all the good, or pushing away the person who is trying to show them nothing but good.
he pushed me away hardcore after i wrote that note to him. he made it known that who i was was a sort of fantasy, that no one really thinks like that, that i'm naive and have my head up my ass pretty much.
i don't believe i'm naive, i like to think of myself as optimistic. i'm not going to be angry and pissed off all the time. As the great movie American History X says, Hate Is Baggage. it's a waste to be pissed off all the time. I could easily be guarded, and put my walls with trust issues, and other problems, and make people break them down, and push through them just to get to know me, but i feel i'd be missing out on a lot of wonderful people by doing that.
i'm not perfect at all, but i don't make myself out to be perfect. as i stated before, when i'm interested in someone, and it seems to be headed in a relationship direction, i make the worst things about me known.
1. i have severe anxiety. it controls my life pretty badly.
2. i self harm. i've been doing it for over 10 years now. i'll openly talk about it if you ask.
3. i've cheated on a lot of my boyfriends. i don't sleep around, but i've kissed my fair share of people. when i cheat, i leave. no questions asked. i don't try and talk the person into taking me back, or giving me another chance, i leave and thats it.
thats pretty much all my bad in simple terms. i'm damn near crazy at times, and i cant seem to help it. everything stems off of those 3 things. i can be a bitch just like anyone else, but i can also be the best damn girlfriend in the entire world.
sometimes those 3 things scare a person off, and that's fine, atleast no one wasted their time, sometimes people thing i'm exaggerating those 3 things, and then they get a rude awakening when they find out how serious i am.
and then there's those few who sit down, talk to me indepthly and try and understand each one of those 3 things. and say, alright, everyone has their demons, i might not get or completely understand yours, but i'm willing to face them with you as they come. when i act out or my anxiety gets the best of me, people need to learn to work with me, not fight me or go hard against me. its a personality flaw i have and controlling it doesnt seem possible. i cant explain how i get when i get like that. i hate it myself. there was plenty of times this past year during those horrendous fights, that 5 minutes after the fight, and he'd leave, i sat there bawling hating myself.
i did that for an hour once. thats one of the times i knew i needed a change.
when you find yourself sitting in the corner of your kitchen floor, screaming, crying, and legit yelling at yourself because of the way you're actng and the physical thing you've just done to yourself
you know you need change in your life.
i needed it badly. life roulette became way to common. i remember those nights i'd take and consume anything not really knowing if i'd wake up, while mike would text me throughout the night to see if i was still coherent.
when people work against me and my anxiety, when they feed it, it gets out of control. i always feel like im fighting myself, and i hate it.
sometimes you meet someone who doesnt fight it, but tries and works with you. thats wonderful.
and i've only ever had that once or twice, but those are the people who meant the most to me.
i'm hoping things are good from here on out with Cameron. it's hard getting to know someone when they're 17 hours away from you all the time. but it teaches patience, and not to take the moments we are together for granted.
2 things i live for.
it's late, and i'm tired. im feeling more hopeful now that i've written all this down.
even though they'll never see it;
edward, i am sorry for never showing you i'm everything i wrote on that paper. i'm sorry for lying and kissing dave all those times. i regret that everyday and i know alot of our issues were stemmed from me. im sorry i couldn't make it work with you. i'm sorry i gave up. but i'm also sorry you never once took the time to talk to me about those 3 things. i'm sorry you told me i was faking all those times i had an anxiety attack, and those times you smacked my new bruises and said i needed to stop being an emo fag. i'm sorry you never stuck around and helped me face my issues. i'm sorry i always felt alone. i'm sorry you considered what i believe in as fake, and that everything i wanted was a fairytale. you always said you couldn't give me any of that, that its not who you are. i'm still wondering if thats true, or if you didn't care enough to try. you didn't deserve that person i wrote down and described in that letter, not once or a little bit. so i suppose i'm sorry i'm not sorry at all you never got the best of me.. i'm sorry we're nothing but "a lesson" now.
the.one.who.makes.my.heart.skip.beats, you're not him. atleast you don't seem it even a little bit. i have my short comings, and i'm hard to handle at times. work with me, not against me, and we'll never really have issues. i'll question things constantly, not because i dont believe it, because i need reassurance. i honestly don't feel like i deserve anyone's affection and it'll show. i can be one of the nicest and sweetest girls you'll ever meet. the kind of person you'll want in your life for a long time. but i can also be the nastiest, play-that-game-too sort of chick, but it takes a lot to get me there. i'm hoping we never get to that point, because you've got me happy, and i'd like to stay there. <3
not myself you see!
i'm sick.
it's probably from this past week where i stayed out til 4am everynight, wore nothing but jeans and long sleeve shirts on below 30 weather, smoked too many cigarettes and shared a few with friends.
i was pretty much ASKING to get sick.
so now i'm coughing too much, sneezing always and sleeping in bed not only with my usual 7 pillows, barney, laptop and cellphone, now i have 2 boxes of tissues.
a bed made for 2 people is easily taken over by just me. no room for anyone else.
so access denied to anyone who would want to join me.
unless your initials are crm, 22 years old and in the army, then you're allowed anyday, any time, always.
<3
but seriously, fuck this being sick shit. it makes it hard to breathe to the point where i take my tongue ring out because its easier, but then it hurts like a bitch to shove that damn barbell back in. if it was a normal 14g i wouldn't be bitching, but the fact i'm between a 4g and 2g, within a few hours of having it out its definitely some work to shove it back in.
whys my tongue on its way to being a 2gauge? because i get bored with my piercings. i have 22 of them, and i'd absolutely love more. last year i got a good 6? in a month. i just keep going back. but its not cheap to get pierced all the time, even though my piercer is an ex and a friend, who gives me discounts, it still adds up. so to keep my occupied from getting new ones, i started gauging my tongue with someones help. with my future plans of teaching i refuse to gauge my ears despite how much i like girls with them.
so my tongue is almost a 2 gauge. which means i can fit things like pens, and straws through it.
not as bad as eds though, hah, we got his tongue to a 00g, and our besttttt party trick was showing people that my pinky finger fit through his tongue hole. we were always good with party tricks, hah.
so yes, sickkkkk and currently with a swollen tongue. i'm going to feel like helll in the morning.
someone come make me tea, rub my back and kiss the side of my forehead while i lay down watching beauty and the beast.
i need my boy. he's too far away. someone fix this.
it's probably from this past week where i stayed out til 4am everynight, wore nothing but jeans and long sleeve shirts on below 30 weather, smoked too many cigarettes and shared a few with friends.
i was pretty much ASKING to get sick.
so now i'm coughing too much, sneezing always and sleeping in bed not only with my usual 7 pillows, barney, laptop and cellphone, now i have 2 boxes of tissues.
a bed made for 2 people is easily taken over by just me. no room for anyone else.
so access denied to anyone who would want to join me.
unless your initials are crm, 22 years old and in the army, then you're allowed anyday, any time, always.
<3
but seriously, fuck this being sick shit. it makes it hard to breathe to the point where i take my tongue ring out because its easier, but then it hurts like a bitch to shove that damn barbell back in. if it was a normal 14g i wouldn't be bitching, but the fact i'm between a 4g and 2g, within a few hours of having it out its definitely some work to shove it back in.
whys my tongue on its way to being a 2gauge? because i get bored with my piercings. i have 22 of them, and i'd absolutely love more. last year i got a good 6? in a month. i just keep going back. but its not cheap to get pierced all the time, even though my piercer is an ex and a friend, who gives me discounts, it still adds up. so to keep my occupied from getting new ones, i started gauging my tongue with someones help. with my future plans of teaching i refuse to gauge my ears despite how much i like girls with them.
so my tongue is almost a 2 gauge. which means i can fit things like pens, and straws through it.
not as bad as eds though, hah, we got his tongue to a 00g, and our besttttt party trick was showing people that my pinky finger fit through his tongue hole. we were always good with party tricks, hah.
so yes, sickkkkk and currently with a swollen tongue. i'm going to feel like helll in the morning.
someone come make me tea, rub my back and kiss the side of my forehead while i lay down watching beauty and the beast.
i need my boy. he's too far away. someone fix this.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Rambles, nott shambles!
i'm not sure which direction this is going to go in yet. i usually can sit down and be like. LETS WRITE ABOUT THIS TODAY.
but i have so much i need written down.
i think i said this the other day. just been so busy with the past week being Thanksgiving break from school.
i spend my time with friends til late/early in the morning, and slept, and repeated.
it was extremely nice.
but what was even nicer was knowing i was leaving, coming back to my apartment.
MY apartment. not my moms house, his house, my dad's house, whatever.
i didn't have to deal with bullshit shenanigains or shambles.
my life is less shambley lately. and there's someone that should be thanked for that.
i will thankkkkk himm tremendously whenever i see him next, lemme tell ya.
but yes. things are going better.
people realized i'm not dealing with their bullshit this weekend, and i'm not just talking about my mother&stepfather.
i'm now the person that when you ask how things are going, or how life is,
how school is, how my relationship is, etc
i no longer sit there bitching or rolling my eyes.
things are rough with school, life is rough and there's so much distance in my relationship its scary
but i have stuff i light up about again.
not just drone on about and shit.
but i have so much i need written down.
i think i said this the other day. just been so busy with the past week being Thanksgiving break from school.
i spend my time with friends til late/early in the morning, and slept, and repeated.
it was extremely nice.
but what was even nicer was knowing i was leaving, coming back to my apartment.
MY apartment. not my moms house, his house, my dad's house, whatever.
i didn't have to deal with bullshit shenanigains or shambles.
my life is less shambley lately. and there's someone that should be thanked for that.
i will thankkkkk himm tremendously whenever i see him next, lemme tell ya.
but yes. things are going better.
people realized i'm not dealing with their bullshit this weekend, and i'm not just talking about my mother&stepfather.
i'm now the person that when you ask how things are going, or how life is,
how school is, how my relationship is, etc
i no longer sit there bitching or rolling my eyes.
things are rough with school, life is rough and there's so much distance in my relationship its scary
but i have stuff i light up about again.
not just drone on about and shit.
things happen when you least expect it.
this had to be said.
because i think about it constantly when it comes to someone.
i never saw it coming.
i never saw him coming.
isn't that a taylor swift song?
lets quote that shizz.
So you were never a saint
And I’ve loved in shades of wrong
And I never saw you coming
And I'll never be the same.
And I’ve loved in shades of wrong
And I never saw you coming
And I'll never be the same.
anyways. someone makes me happy, and it was completely COMPLETELY unexpected.
it started out as a joke, something i never really meant. and now i'm no longer bitching about someone who i can't MAKE THINGS work with.
ya know, i did this once before with a previous. i tried and tried. it got the best of me and put me with my demons, until one very special person said to me
"why try and make it work with someone, when there's someone out there things will just work with?"
i stood by that question for thee longest time. i've repeated it, used it as advice for others, and believed in it wholeheartedly. but for the past year or so i've completely overlooked that, been strong headed and thought i could make something work that was long past due. there was too much bad.
i've been saying that there was too much bad since last November.
jezus christ. Last November what was i doing? Well last thanksgiving i spent mad at my ex because he refused to come to my grandmother's with me to visit my family. he "didn't feel like being around people" so i was spending yet again [because B never was around either] another Thanksgiving by myself.
guilt didn't work either, he was strong headed, if that boy didn't wanna do something, he didnt. NO MATTER WHAT.
the entire time at my cousin's i got questioned about why he wasn't around and this and that. i hate that shit, especially when there's not a legitimate reason. whatever. i quickkllyyy stopped being mad at him when my dad pulled the whole "i'm the best dad in the world" card.
ALRIGHT. FATHER OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO THE MANNNN who has never been there for me at all, ever. i've gone MONTHS without talking to my father, and then when he DOES call me he says "hey where's your brother, i wanna talk to him.." and thats it.
thank you dad, for making it extremely known to me that you didn't want a girl, you didn't want me. my sincerest apologies.
i ended up at my ex's. walked in, sat on our bed and bawled and got handed my bottle of Jaegermeister that went down way too fast, and wayyy too easy. by this time it was after midnight, making it black friday.
and our dumb asses decided we wanted bacon. we alwayyyss craved bacon on the weirdest times. so i grabbed the second bottle of jaeger and headed out to his car. double fisted and bitched about my father the entire drive to walmart. when we walked into walmart, i felt like i was the saddest girl anyone had ever seen.
i looked bangin, not to brag, but i know i looked hot as shit. but i was trashed and in heels, in a busy walmart. i was so friggen paranoid. hah. i'll neverrrr forget how i felt haha!.
that's really all there is to that story. bought bacon, drank more, got home, crycuddled, and we passed out.
one of the better memories i have.
so that's what i was doing around this time last year.
also i was reminded tomorrow is hunting season or something.
andd bear season was recently, or is still going right now.
know what that means?
that means this time last year i was sitting in that same ex's kitchen, getting told "this will fuck you up, small hit.."
and let me tell you, NO ONE EVER TELLS ME how much to hit. i do what i want.
and what i wanted, and did, FUCKED MY LIFE.
he wanted to call our friend who was away in the army. so he called him because we were already starting to feel good. he should've neverrrr trusted me to listen! he came back, sat at the counter with me, put the phone in between us on speaker so i could say hi, and in middddd sentence, i remember we both stopped, and just went
"oh fuck."
"oh fuck."
i'd say it was a good trip we went on, but i remember yelling for him to carry me into his room because i thought i was dying. i was so cold, and so hot at the same time.
i remember tryinngggg to make myself throw up because i felt so sick, but sitting there pretty much choking myself, and thinking i was going to just choke and die in the bathroom.
i remember him using the heat vent on the floor to heat up the blanket because i COULD NOT AT ALLLLLLL stop shaking.
i also remember convincing him i was pregnant. that was one of the funniest conversations with him ever.
and when his mom knocked, i knew i wouldn't be able to be chill, so i told him to tell her i was dead.
WHAT A FUCKING NIGHT.
i don't realllyyy remember how we ended up at the diner, and what happened after that.
but just like the first time, the next day, everything was beautiful and amazing.
that was the first time i actually sat there and watched spongebob and didn't geek.
that sponge is the devil for anyone who doesn't know; i absolutely despise that spongey-bob. but that's anotherrrrr post. haha.
but yes.
that was another good time.
so much has changed in a year. people i considered my best friends, my brothers, my boyfriend, are all different now. it's a little disheartening really. when i look at the small picture, i feel as if i've failed something.
but when i step back, and look at everything, it wasn't a fail, i didn't lose.
it simply wasn't my job to fix things. it wasn't something to 'win' or succeed at. i had been trying to do it all alone the entire time. i'm succeeding more now by finally realizing all that, and walking away.
a little good doesn't, and will never make up for a truckload of bad. i wish the blame was all on other people too, but i'll own up to my bad choices and failed promises as well. there's really no trueee excuse for why i kept making the same mistake,
but i honestly kept saying "why not"
i ask for the same respect i give to others, no matter who they are. i ask for the same understandings, feelings, etc. if you want me to stop talking to someone, to stop bitching, or whatever, i expect the other person to also do a few small things i ask for. apparently things aren't a two way street with someone people, and they think they can continue doing what they want, yet demand stuff from me.
mine might've been worse, but honestly, i didn't care. it was out of character for me completely,
but i was nothing since day one and barely wanted me around, why would i just sit there waiting.
i wouldn't, sorry. not who i am, so i found it in another place.
whatever.
ya know what.
i don't even know how i got on that topic, but its depressing me something fierce, and its 4am, i'm sick as a fucking dog and i don't need depressing shit in my head.
would you like me to ramble about the person who DOES make me smile just by simply looking at me?
well. he has a name, and a face, 2 hands, 2 feet, realllyyy tall, 2 blue eyes, and this smile that honnnestttlyyy makes my day.
he puts me in my place, but in a good way. things just, feel promising for once in a long time. things are easy.
i'm not use to easy anymore. i'm not use to going more than 3 days without a screaming match.
i'm not at ALL use to someone texting me goodmorning randomly.
but i'm also not as ALL use to the person who makes me happy living more than 5 hours away from me.
5 hours isn't TOO bad.
10 hours isn't awful.
14 hours seems a little rough.
this boy is about 18 hours away from me, and it kills me everyday. i'd love to wake up, roll over and BAM have that fineeeee boy be sleeping next to me.
or walk in after class and have him sitting on my couch playing video games.
or just playing around. i'd love all of it. i'd love to have a phone call that says "alright baby, i'll see you soon!"
but, i don't get that
but ya know what, that's okay because i haven't really gone a day without skyping him in FOREVER and my phone is constantly saying i have a new text,
and i know deep down that i will see him again eventually, and when i do, it will honestly be like he never left in the first place.
the ONLY thing i dread about those times he does come and visit, are those terrible goodbyes.
i've only had 1 so far. i knew i'd miss him, i knew i'd be lonely, but i never knew it was going to be so terrible.
who in the WORLD chooses this sort of life? the constant waiting, the constant wondering when you'll see them again, be near them, hug them, and talk to them face to face.
it takes some strong ass people to do this sort of thing, and i've never considered myself a strong person at all.
i'm patient. i'll wait for something and work towards it if its something thats really wanted, but strong i am not.
but i'm going to try to be. i'm going to have to, no option given. i made my decision and i knew what i meant.
i'm standing by that as much as i can. it's only been 2 weeks, but its something i haven't doubted for a second once. those times i'm feeling a little lonely, or i'm out with my friends and i realllyyyy wish he was with me, everything gets better the second he texts me or calls.
i've got this. i'm hoping for the best, because i really like this boy. it seems promising, i'm hoping i'm not wrong. lets see where things progress to, it'll be interesting, and i'm excited. i'm loving being happy. i'm loving knowing that there's no bad to fight through, there's no stress really, there's no baggage and bad mistakes really.
i'm really liking this boy.
it's time to end this on that note, i'm sick and i have class at 11.
i'm starting to look forward to every next day, i'm excited to see what it brings, but i know it brings me closer to being near boy again.
brown.eyed.girlllll.
It's Britney, Bitchh!
You try to feel me, but I'm so out of touch
I won't be falling-
You won't have to pick me up
I don't feel the way you do
I won't turn around
I won't be falling-
You won't have to pick me up
I don't feel the way you do
I won't turn around
Think that I might have doubts but I don't
Think that you know me now but you don't
Think that I can't stand on my own
Won't you just let me be?
Think that you know me now but you don't
Think that I can't stand on my own
Won't you just let me be?
I used to be your girlfriend and I know I did it well
All you had to do was yell
And I'd be there for you
All you had to do was yell
And I'd be there for you
From time to time I'd try to tell just what was on my mind.
You'd tell me not today.
So try to forgive me
I've had enough
I'm not gonna stay
You'd tell me not today.
So try to forgive me
I've had enough
I'm not gonna stay
I'm sorry to say, i'm runnin' away now
i won't return to thee.
To think I'm so naive; how dare you play with me
I gave you heart and soul
why you screwing with my head?
I don't think you understand
I won't take yourhuh no more
don't knock on my door
why you screwing with my head?
I don't think you understand
I won't take your
don't knock on my door
not this time because I recognize
I've heard it all before-
I've heard it all before-
Think of all the times you made me sick
I used to think, I couldn't handle it
what were you thinkin when you lost my trust?
You had it all now you're left with nothing
now I know you want my touch
and now you're lonely and you still want me
I used to think, I couldn't handle it
what were you thinkin when you lost my trust?
You had it all now you're left with nothing
now I know you want my touch
and now you're lonely and you still want me
ayyeeeeeeediosssmioo.
gotmehomesafe.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Minions: Apply within..
there's so much i want to say.
its like, screaming its so bad.
about everything. from my mommabear, to my daddy, to my nieces, my step brother and the new guy thats got me goin.
i cannot contain myself honestly.
but its 4:13am where i am, and i haveeee to be up before 11am. ugh.
there's just so much i want to talk about.
and write, and get out there.
and just run around and tell everyone.
i should not be the only one feeling as good as i have been lately.
this.must.be.shared.
BUT HOW.
hah.
so tired. dont wanna get indepth.
but it all needs indepth.
surface scratching wouldnt do justice or be fair.
I'D LOVE TO WATCH ALICE IN WONDERLAND RIGHT NOW.
aliceinwonderland in kansas, snuggled.
this.is.needed.
WHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY.
because. i dont know, rambles.
anyways, i need minions to go insiddeeee my mind and write this stuff out for me. so i can stop collecting things that i neeeeddd to write down. stuff i want to write down.
why is it that when things are going good in my life, i write less. the shittier, the more i write.
keepsmesane!
im crashing.
i sound dumb with all the stupid lyrics ive been posting.
but im just glad things are in a better direction.
i'm happy.
head in the clouds, dont bring me down.
waitin for something awful to knock me on my ass.
REALITY CHECKKK!
!<3
its like, screaming its so bad.
about everything. from my mommabear, to my daddy, to my nieces, my step brother and the new guy thats got me goin.
i cannot contain myself honestly.
but its 4:13am where i am, and i haveeee to be up before 11am. ugh.
there's just so much i want to talk about.
and write, and get out there.
and just run around and tell everyone.
i should not be the only one feeling as good as i have been lately.
this.must.be.shared.
BUT HOW.
hah.
so tired. dont wanna get indepth.
but it all needs indepth.
surface scratching wouldnt do justice or be fair.
I'D LOVE TO WATCH ALICE IN WONDERLAND RIGHT NOW.
aliceinwonderland in kansas, snuggled.
this.is.needed.
WHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY.
because. i dont know, rambles.
anyways, i need minions to go insiddeeee my mind and write this stuff out for me. so i can stop collecting things that i neeeeddd to write down. stuff i want to write down.
why is it that when things are going good in my life, i write less. the shittier, the more i write.
keepsmesane!
im crashing.
i sound dumb with all the stupid lyrics ive been posting.
but im just glad things are in a better direction.
i'm happy.
head in the clouds, dont bring me down.
waitin for something awful to knock me on my ass.
REALITY CHECKKK!
!<3
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