Its been a while since I've seen candles light your face

a year later & im still too much//not enough

and guess what? im no where further than where I was the last time i posted.
im extremely grateful I didnt post anything throughout the past year, it'd all be full of lies and a bunch of bullshit i swear to god is written in some dating manual for guys.

and i say that as nicely as possible.
maybe.

ya know what is really REALLY making me angry
the fact that i am short (money wise) for graduation, that someone from my god awful past owes me.
THATS WHAT REALLY FUCKING AGGRAVATES ME.

to this day he still seems to be ruining things for me.

now, dont get me wrong, i have someone willing to cover it for me, because they want me to walk at graduation.

but. that's also the same person who after a year of telling me different, is telling me he wants nothing to do with me and wants nothing I want in life.



can't guess who that is?
really? ya cant?

probably because all of my wonderful exes told me that.

and i dont wanna hear the bullshitty "its not you, its me just needing to be alone and not in a relationship with anyone" line that everyone has memorized. because like. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT FUCKING MEAN?!

you're not ready to grow up?
you're not ready to be a man?
you're not ready to live up to everything you said you'd do?
you're not willing to bend a little bit for someone who has bent everywhichway for you?
you're just not ready to commit?


or is it being scared?
are they scared every single thing in their life is going to change?
are they scared that they have to actual care about someone other than themself?
are they scared to realize they're really a compelte shit bag who has been lying for months, years etc about who they are, what they want and leading someone on?





i think i found the winning answer


i'm so open in the beginning. so goddamn fucking straightforward about every SINGLE THING i want in life. EVERY thing. i leave nothing the fuck out because i dont want things to maraculously change.



doesnt matter. they still change. i'm still not the one they want long term. i'm not the one they want short term. i'm just not the one they want.

i'm literally always the stop along the way to them finding themself. I'm sick of the stupid cycle I always have to deal with. They leave because theyre not ready to man the fck up, change or commit. they want to be alone to themselves.

and then months or so later they show their fucking faces like nothing ever happened all "i never realized how important you are. and how supportive and always there for me you were. how much i screwed up and didn't see what i had. i didnt realize..."


and what the fuck am i suppose to do with that? does anyone even know?
like. forrealzies here. i bend over backwards and explain every single thing to them how i see it, not girlfriend see it, but how i see it from a very out of the box, un biased view, and what their problem is, because i know for damn sure, it isnt me.

but they dont listen because im the stupid knownothing girlfriend who is just trying to keep the relationship together.

well excuse me for being 25 years old and believing you need to actually work at a relationship and spend time fixing things instead of throwing it away like its garbage.


people have no respect for other people's feelings these days, absolutely none.
if all of their mothers knew all the shit they spewed my way, and all the things they swore up and down that they wanted and wanted me to be the one that was apart of it all with them.

just to one day text me "i just dont want you anymore. i need to be alone."
they wouldn't treat their mothers that way, sisters etc. they wouldnt sit there and continuously lie to their face about how they feel, and then turn around and break it all down.

so why me? why do i never end up with any respect in any form?


i'm too much, or not enough.
i havent been able to figure that out yet, and its been on my one atleast once a week for the past 3years.

too much or not enough.

i'm too much of something for people.
too open
too serious
too committed
too hyper
too boring
too busy
too optimistic
too pessimistic
too strong
too weak
too fast
too slow


i'm also not enough for them.
not strong.
not weak
not serious
not busy
not fun
not boring



i may usually be the one who leaves.
but ultimately i am always the one who is left

unwanted.

Disgusted

This blog does nothing but disgust me.
It's filled with various things since my first year at school back in 2012 when I was dealing with eddie.

At the same time though I'm happy it exists so I know exactly how well I bounce back from things.

I hate that everyone ive ever talked about I always believed the sun shined out of their ass, but also how even after some of thee worst breakups and things, I'm able to eventually pull my shit together and care like that all over again.

Sometimes I wonder if its fake or not "the real deal" but I always end up looking at it in the way that, I love everyone differently, and there's nothing wrong with caring for who youre with so intensely.
Im very proud of the things I've overcome, along with knowing im dealing well with things that still tear me apart.

Spring always leaves me feeling alive, once again I've survived another 'dark' season. Hopefully I can remind myself of this the next time I feel like opting out.

There's nothin here for me anymore

Now its been so long.

And I've realized I write only when im stressed and annoyed but not completely depressed.

I've been struggling alot lately and im starting to feel like my life direction is wrong. But I've come sooo far there's no way to turn around.

I feel disgusting.
I could shower for days and still feel gross.

I hate letting people under my skin.
I hate regretting giving people certain emotions of mine.

Being with a random isnt like this because I could care less and there's a part of my emotions turned off.
Being with someone I care about means alot to me. Ive always given it significance.  My bad.

I always hate when I end up wishing I hadnt done it with attached emotion.

I'm having a completely miserable day and I feel disgusting.
Noone ever wants to stay around after a little while.
I'm tired of having to try to make people stay.
Just  would like someone who whole heartedly, undoubtedly wants to stay.

Yeap

Im feeling good personally.
Towards myself.

But thats it.
I feel very alone in every aspect and its even worse than seriously being single and alone.
What makes this worse is the fact that im suppose to have someone else with me, but they're absent. So I'm alone in everything when I shouldnt be.

So much worse than being alone when I should be alone.

So many damn red flags.
Ya know,  I do actually know that I'm stupid for 'ignoring' all of them.

I date too strongly for wbat seems like everyone. I'll eventually find someone who dates just as hard in return, has no problem with compromise and looks at things as a 'we' or 'us' instead of him by himself.

Ohhhlife.

Quotes of the night

"I use to like, fully turn him on and now i just annoy him"

Seasonal changes

Read posts from late July and early August.

I'm always so positive,  and hopeful

And dumb.

Those posts make me laugh in a really sad letdown way. I've let myself down again.

PostScript

NSometimes I have to write things out so they can stop bouncing around in my mind.

I miss having a motivator in life, and having that person be there to really help push me to where I needed to be, even if it was just by telling me they believed I could do something.

That person mightve been one of the shittiest people I ever met, and evem though I never believed anything else said, I really 120% know that person meant those things said that helped push me to get better and be better.

Only person I ever let read, edit and give input towards the stuff I was writing. It was terrifying the first time but I knew the person was able to be "trusted" not to rip it apart and give constructive criticism,  or tell me what parts where strong. I knew this person cared about it too, didnt just read it because I forced it on them.

this i need

Writingmakesmestopcrying

Its pretty devastating when things go south very quickly and the person who felt like home and seemed to fit so perfectly most likely isnt going to be the one who stays in your life.

Im already extremely upset and heartbroken.  Its fucking stupid i know.

So sick of trying, or feeling like im failing at trying. I understand having patience and giving things time, but I dont understand how to do that when there seems to be barely anything there to begin with, and really having no idea if things will ever be different.

I definitely left a different person when I went back to school, than who Ive got now. Thats rude to say isnt it?  It is. But seriously I cant even find one thing thats even slightly the same. That sucks because everything I had before was exactly what I wanted, and needed. And now its like some twisted sick game of "lets combine everything shitty about her exes and put them into one"

Now that's rude.

Thats harsh. Because situations and people are very different, but oooooh this feeling ive been stuck with for almost a month now is all too familiar in the worst ways.  Im biting my tongue everytime I want to say something ive said before, and I get so on edge everytime i get the same responses ive gotten before.

One of the things thats got me really worried is I feel I've been left without any pros, and just a bunch of cons whereas in previous times ive had small things to hold on to.
The only reassurance I have now is a simple "If I wanted to leave, I would."

At the same time I also know I get all cry-y, upset, ready to leave and very guarded hen I'm put in the position of feeling these ways again because it never ends well.

Maybe its just a bad phase and some of what I had before will come back?  Maybe im just overly dwelling on all of this and considering it a million and one reasons to run fast and never look back because the last time I felt this strongly for someone, but went without any kind of intimacy, unreassured, unappreciated and taken for granted I lost everything about who I was to try and change everything just so it could work even 2%

I can handle phases, and moods, and people getting stuck in funks, but if its a constant state it completely ruins me.

Just already tired of feeling alone and not like a girlfriend. Like im fighting a lost cause.

Im also tired of feeling like im pushing too much, like I just need more patience. I feel like ive turned into my ex and just overcrowding.
And that makes me think I finally understand how he felt, which is shitty, and I wouldnt want him to feel like this, but I also know how I felt while he was like this and he really needed to chill.

My mind is constantly filled and its so hard to stay positive when ive got nothing to go off of really. Tired of feeling like im constantly walking in eggshells and having to watch what I say, or how I come off, but at the same time still be able to fill a small ounce of my voids.
Ive gotta just calm down and chill, but I feel like I cant because I refuse to be the person standing saying "I didnt see this coming".

Story of my life

I refuse to be in a relationship where my partner isnt best friend material.

How many times do I have to say this to people. And why in the world does it not make sense to them?

Things may have ended badly for both, but I do know what a super duper best friend is like, and I know what dating someone for 4 years is like.

And it was an incredible 3 years. There's nothing more satisfying than dating someone and being able to say they're youre bestfriend.
Even one despite my ex being a terrible awful douchey mindfuck of a guy, I wish I still had him as a friend. Because I had 0 problem saying anything or doing anything around him. 130% comfortable and it was amazing to be myself. It was also nice to get the support I needed, motivation through anything. I do miss hearing good job or you got this. Its dumb, but its an amazing feeling to feel that someone believes in you and is in your corner.

Im selfish in the way that I want to be able to go to my partner with an issue and have them care, and voice that they care. I want them to even try something,  no matter how dumb, to even make me smile. Be my rock, be my person.

Im unselfish in the way that even if i have a ton of shit going on with me and I cant keep it together for myself, if someone comes to me and theyre falling apart, my shit gets put in hold until I can atleast get that person to smile or feel temporarily better.

I wouldn't change a damn thing about myself in those ways. I think im always let down people most people dont care or love the way I do.

Its a terrible struggle to be a hopeless romantic and super amazing love believer in a world filled with doubtful selfcentered people.

I'll just go continue to be upset now. Its cool bro.

posts removed

I really shouldn't post when ive been drinking.

**removes a few previous posts from a week or so ago**

Jesus. Who lets me drink tequila and blog?!

Writer's block

Ive been very blocked lately.

And I cant stand not being able to write.

Its not just this, its anything. Zero desire to write papers, notes, letters, or this. Im completely full of writers block and its killing me.

But at the same time I feel I have nothing to write. Nothing I havent written a dozen times before pertaining to various people who have came in and out of my life.
Im feeling very unemotional, nothing good, nothing bad. Just very neutral, and that bothers me.

It bothers me that I have tried to write a couple different things and I feel as if im forcing emotions to come out to put down. I dont like feeling as if im forcing things. I dont force things, I give up and move on. There's zero sense in forcing something.
What am I talking about again?

I found something that has caused me to go into over analyzing mode and just think about it. I do not care who wrote it, but I care how much feeling there seems to be. But yet, nothing about that person radiated any of it. And I think its absolutely disgusting and repulsive. I hate, and I mean Haaatteee people who spew shit and abuse the English language to get what they want, or to appear different.
If you are going to he a big talker, you better have some super large actions to back yourself up. Nothing about this writing ever excited me or made me smile. Its disgusted me since the day I got it, and ive finally been able to talk about it.

I hate that people can write such "wonderful" things without even meaning it, and yet im fucking sitting here trying to write something meaningful and im completely blank.

I feel its because im going forward, and then stepping back. Nothing is consistent right now, and maybe that says something.

Oreally

This is me taking steps backwards.

It'll be for my own good in the long run, better to happen now.

Gottago

Absolutely hate where I'm at right now and I hate myself even more for that.

The fuck is wrong with me?

This time of year always fucking blows but I have no idea why it blows this time around?

This seriously has gotta stop, because I refuse to let myself stay in bed all the time.
Im just so blahhh about everything. So unhappy and confused and its super annoying to the point I keep breaking grammar rules by using unnecessary 'ands' and run on sentences.

Ive gotta go, and it cant happen soon enough.

Somethings gotta give.

IG

Insane

I've gone through every single emotion today for no reason.

Im very drained

and in a dull state.

Im gunna go watch House on the fetal position now. Ugh.

This Rabbit Hole.. hm?

For realz, give me some patience and some sense of mind?

Because I've got absolutely none right now and I cannot stand the way I'm feeling

Or the things I'm thinking.

This blows to the maxxxx right now.

Karma Bitches

I remembered something I thought I'd never forget.

Its just another reminder that I may not be that far in life, but im passed so much bullshit I didnt deserve.
Its another reminder that life is good, and no matter the shitty day im having, I'm happier than what I was.

I did not ruin your life. Not even a little bit. It was not my fault you were clearly spiraling and needed help. It was not my fault you got fucking plastered and started making an ass out of yourself and becoming unsafe. I was doing what a fucking friend, let alone girlfriend, should do. I was trying to keep things under control because not only were your parents there, but you wanted to be able to have more get togethers.
Your parents didnt deserve the things you said to them, and I sure as hell didnt. But im glad you ripped me apart, and screamed at me like you did. And even better when you started throwing beer cans. Because your friends finally saw that it wasnt me who was a controlling bitch.
And incase you forgot how you made it safely to bed that night? This life ruining controlling bitch assisted your ass to bed, and made sure to catch your tv and halfstack when you knocked them over. Also, the reason you didnt vomit all over yourself and your bed? I made sure to ignore your very foul language towards me and got you a garbage can.
And even after you demanded I leave, get the fuck out, and drunkenly refused to let me in bed, I made sure you fell asleep ayeokay by sitting on your floor and answering your phone texts that kept going off because your buddy was hammered and still wanted to party.

I may have done all that for you when I shouldn't have. But the best thing I did that night was grabbing my stuff and leaving. I didnt deserve to find out you were still lying and hiding things when I messaged your friend back to tell him you were asleep. And I sure as hell didnt deserve to be treated the way I was in front of everyone, let alone have to sit there and listen to you talk about sex with your ex.

Im so much happier these days.
I dont even know who I was back then or what was wrong with me. All I know is im so glad that night happened, because without it I really wouldnt be where I am.

And oh i didnt forget about memorial day either, I still havent forgotten I never finished thatttt post on here.

So fuck you and your morals,
Because from where I'm standing, you've completely lost who you are and you hate it.

Karma bitches.