Quotes of the night

"I use to like, fully turn him on and now i just annoy him"

Seasonal changes

Read posts from late July and early August.

I'm always so positive,  and hopeful

And dumb.

Those posts make me laugh in a really sad letdown way. I've let myself down again.

PostScript

NSometimes I have to write things out so they can stop bouncing around in my mind.

I miss having a motivator in life, and having that person be there to really help push me to where I needed to be, even if it was just by telling me they believed I could do something.

That person mightve been one of the shittiest people I ever met, and evem though I never believed anything else said, I really 120% know that person meant those things said that helped push me to get better and be better.

Only person I ever let read, edit and give input towards the stuff I was writing. It was terrifying the first time but I knew the person was able to be "trusted" not to rip it apart and give constructive criticism,  or tell me what parts where strong. I knew this person cared about it too, didnt just read it because I forced it on them.

this i need

Writingmakesmestopcrying

Its pretty devastating when things go south very quickly and the person who felt like home and seemed to fit so perfectly most likely isnt going to be the one who stays in your life.

Im already extremely upset and heartbroken.  Its fucking stupid i know.

So sick of trying, or feeling like im failing at trying. I understand having patience and giving things time, but I dont understand how to do that when there seems to be barely anything there to begin with, and really having no idea if things will ever be different.

I definitely left a different person when I went back to school, than who Ive got now. Thats rude to say isnt it?  It is. But seriously I cant even find one thing thats even slightly the same. That sucks because everything I had before was exactly what I wanted, and needed. And now its like some twisted sick game of "lets combine everything shitty about her exes and put them into one"

Now that's rude.

Thats harsh. Because situations and people are very different, but oooooh this feeling ive been stuck with for almost a month now is all too familiar in the worst ways.  Im biting my tongue everytime I want to say something ive said before, and I get so on edge everytime i get the same responses ive gotten before.

One of the things thats got me really worried is I feel I've been left without any pros, and just a bunch of cons whereas in previous times ive had small things to hold on to.
The only reassurance I have now is a simple "If I wanted to leave, I would."

At the same time I also know I get all cry-y, upset, ready to leave and very guarded hen I'm put in the position of feeling these ways again because it never ends well.

Maybe its just a bad phase and some of what I had before will come back?  Maybe im just overly dwelling on all of this and considering it a million and one reasons to run fast and never look back because the last time I felt this strongly for someone, but went without any kind of intimacy, unreassured, unappreciated and taken for granted I lost everything about who I was to try and change everything just so it could work even 2%

I can handle phases, and moods, and people getting stuck in funks, but if its a constant state it completely ruins me.

Just already tired of feeling alone and not like a girlfriend. Like im fighting a lost cause.

Im also tired of feeling like im pushing too much, like I just need more patience. I feel like ive turned into my ex and just overcrowding.
And that makes me think I finally understand how he felt, which is shitty, and I wouldnt want him to feel like this, but I also know how I felt while he was like this and he really needed to chill.

My mind is constantly filled and its so hard to stay positive when ive got nothing to go off of really. Tired of feeling like im constantly walking in eggshells and having to watch what I say, or how I come off, but at the same time still be able to fill a small ounce of my voids.
Ive gotta just calm down and chill, but I feel like I cant because I refuse to be the person standing saying "I didnt see this coming".

Story of my life

I refuse to be in a relationship where my partner isnt best friend material.

How many times do I have to say this to people. And why in the world does it not make sense to them?

Things may have ended badly for both, but I do know what a super duper best friend is like, and I know what dating someone for 4 years is like.

And it was an incredible 3 years. There's nothing more satisfying than dating someone and being able to say they're youre bestfriend.
Even one despite my ex being a terrible awful douchey mindfuck of a guy, I wish I still had him as a friend. Because I had 0 problem saying anything or doing anything around him. 130% comfortable and it was amazing to be myself. It was also nice to get the support I needed, motivation through anything. I do miss hearing good job or you got this. Its dumb, but its an amazing feeling to feel that someone believes in you and is in your corner.

Im selfish in the way that I want to be able to go to my partner with an issue and have them care, and voice that they care. I want them to even try something,  no matter how dumb, to even make me smile. Be my rock, be my person.

Im unselfish in the way that even if i have a ton of shit going on with me and I cant keep it together for myself, if someone comes to me and theyre falling apart, my shit gets put in hold until I can atleast get that person to smile or feel temporarily better.

I wouldn't change a damn thing about myself in those ways. I think im always let down people most people dont care or love the way I do.

Its a terrible struggle to be a hopeless romantic and super amazing love believer in a world filled with doubtful selfcentered people.

I'll just go continue to be upset now. Its cool bro.

posts removed

I really shouldn't post when ive been drinking.

**removes a few previous posts from a week or so ago**

Jesus. Who lets me drink tequila and blog?!

Writer's block

Ive been very blocked lately.

And I cant stand not being able to write.

Its not just this, its anything. Zero desire to write papers, notes, letters, or this. Im completely full of writers block and its killing me.

But at the same time I feel I have nothing to write. Nothing I havent written a dozen times before pertaining to various people who have came in and out of my life.
Im feeling very unemotional, nothing good, nothing bad. Just very neutral, and that bothers me.

It bothers me that I have tried to write a couple different things and I feel as if im forcing emotions to come out to put down. I dont like feeling as if im forcing things. I dont force things, I give up and move on. There's zero sense in forcing something.
What am I talking about again?

I found something that has caused me to go into over analyzing mode and just think about it. I do not care who wrote it, but I care how much feeling there seems to be. But yet, nothing about that person radiated any of it. And I think its absolutely disgusting and repulsive. I hate, and I mean Haaatteee people who spew shit and abuse the English language to get what they want, or to appear different.
If you are going to he a big talker, you better have some super large actions to back yourself up. Nothing about this writing ever excited me or made me smile. Its disgusted me since the day I got it, and ive finally been able to talk about it.

I hate that people can write such "wonderful" things without even meaning it, and yet im fucking sitting here trying to write something meaningful and im completely blank.

I feel its because im going forward, and then stepping back. Nothing is consistent right now, and maybe that says something.