i tried

i dont even know what to write.

i could write so much,
but cant find even the littlest thing to discuss.


nothing that i want to.



i'll just let it all go for now.

thing from the past resurfaces.

“It'll be no use their putting their heads down and saying "Come up again, dear!"
I shall only look up and say "Who am I then? Tell me that first, and then,
if I like being that person, I'll come up.

if not, I'll stay down here till I'm somebody else"

but, oh dear!' cried Alice, with a sudden burst of tears,

'I do wish they WOULD put their heads down! I am so VERY tired
of being all alone here!”

starting over somewhere again seems like a fantastic idea lately.




even if i'm stuck with a goddamn cat i didn't want in the first place because i knew i'd end up being the one to take care of it, pay for it, keep it.




this entire thing is complete and udder bullshit.

how is this life? f'real

uh

oh lookie,





i'm right back in the same fucking situation.







i'm so glad i did everything i could to prevent it, and still got fucking stuck here.

i'm so annoyed.
alll the time.

this is where my life is sitting.

grumpyface

i hate this blog.

there's a reason i dont update anymore
and its because of all the stupid emotionfilled things i've written down on it.
i've been completely transparent and written whatever the hell is on my mind, regardless of who ends up reading it.

i filled it, and i mean FILLED it from november to march with a ton of stuff that just needs to vanish.
i'd rather read and see the broken down me,
the barely there, not getting out of bed, planning my end, sad miserable posts
than to read the happy ones.


being miserable is easier.
this is a fact

explain.

DO I HAVE A SIGN ON MY BACK
THAT SAYS

"IF YOU STILL CARE ABOUT ME INSANELY, PLEASE APPROACH ME AND TELL ME"


what is this!?



it's either a sick game, the universe is trying to fuck with me, KARMA is showing its face
or
im having to face something.



what is this?!

strongemotions

Halo by MachineHead
is one of the greatest songs
i've ever been introduced to.

all 9 minutes of it is worth it.
i don't care if Ed was the one to introduce me to MH,
and that we shared lots of moments during that song.

i love the way it makes me feel, and i knew exactly the emotion he felt when he told me how this song made him feel.
this song needs to be shared with as many people as possible.
its done some emotion opening to people,
and it should continue.

its not even 100% in the words,
this is a song you need to sit down, focus on,
put everything going on in your life out of your mind,
and just go with the song.
the music itself it completely outstanding.

i'll never forget the vibe of the entire place
the vibe of him
vibe of me
and our vibes clashing
when we saw MH perform this live in Philly.

this song is intense and i've forgotten how good it made me feel.
i forgot how it actually MADE me feel something.

this song needs to be listened to.
felt.
understood.









and why did Ed just text me?

pastispast

Tell me about those nights you stayed awake
Tell me about those days you hated me
Tell me how you'd rather die alone
Than be stuck here with me
and maybe you've fallen down
and maybe you took the l.o.n.g way home
but baby you could never love you like me
[[maybe]] one day this will fade away
In the mirror you'll see a smiling face
and standing next to you will a.l.w.a.y.s be

me

its like wine after whiskey

nothing compares.

happenings revisited?

things come to an end, whether they were good or bad.
i've had the same advice for myself for almost 7 years now and i'll just keep trying to stand by it.

im holding myself together by very little.
or maybe im not.
maybe im actually completely fine.
i dont really know what im talking about.

i contacted a person who was in my life when things were darrkkkkkk.
because after doing some stupid things, i realized i really needed to thank him

pretty much thank him for the fact i'm still alive.

no one knows he was there through everything, and no one knows how much he helped me.
he's one of theee most genuine guys i've met that honestly seemed to give a shit about me.
it got to the point i was calling him to save me
because the person who was suppose to care was always walking out on me.
he asked how that aspect of my life was, and i was able to tell him i was doing better.
hangin on to those fullmoons.

and he understood what i meant.


you can either fail in a piss ridden bed feelin sorry for yourself and being miserable.
or you can fail while trying your hardest and pushing forward.
valerie get your ass out of bed, go into the bathroom and piss.

yessir.

good things are happening.

you may be gone, But I'm still here.

truestory, bro.

maybe?

Watched You Disappear..

 moving forward,
But holding ourselves back, 
And we're waiting on something that will never come.
[I drink to much and don't believe in much of anything]

You're gone, gone, gone away
I watched you disappear
All that's left is the ghost of you.
There's nothing we can do
Just let me go, we'll meet again soon
Now wait, wait, wait for me..

this describes my life perfectly.

pretty much our first night together.
what a romantic gesture.

this book needs to be alice.
with a wonderland reference.

ohhellnaw.

please let march end soon

lessgo.

mylife

sleep.

i'm suffering from sleep paralysis.

after my episode last night


i dont ever want to sleep again.

i'm now terrified.





great. what else is new.

errday im tumblin.

furb.

See I don't know why you cryin' like a bitch
Talkin' shit like a snitch 
If you really didn't care
You wouldn't wanna share
Tellin' everybody just how you feel

Fuck what I did was your fault somehow
Fuck the presents, I threw all that shit out
Fuck all the cryin' it didn't mean jack
Well guess what, fuck you right back

You thought you could really make me moan
I had better sex all alone
I had to turn to your friend
Now you want me to come back

You questioned did I care
Maybe I would have if you woulda gone down there
Now it's over.


Fuck all those nights I moaned real loud
Fuck it, I faked it, aren't you proud
Fuck all those nights you thought you broke my back
Well guess what, your sex was wack

Rabbit Hole Jumping.

short. simple. notsweet.


unsure.


what's going on.

hating myself.

hating him more.

sabotaged.

never wanted shit like this.



i neeed someone.

Let me just say this..

it's pretty much a fact

i'm never going to lose weight.

i'm so. UNMOTIVED anymore.
I'M TRYING DAMMIT.





why isn't anything working. at all.
this bitch is so just going to keep getting fatter.

i cannot stand this.

6 lbs by april.
NO BITCH
i'd like to lose 20 by april/may

HOW DO I DO THAT.
and just look and feel as great as i use to?


i'm a whale.

I'm Moving.

and maybe that's why im not sleeping anymore

all nighter for no freakin reason. its noowww 8am, AND I GOT CLASS IN 3 hours. and its snowing like a muthaaa fuckkkaaa outside.

i'd totally skip since its just health, but my down and out ass skipped health all week last week.
god. they shouldnt have classes in the winter, its so hard for me to get my ass out in that snow just go get to class.

it's not something i need in my life. i can think of a millliooonnn  other things that are more important in my life.

BUT NO I HAVE TO LIVE IN PA WHERE IT SNOWS.

i could be more north and have more snow, but i'd kill myself then.
PA ive loved you for almost 23 years now, but im really getting sick of you.
i'm only 5'6" but I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE with the cold weather and the snow.


I NEED WARM WEATHER. i'd die for a little sun, and 50degree weather right now.

i cant take this anymore. i've seriously been considering schools more south, like, S. Carolina. because its warmer.
Neumont University is in Utah, and i've been dying to go to that school since i was 16.

but the carolinas sound so nice.
lets look into that some more. because i can't handle this snow at all.

Pennsylvania i think i've given up on you. i'm moving.

Tension.

i need to seriously start wearing my glasses whenever i find them at my mom's house.
i can just feel the tension lately behind my eyes.


it doesnt help ive been stressed.

so stupid out of it, that i legit had a bloodsugar drop today. today was the worst i've had it in a long time.
i couldnt stand, threw up and couldnt see anything.
i do not miss laying on my bathroom floor shaking

im so glad i have a best friend. she knew the second i told her i didnt feel good.
she got me in the car and home as fast as possible. made me food and such.
it was just terrible.

BUT! while all that was happening,
boy texted me. when i finally felt better enough, with the help of sugar pills i got from a housemate,
i checked my phone because i figured Matt had texted me
but IT WAS MY BOYFRIEND.
i started jumping and yelling
and then i had to sit my ass on the kitchen floor because my sugar was still stupid low.


things are out there now. in the open. it didn't go at all the way i thought it would
not yet.
i keep telling myself to just wait, wait until things sink in, and then that'll be it.
this wasn't how this past month was suppose to go. i wanted good news to give i wanted to be able to say, baby things were okay, i missed you masssiveelyy and it was terrible, but i was alright, i kept busy aced all my stuff, finished my game, cleaned, and just was focused while nothing bad happened.


Karma, or Allah didn't feel like it should be that way.
hah allah. YEABOI.

anywhooo im just going to remain worried and stressed.
its 5am again.ii need sleep so bad

im gunna go snuggle and reread over some texts. including old saved ones that make me smile.

these 2 weeks went by pretty fast. they weren't THAT bad.
i suppose its a mindset.
well. nnow it's behind me.

Conversations.

Her: Well, I'm fine. I'll be fine, really. 
Him: Really? I don't think so. You're trapped.
          You're gonna die if you don't break free.
          Maybe not right away because you're strong
          but sooner or later that fire that I love about you,
          that fire's gonna burn out... 
Her: It's not up to you to save me. 
Him: You're right, only you can do that. 

CRM

Please Stay?

creeps come out at night

for fucking real.
BACK THE FUCK OFF

if i have told you
THREEEE MUTHA FUCKING TIMES I DONT WANNA SKYPE WITH YOU
OR WATCH YOU GET YOUR SELF OFF,

I
DO
NOT
WANT
TO
!!!!!

what is so fucking hard about that concept?
who fucking does that anyway?
i do not give any flying fucks if you "like an audience"
i am not that audience.

and if i KEEP BRINGING UP my boyfriend in conversation
THEN IT SHOULD BE PRETTY DAMN FUCKING DAMN CLEAR I DONT NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU. AT ALL.



"how long you guys been dating"

few months. 3 or 4. don't see eachother much

"righteous. well why dont we skype?"

because, im loyal. lol. im pretty happy with him, not matter how far he is.
havent heard a word in over 2 weeks, but i know i will eventually. so i wait.

"well thats good, do you look at porn? its the same thing"



for real scumbag, just go away.

For The First Time

I've finished a video game, and allll by myself nonetheless.
it was Alice Madness Returns. and it was wonderful. i sat for a good 12 hours straight deeterrrmindd and i kicked ass. im beyond ecstatic.. hah. :D

atleast i have that to be happy about. everything else seems to be leaning towards "shot to shit"
but i'm also figuring out things financially and it'll be really nice when i get most of my bills paid off and get my car insurance reinstated.
i hate that i let things get so far down the wrong rabbit hole. i cannot wait until the summer where all i do is work.
this chick likes working.

anyways today, like most days, ive really done nothing. and ive spent the last few hours laying on my couch in my living room with the lights off, and a bunch of candles lit, just enjoying movies. i'm keeping to myself.

got some bad Karma showing its face this past week and im not appreciating it.
i'm wondering why. and as of right now things are... "at bay" because of where boy is and such.
i feel like things arent going to go over well, and for this i keep telling myself to prepare for the worst, so when things come crashing, im already guarded and ready for it.
is it bad when you start preparing for someone to possibly leave you?

that sounds so goddamn awful. i could easily be over reacting, but i wouldnt be me if i didn't. i've got to think the worst in every situation because i'd like to be ready for it. i dont want to be more.. broken.
so yes, i live vulnerable, but guarded.
and for the past day or so i've been going over in my head every possibility, and focusing on the being alone after all this is said and done part. i'm scared, and really not ready for this especiallythis way.
im so sick of bad decisions coming back and biting me in the ass.


know what i love about the movie Crazy/Beautiful? The girl, Nicole, is a little nuts and has a lot of social and daddy issues. and my mom never committed suicide, and im not a total trouble maker. but theres things and emotions that i can easily relate to.

you wanna know a girl? listen to the words to her favorite song, or the storyline to her favorite movies. they'll tell you all about her

anyways. i have this paper thing due tuesday.
but  we're given other options instead of a formal written paper. so this chick is making a website. which im excited for. its been so freakin long since i made one.

its about 3am now, and ive really got nothin to write about. im so out of it mentally and emotionally.
maybe ill go cuddle in bed now. ive been barely sleeping, and when i do, its very random.

theyyy say that when you can't sleep, its because you're awake in someone else's dream.
god damn im hoping this is true.
i want someone to be thinking about me.




i really hope someone is...

What It Comes Down To

Everything is just fine, fine fine,
because one hands in my pocket, and the other is holdin' a cigarette.


so. i thought i was going to quit smoking.
but i failed miserably and bought 2 packs the other day.
fuckmyllife.

i'll do it another day, right now, i'm happy with sitting on my bathroom floor, with my exhaust fan blowing and just smoking.
i'm feeling pretty alone lately.
there's things i wanna talk to Cam about, but he's not accessible right now. and i wouldnt want to burden him even if he did have his phone.
boy has to stay focused.
i've been doing really good in classes this semester, and i'm feeling pretty good about it.
the only down fall? is i feel i'm not being challenged at all; the papers i have to write? the professors don't push, they don't expect your best. so i find myself waiting until minutes before having to hand it in just to finish them, and not trying my hardest.
which is sad, because i'm an amazing writer.
TEACHERS STEP UP YO GAME!


on another note, i went to the doctor the other day, and found out i'm still having issues that stemmed from my kidney shit.
i'm so sick of being fucking sick
there's wayy more to all of this, but i'm not posting any of it.
it's extremely personal, but it's something that's weighing me down pretty bad.

it's Feb 23, so March is almost here, and before i know it i'll be talking to Cameron again;
i just cant get over the fact i've gone over a week without hearing from him. hah. that sounds dumb doesnt it?
well to me it's not dumb, its a pretty decent feat for me. so i'm enjoying that i'm able to do this.
but it also is one of the reasons why i'm sitting in my bathroom chainsmoking.

i'm where i want to be
but yet i'm not.
iunno whats going on really right now, i think i'm sick of the bad weather and the dark.
i really need warmer weather and i need the sun
i'm really gettin down and i cannot take this.


[[[its where you wanna be]]]

NoteToMyself;;Try.

these are things i will work on.

how.are.you.feeling.

ThingsNotSaid

I hope your doing fine
And if you ever wonder,
I'm lonely here tonight
Lost here in this moment and time keeps slipping by
And if I could have just one wish
I'd have you by my side

i miss you,
and if today I don't see your face
Nothing's changed, no one can take your place
It gets harder everyday

Please say: "you love me more than you did before
And I'm sorry it's this way
But I'm coming home,

And if you ask me I will stay"

5am revisited Monday Morning

Note to self:

                           I miss you terribly.

                           This is what we call a tragedy.

                           Come back to me

come back to me-

to me.

#TrueStory

I've been up three days, Adderall and Redbull
This call is a mistake; There’s something strong in this water bottle.
I hear you got a new chick, A dancing little Barbie doll
I feel so pathetic
But you still haven’t heard it all

I ran into your homeboys, they’re all fucking idiots
You’re not even my boyfriend
But they're tripping cause I’m in the club
I’ma send a sexy picture to remind you what you’ve given up

Fuck that new girl that you like so bad
She’s not crazy like me, I bet you like that
I said fuck that new girl that’s been in your bed
And when you’re in her I know I’m in your head

I’m just saying you can't do better
Always turned you out every time we were together
Once you had the best, boy, you can’t do better
Baby, I’m the best so you can’t do better

Truths.

 truth: its never happened.

 truth: no. i deserved this.

 truth: i am starving

 truth: this scares me.

 truth: this is my favorite moment.

 truth: i asked my own mother that once

 truth: this sounds too good to be true.

truth: this is always the most awkward thing ever.

 truth: walking away is best. it's not considered giving up. its putting yourself first.

 truth: over and over again.

truth: this made me happier than i should be.

most of whats been done to me, doesn't show.

the only ones that really bother me are my car accident ones,

that was awful.