For The First Time

I've finished a video game, and allll by myself nonetheless.
it was Alice Madness Returns. and it was wonderful. i sat for a good 12 hours straight deeterrrmindd and i kicked ass. im beyond ecstatic.. hah. :D

atleast i have that to be happy about. everything else seems to be leaning towards "shot to shit"
but i'm also figuring out things financially and it'll be really nice when i get most of my bills paid off and get my car insurance reinstated.
i hate that i let things get so far down the wrong rabbit hole. i cannot wait until the summer where all i do is work.
this chick likes working.

anyways today, like most days, ive really done nothing. and ive spent the last few hours laying on my couch in my living room with the lights off, and a bunch of candles lit, just enjoying movies. i'm keeping to myself.

got some bad Karma showing its face this past week and im not appreciating it.
i'm wondering why. and as of right now things are... "at bay" because of where boy is and such.
i feel like things arent going to go over well, and for this i keep telling myself to prepare for the worst, so when things come crashing, im already guarded and ready for it.
is it bad when you start preparing for someone to possibly leave you?

that sounds so goddamn awful. i could easily be over reacting, but i wouldnt be me if i didn't. i've got to think the worst in every situation because i'd like to be ready for it. i dont want to be more.. broken.
so yes, i live vulnerable, but guarded.
and for the past day or so i've been going over in my head every possibility, and focusing on the being alone after all this is said and done part. i'm scared, and really not ready for this especiallythis way.
im so sick of bad decisions coming back and biting me in the ass.


know what i love about the movie Crazy/Beautiful? The girl, Nicole, is a little nuts and has a lot of social and daddy issues. and my mom never committed suicide, and im not a total trouble maker. but theres things and emotions that i can easily relate to.

you wanna know a girl? listen to the words to her favorite song, or the storyline to her favorite movies. they'll tell you all about her

anyways. i have this paper thing due tuesday.
but  we're given other options instead of a formal written paper. so this chick is making a website. which im excited for. its been so freakin long since i made one.

its about 3am now, and ive really got nothin to write about. im so out of it mentally and emotionally.
maybe ill go cuddle in bed now. ive been barely sleeping, and when i do, its very random.

theyyy say that when you can't sleep, its because you're awake in someone else's dream.
god damn im hoping this is true.
i want someone to be thinking about me.




i really hope someone is...