My Body is Attacking itself...again.

im really sick and tired of being sick.
not cold sick, flu sick or vomiting sick,
actual health problems sick.


i've had hypoglycemia all my life, which isn't medication controlled, i just make sure i consume enough complex sugars to keep me going. but when my anxiety acts up, when im nervous, scared, or pushing myself, my body eats away at whatever sugar level i have, and i crash. i end up pale faced, throwing up, and passing out. its not a very good scene when this happens.

i've had anemia for awhile too, this is just sort of a side effect to my hypoglycemia. my iron deficiency isn't THAT big of an issue, but it really gets out of whack during my period. i sleep constantly.

i've dealt with broncitis about a million times in my life, and even suffered through Toxic Shock Syndrome, which was one of the worst sicknesses i've ever had.

at 13 i started throwing up in the morning whenever i had to wake up early; which was alot because i was in school. even on weekends, or holidays, if i was up before 10:30am, i was bathroom bound until i threw up. never food, just stomach bile. no matter what i did. and food? i could even watch anyone else eat food, without feeling sick. there were mornings i'd try and not throw up, but then i was sick for the rest of the day. it became routine, wake up, force myself to throw up, and then go about my day. i always felt better when i threw up.
i did this whole, throw up in the morning routine for 6 years. finally things seemed to subside during my freshman year of college. even now though, if i wake up real early, i'm sick to my stomach and have the need to throw up. i've found ways around trying to control it though, but honestly, there's still times i force myself to throw up just to feel better.
morning sickness with no baby, for 6 years. its been awful.
there's christmas and easter videos where my stepdad thought it was funny to record my morning throw up routine. haha.

by 14 i was having abdominal pain, and finally went to the doctor to find out i had an ovarian cyst the size of a lemon. THING WAS HUGE. and extremely painful. was put on birth control instantly to try and get rid of the cysts that weren't disappearing. i lucked out, and they went away without surgery.
the birth control became an issue though. my body was still changing hormonally at 13, so to add the pill on top of it caused issues. ontop of throwing up in the morning, i was now throwing up throughout the day. then finally when my body adjusted to it, and i stopped feeling sick from the pill, it'd give my headaches.
the last time i took birthcontrol was about 2-3 years ago, when i was 19. from 14-19, i had been on 3 or 4 different brands of pills. one that made me sick, one that gave me headaches, one that didn't work, and the last one i just stopped taking because im fed up with extra hormones.

that's right, a birth control didn't work like it was suppose to. i was on YAZ for awhile, and no headaches, no sickness, it seemed perfect! until a late night, hot and heavy session with my boyfriend at the time, led to me sitting on his bathroom floor, throwing up crying. my body was in severe pain and i couldnt even stand up or move. he carried me home, and i went to the ER to find out i had an ovarian cyst burst, and it had been so large that the fluid from inside it was all the way up in my chest/rib area. that led to me being on tons of antibiotics and pain meds. that was some awful pain as well.
that also just meant i needed to find ANOTHER birth control that would prevent my cysts.

i gave up when i was about 19. i was on a pill that made me sick, but was bearable, and seemed to work, but after 5 years, i was sick of taking my pill, and dealing with missed pills, and this and that. its just too much work. the patch sucks, nuva ring is dumb, and the shots are complicated. i gave up on birth control. and took a chance at getting ovarian cysts again.

i haven't had any ovarian cysts since then, by i had one in my tata shortly after that. it scared the SHIT out of me when i found it. my ex asked me if that was normal...i felt it, and ran home crying. i was terrified, worried and thought i was going to be bald and die. i went through surgery, and had to take time off of work to heal and such. that was painful too. but luckily, it wasn't cancerous and i haven't any issues since.
but i'm checking constantly.
breast cancer runs in my family wayyy too much, and at early ages, so its something thats always in the back of my mind.

what other health issues am i missing?

my migraines.
LORD IF YOU EXIST, PLEASE MAKE THEM GO AWAY FOR GOOD.
i wish i could say i just had headaches like a normal person, but i don't.
there's rarely a day, or time that i don't have a headache, but it's become so common, i just live with them.
but my migraines? i cry. and sit in the dark. and cry. and try to sleep.
i have medication for them when they get bad, but it doesn't always help, and i cant drive when i take them, so if i'm out and i get one, im screwed.
they're so bad, i throw up, lose my vision and just can't do anything.
when i have them i honestly feel that slamming my head against the wall would feel better, but i've yet to actually try it.
it's unbelievable how bad my headaches can get. it makes me thankful that i only have small headaches constantly, if they were always migraines, i'd honestly kill myself.

i've also had random bladder infections, urinary tract infections, dealt with an unwanted infection i got from an ex, and other various sicknesses, but now i'm feeling like i got kicked in my fucking back.

the other night i was laying watching netflix, and my back was killing me, but i thought it was from moving a pallet of dog food at work; shit ain't light after awhile. so i put a heating pad on it, and took ibuprofen and hoped it would just subside.
nothing, the heat did nothing for it.
i tried to sleep, and hope it would go away, all i did was lightly sleep, and dream about being in pain. i woke up, tried to stretch, thinking it was the bed i was sleeping on, and i was in pain. not normal muscle pain either.
finally fell asleep, just to wake up a few hours later.
at this point i was so nauseous i had to get up and go to the bathroom. well, it being 5am, my sister was in the bathroom closest to me getting ready for school. when i went to walk downstairs, i realized my pain wasn't any better, but about 10x worse.
i had to be thee saddest scene, i was sitting on my bathroom floor, trying to throw up, while crying because of the pain i was in. i just wanted it to freakin stop. and there was nothing i could do.
i've become accustomed to carrying my phone with my EVERYWHERE from back when Cam went into the field, i didn;t wanna ever miss his calls, so i had it in the bathroom with me, so i called my sister [who was right above me in the upstairs bathroom] and had her wake my step dad up.
after various phone calls to my mom, who is a night RN at a well-known hospital, my step dad drove me to the ER.
after IV's, CAT scans, and various pain meds, they found NOTHING FUCKING WRONG WITH ME.

no kidney stones, not pregnant, nothing abnormal in my urine or blood. so they gave me oxycodone, my antibiotic, and another med to keep both of those pills from making me sick.

i'm a few days in, and im not feeling any better. the pain is bearable, i'm able to move about and work,
but it's getting to the point where i'm wanting to start crying again. something is wrong, and i cant stand it.

they said if the pain doesn't go away, they want me back, to do more CAT scans to see if my kidneys are working correctly, or if there's blood clotting or failure somewhere.

i always think the worst of everything too, so i swear i'm looking at my left kidney going through some sort of failure. hah.

i just wanna be able to eat, without feeling sick. i want to be able to sleep, and walk, and work without feeling like someone had me on the ground and kicked me in the back.

i'm also developing pains where my ovarian cyst pain normally is. i can't handle all this body pain. haha.

remember in the movie Old Yeller, where the dog had rabies or something, and the dad went out and shot him to put him out of his misery?

Someone needs to put me out of my misery. haha. My body needs to stop attacking itself, its really becoming a pain in the ass.

<3 i'm tired from Christmas Festivities, i'm gunna go crash.

Yes Sir.

I choose to be happy.

i feel other people should as well.
dont like something

fucking do something about it.
stop complaining about it; that is unless its out of your control entirely.
sometimes there are things we just need to learn to deal and cope with.

but if you feel you're complaining and unhappy for the majority of your relationship with a significant other,
please do everyone and yourself a favor,
honestly, just leave.
working on things can be done, but there's only so much you can do for yourself and your relationship.

it being christmas eve and all, im left thinking about the past year, and years before it.
this past year, as i've stated numerous times, was not the best.
the years before that were pretty good, with some rough patches.
but this year really knocked me down, and continued to kick me even when i said stop.
some people just don't listen.

but i was asking for it as well this past year. i'm to blame for a lot of what happened, and i'm over it.
i can't take back what i've done, and i wouldn't. i wish i would've met a few people under different circumstances, so we could continue to be friends, and so i didn't feel like i had to be cautious about certain people showing up places.
but whats done is done, and even though i still feel like i'm sitting on the ground, on a very dirty sidewalk
no ones kicking anymore, and i'm not asking for it to be 'harder' either.


i'm not one for regrets at all, and who knows, in a week i could feel completely different,
but my sister got me thinking about something recently.
she recently broke up with her boyfriend, and they're 15/17 yrs old, and they have had states seperating them for a long time. which, doesnt mean anything, Cam and I have states seperateing us, and i dont want people judging us,
but what always bothered me about my sister's relationship is that she was 14/15 planning her whole life out to be with this one boy, who was a good 4-5 states away. i knew that meant she'd go to homecoming dances alone, proms alone, and always feel lonely when she went to parties, or other get togethers. i know that feeling all too well from a past relationship. and thats not how i wanted my sister to spend her highschool years. a lot of people hated highschool and never would go back. i loved my highschool years, i was friends with everyone, everyone liked me, i did amazing in school, and my boyfriend at the time was just, genuinely incredible. i knew how perfect homecomings could be with a boyfriend, and i knew how amazinggg my prom was because of him as well. When prom came around, i wasn't sure if he was going to be able to go, because of his age and the school's rules about older, graduated guests. and those few days while i was waiting to get approval from the school, i felt like i was holding my breath. prom would have been nothing if i would've went by myself, or with a guy/girl friend, i would've felt like something was missing.
i didn't want my sister's highschool years to be like that.

and now they won't be. and she's devestated that they broke up. and he's with his ex already, and so on and such. all that highschool stuff.
so i sat down to talk with her about how i dealt with my first major break up.

ryan! that boy, haha. i ran into him just 2 days ago, sat and talked with him for a little bit. i've never stopped talking to that boy, and i hope i never do. him and I, we've got our demons, and mannn do we clash. but he was my world when i was 15. him and i, we were going to get married, definitely. haha. or so we talked about when we were 15, just like my sister and her ex.
leaving him was hard, because i so badly wanted that relationship to fix itself and work out. but i felt like i was the only one trying, putting forth effort. i got ignored time and time again, and yelled and screamed at.
he once flipped out so bad on me, he up and smashed his guitar against a brick wall in public while yelling at me.
it was terrible.
i stayed with him longer than i should have, honestly. the things that boy said to me, when i was just 16 years old, were some really hurtful things, that still cross my mind once in a while. he had me believing i was the worst person in the entire world, and i was better off dead. thank you ryan, for being a wonderful boyfriend in the beginning, but turning out to be so veryyy bad for me in the end.

how did i move on from my first major boyfriend? i broke up with him, and the next day my mom took me to the beach for a few days. i wasn't allowed to text or call ryan at all. but i had bryan in my life at that point.
he was what helped me leave ryan, to be completely honest.

he was a person i befriended, and friend zoned, and would just listen to me talk.
he gave me completely unbiased answers, and just helped me talk things out, until i came to a conclusion on my own.
bryan? i dated that boy for 3 months shy of 4 years. those 4 years were the best. i was the healthiest, i was the happiest, i was the most driven, on track person i've ever been. i didn't drink, i didn't smoke, i didn't party, i got straight A's, everything was perfect.
but i felt like i was 40 years old, when i was only 20.

we were going to get married. that's how serious i was about Bryan. Maroon was the color, and Sept. 28th, 2013 was the date. and we weren't even engaged yet, but it was coming. and i think that's why i ran,
fast,
in the other direction
non stop
did i mention fast?

i broke up with him in June 2011, and i knew, for a fact, by December 2011, we were going to of been engaged. "by the end of the year babe, but i'm not telling you when"
i'm sure it was going to be in November though, he was awful at hiding things when he was excited.
but whatever, where am i going? i don't know.

i loved him, honestly. but i wasn't even 21 yet, and i wanted to party, i wanted to be wild, and have fun like i did when i was 14.
that wasn't bryan's scene. and i got a phone call from a friend saying to go to Joey's house because him and his girlfriend just split, and he was upset.
i've told myself so many times this past year, i wish i wouldn't of went. i should've fought my friend, and just stayed asleep in bed.
the fact that that i remember everything, down to the exact bedsheets i had on my bed when i got that call,
i should've known things were going to change.

i met ed. and from there, i stopped caring about anything and everything. he had me crying within the first week of officially dating him.
i suppose friends with bens, should stay friends with bens sometimes.
i should've known from me crying within the first week,
and the fact that i kissed his friend, on his birthday, in a bar, while he was blackout drunk passed out in his friend's car, that it wasn't the relationship i was looking for.
did i mention he asked me out the day after his birthday, and i said yes?
i never said i was perfect, or that i didn't do terrible things.
and i'm no longer going to sit here and say "well he did this, so i did this back"
because that's dumb. things shouldn't work that way. we should've never made it past August, let along got back together in October.
i didn't fess up about kissing his best friend until October, want the exact date?
the 17th, when his friend left for Basic training.
by october, his friend and i had kissed a bunch of times since my ex's birthday. bad situations, bad feelings, and a lot of...conning was done.
i won't say i didn't willingly kiss his friend, but i will say, that friend can be no good. he did a lot of conning and setting things up, to get me right where he wanted me. between drunken 2am phone calls from him, suicide attempts on his end, and showing up when i least expected him,
he made it hard for me not to notice him, and i was just someone who wanted attention, since my boyfriend at the time wanted nothing more but to up and leave me alone at every party, friends house, get together, or bar we went to.
i remember the time ed took me to joe's house, and him and the boys started smoking, which was something i had asked him not to do in front of me.
the only person i ever felt cared about me, was his best friend.
dave and i killed a case by ourselves that night, and i was sick.
i, somehow?, walked down off the porch, and sat in the grass, and threw up.
...i never said i was classy either.
and when i was done being sick, i sat there, and yelled for ed. and got no response.
did that a few times within the next 10 minutes, until his friend finally told me he left, to bring danielle? home
to this day, i don't want to know if anything happened or not, im still bothered by the fact he knowingly left his girlfriend in the yard, plastered, sick, and calling for him, to give another girl a ride home, without even TELLING his girlfriend he'd "be right back"
that was one of the many nights dave saved me.

where was i going with this?
ah. that's right.
so ya, this past year, was packedddd with lots of wild, and lots of fun, and wild parties, trippy drugs, hard booze, heavy rock n roll, and unmentionable sex.
and now i'd like to just, move on from it.
slightly?

i want an inbetween. i'd like to feel responsible, but have fun at the same time. i don't care if i have to be single to achieve that, but that's what i'm striving for for the next year.
i've been in shambles for over a year now, and i don't like it.

i mentioned regret somewhere up there didn't i?
i regret the things i shared with my most recent ex.
i've heard a few people wish they would've given their vcard to someone else, or not dated this person, or done that in their life,
but i try not to regret many things in my life.
ryan? he can keep that vcard i gave him, he got me through my rough teenage years, and im glad i shared it with him, even if things got rocky.
bryan? i wouldn't change much, at all. no regrets here. he showed me amazing guys exist.
ed? there really were good times, but they weren't major, or long lasting. the longest we ever went without fighting was honestly a week. i kept track. with him, i appreciate the "losing control" i had with him, it was fun to not give a damn for a little bit. but i regret sharing things with him, information, stories, things about me. he shouldn't know any of it. he knows things i couldn't bring to tell or even consider sharing with anyone else. then again, i'm the only one that knows a few of his things too. i just wish i would've kept a few of my personal secrets, well, a secret. people don't need to know everything about you,
everyone has things they chose never to tell anyone.
he doesn't know all, but he knows most, i regret that.

maybe there was a reason for it.
there's a lesson here, but i'm not even worried about figuring it out.
 i've got new, better, happier things to focus on these days.


not sure how i got writing any of this.
my sister!
thanks sissy, because what i really wanted to do at 230 am is write a long post. haha.


i picked my own happiness for once,
and everyday, from the first text i get from Cam,
to the ones where he's telling me to get sleep,
i'm reminded why i needed to finally put myself first.

it's christmas eve!
in less than 24 hours, i'll be watching A nightmare before Christmas, as it's a personal tradition,
and maybe i can get boy to skype with me.


someone bring him to me for christmas?
it's really all i want.

Speak The Truth Hemingway!

already miss him saying goodnight.

and he alsoooo suckered me realll fast

by kissing me everytime he left me,

even if it was only for a few minutes.

this is the first time i've had someone like this.

WHAT IS THIS.

whatever it is,

i'm loving it.

The Best Words I've Heard In Forever.

"See you tomorrow baby"



yes.

the day is here.




GOING TO VISIT MY BOYFRIEND.


<3

when the curious girl gets lost.

somethings sitting in me and i dont like it.
there's nothing really there, but its one of those times where i cant seem to figure out what is going on.
i honestly hate feeling like this.

especially when its so close to being so very happy.
i've got less than 48 hours until i see the person who makes me the happiest,
and here i am at 5am not able to turn off my mind of anything and everything.

i wish i could say it was something in particular, or something bothering me
but its not.
its just noise. its like the fucking weather channel, its nothing really important, or life changing, but its still there. still on.

demons are birthing demons.
i need to calm myself down and i really don't know how.
well, i do.
but i wont.

or will i.

i hate this.

why is wonderland so...tricky?

Things I'll Never Forget.

it's incredible how images of objects bring back so many memories.
let the good times roll, and good vibes fllooowww.

 Summer '11 Dave was the only one who could beat me.

good party, long night, lots of drama. Dave saved me.

 This was my 21st birthday weekend.

I ran into my house after work on friday

[my birthday wasn't until the following tuesday]

and got drunk. Rat Pack started this night. <3 love them.

 Minutes after Joey left for basic.

left me with a lot of tears and promises. bahah.

did these shots with the Rat Pack boys.

 

 Sneaking shots behind my ex's back with my bestie.

 this was a random monday night.

unplanned, but very successful.

 girl's night. with the girls. ha.

 the day randomly bought him our love child.

rest in piece goliath. i loved you lots.

 missing my old bedroom.

 sniff.here

 my mom draws the best sad faces

in notes when she's mad at me.

 this boy means a lot to me.

lovinnn life.

 random adventure with Nick.

my lizard's crickets were sticking to eachother.

 the sulcata tortoise at my work.

with a house on her shell. <3

 "we can have more fun sober"

2 of my boys and i spent all night driving around

we broke the sliding door at Weis,

played hunger games at walmart

and then bought packages of army gummyguys

and set up our battle stations at a local gas station.

we asked customers to play with us too.

it was 3am, and they did.

 

 my ex knew how to do a few things right,

making me a Cheshire Cat easter egg was one of them.

 I absolutely adore my dermals.

the day i got them.

lots of food means 1 thing:

Courtneys coming over and we're having a girls night.

 Nick is honestly my best friend.

 This was my pet rat Dinah [named after Alice]

 I miss her everyday of my life.

 my 21st birthday presents from my brother.

 my momma loves snowmen. tooo much.

my ex didn't set them up right, and she tweaked.

 hookah bar night.

we had a group of 16 people, including my parents.

[miss my android with Cpt. America sticker]

 this describes some of my summer.

reddd mustang.

 trip out to visit my bestie at college, with her cat.

awful. awful drive. terrible events.

 because i love the cheshire cat

and he loved me, somedays.

 i'm amazing at surprises.

happy valentines day to an old ex.

over 300 sticky notes.

 because i'm boss at multimedia when i want to be.

 happy 20th birthday to me.

 i will get back to Baltimore, MD if its the last thing i do.

i love it there.

 Bryan and I took a trip to Disney.

first grown up thing ever.

my prom, bryan's civic

and the wonderful car plate i bought him.