Minions: Apply within..

there's so much i want to say.
its like, screaming its so bad.
about everything. from my mommabear, to my daddy, to my nieces, my step brother and the new guy thats got me goin.

i cannot contain myself honestly.
but its 4:13am where i am, and i haveeee to be up before 11am. ugh.

there's just so much i want to talk about.
and write, and get out there.
and just run around and tell everyone.



i should not be the only one feeling as good as i have been lately.
this.must.be.shared.

BUT HOW.
hah.
so tired. dont wanna get indepth.
but it all needs indepth.
surface scratching wouldnt do justice or be fair.

I'D LOVE TO WATCH ALICE IN WONDERLAND RIGHT NOW.

aliceinwonderland in kansas, snuggled.
this.is.needed.
WHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY.


because. i dont know, rambles.

anyways, i need minions to go insiddeeee my mind and write this stuff out for me. so i can stop collecting things that i neeeeddd to write down. stuff i want to write down.
why is it that when things are going good in my life, i write less. the shittier, the more i write.

keepsmesane!

im crashing.

i sound dumb with all the stupid lyrics ive been posting.
but im just glad things are in a better direction.
i'm happy.
head in the clouds, dont bring me down.


waitin for something awful to knock me on my ass.

REALITY CHECKKK!


!<3

you said it in a simple way
4 AM, the second day;
stumbled through the long goodbye
one last kiss, then catch your flight [drive away]

right when I was just about to

                                                 fall

And this is when the feeling sinks in
I don't wanna miss you like this;

I guess you're in Kansas today.
I don't wanna need you this way.

This is falling in love in the cruelest way,
This is falling for you & you are w.o.r.l.d.s  a.w.a.y.

Come back... Be here

he lights a cigarette, his eyes half open
he won't be home tonight, but she keeps hopin'
drinking himself to sleep is his only way of copein'
she waits for him every night-

she leaves the front door open

 

Engaged?! WHHHATTTT!

anyways. now that i've gotten everyyyone's attention,
i just wanted to state that i had the best weekend i've had in a very long time.

This is what i needed, this is what cleared my head, got me stronger, and where i'd like to be.

I acedddddd my paper i wrote the other night too by the way.

Just this past wednesday i really thought Karma and life, and everything else was out to get me, really show me how shitty things can be.
but just like i've alllwayss told anyone who ever needed advice,
when you're at your lowest, the only place to go from there is up.

and i'm up. Not as up and perfect as i'd like to be. but, i will not complain at this time about things.
I'm still taking in all the positive i've got right now.

oh. i'm not engaged either. just wanted to get the attention this post deserves. ha. >.< sorryi'mnotsorry.

it's 6am where i'm at. and i've been up since 3am. within the past few hours i've felt the saddest, not angry annoyed pissed off letdown or whatnot, just truely sad that i've been in a while as well. but, it was expected and i just misjudged exactly how upset i'd be,

but its alright, i got this. I'm a strong person, i know that, and i'll hold it down over here for as long as i have to.. <3

i wish i could explain exactly what my weekends been like..
i'm glad the weekend went so perfect, so well, because a lot of unnecessary stress and bullycrap is going to happen i'm sure. and i'm not just talking about bullshit as in stupid dumb stuff, i'm also talking about bullycrap, the whole bullying someone because of something and its just crap.

bullycrap i tell ya. but it's alright. this girl doesn't care anymore.

I'm needing sleep in the worst way. I've been reallyyyy sleep deprived this past weekend from all the adventures. and i got class at 11am today. letsssgo 4 more hours of sleep.


<33 yesssiirrrrr.

Not Myself You See..

you tried to lie and say that i was everything.

i remember when i said i'm nothing without you.

you always thought that i left myself open

but you didn't know that i was always broken.

pulling away is taking everything i have.

somehow i found a way to get lost in you.

let me inside, let me get close to you.

change your mind.

i'll get lost if you want me to.

Seems i've Lost my way.

this one goes out to the ones i've lost, i've put aside and never given a chance because i'm so strong willed, and never know when to give up.

names aren't importanrt, i know who those men are,
and i'll quote my wonderful friend John Paul whose continued to stand by me no matter how many times i let him down,

"Valerie, you're true. Truly a Certified Heartbreaker"

he's been calling me that for YEARS now. and i never understood it, i figured it was him just saying it because he's wanted a chance to date me since we were in 6th grade, but i friendzoned him always.

now, i understand it a lot more. by putting another person in that box, that friend zone, that "not right now" its him not you, spot.

i can't even begin to think of all the chances i've had to make the last year and a half of my life better and i always ignore it. Hell, it could've ended up badly with any of them, thats a risk anyone faces, but instead i chose my "safer" route. i knew he'd continue to hurt me, let me down and not even care, it's something i can call and see ahead of time, so i stay.

lets use a perfect word and its definition right now..

Definition for masochist:

someone who obtains pleasure from receiving punishment.

i suppose most people see being a masochist as someone who enjoys physical pain, punishment, hurt. But not many people think about someone being a emotional, psycological masochist.  and i don't enjoy it, so i suppose the word doesnt REALLY fit what i'm trying to get across, but i'm stuck here. in this unhealthy relationship, there's no physical abuse, i've never been hit by this one, or pushed around in an unhealthy manner. it's gotten damn close i feel though, when those times come with anyone for some reason i stand my ground and openly ask if they're going to hit me, and if they're going to, to go right ahead. i don't mean to push buttons, but i'd rather know what they're capable of, then to find out unexpectedly one day.

he swears he never could, and i've seen him have some incredible self control before. but i doubt any man atleast a little when they say they could never hit a woman. i've seen it, had it, it happens. everyones got their demons, and their breaking points when they're not themselves anymore and they see nothing but red. it happens, i've been there.

i'm getting off track a little. lets go back to the ones i've turned down, the ones that have turned me into the Certified Heartbreaker, because those men all deserve some sort of recognition.

I've burned my bridges with them, unfortunately. They're the good ones, the ones that finish last, the ones everyone oversees and doesn't pay attention to. Girls pick assholes. I'll be the first to openly admit it, i'll go on the record and fight all women on it. We like men that treat us like shit. No idea why.

Then again, we also like a man who can help us pick up our pieces and make us a better person. Ive had my share of both, I've picked the Nice guy before, and it was perfect. there's no better word to use.

I've also chose the asshole who, i also added to, but treated me like another number.

Men, if you're going to treat us like another number, you shouldn't expect more out of us when you start to "start feeeling more" for us. You treated me like just another girl, why would i want to treat you with more respect, like you're someone special to me? Exactly, I shouldn't.

Sometimes shit happens though, i've learned that too many times in the last year and a half. People make mistakes, i've made my fair share of them. But i'll be the first one to try and fix it.

I keep getting off my path.
this post is for them, not me.

This one simply goes out to all of them that I've ignored.
all of them that i went to when i needed help, but never took the advice.
the guys that offered me everything, including a way out, and i didn't take it-

this one is for the one i used to  fill a void.

this is for the one who still tries and doesn't know better.

this line is for the one that will always be standing by.

this ones for the one whose seen me cry the most.

i'll make this one for the one that was willing to go against everything.

i make this one definitely for the unexpected.

this ones for the one who still promises to pick up my pieces.

this is for the ones who think i deserve better.

the ones who think the sun shines out my ass.

making this for the guys who never say 'i told you so'

the ones that just want me to be happy

i wanted advice, i needed a friend. none of them could simply give me that without wanting more.
i've ruined some good things with people because they've given up on trying to help me out.
but at the same time, they completely understand, the admire how i am, and seem to only want the best for me.

If i believe in it, even if there's no logical reasoning behind it, i go for it.
One of those impossible things i believe before breakfast.

those people deserved recognition.
they've always stood by, came whenever i needed just to talk or guy advice, or to tell me what i was doing wrong.
they watched me continuously make the wrong decisions and still talked to me about how to fix it.
they continues to be there for me despite knowing, it wasn't ever going to be them.

John Paul, whether you ever see this or not,
i never understood what you meant when you'd call me that. Every relationship i was ever in, i honestly cared for the other person, and saw myself with them for a long time. I'm very optimistic about everything, i don't date people to play games, or to hurt them.
I've never been your Certified Heartbreaker until this past year, where the nice guys, or the devious guys, the guys who wanted to 'save me' or simply make me laugh, finished last.
there's always going to be that 'what-if' with anyone.
i've made my bed, and i'll lay in it, i don't really regret much, except maybe not trying harder.


I'm still fighting for what i believe in. And i'm still hurting people.
Somethings got to give.

there is this boy though, he's new, makes me smile ConstAntly. Most pEople Really dON't know.
somethings gotta give. 

i think its time to give.

Not Alice; Not even A little Bit.

and i thought i'd just wait there

so i heard you come up the stairs

and i pretended i was sleeping

and i was hopin you would creep in.

people need to back off. completely. just go away, leave me the fuck alone.
just because you need to be up someones ass constantly, doesn't mean it has to be mine.
when i'm in my apartment, chillin, and i tell you i'm busy, or i dont want to get up and let anyone in
its usually a hint to just leave me alone.
i've told you a million times i have a stupid paper i need to write thats due tuesday. this paper isn't long at all, but its tedious. i have to take a work from before 1860, and create 15 foot notes for it with 15 citations.
granted its only saturday, and i dont have classes on tuesday, and until Midnight to turn it in, but i'm STILL NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD TO BE BOTHERED.
if you can't tell that by the fact i close and lock my door everytime you leave, you're clearly dense.

like its clearly the weekend, and i've clearly spent every day with you pretty much for the past 2-3 weeks.
I NEED SPACE. back the FUCK UP. and just let me chill in my apartment, doing whatever i want.

if you know i have a migraine, and you KNOW i'm sleeping trying to get rid of it, STOP coming up here just to wake me up to say hi.
WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT.
when you have an issue, no one messes with you, we leave you alone, the second someone even asks something of you when you're not in the mood, YOU FLIP THE FUCK OUT.
but you have every right to use my spare key to come in, wake me up from sleeping 7 times within an hour to tell me hello, see what i was doing, and to tell me you ate a hotdog.

no fucks given.
at all.
this face, is the face of someone who doesn't give a fuck.
take your fucks, and fuck yourself with them
away from my apartment.

i'm angry today. at everything. so people.
go away.

Current Mood: Elevated

i'll let this title slide from being apart of my Alice In wonderland Theme
giving how i'm feeling, well, elevated. ^.^


i need to c.h.i.l.l out with everything thats been going on.
so i did.
and now i'm remembering everything good that happened during these moments of my life.
wine.boy.mac&cheese.cigarettes.love.naked.alfonzo.
'you're always doin somehting dumb in my driveway'

and let me tell you, i need that stuff so bad agian.

i really have nothing else to say.
i just needed to write sdown a list of things i could remeer at this time.
i always hated this linger feeling though, and how i can just feel my body slowly falling asleep.

atleast i'll fall asleep and get on a good sleep schedule.

i looked up my stats earlier, and people actually come across this page.
i wontder if they actually stick around and read any of it, or just end up here, and click off.

but what i'm really curious about is if anyone who knows me in real life reads this.
and wonders why i'm so fucked up.


making a quick list of something.. don't ask.

B.c.v.n.n.k.s.a.t.j.m.m.r.d.r.k.m.s.b.e.j.d.j.n.t.k.s.s.b.l.n.b.j.j.
dayymmmm.
lot o j's.

wE're all maD Here