What It Comes Down To

Everything is just fine, fine fine,
because one hands in my pocket, and the other is holdin' a cigarette.


so. i thought i was going to quit smoking.
but i failed miserably and bought 2 packs the other day.
fuckmyllife.

i'll do it another day, right now, i'm happy with sitting on my bathroom floor, with my exhaust fan blowing and just smoking.
i'm feeling pretty alone lately.
there's things i wanna talk to Cam about, but he's not accessible right now. and i wouldnt want to burden him even if he did have his phone.
boy has to stay focused.
i've been doing really good in classes this semester, and i'm feeling pretty good about it.
the only down fall? is i feel i'm not being challenged at all; the papers i have to write? the professors don't push, they don't expect your best. so i find myself waiting until minutes before having to hand it in just to finish them, and not trying my hardest.
which is sad, because i'm an amazing writer.
TEACHERS STEP UP YO GAME!


on another note, i went to the doctor the other day, and found out i'm still having issues that stemmed from my kidney shit.
i'm so sick of being fucking sick
there's wayy more to all of this, but i'm not posting any of it.
it's extremely personal, but it's something that's weighing me down pretty bad.

it's Feb 23, so March is almost here, and before i know it i'll be talking to Cameron again;
i just cant get over the fact i've gone over a week without hearing from him. hah. that sounds dumb doesnt it?
well to me it's not dumb, its a pretty decent feat for me. so i'm enjoying that i'm able to do this.
but it also is one of the reasons why i'm sitting in my bathroom chainsmoking.

i'm where i want to be
but yet i'm not.
iunno whats going on really right now, i think i'm sick of the bad weather and the dark.
i really need warmer weather and i need the sun
i'm really gettin down and i cannot take this.


[[[its where you wanna be]]]

NoteToMyself;;Try.

these are things i will work on.

how.are.you.feeling.

ThingsNotSaid

I hope your doing fine
And if you ever wonder,
I'm lonely here tonight
Lost here in this moment and time keeps slipping by
And if I could have just one wish
I'd have you by my side

i miss you,
and if today I don't see your face
Nothing's changed, no one can take your place
It gets harder everyday

Please say: "you love me more than you did before
And I'm sorry it's this way
But I'm coming home,

And if you ask me I will stay"

5am revisited Monday Morning

Note to self:

                           I miss you terribly.

                           This is what we call a tragedy.

                           Come back to me

come back to me-

to me.

#TrueStory

I've been up three days, Adderall and Redbull
This call is a mistake; There’s something strong in this water bottle.
I hear you got a new chick, A dancing little Barbie doll
I feel so pathetic
But you still haven’t heard it all

I ran into your homeboys, they’re all fucking idiots
You’re not even my boyfriend
But they're tripping cause I’m in the club
I’ma send a sexy picture to remind you what you’ve given up

Fuck that new girl that you like so bad
She’s not crazy like me, I bet you like that
I said fuck that new girl that’s been in your bed
And when you’re in her I know I’m in your head

I’m just saying you can't do better
Always turned you out every time we were together
Once you had the best, boy, you can’t do better
Baby, I’m the best so you can’t do better

Truths.

 truth: its never happened.

 truth: no. i deserved this.

 truth: i am starving

 truth: this scares me.

 truth: this is my favorite moment.

 truth: i asked my own mother that once

 truth: this sounds too good to be true.

truth: this is always the most awkward thing ever.

 truth: walking away is best. it's not considered giving up. its putting yourself first.

 truth: over and over again.

truth: this made me happier than i should be.

most of whats been done to me, doesn't show.

the only ones that really bother me are my car accident ones,

that was awful.

lazyfriday

yep. havent gotten out of bed yet, and its 5pm.

ive been tumblinnn bitches.
now im gunna go shower, and make pizza.
bitches love pizza

 this is so hot. my god.

amillionmore

 no idea. just seems to be happening.

 thissss had me rooolliiiinnn. this is thee best.

grouped those two together, because they BOTH remind me of my wonderful boy.

Suicidal Confessions..Revisited.

i should be doing homework, that's really what started all of this.
and i didn't want to update on here until later tonight, to start my 1st day with Cam at NTC posts..

but i needed paper to start doing my homework and so i grabbed notebooks i had in my closet, first fail.
the first one? had a bunchh of drawings, and quotes in it. including notes from my amazing, but deceased friend Mike. i miss him everyday and to see his writing, made me sad and happy at the same time.
"Love always, Mike"


he was perfectttttt. hope you're doing well buddddyy. <3

the second notebook?
was awful. dark passenger filled and just, scary to read.

simply?
i've been writing suicide letters since i was 13.
it might sound morbid, but i keep alot of them, and compile them. not sure why.

i've been hurting myself for over 10 years now, and first started playing life roulette at 13.
that's sickening.



..i feel sick.

Today's the day!

you are the only exception,

and i'm on my way to believing.

Coming.

Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

"This doesn't hurt", she said,
"I finally had enough."

one day she will tell you that she has had enough

pleaseee.

 

it doesnt have to be today

or tomorrow

next week

or even next month

but come back.

Speak the Truth

 

My State of Grace..

You come around and the armor falls
Pierce the room like a cannon ball
Now all we know is don't let go

So you were never a saint
And I’ve loved in shades of wrong
We learn to live with the pain
Mosaic broken hearts
But this love is brave and wild

And I never saw you coming
And I'll never be the same

can i say something without being

questioned

criticized

put down

told off

yelled at

ignored

blocked

walked away from?

ya damn right i can,

because this is my shit. noone really reads it, and i say whatevverr i want,

no matter who is going to get freakin annoyed or disagree with whats said.

carrying on.

this boy of mine,

for the lack of a noncliche

i'm falllllliiinnnggggggg so stupid hard.

-_-

sounds dumb doesn't it?

i can't even try to explain how i feel, or explain why. im too tired really to try =[

lalalallloooooovvvvviiinnggggggg everyyything about this boy so far.

i wish he was closer

or around a little more often. ive never wanted somebody around so badly before.

My Boyfriend is 18 Hours away from me at all times.

He's about to be 35 hours away in an unmentionable amount of days.

so i'm going from 1,038 miles away from eachother to 2,382 miles.

for a decent amount of time.

that's 3 hours behind me at all times

he shouldn't be going further away, he should be coming closer.

but it's his job i guess. hah. he's gottaaa do it, so im hoping to stay busy and that days go by pretty fast.

my countdown was started a while ago. <3

loovvvinnggg thiss boy fiercely.

come home to be boyyyfrannn. <3!