Now its been so long.
And I've realized I write only when im stressed and annoyed but not completely depressed.
I've been struggling alot lately and im starting to feel like my life direction is wrong. But I've come sooo far there's no way to turn around.
I feel disgusting.
I could shower for days and still feel gross.
I hate letting people under my skin.
I hate regretting giving people certain emotions of mine.
Being with a random isnt like this because I could care less and there's a part of my emotions turned off.
Being with someone I care about means alot to me. Ive always given it significance. My bad.
I always hate when I end up wishing I hadnt done it with attached emotion.
I'm having a completely miserable day and I feel disgusting.
Noone ever wants to stay around after a little while.
I'm tired of having to try to make people stay.
Just would like someone who whole heartedly, undoubtedly wants to stay.
Im feeling good personally.
Towards myself.
But thats it.
I feel very alone in every aspect and its even worse than seriously being single and alone.
What makes this worse is the fact that im suppose to have someone else with me, but they're absent. So I'm alone in everything when I shouldnt be.
So much worse than being alone when I should be alone.
So many damn red flags.
Ya know, I do actually know that I'm stupid for 'ignoring' all of them.
I date too strongly for wbat seems like everyone. I'll eventually find someone who dates just as hard in return, has no problem with compromise and looks at things as a 'we' or 'us' instead of him by himself.
Ohhhlife.
Read posts from late July and early August.
I'm always so positive, and hopeful
And dumb.
Those posts make me laugh in a really sad letdown way. I've let myself down again.
NSometimes I have to write things out so they can stop bouncing around in my mind.
I miss having a motivator in life, and having that person be there to really help push me to where I needed to be, even if it was just by telling me they believed I could do something.
That person mightve been one of the shittiest people I ever met, and evem though I never believed anything else said, I really 120% know that person meant those things said that helped push me to get better and be better.
Only person I ever let read, edit and give input towards the stuff I was writing. It was terrifying the first time but I knew the person was able to be "trusted" not to rip it apart and give constructive criticism, or tell me what parts where strong. I knew this person cared about it too, didnt just read it because I forced it on them.
this i need
Its pretty devastating when things go south very quickly and the person who felt like home and seemed to fit so perfectly most likely isnt going to be the one who stays in your life.
Im already extremely upset and heartbroken. Its fucking stupid i know.
So sick of trying, or feeling like im failing at trying. I understand having patience and giving things time, but I dont understand how to do that when there seems to be barely anything there to begin with, and really having no idea if things will ever be different.
I definitely left a different person when I went back to school, than who Ive got now. Thats rude to say isnt it? It is. But seriously I cant even find one thing thats even slightly the same. That sucks because everything I had before was exactly what I wanted, and needed. And now its like some twisted sick game of "lets combine everything shitty about her exes and put them into one"
Now that's rude.
Thats harsh. Because situations and people are very different, but oooooh this feeling ive been stuck with for almost a month now is all too familiar in the worst ways. Im biting my tongue everytime I want to say something ive said before, and I get so on edge everytime i get the same responses ive gotten before.
One of the things thats got me really worried is I feel I've been left without any pros, and just a bunch of cons whereas in previous times ive had small things to hold on to.
The only reassurance I have now is a simple "If I wanted to leave, I would."
At the same time I also know I get all cry-y, upset, ready to leave and very guarded hen I'm put in the position of feeling these ways again because it never ends well.
Maybe its just a bad phase and some of what I had before will come back? Maybe im just overly dwelling on all of this and considering it a million and one reasons to run fast and never look back because the last time I felt this strongly for someone, but went without any kind of intimacy, unreassured, unappreciated and taken for granted I lost everything about who I was to try and change everything just so it could work even 2%
I can handle phases, and moods, and people getting stuck in funks, but if its a constant state it completely ruins me.
Just already tired of feeling alone and not like a girlfriend. Like im fighting a lost cause.
Im also tired of feeling like im pushing too much, like I just need more patience. I feel like ive turned into my ex and just overcrowding.
And that makes me think I finally understand how he felt, which is shitty, and I wouldnt want him to feel like this, but I also know how I felt while he was like this and he really needed to chill.
My mind is constantly filled and its so hard to stay positive when ive got nothing to go off of really. Tired of feeling like im constantly walking in eggshells and having to watch what I say, or how I come off, but at the same time still be able to fill a small ounce of my voids.
Ive gotta just calm down and chill, but I feel like I cant because I refuse to be the person standing saying "I didnt see this coming".
