ohhellnaw.

please let march end soon

lessgo.

mylife

sleep.

i'm suffering from sleep paralysis.

after my episode last night


i dont ever want to sleep again.

i'm now terrified.





great. what else is new.

errday im tumblin.

furb.

See I don't know why you cryin' like a bitch
Talkin' shit like a snitch 
If you really didn't care
You wouldn't wanna share
Tellin' everybody just how you feel

Fuck what I did was your fault somehow
Fuck the presents, I threw all that shit out
Fuck all the cryin' it didn't mean jack
Well guess what, fuck you right back

You thought you could really make me moan
I had better sex all alone
I had to turn to your friend
Now you want me to come back

You questioned did I care
Maybe I would have if you woulda gone down there
Now it's over.


Fuck all those nights I moaned real loud
Fuck it, I faked it, aren't you proud
Fuck all those nights you thought you broke my back
Well guess what, your sex was wack

Rabbit Hole Jumping.

short. simple. notsweet.


unsure.


what's going on.

hating myself.

hating him more.

sabotaged.

never wanted shit like this.



i neeed someone.

Let me just say this..

it's pretty much a fact

i'm never going to lose weight.

i'm so. UNMOTIVED anymore.
I'M TRYING DAMMIT.





why isn't anything working. at all.
this bitch is so just going to keep getting fatter.

i cannot stand this.

6 lbs by april.
NO BITCH
i'd like to lose 20 by april/may

HOW DO I DO THAT.
and just look and feel as great as i use to?


i'm a whale.

I'm Moving.

and maybe that's why im not sleeping anymore

all nighter for no freakin reason. its noowww 8am, AND I GOT CLASS IN 3 hours. and its snowing like a muthaaa fuckkkaaa outside.

i'd totally skip since its just health, but my down and out ass skipped health all week last week.
god. they shouldnt have classes in the winter, its so hard for me to get my ass out in that snow just go get to class.

it's not something i need in my life. i can think of a millliooonnn  other things that are more important in my life.

BUT NO I HAVE TO LIVE IN PA WHERE IT SNOWS.

i could be more north and have more snow, but i'd kill myself then.
PA ive loved you for almost 23 years now, but im really getting sick of you.
i'm only 5'6" but I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE with the cold weather and the snow.


I NEED WARM WEATHER. i'd die for a little sun, and 50degree weather right now.

i cant take this anymore. i've seriously been considering schools more south, like, S. Carolina. because its warmer.
Neumont University is in Utah, and i've been dying to go to that school since i was 16.

but the carolinas sound so nice.
lets look into that some more. because i can't handle this snow at all.

Pennsylvania i think i've given up on you. i'm moving.

Tension.

i need to seriously start wearing my glasses whenever i find them at my mom's house.
i can just feel the tension lately behind my eyes.


it doesnt help ive been stressed.

so stupid out of it, that i legit had a bloodsugar drop today. today was the worst i've had it in a long time.
i couldnt stand, threw up and couldnt see anything.
i do not miss laying on my bathroom floor shaking

im so glad i have a best friend. she knew the second i told her i didnt feel good.
she got me in the car and home as fast as possible. made me food and such.
it was just terrible.

BUT! while all that was happening,
boy texted me. when i finally felt better enough, with the help of sugar pills i got from a housemate,
i checked my phone because i figured Matt had texted me
but IT WAS MY BOYFRIEND.
i started jumping and yelling
and then i had to sit my ass on the kitchen floor because my sugar was still stupid low.


things are out there now. in the open. it didn't go at all the way i thought it would
not yet.
i keep telling myself to just wait, wait until things sink in, and then that'll be it.
this wasn't how this past month was suppose to go. i wanted good news to give i wanted to be able to say, baby things were okay, i missed you masssiveelyy and it was terrible, but i was alright, i kept busy aced all my stuff, finished my game, cleaned, and just was focused while nothing bad happened.


Karma, or Allah didn't feel like it should be that way.
hah allah. YEABOI.

anywhooo im just going to remain worried and stressed.
its 5am again.ii need sleep so bad

im gunna go snuggle and reread over some texts. including old saved ones that make me smile.

these 2 weeks went by pretty fast. they weren't THAT bad.
i suppose its a mindset.
well. nnow it's behind me.

Conversations.

Her: Well, I'm fine. I'll be fine, really. 
Him: Really? I don't think so. You're trapped.
          You're gonna die if you don't break free.
          Maybe not right away because you're strong
          but sooner or later that fire that I love about you,
          that fire's gonna burn out... 
Her: It's not up to you to save me. 
Him: You're right, only you can do that. 

CRM

Please Stay?

creeps come out at night

for fucking real.
BACK THE FUCK OFF

if i have told you
THREEEE MUTHA FUCKING TIMES I DONT WANNA SKYPE WITH YOU
OR WATCH YOU GET YOUR SELF OFF,

I
DO
NOT
WANT
TO
!!!!!

what is so fucking hard about that concept?
who fucking does that anyway?
i do not give any flying fucks if you "like an audience"
i am not that audience.

and if i KEEP BRINGING UP my boyfriend in conversation
THEN IT SHOULD BE PRETTY DAMN FUCKING DAMN CLEAR I DONT NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU. AT ALL.



"how long you guys been dating"

few months. 3 or 4. don't see eachother much

"righteous. well why dont we skype?"

because, im loyal. lol. im pretty happy with him, not matter how far he is.
havent heard a word in over 2 weeks, but i know i will eventually. so i wait.

"well thats good, do you look at porn? its the same thing"



for real scumbag, just go away.

For The First Time

I've finished a video game, and allll by myself nonetheless.
it was Alice Madness Returns. and it was wonderful. i sat for a good 12 hours straight deeterrrmindd and i kicked ass. im beyond ecstatic.. hah. :D

atleast i have that to be happy about. everything else seems to be leaning towards "shot to shit"
but i'm also figuring out things financially and it'll be really nice when i get most of my bills paid off and get my car insurance reinstated.
i hate that i let things get so far down the wrong rabbit hole. i cannot wait until the summer where all i do is work.
this chick likes working.

anyways today, like most days, ive really done nothing. and ive spent the last few hours laying on my couch in my living room with the lights off, and a bunch of candles lit, just enjoying movies. i'm keeping to myself.

got some bad Karma showing its face this past week and im not appreciating it.
i'm wondering why. and as of right now things are... "at bay" because of where boy is and such.
i feel like things arent going to go over well, and for this i keep telling myself to prepare for the worst, so when things come crashing, im already guarded and ready for it.
is it bad when you start preparing for someone to possibly leave you?

that sounds so goddamn awful. i could easily be over reacting, but i wouldnt be me if i didn't. i've got to think the worst in every situation because i'd like to be ready for it. i dont want to be more.. broken.
so yes, i live vulnerable, but guarded.
and for the past day or so i've been going over in my head every possibility, and focusing on the being alone after all this is said and done part. i'm scared, and really not ready for this especiallythis way.
im so sick of bad decisions coming back and biting me in the ass.


know what i love about the movie Crazy/Beautiful? The girl, Nicole, is a little nuts and has a lot of social and daddy issues. and my mom never committed suicide, and im not a total trouble maker. but theres things and emotions that i can easily relate to.

you wanna know a girl? listen to the words to her favorite song, or the storyline to her favorite movies. they'll tell you all about her

anyways. i have this paper thing due tuesday.
but  we're given other options instead of a formal written paper. so this chick is making a website. which im excited for. its been so freakin long since i made one.

its about 3am now, and ive really got nothin to write about. im so out of it mentally and emotionally.
maybe ill go cuddle in bed now. ive been barely sleeping, and when i do, its very random.

theyyy say that when you can't sleep, its because you're awake in someone else's dream.
god damn im hoping this is true.
i want someone to be thinking about me.




i really hope someone is...