"at least I mean what I say--that's the same thing, you know."

does anyone else save texts on their phone?
i'm extremely guilty of this; somethings that are said just take me so offguard, in a good way, and really melt my heart that i need to save them.
and i re read them over and over. even months later, never losing how they made me feel the first time.

i got one of those save-worthy texts last night, real late, in the middle of bickering with the person.
i know he did it to shut me up, but my god it worked.
right in the middle of going back and forth about completely dumb shit, i get this:

"Know one time I loved? I loved when I was drawing on your leg and the reaction you had when you see it was the Cheshire Cat."

any sort of, tension, or slight annoyance i had, left completely at the sight of that text.
this boy doesn't ever tell me things like this. I go day-to-day wondering and guessing what he enjoyed or if he knows when he's made me truly happy.

and yes, the time he mentioned was an absolute favorite of mine too. i thought the world of him at that moment when i first saw what he had taken an hour to draw on my leg, and the rest of the day i felt no one in the world could ever compare to him.
i can't explain why exactly, there's that loss of words again, but i appreciate the small things, the things people put their time and effort into that involve something they know will be liked. if he would've sat there for an hour and drew an in-depth version of genatalia, or something i don't remotely like, i would've felt like he doesn't understand me, connection doesn't exist, and that he only had himself in his mind.
he could've drew zombies like he often does, or some skulls because he's talented at that, and i would've been accepting and even liked it.
but the fact he chose the Cheshire Cat, he was thinking about me, what i like, what i would appreciate.
I was a little kid on christmas morning- all because he drew a detailed Cheshire Cat on my leg in pen.

I'm unique i tell ya. Easy to please is some aspects. I love the simple, i love the considerate, the thoughtful, the action not the word. If you love someone, show it, don't sit there repeating words, or screaming it, get your ass up, figure something out, and put it in motion. Don't do it because you might get something out of it. no no no. Do it just because you want to see the other person happy, you want to know it effected the other person positively.
i live my life like this as much as i can. i believe in this more than anything in the world.
I just want to make people, especially my significant others, happy. Their Happiness, is my Happiness.
don't get me wrong though, I'd like, and somewhat expect the same in return. I treat people how they treat me for the most part. sometimes i'm too nice to people who really just deserve a nice curb stomp, but that's just who i am.
and that sounds messy.


it's almost 1:30, i really need to sleep for a little bit before my next class.
this isn't done yet. how i hate not finishing before i post. whatev,

I almost wish I hadn't gone down the rabbit-hole..and yet..

lemme tell ya. this rabbit hole is coming to an end quickly.
this alice has to choose which way to go. and asking the cheshire cat which way is best
is only going to get me even more lost.

i know what i want.
but it's so hard.
i have nothing in my favor at all.
i need a job. i need money. i need that new<3boy. i need my mom. i need my brother.
i need my dinah.
<3

i don't know what actually gets me out of bed in the morning, its that little bit of hope i have left.
i'd rather die trying, than in a piss/shit ridden bed.

i need to not be sober.
but i also need to be sober.

what's a girl to do, is equivalent to asking 'whys a raven like a writing desk?'

no one knows. maybe if Carroll would've given an answer, a girl would know what to do.

i'm lost. i cannot find my way. and my dinah has gone, and my mad hatter has left me for good.
i deserve what was coming to me though, just like alice deserved to be lost.
if she would've just listened and not been so damn curious.
curiousity killed the SEE-AYE-TEE ya know?
[what about tea? hah.]

i need some lovin in my life. i'd go and get it, but i don't know where to start.
probably at the beginning. but that's way past now.

i can't write much more. i'm way to down even to write.

lets end it on this...

“It'll be no use their putting their heads down and saying "Come up again, dear!"
I shall only look up and say "Who am I then? Tell me that first, and then,
if I like being that person, I'll come up.

if not, I'll stay down here till I'm somebody else"

but, oh dear!' cried Alice, with a sudden burst of tears,

'I do wish they WOULD put their heads down! I am so VERY tired
of being all alone here!”

Whats a Book if it doesn't have any pictures?

if this story had pictures to add to the ones i already have in my memory
i'd be batshit crazy.
i wouldn't be able to handle it.

I've got to write it down finally because it crosses my mind everyday, and no matter what i do, i can't get it to go away. I've got demons, and my demons are birthing demons. and Everything I've felt i ever stood for is locked in the box.

The same box i feel those men i mentioned earlier are in.

I made the decision last June to leave someone who honestly cared for me. Cared nonstop for almost 4 years. I have my reasons, and they make sense, whether they are completely rational or not, i never questioned because, whats done is done. There's no going back. Those nights i'm alone and wasted are the only times i think about it, and i don't like what i say. I live with the decision i made, and lets move on.

I met someone else and started hanging out with him right away all through the month of June. He had a girlfriend, and i didn't think anything of it, because we were just hanging out. New friends are always nice to have. We discussed how we weren't looking for anything really, and maybe its partially my fault for saying that. I'm always up for a relationship if i like the person enough, When i feel a certain way, i act on it. let me tell you, i tried and i failed this time.

We did what we did together, and it was the first time i went for strange. and it happened a few times, the only reason it happened at all was because he left his girlfriend, made it known to me that he left her, he seemed interested in me and everything. he'd spend time with me constantly, doing whatever and he told me i was the only one he was interested in. All in june, I have dates and everything memorized. I hate that. I started to like him and felt comfortable enough to do what we did.

The SECOND i knew it either had to end completely, or move on to the next level, i did what anyone would do, i made it known.

I told him; well, i texted it to him because i'm a shy person in the beginning.

I'll never forget that day at all. It was one of the best, and one of the worst and i'll never be able to fully come to terms with exactly how i feel.

Elephants Never Forget.

                     and neither do i.

It was June 28th. We drove a few hours away for a job interview he had at a place his best friend [at the time] worked. I remember being happy he had told me he really wanted me to take the ride and spend the day with him. I'll never forget how i felt on that ride down there, or the ride back. I remember how happy i was. How i felt i made the right decision, how this guy was really starting to grow on me, and he surely seemed like he was about me. From the things he said before that day, on that day, and the stupid small gestures he had towards me, i couldn't help but really start to like him.

I sat in the lobby with his friend that day, bored as hell, while he friend wouldn't leave me alone. He kept trying to get my attention, and make me laugh, if you knew the kind of person he was, you'd understand what i meant. He was just being his typical self. When we left, we went to hangout with his friend and his friends family. Boy was picking on me a little too much like usual, i see now that it was because he didn't hold me in the same spot i held him. It was always the "just a friend" comment, which, technically we were. This is when i started realizing i needed to do something.

Even during that day, his friend said and did stuff, that i ignored, didn't pick up on. Let go. Thought was just him trying to be funny. His friend, that's another story. I hate him. rot for all i care in some aspects.

 anyways. we finally left to come home, and i was so happy with the day i had had with him. I knew i liked him, and i really felt he liked me too. I was only a few hours then from finding out how terribly wrong i was.

      i wish someone could stop the story now. just stop it. let me recreate it, or just make me so oblivious, because it sits on my chest everyday, this feeling and i don't know why i can't let it go. i feel betrayed by someone i considered my other half, and this guy i was really liking. but, lets carry on, lets get it out there...

we pulled over on the way home, we were only minutes from my house, but i didn't want to go home yet. so we hungout on the side of the road and spent time together that i wholeheartedly now, wish never happened. it was raw, unguarded, meant completely everything to me at the time, but so little to the other person. lets skip over this quick because i'm already ready to cry.

when i got home, we hungout for a little. Watched some movie, that i've watched with another boy since then and realized i actually want to like the movie, but i feel i'll always hate it. I knew who he was texting, i had over seen a few of the texts, and i didn't think toooo much of it, but i knew i didn't want him to leave yet.

So i convinced him to stay, just a little while longer. I should've either just let him leave, or told him right then and there how i felt. Because everything was about to be ruined so fast, and no one saw it coming, and i was the last to know. like usual.

when he left, i knew where he was going, and i was okay with it. we were all friends, and i really felt he was being honest and open with me. I remember typing that text, and i even remember some of the lines in it.

Elephants Never Forget.

and i can't forget what i texted him.

i laid it all out. put the ball 100% in his court, made it known where i stood, why i stood there, what i wanted out of it all, and how i completely understood if this, if i, wasn't what he wanted.

I told him i was sorry for starting to feel the way i did, that i couldn't help it, i explained how he made me feel, how happy i had been lately, how special of a person i thought he was. I mentioned that i knew this isn't what was suppose to happen, and i asked him to either tell me where he saw this going, and if he agreed with me even a little. I left it completely open, i mentioned that unfortunately with how i'm feeling, things need to either progress, or simply end. That it wouldn't be fair to me or him to do something him and i saw differently.

It was a very long text. Not long enough to be a MSM text, but it was about 6-7 pages. I remember laying on my bed, which was where he left me when he left, and i texted that all to him. I was happy because i felt i had found something i wanted to continue, but i was also holding my breathe because i knew this might not go in my favor.

Unfortunately for me, the reply i got from my 7 page text, was just a "He says Okay".

i was very confused. i didn't understand. I knew she had his phone, because when i initially texted him "Hey" she responded saying he was inside buying cigarettes or whatever, but to keep texting and she'll let him know what i say. So i continued, because i loved this girl like my family. She had never done me wrong, and i had never done her wrong. We were essentially 'bitches' together, but i didn't know she was playing her own game.

So what confused me when i got that text that said "He says Okay" was the fact that, it didn't answer any of my questions. It didn't really put the ball anywhere, it didn't give me anything i was looking for. I guess it's my fault for assuming that that meant he understood where i was coming from, and such.

I'll always blame myself. It's easier.

I fell asleep that night, so confused. I didn't get out of bed from that text, i fell asleep no blanket or anything. But i was relieved i had told him where i stood, and it seemed like he might've wanted the same thing.

This is where we fast forward through the next couple weeks into July. He started doing things i really didn't agree with. and he started letting them interfere with 'us' time. Granted we weren't dating. lets skip past that, because that's got no bearing on this story.

This is also where this Elephant DOES actually get a little hazy, i knew everything, every day, every order, and i liked it that way. But now i've broken my cellphone, and i cant remember the order of things.

Lets just skip to the phone call I got on a Saturday night, around 2am, when i had work inthe morning at 10am. It was his friend, that one, calling me, drunk like usual, to talk. He was pulling the whole "i hate myself and want to die" lines that he had been pulling everytime he called me since early July. Rambled on about how i needed to chose him, how i deserved better, how my boy wasn't even close to what i needed, how i didn't know how shitty of a person he was, and i was so blind to everything. Somewhere in between there he pulled the whole "here's my address, i'm going to do something stupid, come stop me if you care" line.

I hated that line. I always wanted to fucking punch him in the face when he said it. but as a friend, i did the whole, try and talk him down sorta thing. whatever..continue on..

He told me boy had slept with girl recently, and was lying to me about it. that because he cared about me and thought i deserved better, he would tell me. i was already annoyed at his drunken phone call, and other things he was saying, that i didn't believe him at all. not an ounce of me believed him. i got in a fight with him, told him he needed to stop making things up, that hes causing problems. that he was drunk and please go to bed. he pulled some cocky remark out of his ass about how he was just trying to be nice, but he'll leave me alone.

I layed in bed being so mad at his friend for making up such a bullshit story. Boy had told me everything...

but one does start to wonder. when someone plants a seed like that, a person can't help but wonder what the real story is.

i didn't want to alarm boy, and make him think i was some crazy girl who didn't trust him, and being that Girl was a good friend of mine, i texted her.

I simply texted her "i have a random question for you. don't get mad, or take it the wrong way, i'm just curious about something, no matter what the answer is, i'm not mad at you."

Girl told me the truth...but didn't stop at a simple "the night he left your house to get me"

she told me things i shouldn't of ever known. details that should've been omitted. i didn't say, "tell me about it, in detail, indepth, how was it, for how long, or where."

but let me tell you, i could answer those fucking questions if i had to.

like she was rubbing my face in it. like she wanted to get under my skin. and she didn't stop there either.

she went on to tell me how he had lied to her too about being 'with' me that night. but how she knew...because of things she should've never described or went into. fucking cunt.

and how she didn't want me to be mad at her, how unfortunately it's who he is, and what he always does, how she was mad at him too for lying to her about it. She kept asking me to please not be mad at her, she didn't know, and she would never do anything like that to me.

eat.shit.and.die.bitch.

well what did i do next? i called Boy, and had a lovely 5 minute chat with him.

"Hey babe, whats up?"

-he was clearly high or whatever.

i went on to ask him what i didn't know. he said i knew everything.

"Whose the last Person you had Sex with besides me?"

"Nikki, you know that, we've talked about it."

"Are you sure?"   he told me he was sure. i called him a liar and hung up. i gave him 5 minutes to tell me.

he never once broke down, felt guilty, felt i deserved to know.

fuck.that.noise.

he called back of course. I answered. I told him i knew he was lying. he pulled the whole "i thought you meant last girlfriend, which was nikki" NO ASSHOLE. PERSON YOU HAD SEX WITH.

when i told him i knew, i hung up again. he called back, trying to sound all apologetic, with a few i'm sorrys, but what i'm sure he doesn't remember, is the fact HE GOT MAD AT ME.

said it was before we were dating, and i shouldn't care. can't be mad. whatever.

i had to go to work. i didn't sleep at all that night, i didn't know who i hated more, him, or the fucking cunt who tried to shove it in my face while telling me it wasn't her fault.

i really shouldn't of done what i did that sunday, but i needed it, i wanted different, but i couldn't find it anywhere, so i settled with what i could get.

I picked my friend up at his house after PT and we got our stuff, and went to our old spot down by the lake.

And i let every promise i made to numerous people go. No matter what, if i was on Cloud 9 or even slightly elevated, I remember the conversation me and my friend had at the lake. I hold on to those words today like i hold onto the necklace my grandfather gave me.

this friend always knew how to calm me down, from the first time we hung out in elementary, to the lucky number 7, and the breakup we had, he always knew how to handle me. That kind of friend that you felt would always be there, especially when times got rough. No matter what wrong he does to me today, or how many bullshit things he pulls on me, i love him. He's my brother. lets move on, he's another post. hah.

I don't remember how i even found it in me to talk to Boy again. I wanted to be the bigger person, to move forward, i thought i could slowly let go of that Girl and things she said, and just move forward with Boy.

I didn't realize she'd keep coming back. and i didn't realize his friend had other plans as well.

I can't say after that day, i didn't contribute to the mess we're in now.

but i will say, i have the biggest hate towards my friend, and his. Its like those two talked, devised a plan and set it in motion. If She said enough to him, and he said enough to me, Boy and I would just crumble, fall apart, let demons take hold. It happened.

After everything we've been through we shouldn't be standing. or kneeling, or even laying on the ground near eachother. But we are, for some unknown reason, i have nothing left in me, no hope, no trust, no will to move forward really, but i can't let it go.

i need to end this here. because i'm still lost. and repeating myself won't help me find my way.

i needed to get that story off my chest, even though its not in its entirety, there's details i hold for myself, and words and feelings i won't share. but its enough to maybe understand how i felt at the time.

i've got myself composed.

lets end it on this.