Disgusted

This blog does nothing but disgust me.
It's filled with various things since my first year at school back in 2012 when I was dealing with eddie.

At the same time though I'm happy it exists so I know exactly how well I bounce back from things.

I hate that everyone ive ever talked about I always believed the sun shined out of their ass, but also how even after some of thee worst breakups and things, I'm able to eventually pull my shit together and care like that all over again.

Sometimes I wonder if its fake or not "the real deal" but I always end up looking at it in the way that, I love everyone differently, and there's nothing wrong with caring for who youre with so intensely.
Im very proud of the things I've overcome, along with knowing im dealing well with things that still tear me apart.

Spring always leaves me feeling alive, once again I've survived another 'dark' season. Hopefully I can remind myself of this the next time I feel like opting out.

There's nothin here for me anymore

Now its been so long.

And I've realized I write only when im stressed and annoyed but not completely depressed.

I've been struggling alot lately and im starting to feel like my life direction is wrong. But I've come sooo far there's no way to turn around.

I feel disgusting.
I could shower for days and still feel gross.

I hate letting people under my skin.
I hate regretting giving people certain emotions of mine.

Being with a random isnt like this because I could care less and there's a part of my emotions turned off.
Being with someone I care about means alot to me. Ive always given it significance.  My bad.

I always hate when I end up wishing I hadnt done it with attached emotion.

I'm having a completely miserable day and I feel disgusting.
Noone ever wants to stay around after a little while.
I'm tired of having to try to make people stay.
Just  would like someone who whole heartedly, undoubtedly wants to stay.

Yeap

Im feeling good personally.
Towards myself.

But thats it.
I feel very alone in every aspect and its even worse than seriously being single and alone.
What makes this worse is the fact that im suppose to have someone else with me, but they're absent. So I'm alone in everything when I shouldnt be.

So much worse than being alone when I should be alone.

So many damn red flags.
Ya know,  I do actually know that I'm stupid for 'ignoring' all of them.

I date too strongly for wbat seems like everyone. I'll eventually find someone who dates just as hard in return, has no problem with compromise and looks at things as a 'we' or 'us' instead of him by himself.

Ohhhlife.

Quotes of the night

"I use to like, fully turn him on and now i just annoy him"

Seasonal changes

Read posts from late July and early August.

I'm always so positive,  and hopeful

And dumb.

Those posts make me laugh in a really sad letdown way. I've let myself down again.

PostScript

NSometimes I have to write things out so they can stop bouncing around in my mind.

I miss having a motivator in life, and having that person be there to really help push me to where I needed to be, even if it was just by telling me they believed I could do something.

That person mightve been one of the shittiest people I ever met, and evem though I never believed anything else said, I really 120% know that person meant those things said that helped push me to get better and be better.

Only person I ever let read, edit and give input towards the stuff I was writing. It was terrifying the first time but I knew the person was able to be "trusted" not to rip it apart and give constructive criticism,  or tell me what parts where strong. I knew this person cared about it too, didnt just read it because I forced it on them.

this i need