this is where my life is sitting.

grumpyface

i hate this blog.

there's a reason i dont update anymore
and its because of all the stupid emotionfilled things i've written down on it.
i've been completely transparent and written whatever the hell is on my mind, regardless of who ends up reading it.

i filled it, and i mean FILLED it from november to march with a ton of stuff that just needs to vanish.
i'd rather read and see the broken down me,
the barely there, not getting out of bed, planning my end, sad miserable posts
than to read the happy ones.


being miserable is easier.
this is a fact

explain.

DO I HAVE A SIGN ON MY BACK
THAT SAYS

"IF YOU STILL CARE ABOUT ME INSANELY, PLEASE APPROACH ME AND TELL ME"


what is this!?



it's either a sick game, the universe is trying to fuck with me, KARMA is showing its face
or
im having to face something.



what is this?!

strongemotions

Halo by MachineHead
is one of the greatest songs
i've ever been introduced to.

all 9 minutes of it is worth it.
i don't care if Ed was the one to introduce me to MH,
and that we shared lots of moments during that song.

i love the way it makes me feel, and i knew exactly the emotion he felt when he told me how this song made him feel.
this song needs to be shared with as many people as possible.
its done some emotion opening to people,
and it should continue.

its not even 100% in the words,
this is a song you need to sit down, focus on,
put everything going on in your life out of your mind,
and just go with the song.
the music itself it completely outstanding.

i'll never forget the vibe of the entire place
the vibe of him
vibe of me
and our vibes clashing
when we saw MH perform this live in Philly.

this song is intense and i've forgotten how good it made me feel.
i forgot how it actually MADE me feel something.

this song needs to be listened to.
felt.
understood.









and why did Ed just text me?

pastispast

Tell me about those nights you stayed awake
Tell me about those days you hated me
Tell me how you'd rather die alone
Than be stuck here with me
and maybe you've fallen down
and maybe you took the l.o.n.g way home
but baby you could never love you like me
[[maybe]] one day this will fade away
In the mirror you'll see a smiling face
and standing next to you will a.l.w.a.y.s be

me

its like wine after whiskey

nothing compares.

happenings revisited?

things come to an end, whether they were good or bad.
i've had the same advice for myself for almost 7 years now and i'll just keep trying to stand by it.

im holding myself together by very little.
or maybe im not.
maybe im actually completely fine.
i dont really know what im talking about.

i contacted a person who was in my life when things were darrkkkkkk.
because after doing some stupid things, i realized i really needed to thank him

pretty much thank him for the fact i'm still alive.

no one knows he was there through everything, and no one knows how much he helped me.
he's one of theee most genuine guys i've met that honestly seemed to give a shit about me.
it got to the point i was calling him to save me
because the person who was suppose to care was always walking out on me.
he asked how that aspect of my life was, and i was able to tell him i was doing better.
hangin on to those fullmoons.

and he understood what i meant.


you can either fail in a piss ridden bed feelin sorry for yourself and being miserable.
or you can fail while trying your hardest and pushing forward.
valerie get your ass out of bed, go into the bathroom and piss.

yessir.

good things are happening.