Numbers.

 

jusstttttt in case anyone was wondering how many more days until i finally get to see Cameron.

figured everyone should be as excited as i am.

<3

Long Distance Relationship Problems.

sdfasfsdfss










1,029 miles between us, and he still finds a way to make this happen. this boy, i tell ya.
how did i get this lucky?

yesir.

hah. yes.

something that reminded me of boy!

 

but he's quitting smoking.

i still won't forget it. <3

did i tell you he reads too?

who honest to god reads these days?

and when i say he reads, his answer isn't limited to superstreet magazine, or the satanic bible.

he named authors, and books.

this is a definitely a big deal no matter how dumb it sounds.

i'm in such a good mood. let's end the post here.

<3CAMERON!

be still and know...for the last time.

this is hopefully going to be the last post that is essentially based around my exboyfriend.
i have, as i've mentioned before, a new man that makes me smile, does beyond wonderful things, and is honestly the first and last thing i think of every day. but i suppose a few things need to get put down, get out there. things that still weigh on my chest and cross my mind, especially since a friend asked me for some advice today, and after i thought the conversation was over, i walked away from my computer and went on with my night filled with skyping my boyfriend and playing Alice: Madness Returns.
when i finally went back to the conversation i had with this friend hours prior, i saw she had left one last comment that i had left before reading.

"You are a very strong person."

that conversation i had with her has stayed with me throughout the day, i've been wondering if there's anything more i could say, or any other way to help her; also her comment sticks with me.

i'm a strong person? i don't believe so at all.

she sounds like me a few months ago with her issues pertaining to her and her on again off again boyfriend.

i wish i wouldn't of had to think about my ex and i again, but in a way i'm glad i did.

i've realized i'm moving forward, and that's what's best.

she's crying, my friend, because someone told her that her ex is whoring around and just getting with who ever he can. that seems to always be the hardest part when something you wanted so bad, doesnt work out.

to my knowledge my ex isn't whoring it up, and honestly i feel like he hasn't slept with anyone yet, or its just been 1 other person. i know how much he cared about me, and he always swore on everything it'd take him awhile to actually move on from me.

he also swore he'd continue to wear that necklace of mine he hid behind his rams head necklace.
and i know for a fact he's not wearing it, so his word is false. like usual.
 i've moved on, and he's not the one sleeping next to me at night,
when i hear or find out he has someone new in his bed, it won't bother me.

but if i were him, i'd never wear it again either. i'd want to get rid of it, never see it again. but i know personally i'd just hide it somewhere. Those words, and that date, i'd never want to be associated with again, and that's why i'm using them for the post title.

Be Still 

& Know

those words are false on so many levels. that song makes me want to vomit. Thank you Edward Layne for ruining one of my favorite Machinehead songs because it makes you "think of us".
my advice? if anyone has that as their relationship song, or anything like it, fucking run. there's nothing wrong with being still and knowing something, but like i've written and yelled a thousand times this past year- a person cannot be still and know ALL THE DAMN TIME. a person needs to see action, needs to have witnessed or actually believe in what they're "suppose to know". fuck that 'be still' nonsense. make it known, put some action towards the person you're in like, or in love with. show them as much, as often and however you can. objects and material things are bullshit, little fucking things count and make the biggest impact. keep your word, keep a promise, swap stories, discuss what you're afraid of, what you want in life, kiss them, hug them, surprise them, write notes on napkins, and take a million pictures. be afraid to lose that person.

do not tell them "you should know i love you. you should just know that."
i was asked to be still and know without any of those things mentioned above. i was given lies, broken promises, broken dates, blown offs, forgotten phone calls, with a few good moments, and told i should just know how much he loved me.
am i the only one that finds that even a little insane?

for anyone who is completely lost with the whole "Be Still and Know" line, let me try and break it down for you:
it's a bible verse, "Be Still and know that i am god..."
  but its also common in songs, and the title of a wonderful song by Machinehead.
the basis is that a person should "be still" as in, stay calm, don't worry, don't stress out, don't get their panties in a bunch, don't over react. "and Know" as in, well, know that whatever the subject is, is true. it should not be doubted and questioned. it is a given.

so all in all, relax, don't worry or stress because it is true, it is fact.

ya, it's also a crock of bullshit when you don't or aren't given a reason to fully believe the subject is fact.


what did i tell my friend that is having issues?
i told her to cry, i told her to scream, yell, be upset. to stay in bed all day if she has to. i told her to take some time and let herself feel and understand what is happening and what this means. but i told her to only act like that for a few days, and after those few days, she needs to pick her self up and move on.
things won't be easy, she's going to think about him, and wonder about all the what if's that shes missing out on. but anyone could do that, hell, sometimes it crosses my mind about how things would be if even Ryan and i would've worked out and stayed together. there's a million things i could question, and double think and wish i would've done differently with Edward, but all that shit isn't going to get me anywhere in life. im unhappy with how my life has been since last June for the most part, why would i want things to stay the same?

i don't. not even a little bit, so i'm moving forward. and i'm loving life now. i do not believe in destiny, but i believe if things are truly meant to be, they will eventually happen. and him and i just weren't suppose to. there's only so much work a person can put into something before they're ran down. i was run down, i was nothing, i was not myself, and i hated it.

so now i'm letting go of things, the good and the bad. i want to remember the good times, just like i do with anyyyone else, but they're being kept as memories, not as hope or something to strive towards, because they were few and far apart, i've had more constant happy times since November 8th, than i have with him in the past year.

i came across a song that totalllyyy reminded me of my ex and I. and it made me so much happier knowing that i have a new person sleeping next to me [when we're around eachother hah], and a new person who has me smiling from the second i wake up, to the second i go to sleep.

Now lay your head down on the bed
We're back to back with nothing said again
This happens every night
Don't talk while he's turning off the light
And it's dark, he's breathing hard

And "sorry"s what he never says
"€œdo you still love me?"

 "€œyeah I guess" he speaks as he's rolling in his sheets
The address says we're sleeping at your house
Then why are you sleeping on the couch

Lets just get drunk and watch stars tonight
And this black sky is a blanket it keeps us warm for you

  we fought at night a lot, even after he lost his job and didn't have to be to sleep early.
but we hated sleeping without each other to the point i remember him showing up at my house at midnight one night just to fall asleep next to me.

but those lyrics say sooo many true things.
i knew when he turned off the tv, and the lights that if i tried talking to him, he got angry.
i remember asking him a few times if he still loved me, and i guess was the answer i got.
he slept on his couch a few times, we'd fight, and he'd grab his pillow and extra blanket and go into the other room to try and sleep.
he had such a nasty temper, when he was angry he'd say anything, whether he meant it or not.

one night we fought while laying in bed and he told me it was over, that in the morning he wanted me out, wanted my shit packed and wanted to never see me again, that i was worthless, a bitch, crazy, and our relationship was a joke.

that morning i woke up to him draggging me across the bed like he always did, kissing my shoulder and telling me he was glad i was still there when he woke up, that he loved me and was just angry the night before....he was crazy i tell you.

and that last stanza about the stars and drinking reminds me of the times he refused to lay on the top of my car with me and watch meteor showers.
which i'm in love with. meteor showers=own my heart.

he never even slightly tried to give a shit about things i liked. its okay. he lost me, its his loss, and my gain.
i've gained a wonderful person in his screwup.

there were good times, but those good times turned bad.

all the good times were only ever had because i fought for them, i yelled, i cried, i bitched until they happened.

that makes me sound like an awful demanding bitch, but i'm talking about going to the movies, going to the zoo, a day trip to the beach, visiting my family, playing uno etc.

little things like that only ever happened because i fought for them. 

i'm really done with this whole post. i've got nothing left to say about my ex really. just my friend had me shocked when she said she thought i was a strong person. i never saw myself like that before.

i'm sure i cross his mind.

i'm almost positive he hates the things he did, and wishes i would've done things differently as well.

i know he wanted it to work, but i hope he understands there wasn't a way, he couldn't give me things i needed. and i'm hoping he knows this is honest to god what's best.

if i could sit down and talk with him, honest talk, nothing nasty, face to face, i probably would.
i'd take that opportunity to talk things out, and let him know, without rubbing his face in it or bragging,
that i am happy now.
i'm happy with the decision i've made and with the man i've decided to call my boyfriend. how i feel i've found the things i've been looking for.

my ex once admitted last December that he can't be who i need, who i deserve, he told me that and said i should go and find it.

now, things are still new with my boyfriend now, but he's already given me things i was asking for from my ex for over a year.  My Boy seems really promising; maybe one day my ex will man up and just be happy i'm happy, even if it is with Cam. 

i'm ending this, i've got better things to write about..

Memories.

This Is All.
Have a Wonderful Saturday.

goodmemories.goodvibes.
FeetontheGround
HeadintheClouds
Don'tBringmeDown.

Sleepless Nights Alone.

everyone's got a dark side ;;
.could you love me?
could you love mine?


i absolutely hate that i write less and less the better things are in my life.
i have a bunch of composition notebooks that are filled from cover to cover in pure writing all from when i was younger, they're all so angst-y.
i was angry, i was messed up, i was on drugs, i was hurting myself, and i was making bad decisions.
but those things still stand true for some things.
i'm still messed up, i still choose drugs sometimes, and i'm still hurting myself.
the anger has subsided for now, and the bad decisions, well they gave me some wonderful stories to tell during drunken nights.

like the time CiCi and i got all dolled up and ready to go out, then acted like we were sleeping until the parentals were asleep and thought we were sleeping.
then we sat by the window and waited for the neon to park on the corner up the road and flash its headlights.
we responded by using the flashlight. next thing we knew, myyyy boy Ricky was using the 'code' whistle to get our attention. we snuck out and boyyy we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into.
i JUST turned 15, so i barely remember the order of happenings.
but i remember it was 3 nights of naps, drugs, alcohol, and boys. CiCi, how did we survive?
i'll never forget going to walmart with the neon packed with people. too many people that you and i sat on laps in the backseat. hah.
i'll also never forget when i heard the walkie talkie of the employee go off saying about "the white boy" and i knew instantly it was ricky. Passion, You and I quick headed outside, while Frank got the car, and the others went to look after ricky. I remember pulling up along side the road behind the walmart while ricky quick jumped in and we took off as fast as we could. i remember sitting on rickys lap in the car and asking why he was wet.
i laughed so hard when he said it was because the cops chased in through the creek behind walmart. haha.

i'll also never forget when we ended up at rickys. we were so damn young. they were so much older. things shouldn't of happened but they did. ayediosmio.
i remember when they finally went to drive us home, we had to get there soon because CiCi's mom was gunna wake up soon... someone the driver took a wrong turn and we ended up in NJ, paying the toll in all friggen pennies.

i remember the time we hid our one friend Nick in the closet while he rolled for us, because CiCi's dad woke up and came to check on us in the room.
after nick left, i remember smokingggggg up that room, and then we went to make brownies and drinks.
when we came back we realized CiCi's poor dog, KC was left in the room. that dog haddddd to be highhh on our level.

i remember the night Passion, CiCi, and I moved as many matresses into CiCi's bedroom as we could, we filled the whole floor with beds, and just rolled all over. and then we started drinking, and we got into a fight with Easy Cheese. we had that cheesy pastey shit EVERYWHERE. our hair, in the toilet, on the walls. EVERYWHERE.

i remember a lot of good stuff.
but i also remember a lot of stuff a 14-15yr old girl shouldn't of done or had to deal with.
i remember how angry ricky got towards me, i remember Biggie making me worried.
i remember being afraid i got mono, and thinking about how i'd have to tell everyone i kissed that week, and not knowing some of their names, let alone how to get ahold of them.
i remember laying in bed waiting to get a call. we werent sure if it was going to be from Passion, Viper or the cops first. i'll never forget the crying when Viper got locked, and I'll never forget being cold, scared, and wondering what we were going to do.

i remember finding twigs and rocks to mark where the car tires were in the drive way, so when we 'borrowed' CiCi's mom's car, we knew exactly where to put it.

those were the good times. the happy times. but at that same time i was a wreck on the inside.
i always have been for no reason. my anxiety, my ocd, my constant stress has ran my life since i was little.

despite all those good times, i was still locking myself in my bedroom hurting myself in anyway possible.
i drank, i smoked, i cut, i burned myself, i snorted things, i took things, and did whatever i could to not focus on how much i hated things.

in a strange way, i think drama club saved me.
but i know who really saved me.
I give my surviving those years to Ryan my ex, and my deceased friend Mike.

ryan and i started getting serious a few weeks after the whole winterbreak with CiCi thing, and he gave me one person to focus on. i feel like if it wasn't for him, i'd honestly of been pregnant with some random guy's baby. ryan also helped with my life a little bit. it was the first time i ever cared that much about someone. he'll always be that person i look to, i talk to, the one i know i was honestly crazy about. because things were innocent. vcards were lost and such, but not until after a year of being crazy about eachother. things were good in the beginning, but things got really bad towards the end.
see, he's bipolar, and i have ocd and anxiety. we were good for eachother because we understood our issues, but we also let eachother take our problems on one another. he let me do my ocd stuff, and he never talked my anxiety out with me, he let me do what i needed to, which wasn't good. and he took his mood swings out on me something fierce. which caused my shit to go out of wack, and towards the end of our relationship i was in an awful state of mind. and ryan was saying the nastiest things to me that i had ever heard [until i met ed], but ryan really had me feeling bad about myself. it was awful. it took a lot to get out of that relationship, i don't know how i did it.


mike, well, he was always there for me, no matter what i was doing. i have him to thank for my riddlen  addiction, and for encouraging me to try and start taking new things, but i also have him to thank for getting my shit under control and for putting my ass in gear, and getting me to deal with my dark passenger and handle my demons. i love him more and more everyday despite him no longer being on this earth. there's honestly not a day that doesn't go by that i don't talk to him, or think about him. <3resteasybabyboy.


this is a pretty emo post, lemme tell ya. but it was bound to come out, i was bound to sit down and discuss things that sit in the back of my mind.

i was doing good for a few years, and then sometime within the past year, last August to be exact, i let things start again, but this time i feel i have a better handle on things. i remember sitting and asking my ex to keep my ass in line, that i'm known to get out of hand, i take things too far and i get myself in bad places. he promised to make sure i wouldn't go back to how i was. i'm happy to know i can control my shit on my own these days, because it ended up turning out that it was me trying to keep his ass in line. he changed so much, and i hope one day he realizes things, and gets things better for himself. I can't say i blame him for getting a little out of control with those things, i did the same thing when i was 14 and i did them for the first time, he didn't do anything of those sorts until this past year, and he acted just like i did when i was 14. by the age of 22 though, i think i'm past the losing control of my stuff, and going off the deep end. there's a time and place for those things, and there's a bigger picture now, its time to get my affairs in order and take care of my responsibilites before i go and snort or light up.


drugs don't run my life. and i'm proud to say that. i don't fiend much, and i dont go crazy when someone around me is doing them and i can't. its whatever. i've grown up.

my self harm is not who i am either. it's a choice i make, and it doesn't hurt anyone but myself. i don't let that negative part of my life define who i am. if you met me, you'd have no idea, trust me, there's still some people who have no idea, and they've known me for a long time. i don't want to die, and i don't want attention, it calms me down, puts my anxiety away, and gives me something to focus on. it's something i can control, and i've heard countless times about how dumb, stupid, teenager, and emo it is. i've also heard how awful it is, how i should stop, how this and that, but i've only met 1 person who honestly got me to stop for a little bit. it wasn't because that person asked me to, or demanded it from me, it's because that person understood my issues and helped me deal with and handle them in other ways, that person is amazing. i'm glad i met them and had the honor of having them in my life at one point.

i've been doing it since i was 7, it being 15 years since the first time, it's just normal for me now, and i'm still alive, and as i stated before, it doesnt hurt anyone else, i really see no wrong in it. but everyone has their own opinion.
i don't shove it in people's faces and say HEY LOOK AT WHAT I DO TO MYSELF.
its a personal choice, and something i do to myself.

there's someone i've been missin,

i think that they could be, the better half of me.

they're in the wrong place,

so i'll say

"come home, come home, because i've been waiting for you for so long"

baby i'm just dreamin' out loud;

come home.

i'm not sure what else there is to really write about right now. 

i've put down a lot of things in one post.

see how much i write when i talk about bad things?

but when things are going fantastic i don't have much to write.

twisted?