Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.

and today i'm stuck trying to believe one i've been stuck on for over a year.
actually a year today i dropped the biggest bomb on someone i'd easily call 'the love of my life' to anyone that would ask. but anyone who knows him and i, they'd easily laugh and not believe it. at all.

why?
because our relationship is definitely wonderland;
including the disappearing acts, riddles, games, being lost, hookah, rollin' faces, and so on.
the only thing we're missing is a tea party, but if i would've asked, he probably would've done it for me.

we were playing games and letting each other down from the get go.
the only thing that ever stayed, was the love for him.
i'll strayyy from the Alice quotes, only because this one fits so well;

"...most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room

and never feeling the rest of my whole life

the way I feel when I'm with you" 

 now, that's not a good reason to stay, i know this. i understand all about getting over fears, facing them, moving on, whatever you want to tell me; 

but i've never been speechless. never been at a loss of words for how i feel exactly.

i've always, ALWAYS been able to write down word for word how i felt about everyone i was ever with

and honestly, that always made me doubt if it was real or not.

if things were straight up uncontrollable, unconditional love, wouldn't it be too hard to put things into words?

well this time, it's one of those impossible things i believe in before breakfast.

the main one though, is how him and i are actually going to work.

it's been so on, off, on, off for over a year. right now we're off.

we've been off since July.

this is the longest we've ever been off.

i hate everyday that goes by.

i dread that it'll never be back on.

this is the number one impossible thing i believe in before breakfast. everyday.

i've been telling him lately that its off. that i'm not coming back. mainly because i want to believe this so strongly. i want to be able to walk away from all the bullshit we've experienced, and just move on, find someone new.  and i do so well...but who am i trying to kid?
i'll be seeing him this weekend, and i have a strong feeling of how its going to go, no matter what i do. and i hate that. i wish i was a stronger person. but there's something about him, about us. i'm sitting here, writing this, thinking about all the things that went wrong, and i keep coming back to this one time he was laying there on his bed, and i was sitting on top of him. i remember it all like it was just a few hours ago.
his face. his eyes. his voice. the way he'd talk to me, mannnn i knew when he was being serious.
or so i thought.
but ugh. i want to hate him, and i want to never see him or care about him again. but i know the second i walk into my friends house, and he's there, i'm going to get those stupid butterflies and that gross nervous need to vomit feeling.
in a good way. i throw up when i'm nervous, no matter the situation.
this boy gives me butterflies and the need to vomit.
and takes everything i know about my emotions and the english language and throws them out the window.

we're both strong headed, and we both have awful tempers, and handle things sooo differently.
but we keep going back. i know one day he'll stop;
and i know me telling him its over and i'm trying to move on, may mean i lose him forever
but it might also show him he might never be with me again.

that kid and i, there's a bond. stronger than anything i've ever felt.
they say girls usually have a bond with the person that took their lovely vcard,
and i do, to a point, but this boy, this man i love right now- i have a stronger bond, a stronger desire and will to be with him than anyone.

i sound fucking mad.

but let me tell you a secret...all the best people are.

so what do i do?

i'm not sure, your guess is possibly as good as mine.

of course there's easier roads; starting over with someone new would mean i get all that brand new, innocent, exciting happy, high feeling, and it gives me a clean start with no trust issues. and trust me, it's been offered, and i've come so silly close to taking it.

but i realize, it wouldn't be fair to any of us.

I'd still have feelings for my ex, while trying to start something with my new,

which means my attention is divided. and then my ex has to see me as moving on with new.

that's no good for anyone.

i'd honest to god, rather fight with my exboyfriend, than have passionate moments with anyone else.

i'm as mad as a hatter.

i suppose love will do that to you though. i'm just so lost as to what do i do. going back to him [i hate calling him my ex, it sounds so final] isn't as easy as it sounds. i can't just go up to him and say,

'you, me, now, always, forever.'

it doesn't work like that. and the whole holding a boombox outside their bedroom window while playing 'our' song wouldnt go over well either.

but trust me, i've offered to do it if it meant being with him. i don't think he got the reference, but that's okay. i know what it means.

i'd marry anyone who did that, fyi. but they better send me daisies as well. ha. 

it's the little things that really get me. this boy once, ONCE left a note in my car.

and all it said was "i love love love love love love love love LOVE you babe."

and it melts my heart every time i see it. despite being exes, the note still hangs on my mirror.

he's had so many good intentions,

i've had so many good intentions.

if there's love.

pure love, with two people wanting to be together

then why, why why why can't we figure it out?

i need to stop fucking things up. i'm spiteful like a cat who continues to piss on your clothing,

i need to learn how to let things go.

but when they just keep coming, HOW DO YOU STOP PISSING ON HIS CLOTHING.

not really, figuratively. sick fucks.

i don't know. i'm rambling and i can't stop thinking about this weekend.

i'm going to die if i can't be near him.

i'm going to die if he shows up with some other girl.

i believe in impossible things. the door knob said things are "in-passable, nothing is impossible"

 maybe these things aren't meant to be passed, gotten over, but to just move forward.

nothing is impossible.

“In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again.” 

i'll continue to chase after it.

 

need a little jack, an ounce and a deep soma coma.

all the things i misssssssssssss in my lifee.

anyways,

this is my post about how he ruined my 22nd birthday.
how it was going nicely

until i found out he's been lying to me for over a year
about someone he slept with.

i'm glad to know he has now made it a proven fact

i was just some girl on his list.
how he didnt give a fuck.

well he did, me and 2 other girls in just a couple of weeks.
wonderful.

i feel gross.
someone save me from feeling used.

im glad he came up for my birthday.
and i called him the love of my life.
this shit is bogus.


i really miss pills right now. this boy brings out my demons.
fuck.this.noise.

A Very Merry [un]Birthday To Who? TO ME!

I can't remember a time I didn't treat my birthday like a National Holiday;
When I was younger I'd celebrate September 6th like the day would never come again.
Then when my mom explained my "birthday story" to me, I started celebrating Sept. 5th anddd 6th.
My birthday usually falls on labor day weekend, So I always had off of school, and so I started making my birthday last a 3 day weekend,
Now that I'm even older, It slowly became a birthday week.

But nothing beats September 6th. The one day I take in everything, and just am blissfully happy.

My mom always told me and my siblings we didn't turn our next age until our birth time.

GOTCHA MOM! I was born at midnight, between 5th and 6th.
On the Dot. Hospital time read 00:00. Which didn't exist for the computers, SOOOO Mom decided I was legally born September 6th, 1990 at 00:01.

Pretty Nifty ehh? I always thought so.

Today I called in, quit my job [which I only had had for a few days], am going to get a flat tire fixed and then driving an hour away to pick up the love of my life.
Now living a good 5 hours away from him, and his car not running really makes things difficult.
But we found a bus trip up into my area, so I wouldn't be alone on my birthday.

He's fantastic I tell ya; Lotta Bullshit, and we're seperated, but I tell ya, we'll figure it out,
there's too much between us to not get this all sorted out. We've been through the worsttttttt all within the first year, Now, we gotta work on moving on and just being happy.

We tend to do things backwards. <3 But I love him. Stupid Amounts.

But that's a whole different Post...

I must go get ready to enjoy my wonderful 22nd Birthday!

           Alice: Unbirthday? I'm sorry, but I don't quite understand.
           March Hare: It's very simple. Now, thirty days has Septem -No. wait... An unbirthday, if

                                    you have a birthday, then you..

                                                              She doesn't know what an unbirthday is...

"Now Kitty, Lets Consider Who it was That Dreamed It All"

I hate dreams. People are always talking about this dream they had and how exhilarating it was, mine always cause me to wake up crying or have a damn panic attack.

Last night was nothing new.

It was terrible how vivid everything was, and so detailed.

A friend and I were driving somewhere that seemed familiar, but not enough to know exactly where. little things were detailed, like the red car, and what he was wearing. the strongest detail though, was in my emotions.
the road was turning and he looked back in the other direction, like he had seen something...
as I just sat there watching us head straight for this..small building? and behind that building was a sort of ledge, road hangover, cliff?
Hah. it was absolutely terrifying. Because by the time I got my friend's attention, we were seconds away from slamming right into the building and going over the edge.
And in those moments, we knew we were going to die. It was absolutely inevitable, we were already all torn up from impact, and now we were just waiting to slam into the side or bottom of the ledge.
I remember trying to say something to my friend, but because of being so terrified, and just being stunned
I barely got out the words I Love You
                            My friend's last words?
                                           "I'll See You Later."
                                                          with a smirk on his face. [damn kid]

And right after that there was..nothing. just me, awake wondering what happened.
creepy as fuck and even though I was alone all day driving around picking up various items for my new apartment, I was still nervous to drive.
Couldn't get any of it out of my mind.

What kind of words are "I'll See you later"?
I remember feeling comforted at the time though, like it was the perfect thing to say given the circumstances. I remember myself thinking in my dream "this kid really loves you". just by the words he said. he made me come to terms with dying, all because of what he said. aye.
I sat awake for a while wondering, comparing our chosen last words.

I Love You vs. I'll See You Later

and because I'm always analyzing my dreams, I'm still left thinking about it.
His chosen words gave almost a positive feeling, versus mine, who made it known it was ending.
Going to have to let this one go, It's too strange.

I'd like to go back to not dreaming now, I miss not dreaming.

"Alice: You see, Kitty.. He was part of my dream, of course --
but then I was part of his dream, too"

'The question is,’ said Alice, ‘whether you can make words mean so many different things.'

There's something about words.
Being a fan of reading and writing, I myself enthralled by words.
Ive heard time and time again, "I was speechless" or "i have nothing to say to you".
How out of all the words in the world can a person not find the words to say something. Now, feelings and emotions don't come with preset guidelines to what words to use; I get that. But there's always a way to try and explain yourself.
I'm getting off track.

A person's word can mean so much to another; cause a sense of comfort, happiness, love, or it can leave a feeling of being vexed, useless, and just broken down.

Being enrolled in a few Lit classes, words are always talked about, analyzed and then over analyzed.
Sometimes people think theres a greater meaning in a poem, script or any other type of art.
Sometimes though people need to just take things for how they are.
Sometimes the meaning is staring a person right in the face, and that person refuses to just take it as it is.
Dumb people.

I recently heard from a professor that some people have actually been taught that curse words, cuss, swearing, foul language, actually destroys the English language.
What the Fuck is That Shit?

Some people are way to arrogant to even be discussed, so I'm skipping that rant.
I'm a fan of these words; they're not destroying anything, except when used towards someone.
I've called my friends, boyfriends, and siblings some random foul names before. Asshole and Bastard seem to be my favorites.
I've also been called almost every name you could ever imagine.
From people who were just joking, and from people who have wished the worst on me.
Which is fine by me, those people, Who I can thank for my low self esteem, can simply fuck off.
But what I cannot tolerate, with everything I am, is a parent who puts their own kid down.

I'm not talking the average "i hate you" fights between child and parent, I'm talking full on telling your child they're a nothing, piece of shit cunt&or Bastard who they want nothing to do with ever again.
Now that ladies and d00ds, are the people I wish the worst, slowest, painfullest death on.
You should never
and I mean ever
call your child a Cunt, or Bastard. Those words, there's just some sort of, baggage? to them.

I've always thought there should be some type of test people must take before they're allowed to have children.
Then again, almost everyone knows how to lie their way through a test to get the result they want.

1. When little Bobby, who is 4 years old, makes a mistake and accidently puts his pb&j sammich in your VCR, How do you react?
      A. Put little Bobby in the corner and then explain to him that he mustn't ever do that again.
      B. Slam little Bobby's head off of the VCR and proceed to beat him with the closest object accessible.
      C. Scream, yell, and tell little Bobby he's a nothing-less, unloved little child who should've never been born.

exactly. you can't tell me you wouldn't be B.

Education class, ontop of Education class I've read that Teachers and Parents are the most influencial in a child's life. We can handle things from peers, siblings, strangers, but not many of us can handle being put in our place by our own parents. We're born with an instinct to want to please our guardians, and make them happy and proud of us. So it seems as if there's nothing worse than a parent telling their child they want nothing to do with them.

“When I use a word,’ Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone,

‘it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.’

Catch That Clock

this post is about dead beats.
and liars.
and heartbreakers.
and people i love.

i just need to copy it from my notebook to here.

just keep waiting. you're not late, i promise.

Testing Some Character!

just seeing how everthing is going to be.





whether its nonsense or not.



















i just need to know how everyone feels.