advice i could never forget.

i think one of the best pieces of advice i was ever given was by my very unintelligent alcoholic uncle.

i was about 16, and i'm really not one to pay much attention to things he says, but this one made sense to me, and i absolutely love it.

Why are you wasting your emotions and time on someone trying and almost forcing your relationship to work?

There's a million some people in the world, there's gotta be at least one person out there where you won't have to force or try,

it will just work.

r.e.s.p.e.c.t

i really cannot stand people
who DEMAND respect from others,
who out right call other people names, talk about how people around them are shady, and losers,
and how dare people not give respect,

when that person doesn't do the same in return.
the world gives what you put out, for the most part.
you cannot get respect, unless you give it.


and demanding respect is a 100% sure way to get ignored and treated even worse.


please become a respectful individual before you get pissy people aren't treating you nicely.

just reapplying them to life.

This is me writing you off...

giving you the chance to fuck off.


not sure where i'm going with this, or what im even feeling, or waht i want to write
this seems to keep happening in my life, and im really just tired.

i feel like everytime i go forward even a little bit, i get pushed back.
maybe i'm asking for it?

     but maybe i'm not.
maybe he's just someone who doesnt really understand love, and how it's suppose to be done?
let alone normal relationships.

im not looking for love.
 oh helll naww. not what i need, because i really feel as if it's just something that's been made up, something thats been created to make people feel 'safer' in their life.

i absolutely hate how cynical i've become, because if you go back a bunch of posts, i ramble on and on about how much i love rawness, and the person underneath what they put out to society, that i have ultimate feelings, and believe that people in the world are good.

i even remember laying in bed with an ex one time, going back and forth about how beaten down by the world they seemed, how i couldn't grasp his concept of believing people were out for themselves, and that love didnt exist and that he was just tired of the world.


and now here i am, fully understanding, and believing every single word he said. people are out for themselves, they'll do and lie about whatever they have to to get further ahead in life, and to keep themselves from looking bad.

now i'm not perfect, at all. far from it. i've got flaws. i've lied to professors, my parents, and even friends. i've done things i regret in life, and continue to do so. but something i can be proud of is that, every morning when i wake up and every night when i go to bed, i can honestly love myself.
i can look in the mirror and believe, and know, that i am a good person, who has, and will drop anything, and any time to help out someone. i've helped numerous exes who've needed someone, i've talked to random strangers about their problems. i almost always let people cut me in line if they have less items, or if we got there at the same time. I've given people, even complete strangers, money if they're at the register and they come up short, or people needing to print stuff for class, but they forgot the ID on campus.

i don't care, i put others before my self constantly, because I enjoy other peoples' happiness. If i can make someone's day, i will, no questions asked. If i can make someone feel better about themself, i will.

i feel there have been few actual times in life that i've honestly put myself first. and the reactions of these times?
i've had people yell at me, tell me i was a completely shitty person, mentally insane in need of serious psychward help, had friends of 10+ years drop me like i was nothing, and had a guy completely geek the fuck out and tell me he would no longer help me and be there for me. even though he really wasnt in the first place.

i really need these selfish moments in life, i've been deprived of them for a really long time, and i dont think i'm undeserving of them. but it doesnt mean i'm personally out for myself and throwing everyone else's feelings to the side.


i still give a shit
im completely human, and i have fucking feelings to.
and let me tell you, i'm grasping at straws when it comes to having those feelings.
nothing truly makes me happy anymore.

except for my cat. i stare at him, and trace his face for hours. he's the only person/thing i feel i have any connection to anymore. i tell him a bazillion times a day how much i love him, i kiss him whenever i can, and i even tell him how much i care about him when he's asleep. i dont just do things for people when they're watching and looking,
i've layed awake staring at someone i was in love with, and told them how much they meant to me.
when i love, i love rawly and completely unguarded,
unfortunately, no one else seems to.

everyone else is out for themselves, and i cant help but to start swaying that way, and i hate it.


ive recently taken a hiatus from relationships, for the first time since i was about 13. and it's seriously needed. i need to find myself. i've lost it completely within the past year. i had found myself for a little bit, and it felt so fucking wonderful,
but then army guy became a douchecrazybag, and i lost myself quickly.

but thats the thing. i'm sick of finding myself based on who i'm with. i need to be myself alone.
i wanted to experience things others had talked about, and i knew i needed to do before i was ready to settle down.

let me tell you i've done them. i'm satisfied. it was really good, it was really fun, the only regret i have, honest to god, is going backwards and sleeping with someone i shouldn't have. it's done nothing but send me right back in to the depression i barely crawled my way out of.

lemmeput it out there for myself, i slept with people since i've been home, before that, i wanted nothing to do with anyone. i was put in nonstop situations with different guys, and i did nothing. at all. i dont even have their cellphone numbers.
why? because i told people out there, i was still seeing someone. why? becasue it made it easier to have people stay away, and because i wasnt ready to be done yet.

now, i DID make the very concious decision to go ahead and sleep with someone, and then i knew there was no more going forward.
and i knew this before any thing even happened. i sat there, literally talking it out with the poor fucking person, seriously killing any vibe that might've been present. i geeked. my anxiety shot through the roof and i even started nervously retardely flapping my hands. i have a weird tendency to do that when my anxiety is at it's worse and i cant feel my hands.
i was terrified, and for numerous reasons.
i was terrified of sex in general, i had created such a bad mental connection to it, of unhappiness, and guilt.
i also knew what it meant, it meant i would no longer have any connection to my most recent ex.
why?
because i'm not that kind of a person. everytime i fuck someone new, i completely move on whether i want to or not. i dont go back, i cant. it's unfair to the other person and it would give me nothing but guilt.

and i did end up going through with it. not to end a connection with an ex like i had done in the past, but because i needed to. i needed to completely end the awful stigma i placed on sex and because, i'm ready to just move forward. i had made it known numerous times to my ex that me sleeping with someone else was a possibility, and that if i were to get back with him, it wouldn't be for a long time.

so i do my thing, whatever. the where, who, and how are all irrelevant, the thing i can't stop focusing on is the fact i ended up then fucking my GODDAMN EX.

now who does that? other people, not me. i am now a "other person" and i hate that.
no matter how many times a person says "no strings, or emotions" it's complete bullshit, for either party. these things happen. its human nature.

did i enjoy sleeping with my ex? of course i did, was i able to categorize him as just like the others i had fucked? yes. i honestly did. what FUCKING FUCKED ME was the hanging out part. it was at those times i thought of everything and anything and i clung to the comfortable idea of a relationship. and thats what fucked me, and left me open, and has now royally set me back.

how am i set back?

because blogger, despite asking this said ex a dozgillion times if he had slept with anyone else, in a very friendly manner, i wasn't going to be mad at all, he felt the need to lie.
and people lie all the tinme, over facebook, over texts, emails. these things unfortunately happen.
does not make it okay though

and neither does LYING TO MY GODDAMN FACE A DOZEN TIMES.
 i dont appreciate scumbags, who can straight out lie to me and not think twice about it.
i can't lie, i do, i have, but i absolutely hate it. and when its about something as guilt stricking as fuckign someone else, it eats away at my very core. i just CANNOT DO IT. i've tried, and it just makes me sick.

so, okay. he slept with someone, while i was still away at school.
now. i knoooowwww i knnoowww, we're both single. we can both do whatever we please, we honestly can.
it's not that at all though, its the fact that he sat there, telling me things about how much he loved me, and how much i was his world. that he couldn't stand being apart from me, knowing i wasn't his. that it made him physically sick, and it upset him to no end. he told me things like how he couldnt imagine being with anyone but me, that he was still clinging to the possibility that i'd come back, and that he was doing everything every single day to put himself closer to being the man i had asked him to be.

now, lets stop right here.
tell me that doesnt just hitcha in the soft spots? it does, and it really freakin did. it was hard acting like i didnt care, it was picturing myself being out with other people. the situations i was put in one on one alone with guys, all i could think about is how i wished he was there, i see stupid happy people dating, and all i think about are the select few good times we had. he really, insanely hurt me a few months back, to the point where my entire family and most of my friends are slightly pissed that he was still on my facebook. that they wanted nothing to do with him, and even threatened to go kick the living shit out of him if i needed them to. he really hurt me to the point where i started becoming very cynical. this is when that all started.

but, i couldn't help but still believe those things he said. up until today, i still had stupid lame text messages from him saved on my dumbphone. why? because i read them from time to time, and thought about how i'd eventually find my way back to him.  (and yes, i knew that would all be over after i had had sex with someone else, i never expected to be able to go back)

so he's sayin all this stuff, AND he slept with someone else. and then LIED AND HID IT FROM ME for almost a month.
i cant even begin to explain how much that honestly didnt hurt me when he first told me.
the night he told me, i felt a slight punch in the stomach, but i was actually okay with it.
and then i started remembering all the stuff he had been saying to me.
and it hit me, i don't believe a thing this kid has been saying anymore. i can't. not at all.
he completely ripped out every emotion i had for him.
i cannot fathom someone saying all that to someone, meaning it, while sticking their dick in someone else.

nd yes, im being very blunt about it, because its what happened, its really emphazises what happened.

oh. and so, get this blogger,
i asked him who it was, because i honestly wanted to know, as long as i didnt know them. if i did, i wouldn't of asked. but i was told i didnt know them at all.
so i pushed to know who. i was being a 'bro' i wanted deets. i was really objectifying sex, and really just trying to have a buddybuddy moment with my ex, since we were trying to just be friends.
he told me.
and ya know what, i didnt give a shit, not at all. i didn't look her up on facebook, or google her, i thought about it, but then realized i didn't give a rats ass at all who she was. she couldve been mad super pretty, and i wouldn't know. why?? because i didn't care.

being curious i ended up checking her fb a few dys or so later, and still didnt care no threatened feeling, no jealousy. absolutely nada.

until i really caught the feelings again for my ex. like, harddddfuckingcore. i feel lucky in a sense that i didn't talk to him about dating again like i had thought about. i feel like i dodged a bullet.

why?

because i finally caught the jealousy bug, and realized that i didnt trust him anymore, based on the fact he had lied to me numerous times about not sleeping with someone, when he really had.
single or not, he slept with her, and then hid it from me, and continued to tell me loveydovey bullshit. like he felt he could have both, a one night fuck, and then me. like he never was going to tell me.

i really don't believe he ever was going to tell me he slept with someone. and if he would've approached me with this info right when we were really about to get seriously back together, he'd be sadly mistaken.
the sooner the better. no need to lie, or hid things, or withhold for a time. makes anyone look super shady and very doubtful.


anyways, i end up finding out that the girl's name he gave me? yaaaaaa, he hasnt seen her in years. she doesnt even really like him, and would never ever do anything with him.
okay sooooooo. just keeping track.

he lied about sleeping with someone in general
he lied about who he slept with.

WHY OH WHHHYYYY BLOOOGGGERRRR
his reasoning?

"i didn't want to have to give her up as a friend"

please tell me everyone recognizes this sentance.
its the same bullshit line he gave me when he always put Randi before me.
it's just extremely disheartening that its from the exact same person,
atleast its about a different chick 'friend'

this guy, i feel everyone should avoid him.
i feel like he's just out to wreck and hurt people.
why lie about sleeping with someone in the first place, especially when i was asking him if he had and even telling him to?
would it of hurt me? yes. BUT i would've dealt with it accordingly,
just like im dealing with this accordingly.


want to know how i've been feeling all day after all this?
i really need to seriously punch him in the goddamn face.
and people sayyyyy that, i know. but i really would.
without even thinking about it.


i may have flaws, and do stupid things in life, but i do not feel like i deserve these kinds of things from anyone in the world. especially from someone i swear i've been there from day one trying to help out in every way i could, even when 1. i didnt need to 2. he had seriously hurt me.

i'm hurt. because he lied to me.
i'm let down. because he's not who i wanted him to be.
i'm disgusted. because he fucked me, knowing he had lied to me.

but i think i'm the most upset, because i blame myself.

i'm hurt. because I trusted him.
i'm let down. because I really believed in him.
i'm disgusted. because I willingly had sex with him.

i'm really just angry at myself.
i could've prevented all of this. i should've walked away like i planned to, and never looked back.
i really let someone fill my head with crap, and i completely believed them again.


i'm done. i'm broken.

i said that ed broke me the other night.
i meant it in a good positive way;
he really opened my mind, and i've become accepting of things.


but matt broke me.
i mean that in a really negative way.
he's used up every ounce of pure innocent 'goodness' i had.
he's turned me into this very angry, emotionless, cynical person.



i'm 23 years old, and i'm already tired of life.
i'll be sure to buy every white lighter ever made when i'm 27.

these bones, this body, and especially this heart are beyond tired.