actually a year today i dropped the biggest bomb on someone i'd easily call 'the love of my life' to anyone that would ask. but anyone who knows him and i, they'd easily laugh and not believe it. at all.
why?
because our relationship is definitely wonderland;
including the disappearing acts, riddles, games, being lost, hookah, rollin' faces, and so on.
the only thing we're missing is a tea party, but if i would've asked, he probably would've done it for me.
we were playing games and letting each other down from the get go.
the only thing that ever stayed, was the love for him.
i'll strayyy from the Alice quotes, only because this one fits so well;
"...most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room
and never feeling the rest of my whole life
the way I feel when I'm with you"
now, that's not a good reason to stay, i know this. i understand all about getting over fears, facing them, moving on, whatever you want to tell me;
but i've never been speechless. never been at a loss of words for how i feel exactly.
i've always, ALWAYS been able to write down word for word how i felt about everyone i was ever with
and honestly, that always made me doubt if it was real or not.
if things were straight up uncontrollable, unconditional love, wouldn't it be too hard to put things into words?
well this time, it's one of those impossible things i believe in before breakfast.
the main one though, is how him and i are actually going to work.
it's been so on, off, on, off for over a year. right now we're off.
we've been off since July.
this is the longest we've ever been off.
i hate everyday that goes by.
i dread that it'll never be back on.
this is the number one impossible thing i believe in before breakfast. everyday.
i've been telling him lately that its off. that i'm not coming back. mainly because i want to believe this so strongly. i want to be able to walk away from all the bullshit we've experienced, and just move on, find someone new. and i do so well...but who am i trying to kid?
i'll be seeing him this weekend, and i have a strong feeling of how its going to go, no matter what i do. and i hate that. i wish i was a stronger person. but there's something about him, about us. i'm sitting here, writing this, thinking about all the things that went wrong, and i keep coming back to this one time he was laying there on his bed, and i was sitting on top of him. i remember it all like it was just a few hours ago.
his face. his eyes. his voice. the way he'd talk to me, mannnn i knew when he was being serious.
or so i thought.
but ugh. i want to hate him, and i want to never see him or care about him again. but i know the second i walk into my friends house, and he's there, i'm going to get those stupid butterflies and that gross nervous need to vomit feeling.
in a good way. i throw up when i'm nervous, no matter the situation.
this boy gives me butterflies and the need to vomit.
and takes everything i know about my emotions and the english language and throws them out the window.
we're both strong headed, and we both have awful tempers, and handle things sooo differently.
but we keep going back. i know one day he'll stop;
and i know me telling him its over and i'm trying to move on, may mean i lose him forever
but it might also show him he might never be with me again.
that kid and i, there's a bond. stronger than anything i've ever felt.
they say girls usually have a bond with the person that took their lovely vcard,
and i do, to a point, but this boy, this man i love right now- i have a stronger bond, a stronger desire and will to be with him than anyone.
i believe in impossible things. the door knob said things are "in-passable, nothing is impossible"
i'll be seeing him this weekend, and i have a strong feeling of how its going to go, no matter what i do. and i hate that. i wish i was a stronger person. but there's something about him, about us. i'm sitting here, writing this, thinking about all the things that went wrong, and i keep coming back to this one time he was laying there on his bed, and i was sitting on top of him. i remember it all like it was just a few hours ago.
his face. his eyes. his voice. the way he'd talk to me, mannnn i knew when he was being serious.
or so i thought.
but ugh. i want to hate him, and i want to never see him or care about him again. but i know the second i walk into my friends house, and he's there, i'm going to get those stupid butterflies and that gross nervous need to vomit feeling.
in a good way. i throw up when i'm nervous, no matter the situation.
this boy gives me butterflies and the need to vomit.
and takes everything i know about my emotions and the english language and throws them out the window.
we're both strong headed, and we both have awful tempers, and handle things sooo differently.
but we keep going back. i know one day he'll stop;
and i know me telling him its over and i'm trying to move on, may mean i lose him forever
but it might also show him he might never be with me again.
that kid and i, there's a bond. stronger than anything i've ever felt.
they say girls usually have a bond with the person that took their lovely vcard,
and i do, to a point, but this boy, this man i love right now- i have a stronger bond, a stronger desire and will to be with him than anyone.
i sound fucking mad.
but let me tell you a secret...all the best people are.
so what do i do?
i'm not sure, your guess is possibly as good as mine.
of course there's easier roads; starting over with someone new would mean i get all that brand new, innocent, exciting happy, high feeling, and it gives me a clean start with no trust issues. and trust me, it's been offered, and i've come so silly close to taking it.
but i realize, it wouldn't be fair to any of us.
I'd still have feelings for my ex, while trying to start something with my new,
which means my attention is divided. and then my ex has to see me as moving on with new.
that's no good for anyone.
i'd honest to god, rather fight with my exboyfriend, than have passionate moments with anyone else.
i'm as mad as a hatter.
i suppose love will do that to you though. i'm just so lost as to what do i do. going back to him [i hate calling him my ex, it sounds so final] isn't as easy as it sounds. i can't just go up to him and say,
'you, me, now, always, forever.'
it doesn't work like that. and the whole holding a boombox outside their bedroom window while playing 'our' song wouldnt go over well either.
but trust me, i've offered to do it if it meant being with him. i don't think he got the reference, but that's okay. i know what it means.
i'd marry anyone who did that, fyi. but they better send me daisies as well. ha.
it's the little things that really get me. this boy once, ONCE left a note in my car.
and all it said was "i love love love love love love love love LOVE you babe."
and it melts my heart every time i see it. despite being exes, the note still hangs on my mirror.
he's had so many good intentions,
i've had so many good intentions.
if there's love.
pure love, with two people wanting to be together
then why, why why why can't we figure it out?
i need to stop fucking things up. i'm spiteful like a cat who continues to piss on your clothing,
i need to learn how to let things go.
but when they just keep coming, HOW DO YOU STOP PISSING ON HIS CLOTHING.
not really, figuratively. sick fucks.
i don't know. i'm rambling and i can't stop thinking about this weekend.
i'm going to die if i can't be near him.
i'm going to die if he shows up with some other girl.
i believe in impossible things. the door knob said things are "in-passable, nothing is impossible"
maybe these things aren't meant to be passed, gotten over, but to just move forward.
nothing is impossible.
“In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again.”
i'll continue to chase after it.
