Its been a while since I've seen candles light your face

a year later & im still too much//not enough

and guess what? im no where further than where I was the last time i posted.
im extremely grateful I didnt post anything throughout the past year, it'd all be full of lies and a bunch of bullshit i swear to god is written in some dating manual for guys.

and i say that as nicely as possible.
maybe.

ya know what is really REALLY making me angry
the fact that i am short (money wise) for graduation, that someone from my god awful past owes me.
THATS WHAT REALLY FUCKING AGGRAVATES ME.

to this day he still seems to be ruining things for me.

now, dont get me wrong, i have someone willing to cover it for me, because they want me to walk at graduation.

but. that's also the same person who after a year of telling me different, is telling me he wants nothing to do with me and wants nothing I want in life.



can't guess who that is?
really? ya cant?

probably because all of my wonderful exes told me that.

and i dont wanna hear the bullshitty "its not you, its me just needing to be alone and not in a relationship with anyone" line that everyone has memorized. because like. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT FUCKING MEAN?!

you're not ready to grow up?
you're not ready to be a man?
you're not ready to live up to everything you said you'd do?
you're not willing to bend a little bit for someone who has bent everywhichway for you?
you're just not ready to commit?


or is it being scared?
are they scared every single thing in their life is going to change?
are they scared that they have to actual care about someone other than themself?
are they scared to realize they're really a compelte shit bag who has been lying for months, years etc about who they are, what they want and leading someone on?





i think i found the winning answer


i'm so open in the beginning. so goddamn fucking straightforward about every SINGLE THING i want in life. EVERY thing. i leave nothing the fuck out because i dont want things to maraculously change.



doesnt matter. they still change. i'm still not the one they want long term. i'm not the one they want short term. i'm just not the one they want.

i'm literally always the stop along the way to them finding themself. I'm sick of the stupid cycle I always have to deal with. They leave because theyre not ready to man the fck up, change or commit. they want to be alone to themselves.

and then months or so later they show their fucking faces like nothing ever happened all "i never realized how important you are. and how supportive and always there for me you were. how much i screwed up and didn't see what i had. i didnt realize..."


and what the fuck am i suppose to do with that? does anyone even know?
like. forrealzies here. i bend over backwards and explain every single thing to them how i see it, not girlfriend see it, but how i see it from a very out of the box, un biased view, and what their problem is, because i know for damn sure, it isnt me.

but they dont listen because im the stupid knownothing girlfriend who is just trying to keep the relationship together.

well excuse me for being 25 years old and believing you need to actually work at a relationship and spend time fixing things instead of throwing it away like its garbage.


people have no respect for other people's feelings these days, absolutely none.
if all of their mothers knew all the shit they spewed my way, and all the things they swore up and down that they wanted and wanted me to be the one that was apart of it all with them.

just to one day text me "i just dont want you anymore. i need to be alone."
they wouldn't treat their mothers that way, sisters etc. they wouldnt sit there and continuously lie to their face about how they feel, and then turn around and break it all down.

so why me? why do i never end up with any respect in any form?


i'm too much, or not enough.
i havent been able to figure that out yet, and its been on my one atleast once a week for the past 3years.

too much or not enough.

i'm too much of something for people.
too open
too serious
too committed
too hyper
too boring
too busy
too optimistic
too pessimistic
too strong
too weak
too fast
too slow


i'm also not enough for them.
not strong.
not weak
not serious
not busy
not fun
not boring



i may usually be the one who leaves.
but ultimately i am always the one who is left

unwanted.

Disgusted

This blog does nothing but disgust me.
It's filled with various things since my first year at school back in 2012 when I was dealing with eddie.

At the same time though I'm happy it exists so I know exactly how well I bounce back from things.

I hate that everyone ive ever talked about I always believed the sun shined out of their ass, but also how even after some of thee worst breakups and things, I'm able to eventually pull my shit together and care like that all over again.

Sometimes I wonder if its fake or not "the real deal" but I always end up looking at it in the way that, I love everyone differently, and there's nothing wrong with caring for who youre with so intensely.
Im very proud of the things I've overcome, along with knowing im dealing well with things that still tear me apart.

Spring always leaves me feeling alive, once again I've survived another 'dark' season. Hopefully I can remind myself of this the next time I feel like opting out.

There's nothin here for me anymore

Now its been so long.

And I've realized I write only when im stressed and annoyed but not completely depressed.

I've been struggling alot lately and im starting to feel like my life direction is wrong. But I've come sooo far there's no way to turn around.

I feel disgusting.
I could shower for days and still feel gross.

I hate letting people under my skin.
I hate regretting giving people certain emotions of mine.

Being with a random isnt like this because I could care less and there's a part of my emotions turned off.
Being with someone I care about means alot to me. Ive always given it significance.  My bad.

I always hate when I end up wishing I hadnt done it with attached emotion.

I'm having a completely miserable day and I feel disgusting.
Noone ever wants to stay around after a little while.
I'm tired of having to try to make people stay.
Just  would like someone who whole heartedly, undoubtedly wants to stay.

Yeap

Im feeling good personally.
Towards myself.

But thats it.
I feel very alone in every aspect and its even worse than seriously being single and alone.
What makes this worse is the fact that im suppose to have someone else with me, but they're absent. So I'm alone in everything when I shouldnt be.

So much worse than being alone when I should be alone.

So many damn red flags.
Ya know,  I do actually know that I'm stupid for 'ignoring' all of them.

I date too strongly for wbat seems like everyone. I'll eventually find someone who dates just as hard in return, has no problem with compromise and looks at things as a 'we' or 'us' instead of him by himself.

Ohhhlife.